Author Topic: need help!!  (Read 271 times)

pete76

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 6
    • View Profile
need help!!
« on: March 20, 2017, 06:00:24 PM »
i recently discovered thru my research and this site and others that i totally have porn induced ed. my addiction to porn has, as of now, ruined my relationship with the most beautiful woman in the world and i am realing from it. i have tons of questions but will start with this- as im trying to restore my relationship, how do i show her that it wasnt her fault and that its crucial for her to stand by me thru this.i want to be intimate with her and work on this together and not be alone.  ive been porn free for a couple weeks now and WILL not go back.. i want my best friend back and i dont want her to think i dont love her. help!!!

aquarius25

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 394
    • View Profile
Re: need help!!
« Reply #1 on: March 20, 2017, 08:47:21 PM »
I think first off you need to tell her how you feel. Be honest with her. Tell her the truth, about the porn and it not being her fault. Second, you may see it as crucial but for her she needs to be allowed a choice. She cannot make that choice with out all the facts and information. Most partners at first are upset and hurt, give her some time to digest everything and to sit with it. It is a lot to take in and can be very shocking. But most partners don't throw in the towel. A lot of them choose to stay. It isn't an easy choice thought. The only way to respect and love her is to be honest first and for most. Pour your heart out to her and allow her a choice.

I am glad that you are starting a reboot, that is the first step and a big step at that! Good job! Also know you have a community of support here! Good luck!

pete76

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 6
    • View Profile
Re: need help!!
« Reply #2 on: March 21, 2017, 12:18:20 AM »
Thanks aquarius25. As of now shes thrown me out of her life. i tried to hide my addiction with lies and understandedly she wont put up with that. I have told her its not her fault but she wont accept that. to be honest its been hard for me to give her space as i just want to explain that even tho i have this addiction, it doesnt mean i dont love her. Which i do dearly. she means the world to me. yesterday she retaliated by joining a dating site, saing- "you did it why so im gonna do it" that hurt. when i went on dating sites i never put myself out there just did the classic addiction thing and looked at the women. she has set up a profile and paid money to get "premium". she today said it was because she was upset and had too much wine. she tried to cancel but couldnt so she says "i might as well go on it" she is absolutley gorgeous and so i KNOW guys are gonna msg her and what not. i told her how much it hurts me but with her anger, i dont think she cares, saying "ive moved on" ive poured my heart out to her so much and like i said its hard to give her space ESPECIALLY since i live across the street from her. the instant i see her, i want to go talk to her and be with her. before this we were inseperable. ive never cheated but she keeps insisting i did which also hurts. i get being upset but she doesnt need to fuel the fire with faqlse accusations. its hard with this reboot too as id love to have intamcy with her and grow on that. rite now i have nothing....sucks.

AppleJack

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 40
    • View Profile
Re: need help!!
« Reply #3 on: March 21, 2017, 01:45:59 AM »
Porn is cheating. You need to accept that before you do anything else. Addicts make a lot of justifications but they don't stand up scrutiny.  I threatened my husband that I was going to hook up with someone, told him I know where all the sex addicts hang out and could find one tomorrow if I wanted to. I didn't mean it is just wanted him to feel some of the same pain he had caused me.

http://themattwalshblog.com/2013/11/25/married-men-your-porn-habit-is-an-adultery-habit/

http://www.abattleplan.com/2011/01/emotional-affair-cheating-pornography/

http://fightthenewdrug.org/is-watching-porn-cheating-on-your-partner/

http://www.covenanteyes.com/2015/01/19/using-porn-is-cheating/


Try buying the book love you hate the porn or check out Mark Chamberlains.blogspot.com


Robert1

  • Guest
Re: need help!!
« Reply #4 on: March 21, 2017, 12:53:06 PM »
Porn is cheating. You need to accept that before you do anything else. Addicts make a lot of justifications but they don't stand up scrutiny.  I threatened my husband that I was going to hook up with someone, told him I know where all the sex addicts hang out and could find one tomorrow if I wanted to. I didn't mean it is just wanted him to feel some of the same pain he had caused me.

