Author Topic: I'll keep digging till I feel something - Reboot Journal  (Read 2708 times)

believe

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Re: I'll keep digging till I feel something - Reboot Journal
« Reply #50 on: March 19, 2017, 04:32:58 AM »
Then I stopped playback, removed the message and clip from WhatsApp and my phone, and went to sleep. So... for me this doesn't constitute a fail. It took me by surprise. Of course, I shouldn't have opened the video clip. But my response was basically self-control... with 10 seconds delay, yeah, but still... More proud of myself here than anything else.

Of course it's not a fail! That's a big success man! I know sometimes when I receive those vids on what'sapp from friends I open them, then immediately delete them. That is a success anyways for me as well, BUT YES, to be fully honest to be completely sober it's better to avoid the trigger, because they are dangerous, they are powerful, they are our worst enemies.

You behavior anyways showed a big improvement and definitely something good happened in your reaction.

So kudos for you. Learn from it, be present and try to analyze what happened in your body, brain, and general behavior.
NExt time avoid it, because you want to reach your healthy healed state as soon as possible, and those are just fucking blocks that eventually slow down your improvements. We all want you to be successful in this fight, as soon as possible. So choose wisely, be wise and be consistent.

well done

anhaedra

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Re: I'll keep digging till I feel something - Reboot Journal
« Reply #51 on: March 19, 2017, 09:08:25 AM »
Yeah well, I did a little edging just now. Why? :-\ I didn't orgasm, fortunately. But the whole thing brought me nothing, just like before, why am I doing this?

I can reverse the little damage I just did to my reboot by not touching my dick again anytime soon. And learn from this. It wasn't even fun. Looking on Tinder just to get a hard-on. I wasn't even that hard or horny. Dead dick phase.

It's that little porn clip from last night. Been thinking about porn more than ever before since rebooting.

But okay... I managed to restrain myself just in time. 8) I'm so looking forward to 2 weeks of abstinence, for once in my life. I shouldn't screw up now. I can do it.

This could be a productive day. So far it hasn't...

What to take away from this?
1) Don't open potentially erotic content on WhatsApp
2) Don't lie down on the couch out of boredom
3) Don't use Tinder for now
4) Don't look up your date on Facebook, because she's simply too hot :P

I'm trying to un-learn something I did more than half my life. And my attempts are getting better every week. But I hate having edged today. It's not helping my progress.

And the dead dick thing is good. Shows my body notices something's changing. Before, I just had low libido. Meaning I wasn't thinking about sex or porn as often. This dead dick is new. Meaning it's not as responsive as usual to mental or physical stimulation. While edging, I got hard, but not really hard. And when I finally did, I felt orgasm coming so I stopped.

So, I know nothing's wrong with my dick. No need to test it again... everything's going according to plan.

And yeah, I felt kind of hung over afterwards... maybe because I didn't ejaculate? Maybe physical withdrawal?
« Last Edit: March 19, 2017, 02:35:29 PM by anhaedra »
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anhaedra

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Re: I'll keep digging till I feel something - Reboot Journal
« Reply #52 on: March 20, 2017, 09:59:40 AM »
DAY # 8 (MO)
DAY # 36 (P)


Monday, always the best day for a fresh new start. Let's forget about yesterday's little mistake and just enjoy the fact that I have officially entered week # 2 of uninterrupted MO abstinence. Don't think I ever got any further than 8 days, so tomorrow I'll be breaking some personal records. ;)

Like I said, after yesterday's edging endeavor I feel sort of hung over. Got a headache, my stomach's upset. Maybe this is physical withdrawal finally kicking in.

So today at work I felt lousy, physically speaking... but my mood was all okay. Usually I'm depressed when having physical complaints.

