birthday is this monday -Any advice on handling special occasions like this?

Hi All,
My birthday is coming up this Monday and I feel a little anxious about it.  We are trying to go away for the weekend and then we are taking the whole week off because of thanksgiving. 

Last year - it was an AWFUL birthday. I felt sad that my husband was not sharing with me any sort of romantic/sentimental feeling about me.  We have gone through the love languages book and my love language is strongly "words of affirmation". I have LOVED it in the past when he would sing to me, write me a meaningful card, etc.  I love that more than gifts. 

I'm sure this birthday will be better.  We haven't had much heated conflict in about 2 months. He's been listening to me so much better since he learned about "double messages"  that REALLY helps!  And now he is going to a PA therapist - so hopefully that will help me feel better too.

During our drive, I think I will ask him if we can listen to Brene Brown together - "Men, Women, and Worthiness: The Experience of Shame and the Power of Being Enough". My therapist recommended it.  It might help us to learn and connect while we are on vacation.  And it isn't PA focused material so it shouldn't trigger him I would think.  This time off, I'm going to read Brene Browns "Rising Strong"  there is supposed to be really good info in there about boundaries.

I'm basically proactively making a self-care plan to help me in case I feel super duper sad on my birthday and I might not feel that he finds me special. I'm hoping that as he recovers, he will be sharing his positive feelings about me more and more.  Right now, it doesn't feel like he is "in love" with me, and that can hurt as badly as him using porn.  I've been coping with this for the last year, but I'm concerned it will be worse on my bday.

Any advice on handling special occasions like this? 

Raven Song,

First off, happy upcoming birthday! I've been thinking about this myself as mine's tomorrow.

Some thoughts:

1. Expectations: I've been thinking to plan things in such a way that we can have success rather than shoot too high.

2. Keep grounded: Maybe ask him to be extra aware of the need for communication and honesty during the time away so you can relax and be open to a more interactive time with him.

3. Brene Brown. YES. I love her work and its been so helpful for me.

Good luck, happy birthday and we'll be thinking of you and sending good thoughts for a great holiday!

Thanks Hypatia, Happy Birthday for you today! 

I like your pseudonym...is that a Greek god or philosopher? 

Happy Birthday to both of you ladies!
Birthdays are about you. They are special. They are about you. Celebrating you. Try to fill your day with things that bring you joy. Even if you end up spending it with your friends or alone hiding in the isles of a bookstore (that is totally what I would do with a warm cup of tea or wine!)

Don't worry about the insecurities, focus on your progress and strength! Seize the day!

thanks Aquarius,
I will keep that in mind!

Thanks!

Hypatia was a woman philosopher, mathematician, inventor and pagan in ancient Greece who was martyred for her knowledge and her paganism. I've always found her inspiring.

Send you good wishes for a Happy Birthday!

Happy birthday! Hope it all went well. 

Thanks all for the Well Wishes!

Well, it was good and also disappointing because he didn't give me a card or do any of the things that I love.  I'm not surprised. I'm also not surprised that I felt hurt and then blew up.  but at least this blow up was more productive.  Our conflict was shorter. He listened to me. He felt really bad about all of my pain and hurt at not getting words of affirmation from him. He said he really gets it now and he doesn't want to continue hurting me.  He made an intention to share with me words of affirmation every single day. He said he can either lean into it or lean away from it. He decided to lean into it and do it daily to see why he's been resistance.  He's hoping this will bring up his feelings and help him to understand why he hasn't been doing this. He said it's the same as quitting porn.  stopping a behavior to see why he's been doing it. 

We had a campfire by the water which was really nice. Even saw many stars and the milky way!  And I asked him to write his intentions and place them in the fire - as  a birthday wish for me. It's the same as blowing out candles to make a wish - only here it was a large glorious campfire - bigger than any candle!  With lots of wood smoke that smelled so wonderful. 

So in the past couple of days since then, he has written me little notes and presented them to me. They are notes of gratitude about what he has experienced of me through the day. It feels good. It's a start. My guard is still up abit which makes it hard for me to completely take in the sentiment. I'm working on that. I want to receive his words of appreciation deeply. 

I'm hoping he continues these notes on a daily basis. I want to collect them and see the pile grow. It gives me something to look at when I'm feeling down and unloved.  See, I am loved, he is trying really hard.  There is hope. 

I wish I could have enjoyed the fire more and the stars as well. I was so distracted by my upset.  We did do a lot of really good heart to heart talking around the fire though- figuring out our conflict. He listened, and he apologized and I truly believe he wants to turn this all around.  Its so much hard work. 

I'm going to celebrate half birthday in 6 months.  I'm hoping it will be so much better. 

He said my next birthday will be
completely different
because
he will have done so much work
he will know himself so much better
therefore
he can give me so much more. 

I have hope.

Good NEWS!!!

he's been following through on the daily notes!  the best part is that I'm not focused on them and I keep forgetting about them. But just last night, right before bed, he was sitting on the couch writing away.  I told him I really appreciated it especially since he was really tired and sleep deprived at the time. 

I love that he is following through on a promise and I'm proud of myself for staying so focused on myself. I'm not checking on him. I'm not asking him about it.  He's just doing it! 

I think this is a sign of things changing. I think he is finally coming around. I'm not sure. I hope so! 

That's excellent, Raven! Sounds like he is very motivated to set things right - and that's what you need. You don't want to have to motivate somebody all the time. Very happy for you.

YAY. Its so nice to have something to hope for that has a day to day effect.

I'm happy for you!

Thanks Malando and Hypatia! I'm going to savor this progress! 

Best to you!

Glad he?s following through sounds positive