update - the glass is more full now and less empty

Hello All, I have an update and some struggles to share. 

My husband has agreed to the whole enchilada - individual therapy with a CSAT/Mindfulness therapist, group therapy, couples therapy, full disclosure and polygraph. This is all Fantastic!  The glass is more than half full now. No longer is it half empty - it's around 80-90% full. But i'm surprised that the new problem is that I don't know how to run a three legged race with a glass that full and not spill the water all over the place in the process. it's seems we have moved into a new phase.  it's better, but it's still messy and sometimes it feels good and sometimes it feels awful.   

His therapist: So far, I like his therapist a lot. He is asking my husband to go through the workbook and write out his sexual history.

My therapist: So far, I have very mixed feelings about my own betrayal trauma therapist. 

Couples therapist:  the first several sessions with out therapist (who is both CSAT and EFT) have been incredibly helpful and enlightening.  However our last session has surprised me and left be felt betrayed yet again.

Hi Raven, I'm pleased to hear that your glass is much more full (and sorry to hear that you are worried you might spill it!)

Regarding your therapist, that's really quite odd that she has a therapeutic procedure regarding separation. I really think each case is so different there shouldn't be a procedure at all. It really depends on the many variables between the couple and how safe or dangerous the situation is to both parties. I also think if a couple agrees to a certain approach that should be supported by the therapist, not told that it contradicts some cookie cutter policy. In short, I don't like it. This, combined with you feeling some aspects of concern for you have not been given enough attention or emphasis, means to me that you need to have an honest chat to her about how you're feeling about the therapy direction. You need to tell her that you're feeling disengaged at the moment and that you want to talk more and return to some key issues. It might be that you can steer it back on track - and certainly her response to you expressing your needs will be very important in terms of whether you can trust her to take you somewhere constructive in the future.

I hope it works out. Nice to hear that your husband is really committed to things!

Best Regards,
M.

Hey Malando! so nice to hear from you! I hope you and your family had a nice holiday and new year!

I really enjoy getting your feedback. you have a nice no-nonsense way of pointing out anything that seems off.


sending you and your family lots of wonderful energy!

crap. The therapist my husband has been getting along with well is leaving the clinic. 

Hi raven song

Sorry to read that it?s not quite as you?d hoped with your therapy situations. I know you really want to work at healing yourself and your relationship, and that your partner moves forward in his own recovery. It seems like an awful lot of therapy though! Perhaps taking some time out from your individual therapy might be what you need right now, especially if you have some reservations about where it?s heading.

It?s only now that we?re actually having couple?s therapy and I can see the limitations already. It?s going well but a lot of time has been dedicated to learning how to communicate in a meaningful way rather than addiction issues. But then it?s fundamental to the relationship?s recovery because if his communication skills had been better in the first place we probably wouldn?t have ended up so far down the path of porn addiction.

I don?t think I could have dealt with individual therapy AND couples therapy at the same time. I don?t think it would have worked at all during the first 12-18 months after d day, but I knew we had to do it eventually. It?s such hard work, isn?t it? I will be doing more individual therapy later on , and I think I?ll be able to get more out of it compared to early on when I was still going through the slow drip of discovery and being re-traumatised. I don?t think there?s any right or wrong way in this process. So much is variable and unpredictable. Some addicts relapse over and over whilst some don?t even look at porn for three years or whatever, don?t miss it or want it, and then one day all their resolve falls away or they become complacent, and then they relapse. Some disclose immediately, others hide it and lie and carry on. Some addicts recover, others abstain. We never really know for sure how it?s going to pan out for our own partners. That?s why there?s no one right way, no one size fits all in this. And it can be really confusing for partners. How do we know what to do for the best? Even the best therapy can?t guarantee anything.

I?m not around here so much because I?m ?back to school? for career development which is taking up a lot of my free time. It?s actually quite a milestone for me because my head just wasn?t in gear for learning since d day, so it?s a positive sign that my personal recovery is progressing. It?s a kind of therapy in that it gets me into a completely different headspace and offers me some respite from all this addiction fallout.