I'm sort of texting with the fitness woman... but don't know what to do with her. It's more like she's the only option I've got right now... but then again, at this stage of my reboot an ascetic lifestyle is what I need. If I start dating her, it will lead to (a) masturbation, or (b) PIED. Probably both. And to cope with all the stress I'll start smoking...
Prying open my third eye.

anhaedra

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Re: I'll keep digging till I feel something - Reboot Journal
« Reply #53 on: March 20, 2017, 07:15:49 PM »
DAY # 0 (NO FAPPING)
DAY # 37 (NO PORN)


The "NO PORN" thing is just wonderful.

But "NO FAPPING" is something else. Again, I've failed on the 1-week mark. Not because I had to release. It's pretty much the dead dick experience lately. No, where I go wrong, is that I allow myself little substitutes for fapping. Or rather, little invitations. Like:

1) Using Tinder just to look at slutty pics
2) Looking up certain women on Facebook
3) Lying down and lowering my pants (WTF? Yeah, I do this all the time. Testing my cock or whatever.)
4) Getting myself hard during meditation

I should just go about my daily business. Spontaneous erections will come. And when they come, that's fine. But I should not summon them. It's not working anyway, tonight I needed a ton of stimulation before I got really hard. Pretty much wasted my entire evening sort-of-fapping.

I have hobbies. And interests. So boredom is no reason to fap. Hell, I shouldn't even GET bored. I've got so many plans. Yet tonight was boring enough to start fapping. Felt kind of depressed and lonely.

Now I'm sitting here in the middle of the night. Ruining my night's rest.

What to say to myself to avoid this shit from now on? If I don't touch my dick, or try to get myself hard, everything is FINE. Those are 2 really simple rules, actually. No touching. No activities whose sole purpose is getting me horny.

Still proud of myself. Root of all evil, porn, is no longer part of my life. I felt depressed tonight but didn't turn to porn.

Every time from now on, when I'm thinking about fappy activities, I must instead use that free time doing somethine else. There's ALWAYS something else to do. Something productive. Something more satisfying. As long as I'm not getting hard, it's not even difficult. But that's the thing. I WANT to get myself hard. So I MAKE things difficult. It's just my old habits tricking me onto the slippery slope.

I need to write this all down, in length, because it's my only hope of teaching myself how to be better next time.

Tonight was a total waste. Net result: boring night, lost sleep, damage to reboot. I knew this would happen when I went onto Tinder... but I let it happen. One thing leads to another. Always. It's like smoking. You can fool yourself all you want. You smoke a single cigarette and sooner or later you're back to square one.

Please, man. Learn from this.
« Last Edit: March 20, 2017, 07:22:27 PM by anhaedra »
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anhaedra

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Re: I'll keep digging till I feel something - Reboot Journal
« Reply #54 on: March 21, 2017, 07:31:58 AM »
I know why I fail at NoFap and not at NoPorn. It's because I'm utterly convinced porn is bad and ceasing its use is good. But I'm still in doubt, to be honest, whether total abstinence serves any purpose or is helping me one way or another.

If someone can fill me in here, please do.
Prying open my third eye.

believe

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Re: I'll keep digging till I feel something - Reboot Journal
« Reply #55 on: March 21, 2017, 10:08:23 AM »
Yes man, NoPMO is the way to heal, noFap is the way to speed it up.
Of course it's ok to masturbate, without Porn of course. But the reality is we are trying to recover from a situation here, that's why it would be much better to abstain.
For me just works this way: whatever I MO during rebooting, it just screws me up, I lose focus, I lose what I am building up, I lose consistency, and I also lose that libido that I have been re-gaining while abstaining.

It seems like I am in a worst condition than yours, so I feel like I really need to abstain, while you might have more flexibility on that. The only suggestion I feel like giving you is: go with your gut, if you feel like you can manage MO again, and it doesn't affect you, otherwise be honest with yourself and try to keep it up and abstain, you will be totally aware when you will be healed again.