http://themattwalshblog.com/2013/11/25/married-men-your-porn-habit-is-an-adultery-habit/

http://www.abattleplan.com/2011/01/emotional-affair-cheating-pornography/

http://fightthenewdrug.org/is-watching-porn-cheating-on-your-partner/

http://www.covenanteyes.com/2015/01/19/using-porn-is-cheating/


Try buying the book love you hate the porn or check out Mark Chamberlains.blogspot.com

Porn can have the same emotional effects as cheating but there are certain physical dangers that are unique to physical sex with another person.
I guess it's important for individuals in a relationship to set their own boundaries as to what they consider to be cheating, some people even draw lines in regards to emotional relationships with the opposite sex, even when no sexual aspect is present. Cheating isn't about the act itself, it is any act that steps over the boundaries that are defined in a relationship. After all there are some couples that practice polygamy, and are honest with each other nonetheless.
I hope you told him eventually that you weren't serious, not that he doesn't deserve it but 2 wrongs don't heal a relationship, I hope things get better for you.
« Last Edit: March 21, 2017, 03:11:05 PM by Robert1 »

Robert1

  • Guest
Re: need help!!
« Reply #5 on: March 21, 2017, 01:01:04 PM »
Thanks aquarius25. As of now shes thrown me out of her life. i tried to hide my addiction with lies and understandedly she wont put up with that. I have told her its not her fault but she wont accept that. to be honest its been hard for me to give her space as i just want to explain that even tho i have this addiction, it doesnt mean i dont love her. Which i do dearly. she means the world to me. yesterday she retaliated by joining a dating site, saing- "you did it why so im gonna do it" that hurt. when i went on dating sites i never put myself out there just did the classic addiction thing and looked at the women. she has set up a profile and paid money to get "premium". she today said it was because she was upset and had too much wine. she tried to cancel but couldnt so she says "i might as well go on it" she is absolutley gorgeous and so i KNOW guys are gonna msg her and what not. i told her how much it hurts me but with her anger, i dont think she cares, saying "ive moved on" ive poured my heart out to her so much and like i said its hard to give her space ESPECIALLY since i live across the street from her. the instant i see her, i want to go talk to her and be with her. before this we were inseperable. ive never cheated but she keeps insisting i did which also hurts. i get being upset but she doesnt need to fuel the fire with faqlse accusations. its hard with this reboot too as id love to have intamcy with her and grow on that. rite now i have nothing....sucks.

She is certainly entitled to her view on what is and isn't cheating. Not much you can do other than suggesting a compromise. Maybe you can tell her that you would still like to keep in contact and start earning her trust back. Maybe over time you will earn her friendship and perhaps more.

To be honest it seems like you are heavily enticed by her physical appearance. What is it that you love about her as a person? If it was mainly a physical relationship you might count it a learning experience and move on. Now you know it is better to be honest from the start and establish boundaries in the relationship. I'd of course recommend ditching porn, but that decision is yours to make. If you can't manage it then at least you can be honest about it from now on.

Good luck out there :)
« Last Edit: March 21, 2017, 03:11:58 PM by Robert1 »

pete76

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 6
    • View Profile
Re: need help!!
« Reply #6 on: March 21, 2017, 07:40:49 PM »
Her looks are just the added bonus. she is intelligent, honest, fun to be with a strong christian.. she was..IS my best friend. and i should state that i do agree that watching porn is a form of cheating, i was saying that she has accused me of physically cheating on her as well as hooking up on dating sites, which i havnt done and wouldnt. Im trying to start from zero,to regain her trust, to do whatever it takes, shes just not having it. she has (i believe) started talking to someone or more on a dating site which is killing me. i know shes lonely and sad but that is the last place she should look for comfort.

malando

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 595
  • Personal Text
    Something deep should be here, but it isn't...
    • View Profile
Re: need help!!
« Reply #7 on: March 22, 2017, 02:29:29 AM »
she has (i believe) started talking to someone or more on a dating site which is killing me. i know shes lonely and sad but that is the last place she should look for comfort.
That's not really your call to make. Who are you to say what is right for her to do? Maybe she needs this - regardless of how much it "kills" you. She has her owns thoughts and ideas - she isn't you. I think what you are seeing are the consequences of what you've done to your relationship. As hard as it is, it's something you have to accept. You may have lost her for good. But you should still work on your own recovery. Good luck with it. There's plenty of support here if you need it.

stillme

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 239
    • View Profile
Re: need help!!
« Reply #8 on: March 22, 2017, 04:57:13 AM »
i know shes lonely and sad but that is the last place she should look for comfort.

