I Need Feedback On This Letter Before I Send It

Anna, your letter is incredibly thoughtful and compassionate.  You have captured your experience very very well. I see myself in your letter - the wife who loves her husband and will do anything to help him, yet she must take care of herself as well and will not be abused.

You are not blaming nor shaming nor judging.  That's an accomplishment!  it can be very hard to communicate these things and not slip into those behaviors - Bravo! you didn't!

Your word are very respectful and loving and kind.  And yet also assertive about your needs and feels. This isn't an easy balance to reach, but you are successful at doing this!

If the main purpose of the letter is to help his father understand what you both are going through - this is all very well written!! 

I'm curious what the letter is in response to?  Did his dad say something insensitive?

I'm currently reading Non-Violent Communication and Moving Beyond Betrayal.  I'm wondering what your request is?  What is the purpose of the letter? What is it that you want from his dad?  That's the only part that is a bit unclear to me - but maybe it's unclear because I don't know the context of the situation. 

I want Baby A to grow up seeing a loving, caring relationship of two equals. He should not have to witness a husband who mistreats the wife, and the wife submits because children learn by watching. I will not have Baby A grow up to believe that he can treat women with blatant disrespect and disregard and can be selfish and have no consequences happen. He should grow up to know that women deserve honesty, respect, and safety.

Click to expand...

I especially like this point. 

I hope this helps your relationship with your in-laws.  Wishing you lots of healing!

Hi Anna, I agree with Raven, it is well written and expressed and it's what you need to say. My only advice would be to see if you can possibly reduce the length a bit. A lot of stubborn men will not take something on board if they think it's too long - it allows them to see it as excessive and lecturing. I don't think it is, but I'm trying to project myself into the headspace that somebody like Cody's dad might inhabit. Keep all the salient details, but try not to repeat anything. Succinct is better. I hope you won't take this as a criticism of what you wrote. I think it's a very thorough detailing of your thoughts, feelings and needs with regard to him. I'm just trying to offer some feedback based around how most men react to long letters. I actually tend to write in the more female modality myself - but my male friends have not responded well to it in the past. I learned I had to shorten my message to get them to listen.

Anna, sorry to read that you have to write this letter at all. My only suggestion is that it might be too long and go into too much detail about different aspects of porn addiction. I would say stick to maybe 3-5 of your most important concerns. Explain, but keep to one paragraph for each subject area. Otherwise he may find too much detail confusing.

I?m really sorry that lying continues to be an issue in your relationship. My partner continues to lie, mostly lying by omission in the expectation that I don?t think to ask, and if I do it?s either an outright lie or a sulky row where I?m the one in the wrong (hello gaslight, my old friend). It?s a very tough nut to crack. I can demonstrate my own honesty but I?m not so sure that it translates into him stopping the lying. We can work on our communication but I?m wary that  ?communication skills? can be seen as an opportunity to get better at lying. It really, really can be a big problem. Before Christmas I caught him out in a lie by omission, and it really was something so trivial but he chose not to tell me about three different things relating to one particular occasion. Seriously, there was no reason why he should not have told me, but he chose to conceal the most important facts. It didn?t represent anything serious in itself, but why lie/mislead/misinform? I wanted to leave all that in the past.

I admire you for putting your boundaries in place. You have your child to consider and you want to role model good behaviours and strong values, like honesty. I was raised in a family where lying was unacceptable, and usually more so than what was being lied about. I guess it wasn?t until d day that I learned that my husband could look me in the eye and tell an outright lie, without giving it a second thought. His way of thinking was about how to get away with it, not about me knowing the truth. I?m at a different life stage so I?m sort of resigned to him never being completely honest. I know that comes across as an awful defeatist attitude, but for me it?s a question of degree. If he lies about crappy inconsequential stuff, that?s one thing, but if it?s acting out in any way that?s another matter. I do have boundaries in place though it will be hard for me to enforce them. I know I must, though.

Good luck with your letter. XO

I'm curious what the letter is in response to?  Did his dad say something insensitive?

Click to expand...

This was in response to him getting angry at me for thinking lying constitutes divorce. His dad was angry at me, saying, "Do you know what's at stake here?" (referring to our 3-month-old son). I know what's at stake, my husband surely doesn't. I was blamed for everything and my husband was excused for his behavior.

In the end, the dad texted my husband he doesn't want to take sides and he thinks we should do couples counseling. We've done that and are in it.

My husband hasn't lied since that but it's still not great between us. So yeah, the dad never got back to me, but did text my husband, so I don't know.

I wrote it because I am sick and tired of being the bad guy, "Give him a break," "It's only porn" "Lying? That's not bad, that shouldn't end a marriage" (even though the boundary was lying equals divorce). "He doesn't have an addiction, just forget what happened."

All these things have been said to me from many different people (my friends, his family, my parents).

No one see's my side. No one see's my pain, or they are annoyed by it and tell me to get over it and let my husband be himself. I don't see how anyone can have a relationship with anyone when there is no trust, but whatever, I must be crazy! God, sorry, just annoyed at it all.

I am exhausted by it all.

A lot of people have an automatic aversion to people taking a stance and making a change in their lives. I put it down to them not wanting to make changes in their own lives, so it's easier if other people are not living with high standards as well, or just sitting back and copping what life throws at them. High standards shine the torch on us and it's harder to hide. That's why a lot of people talk down others and dissuade them from doing things that make them look lazy and lame. They dress it up in concern and high-values, but it's anything but noble. It's self-interested and selfish. It's a lazy attitude for themselves and it's a lazy attitude to advocate for somebody else. Just because these lazy sods don't want to stand for integrity doesn't mean you shouldn't. Stand your ground and be grounded in your ethics. You have my total support, Anna.

All these things have been said to me from many different people (my friends, his family, my parents).

No one see's my side. No one see's my pain, or they are annoyed by it and tell me to get over it and let my husband be himself. I don't see how anyone can have a relationship with anyone when there is no trust, but whatever, I must be crazy! God, sorry, just annoyed at it all.

I am exhausted by it all.

Click to expand...

I'm so sorry AnonAnna. :-(

Sweetheart, I see your pain.  I know your pain. I've got your back.  we all do.  His family is in complete denial.