The general rule is very simple, it's just up to you and how you feel I guess.
For me, abstaining is the only way to believe I can fucking heal from this situation, no other way around.
Abstaining + time + patience = success
May be for you it's slightly different and abstaining is not such a big deal anymore.

anhaedra

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Re: I'll keep digging till I feel something - Reboot Journal
« Reply #56 on: March 21, 2017, 01:18:35 PM »
The main reason I want to abstain from all masturbation, is that I want to avoid the slippery slope. If I "officially" allow myself to masturbate once a week, without porn... it will escalate sooner or later. Twice week, every other day... Looking up chicks on Tinder or Facebook is just one step away from porn. I know myself. I know what happens when I allow myself to "only smoke when going out"...

Last night I literally felt sick from not orgasming. So I just had to. Couldn't sleep either. But I only felt sick after I started arousing myself and testing my penis. Before that, I was fine on 8 days of abstinence.

I feel that I'm slowly improving, sexually and otherwise. Whether my intermittent masturbation has a positive or negative impact on it, I really can't tell.

Point of the matter is, I wasted my entire evening and half my night's rest in masturbation limbo last night. You know, browsing on Tinder, testing your cock a little, "nah I shouldn't do this". Half an hour later, same routine. You're in constant half-assed denial. And over again. So wasteful. I couldn't even enjoy it because you know, "I shouldn't be doing this"... I'm rebooting.

So it brought me literally nothing. So I shouldn't do it again. It's simple.
Prying open my third eye.

anhaedra

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Re: I'll keep digging till I feel something - Reboot Journal
« Reply #57 on: March 21, 2017, 04:05:40 PM »
Interesting development.

Called the fitness woman tonight. Thought we were done, almost blocked her. But turns out she's a recovering drug addict. Which I can relate to because I know all about drugs and hey... addiction ring a bell? So I seized the opportunity by telling her about my addiction. Hesitantly at first, but she pieced things together pretty fast. So I just gave her the lowdown.

Now at least this potential date runs no risk of "hey, what the fuck is wrong with you?" when I'm not immediately making physical moves on her or whatever. Or when first sex is disappointing.

She seemed to be understanding, so... what more can I ask for at this point? We want to meet each other, maybe next week.
Prying open my third eye.

believe

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Re: I'll keep digging till I feel something - Reboot Journal
« Reply #58 on: March 22, 2017, 04:14:33 AM »
2 quick notes:

1. I TOTALLY see myself wasting time at evening/night in the MO/Shound not MO limbo and in the end wasting hours instead of doing something productive. Be present, realize what you are doing and what you should be doing, force yourself to practice something else. If being at home is too much of a problem, just go to a cafe with internet at night and read a book or do something on the internet, avoid to stay home alone. This masturbation thing is a continuous battle, you either figure out a way to stay far from it, or you are most likely to lose.

2. Very good step talking to that girl about your addiction, it will sure help you keep exploring and realizing what you are going through and keep fighting to win that battle.

anhaedra

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Re: I'll keep digging till I feel something - Reboot Journal
« Reply #59 on: March 22, 2017, 08:16:59 AM »
Yeah, I was a little worried today... What the hell did I tell her? We've never even met and I'm giving full disclosure on my porn addiction. :o

But she just texted me, saying she really appreciated my honesty. We're going on a date now, in 2 weeks time.

The whole thing has made me horny... prospect of a date always does. Couldn't sleep well because of it. But now I have an extra ton of motivation to not touch myself. Want to reboot as thoroughly as I can the next 2 weeks. :) Not even for sexual reasons. I want to present the best version of myself to her, as a person. :)
Prying open my third eye.

anhaedra

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Re: I'll keep digging till I feel something - Reboot Journal
« Reply #60 on: March 22, 2017, 02:20:44 PM »
DAY # 1 (NO FAPPING)
DAY # 38 (NO PORN)


I'm doing fine over here. Slowly but surely I'm learning how to better deal with the situation. It feels like I'm not severely affected by porn-induced problems, so my recovery is probably more gradual and less dramatic. It's just the sheer chunk of my life I spent watching porn, that worries me (at least half my life, 15+ years). Makes me think rebooting could take a while.

