I have never really been one to post on forums but I have never felt so alone with my pain. I will try to keep our story short but I'd like to share what has occurred. When my husband was deployed 3 years ago he told me he wanted us to stop watching porn. I have never been a prude or anything close to it and I enjoyed porn myself. A year after he came home (almost 2 years ago now) I found porn on his tablet. He disclosed to me that he had never stopped. He also told me he had been doing it at work and reading stories about beastiality. The latter two things disgusted me, but I found out I was pregnant with our second child two days later. So I worked hard to move on and trust again. I didn't ask him to never look at it again, only to stop doing it at work and keep the subject matter to humans only. The only other stipulation was that when he resumed looking at porn I wanted him to let me know. Fast forward to July and I asked him if he had done it yet. Over the previous year and a half I had asked him randomly and he always said no. But that day he told me yes, he had done it the previous Friday but hadn't found a way to tell me yet. I was upset because the rule was so easy to follow yet he broke. I also asked him not to hide it when he started doing it again, but I couldn't find it in his history. He honestly expected me to believe that it had deleted itself. The following three months were hell. I knew he was hiding more and that websites don't just disappear but he just kept gas lighting me. He is not mean ever so it wasn't harsh gas lighting just stern denial. It started driving me crazy. Then shortly after he told me he wanted to ejaculate on my face. He had told me for years he'd never want to do that because it seemed degrading. But here he was wanting to do it. I started to feel so unloved and unvalued that I was contemplating separation. I couldn't pinpoint how but I knew he was hiding something and I knew things were different. Finally he disclosed to me last Sunday that he had stoped for a few months after the initial betrayal but he had been doing it again for over a year. I am shattered. I'm having flash backs and realizing how much his addiction has effected me and us. I'm remembering all the times I would ask him to stop doing something during sex or to be more gentle and it was like he didn't hear me. I feel violated knowing now that he just didn't care that he was hurting me and that I wanted him to stop. I have been in the process of discovering my own body and I would voice to him that my orgasm mattered too but he didn't seem to hear me. He also stopped going down on me shortly after he would've resumed viewing porn. It has been one of the roughest weeks of my life. I can't stop the waves of pain when I have flashbacks of violating things that happened during sex, or when I think about all the lies and hiding. I still feel like he's hiding more. That I'm still getting half truths. I'm also pissed that we've been having so much sex this week. I do not understand why my body wants him so fiercely when he hurt me so bad. I still haven't decided if I am going to stay. I'm sorry this is such a ramble but I am flooding with emotions I've been trying to hide the last few days. I am shaking and feel nauseous again. I feel like there is no hope for us or for me to ever heal. Driving into a truck so that he can get the insurance money to take care of the kids sounds like my best option right now. Thank you to whoever takes the time to read this.