The entire problem with porn addiction is that is takes away the FIRST place a partner can go to look for comfort. You weren't there when you should have been. Rarely do recovering addicts realize just how much they 'checked out' of their relationship until well into their recovery. Many think they were balancing things just fine, they think they were hiding their betrayal, they don't think they were spending that much time away - but they were.

If she thinks you were in a physical relationship, you may need to really examine if you started having a one-sided emotional affair with one of your favorite porn girls. As ridiculous as that sounds, it actually did happen to my husband when he was in the throws of his addiction. Started with him going to her web cam room more and more often, then paying coins to chat with her, then paying coins for private chat, culminating in paying for cam-to-cam. Her compliments to get him to spend more coins actually went to his head and he admits to actually developing some feelings. Of course now he completely realizes how ridiculous it all was, but at the time - I absolutely thought he was having a real life affair and you could not have convinced me it was 'just porn'. You may not have gone as far as my husband did, but if you developed a 'favorite', you absolutely could have begun to establish some feelings and yes - an partner that loves you and is connected to you will absolutely pick up on that. And no, the 'affair' being virtual rather than physical does not at all lessen the blow or make it better, if fact - in some ways it is far worse than if you partner neglected you physically and emotional for a real person. To be neglected for an onscreen fling with some porn actress who was doing nothing but playing a role if far more embarrassing.

I am honestly not sure how you don't see her assertion of porn as physically cheating. It is physically cheating in three ways. The first is that if you are masturbating to porn - you are reaching sexual climax with the aide of another woman, you are literally getting sexual needs met with the aide of another woman/man outside of the relations. The second is that while you are viewing porn, you are physically, emotionally, and mentally unavailable to your partner. How is it not physically cheating to be in real life unavailable to your partner because you are spending time with other woman/men - even if just in front of the computer. The third reason is that what porn use to the form of addiction says to the partner is the same as what it says to partners in other forms of affairs - she was not good enough for you to meet all of your needs, so you went out and found someone/something else. She was not wanted/needed and you decided to go spend time 'having fun' with someone else.

If you don't think it is really cheating, imagine what your reaction would be if you walked in and saw her masturbating to another man on the screen - especially if she was lying about it, emotionally unavailable towards you, or she was way more enthusiastic about her experience in front of the computer than she ever was with you. I think you would completely change your view about whether or not porn is physically cheating.

pete76

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 6
    • View Profile
Re: need help!!
« Reply #9 on: March 22, 2017, 08:33:02 PM »
Thank you so much for the insight and opinions. They are taken to heart. I see now more than ever how watching porn IS cheating.  i am new to this side of the battle but WILL win with support. This subgect is so taboo. i recently confessed to all my facebook friends about my addiction which was so freeing. NEVER AGAIN will i watch that crap. Ruined the best relation ship I've ever had.

malando

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 595
  • Personal Text
    Something deep should be here, but it isn't...
    • View Profile
Re: need help!!
« Reply #10 on: March 22, 2017, 10:31:16 PM »
Thank you so much for the insight and opinions. They are taken to heart. I see now more than ever how watching porn IS cheating.  i am new to this side of the battle but WILL win with support. This subgect is so taboo. i recently confessed to all my facebook friends about my addiction which was so freeing. NEVER AGAIN will i watch that crap. Ruined the best relation ship I've ever had.
Good for you, Pete! You're taking control of things now, and you'll give your next relationship a real chance of success with your new attitude. Porn ruins relationships, no question. Best of luck!