But my symptoms are mild... Today a girl at work gave me the look. Like one second. I got a boner. With my date I got it up on 2nd attempt.

So, yeah... I feel really lucky being only minimally affected by this. Back in the day I was really addicted, I had no sexual performance issues. Just a diminished interest in partner sex. Later my porn use decreased but the years of porn use had taken their toll, like a cumulative effect, so it was time to reboot.

But I have had no urges to watch porn again. It's just the routine that's still there. Established, worn out pathways in my brain. But not the longing, not the craving for porn. When I masturbate now //without porn, that is// it feels like the good old teenage days... when masturbation was just mind-blowing. Because I'm just so horny. Granted, after a week's abstinence.

My porn-induced problems seem to be of a psychological nature. Main benefits I've noticed from first decreasing porn use, and later rebooting, are like more energy, determination, resilience. More happiness. More confidence. That's obviously the recovery of my dopamine system. Of rewiring.

And I wonder how far I could take this. When will I reach a plateau of self-improvement? Will the natural high become more frequent?
Prying open my third eye.

anhaedra

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Re: I'll keep digging till I feel something - Reboot Journal
« Reply #61 on: March 23, 2017, 01:26:59 AM »
DAY # 0 (NO FAPPING)
DAY # 39 (NO PORN)


For the 3rd night in a row I can't sleep well because all I can think about is women. This morning, I didn't do Kegels, or didn't try to get myself hard, I simply was hard and couldn't do anything about it. Thought about my date, about the fitness woman, about the girl at work. Before I started masturbating I was already close to orgasm, took 20 seconds maybe to orgasm, no kidding.

No intrusive thoughts about porn or porn-like sex. Just these women, the idea of them lying against me in my bed, kissing me. Can't say there's anything wrong with that.

Only theoretically, reboot could require an absolute reset of your sexual brain through total abstinence. Meaning that by not watching porn, I'm halting further damage, but by still masturbating, I'm not gaining any progress. But that's just theory. Considering how rock hard I get from thoughts alone and how little masturbation is required, I wouldn't say my mind is still wired to unnatural stimuli.

But I WILL keep using the counter here, because I CAN'T allow myself to masturbate freely, as per the rationale a few posts up here. It's a slippery slope. I WILL soldier on this way. I'm not using porn anymore, and the edging games are also gone. There's a difference between lowering your pants on purpose, or browsing on Tinder, or playing with yourself... what I did the past several weeks... and simply getting rock hard from nothing, and having to release, which happened this morning.

Bottom line -- I'm slowly learning how to better deal with the situation. Reboot isn't an all-or-nothing reset, like you would with a computer. We're organic beings, it's fuzzy science. Our road has bumps along the way. The point is, you have to learn and get better along the way. That is progress. It's not about a hard counter on a forum that you have to adhere to. It's growing as a person in real life. Out there.
Prying open my third eye.

anhaedra

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Re: I'll keep digging till I feel something - Reboot Journal
« Reply #62 on: March 23, 2017, 03:30:09 PM »
I'm in constant doubt here.

I feel so bad over having masturbated AGAIN. Seems like every time I pat myself on the back, I slip up. I could be at 39 days hard mode. Just think of all the benefits...

Then again, it's so difficult to tell. This week is worse than last week, in terms of improvements, but then again, I've been losing sleep each night for some reason. So maybe I'm just tired. I am tired, as a matter of fact. And like I said before, several variables factor into your well-being. Rebooting is just one of them. Doesn't mean every day has to be terrific from now on.

Am I a bad case? A relatively mild case? Will rebooting hard mode give me all kinds of superpowers? Or am I already partially healed? No use going through the torture of total abstinence? Which //IS// fucking torture, btw.

The only way to find out, is to keep trying... it never hurts going hard mode.

I just need to identify my sexual triggers. Tinder -- deleted from my phone. Dating -- just one date left (to be clear, I won't call her off). Boredom -- start doing something, even if it's the middle of the night and you can't sleep, don't lie or sit down without purpose because boredom's a big trigger for me. Random erotic content -- e.g., on WhatsApp, television, Facebook, immediately turn away or delete. Touching -- even the slightest touching / testing of myself leads to masturbation, stop doing this.

It's been too long since I last felt the natural high. I need to get some decent sleep, and stop masturbating. Everything else is already in order. I don't smoke. Don't watch porn. I meditate. Do everything right. Please, let me sleep well tonight. Then I have absolute faith my attempts will get better and better and my masturbation will be something of the past.
Prying open my third eye.

believe

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Re: I'll keep digging till I feel something - Reboot Journal
« Reply #63 on: March 24, 2017, 04:43:14 AM »
Hey man,

to sleep well try some intense workout, then at night camomilla or melatonina.
I know I totally recall having the SAME troubles: tinder, fb, whatsapp, everything is just a huge trigger factor, plus boredom at night is killer, and once you start lying and even slightly touch it, it's gone, autopilot and you are already M

Totally see me in the same position, and as I said I'm not there quite yet just because my libido is still way lower than yours, you seem way more ahead of recovery of me. But for example last night I had all the same triggers and ended up edging myself in bed for quite a while.

Here is the thing: we have the opportunity to learn more from our body and ourselves now, try anything, cold shower seems to work out, I will try that If I can't refrain myself to get there and keep masturbating, or I will go out for a walk. Anything that will keep me away and will help me stay sober, on the path of a better version of myself.

take it this way: there is no improvement if there is no hustle. This is a big opportunity you have to overcome it and be better and reach a better version of yourself. It's up to you know understanding if you'd like to get there or not.

DO IT!

anhaedra

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Re: I'll keep digging till I feel something - Reboot Journal
« Reply #64 on: March 24, 2017, 12:52:33 PM »
DAY # 1 (NO FAPPING)
DAY # 40 (NO PORN)


I've had terrible sleep problems a few months back. It made me feel horrible during the day. A true vicious circle. Their returning now I hope is just a small incident.

However, what's really great, is that I'm no longer devastated by lack of sleep... Had great energy this week and especially today, even though last night was sleep-deprived AGAIN.

This really is the biggest and most consistent benefit of rebooting -- increased energy and confidence levels, ESPECIALLY "in the face of adversity" -- on shitty days. Feels like nothing can make a dent in me. And the brain fog... it's GONE. Even when I'm missing sleep... This is just so great. :) For years, I've had episodes of intense brain fog, feeling like no one understood me. It's not like your doctor can help you or anything. It was terrible and now it's GONE.

I'm taking cold showers after working out now. First time, I thought I was dying. I started gasping loudly and my heart just pounded. Now, 3rd time... peanuts. Hah. Talk about facing your inner anxiety demons and casting them out. :D

Even after recent failures I feel really great and motivated again. Which is AGAIN this great fucking resilience that rebooting gives me.
Prying open my third eye.

believe

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Re: I'll keep digging till I feel something - Reboot Journal
« Reply #65 on: March 25, 2017, 03:53:54 AM »
Everything I read something pretty awesome! Keep up with the good work and positive attitude! The monster will soon be defeated!

anhaedra

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Re: I'll keep digging till I feel something - Reboot Journal
« Reply #66 on: March 25, 2017, 07:20:02 AM »
DAY # 2 (NO FAPPING)
DAY # 41 (NO PORN)


Another Saturday morning, sleeping in, no real reason to get up early. Enter Temptation Island...

I discovered a helpful thought. The feeling of being horny feels great, right? But we've developed a habit of touching ourselves in response to it. Which heightens the feeling for a short duration, but after orgasm it's just gone... So this morning I focused on simply enjoying the feeling of sexual arousal. And I imagined myself going out tonight, either with that libido or without it. Of course, the former is so much better.

This really is a kind of mental switch we must make. Instead of viewing arousal as a burden, or as tension, that needs to be relieved, try looking at it as a positive vibe that you carry with you in your daily activities. An energizing force that makes you feel better and more eager to socialize and be charming.

Btw, my sleep problems have taught me one thing -- I wake up way too early and can't get back to sleep, but it's always accompanied by morning wood. This morning I had a boner for several hours lying in bed, and I never even touched myself. So yeah, I guess my recovery is going well. On the other hand, I still have such vivid memories of my favorite porn clips. I would still love to see them again.

I have to remain vigilant.
Prying open my third eye.

believe

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Re: I'll keep digging till I feel something - Reboot Journal
« Reply #67 on: March 25, 2017, 12:09:01 PM »
Great post, and I loved the idea of working to change point of view and being able to enjoy our arousal Ste instead of jerking it off.

It's a powerful concept to remind ourselves. Something so simple but so true that can make all the difference.

And great job on avoiding touching yourself, I feel like you really are in the path of changing everything in your life with your conscious decisions.  Keep it up with the good work you will soon see great results!

anhaedra

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Re: I'll keep digging till I feel something - Reboot Journal
« Reply #68 on: March 25, 2017, 01:46:33 PM »
Looked up provocative pictures today on Whatsapp when feeling bored and lonely. It didn't give me a boner. Deleted all pics. Went to have dinner with a friend.

This is the way to go. I'm not flawless. I will be tempted, over and over again. It's how I deal with it, which determines my progress.
Prying open my third eye.

Orbiter

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Re: I'll keep digging till I feel something - Reboot Journal
« Reply #69 on: March 26, 2017, 03:01:56 AM »
Wow Anhaedra, it's been great reading through your journal. You can really feel the progress you've made over the time. It's also great to see how well you're now able to handle triggers, it comes through that you really think about this stuff.

This journal makes me wish I was back at 41 days!

anhaedra

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Re: I'll keep digging till I feel something - Reboot Journal
« Reply #70 on: March 26, 2017, 12:24:08 PM »
Thank you, Orbiter, however ironic... because this weekend I failed BIG TIME on multiple fronts.

I was going out last night and told myself to not drink any alcohol, because I would take drugs. Friends come over, first thing I do is open a can of beer for myself. Don't ask me why. But this started a cascade of stupid choices. Next thing, I accompany people on the balcony to have a smoke. How easily I was flipped there... One minute I'm totally motivated and happy to have quit smoking, next minute I'm lighting one. So I ended up smoking several cigarettes last night.

We go to the party, I take a responsible dose of amphetamine. Then, 15 fucking minutes before leaving, I feel down because the drugs have worn off, and I redose... Why the fuck? It was perfect... effects worn off, go home, go to bed, wake up, everything fine. Now I stayed up the entire night because I was too wired, obviously.

Now taking psychostimulants and skipping a night ALWAYS meant hypersexuality for me, and last night was no different. I went on an edging session that literally took hours, partly because I couldn't get it up consistently because of the intoxication. I orgasmed in the shower, late the next morning.

Then when waking up from a nap during the day, there's this hypersexual vibe again. I'm like, I fucked up so badly this weekend, no saving this, what the hell. Tomorrow's a new week, but today's already fucked. So I jacked off to porn substitutes. First facebook pics, then a JOI video, which is technically porn, even if not actual sex. At least I had to go on a porn tube site to watch it.

I could give myself the benefit of the doubt and not reset my counters. But screw these counters, they're already... confounded. Tainted. Tomorrow I will start using a new, single counter. No PMO. Meaning no porn, masturbation, or self-induced orgasm, concerted or not.

I need to remind myself of what I wrote down earlier. The Ten Commandments. First 3 read no smoking, no masturbation, responsible drug use. I failed big time on these. I need to be aware of this "cascade" of events... My willpower is strong but fragile. Take some damage here, the whole thing is bound to disintegrate. This really is the perfect example of the slippery slope. I knew I had it coming, just read my recent posts here. I was aware of it but somehow I couldn't stop it. Semi-allowing myself to masturbate once a week, led to more masturbation this week, and eventually to, well... porn. Not the worst transgression but it was porn.

Thanks for reading. Wish me luck. Here's to a fresh new start tomorrow. I have not failed, because I did not give up. My progress has been damaged, but has not been erased. With a little patience and determination, I'll be back to where I was and will progress further from there on.
« Last Edit: March 26, 2017, 12:32:01 PM by anhaedra »
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KittyHawk

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Re: I'll keep digging till I feel something - Reboot Journal
« Reply #71 on: March 26, 2017, 01:03:05 PM »
Anhaedra: I think you are doing great but you could be doing even better if you could stop also the fapping.

But don't worry. Just by stopping with P, you started the healing process. Especially if the fapping isn't several hours long edging (which I am unfortunately prone to).

I also have sleep problems that are most likely withdrawal related. Well, maybe stress in general also plays its part.
If I were a general and wanted to make enemy's male population completely useless, I would just carpet-bomb them with porn.

Orbiter

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Re: I'll keep digging till I feel something - Reboot Journal
« Reply #72 on: March 27, 2017, 02:20:48 AM »
Thank you, Orbiter, however ironic... because this weekend I failed BIG TIME on multiple fronts.

I was going out last night and told myself to not drink any alcohol, because I would take drugs. Friends come over, first thing I do is open a can of beer for myself. Don't ask me why. But this started a cascade of stupid choices. Next thing, I accompany people on the balcony to have a smoke. How easily I was flipped there... One minute I'm totally motivated and happy to have quit smoking, next minute I'm lighting one. So I ended up smoking several cigarettes last night.

We go to the party, I take a responsible dose of amphetamine. Then, 15 fucking minutes before leaving, I feel down because the drugs have worn off, and I redose... Why the fuck? It was perfect... effects worn off, go home, go to bed, wake up, everything fine. Now I stayed up the entire night because I was too wired, obviously.

Now taking psychostimulants and skipping a night ALWAYS meant hypersexuality for me, and last night was no different. I went on an edging session that literally took hours, partly because I couldn't get it up consistently because of the intoxication. I orgasmed in the shower, late the next morning.

Then when waking up from a nap during the day, there's this hypersexual vibe again. I'm like, I fucked up so badly this weekend, no saving this, what the hell. Tomorrow's a new week, but today's already fucked. So I jacked off to porn substitutes. First facebook pics, then a JOI video, which is technically porn, even if not actual sex. At least I had to go on a porn tube site to watch it.

I could give myself the benefit of the doubt and not reset my counters. But screw these counters, they're already... confounded. Tainted. Tomorrow I will start using a new, single counter. No PMO. Meaning no porn, masturbation, or self-induced orgasm, concerted or not.

I need to remind myself of what I wrote down earlier. The Ten Commandments. First 3 read no smoking, no masturbation, responsible drug use. I failed big time on these. I need to be aware of this "cascade" of events... My willpower is strong but fragile. Take some damage here, the whole thing is bound to disintegrate. This really is the perfect example of the slippery slope. I knew I had it coming, just read my recent posts here. I was aware of it but somehow I couldn't stop it. Semi-allowing myself to masturbate once a week, led to more masturbation this week, and eventually to, well... porn. Not the worst transgression but it was porn.

Thanks for reading. Wish me luck. Here's to a fresh new start tomorrow. I have not failed, because I did not give up. My progress has been damaged, but has not been erased. With a little patience and determination, I'll be back to where I was and will progress further from there on.

I feel reading this, like this was something that was building up in you for some time, especially how you describe your thoughts going into the night. I'm far from an expert on the neurological nature of addiction but I feel these pathways are all very similar, the act of bingeing on something leads to the bingeing on something else. It sounds like you knew there were going to be drugs there and you knew once you had a couple of drinks you were going to take.

I quit smoking just over two months ago, it's something that i'm quietly proud of as the act of it was a huge mental and emotional crutch for me. If I went out this weekend, had a few beers and in a moment of weakness gave in and had a smoke, i'd be pretty dissapointed in myself. It would be pretty easy to simply say 'fuck it' and go the whole way, and if there's some uppers going around...

I think you showed some considerable restraint in the manner you relapsed. I would've binged for a whole day after a night like that. I think you should, if nothing else, take some comfort in that you didn't go all out, and you're already reflecting on how things will be different next time. That sounds like progress to me.

I think from here onward, take some time to reflect on it, move forward, watch out for any 'chaser' effect over the next couple of days and don't forget to forgive yourself.


believe

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Re: I'll keep digging till I feel something - Reboot Journal
« Reply #73 on: March 27, 2017, 04:07:04 AM »
There are always going to be difficult moments along the way, don't give up and keep fighting for it.

Just remember that all you wrote down shows how aware you are about what you are going through, and the only way to progress is to learn from your mistakes next time. You haven't watched real porn, big improvement since last time you ever did something like that. Looking at the bright side you did a big improvement, so kudos for you.

Just continue going on the same path, you will find your way. Head up, shoulders open, spine straight. Today it's another day and I need you 100% to be focused on what's next, there is no time for regrets or depression at this point, there is only focus on improvements. You will see next weekend you will me more aware of these triggers and you will find a better way to avoid them.

You got this man, come on!

anhaedra

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Re: I'll keep digging till I feel something - Reboot Journal
« Reply #74 on: March 27, 2017, 02:53:45 PM »
(DAY # 1)

Thank you all.

To be clear: I was intent on taking drugs that night. Which is okay. But the redose later that night was totally uncalled for and it ruined everything. Which, of course... is the problem with drugs. Once you're high you start making decisions you normally wouldn't. Like, fuck it... one more dose... Thinking about stopping my drug use, but... it can be so much fun. So many parties I already bought tickets for... so many drugs I already paid for... so many friends expecting me to take them... We'll see.

Today at work was... horrible. I know it's a combination of drug use, skipping a night's sleep, and edging / masturbating. But I'm pretty sure it was mostly the edging. Because I've taken drugs before, skipped nights before... It didn't bring me down like this. And I've had horrible days like this before... specifically before I started rebooting. So yeah... pretty obvious. This horrible brain fog again... like when the smallest hiccup in your work feels like a major blow, feeling like you can't go on... It all came back to me today. I just couldn't focus my mind on anything that required the smallest amount of willpower. Like, my job. This spells hypofrontality.

On the positive side, all it took was a good workout session to lift my spirits. Man, I can't stress it enough - work out! Use weights. Compound exercises, today I did squat, deadlift, and bench press. Testosterone and dopamine surges guaranteed.

What more can I say? I guess this is part of the deal. Relapsing. Was starting to wonder if I even needed to reboot. Now I know. Just remembering the pain I felt today... how I wasted my entire Sunday... all the stupid choices I made in careless succession... how Saturday night was great, for like an hour, until the first dose started to wear off and I crashed horribly... how on second ejaculation my balls hurt from all the edging... how my sleep is totally disturbed recently again...

Now I know. I have to keep rebooting. Every time I'm in doubt, over smoking, masturbating, drug taking, whatever -- I'll picture myself an hour later, a day later, a week later. Try to imagine how it'll feel... compared to how good you're feeling now. Think long-term, man. Grow the fuck up.
« Last Edit: March 27, 2017, 03:22:46 PM by anhaedra »
Prying open my third eye.