I'll keep digging till I feel something - Reboot Journal

anhaedra

Active Member
(I started this a few days ago at another forum, but this place is more appropriate and much busier.)

AGE: 33
FROM: Netherlands
USING SINCE: At least half my life, probably longer
REBOOTING SINCE: 13 February 2017 (officially -- watched very little porn since start of the month)
ATTEMPT #: 1
REBOOT MODE: No porn, no masturbation (currently)
MARRIED: No -- but dating every so often :)

So today I chose to eradicate porn from my life. Let me tell you my story and then I'll start logging my progress here.

FIRST STEPS
My first memory of enjoying myself is me being around 12 years old, sitting on the toilet at home. There used to be this little book with jokes to pass the time. I found myself spending increasing amounts of time there. Because some of these jokes were accompanied by "funny" cartoons of naked women. I didn't find them funny, just arousing like crazy. I would spend lots of time just playing with myself without cumming (didn't know what cumming was I guess).

PORN DISTRIBUTOR
These were the days of old, slow internet. Downloading a picture would sometimes take minutes. Erotic clip? Around an hour. Yet somehow, at age 15 approximately, I managed to set up a porn collection of vast amounts. I even burned CDs, gave them out to friends so they could get addicted to porn, too. ;)

FIRST GIRL
I got my first serious girl when I was 16. We had a healthy sex life at first, although I sometimes had trouble ejaculating. Later on it deteriorated, after I simply got bored with her sexually. She found out I had some porn on my computer, I passed it off as an innocent activity, something all boys do. But she was hurt, obviously.

THE HUMAN CONDITION
I think I already noticed here how sexual fantasy, be it porn or just your mind's creations, can never be matched by real, actual sex. She was attractive and willing, but she just couldn't satisfy me if all she was doing was the very same thing over and over again. I developed a resentment for run-of-the-mill, everyday sex. It just didn't cut it for me. I starting experiencing dread. This terrible feeling of "having to have sex" with your girl because it's been a while and you're together tonight. I can't stand it. I want sex to be spontaneous, engulf me like a rush of chemicals and turn me into a beast. I never want to anticipate sex. I want sex to take me by surprise. And be different each and every time. Anything else just isn't stimulating enough.

THE DARK DAYS
Then I got into a serious relationship that lasted as long as 10 years. From age 21-31 I was with the same girl. Our sex life sucked. Always had. First of all, she wasn't "dirty" enough for me and she grew fatter over time (but notice how objectifying I am toward women). But secondly, I simply enjoyed watching porn much more in those 10 years than I enjoyed her. In hindsight, it's simply incredible how often I masturbated to porn and how little I screwed her. It's really baffling. How this could go on for so long. But I was thinking -- it's not like the (porn) movies. Every couple's sex life sucks. It's just the way it is. Reality sucks.

PERFORMANCE
Let me just say that even in these dark days I never experienced erectile dysfunction. In my teens and 20s, I might've been a very potent guy, I now suspect. I could get 100% erections in a matter of seconds just thinking about something. Often jerked off at school or other public places. Even while being piss-drunk my erections were solid, something girls often found special, to my amazement and amusement. I also had loads of precum, from the moment I felt aroused my knob would be wet as hell, which made masturbation just very good.

BEING THIRTY-SOMETHING
This has changed recently. I'm 33 now, and I'm starting to suffer from erectile dysfunction and performance anxiety. I lead a very healthy life. I don't smoke, seldom drink, exercise vigorously every other day, and use a strict diet. I feel very fit and it shows. The only thing lacking is strong, vigorous erections like before. Last year I had a girl who was just crazy, sexually speaking. She could genuinely arouse me, she was like a porn girl. So even amidst my still continuous masturbating to porn, I would have great, fantastic sex with her. But I noticed my erections would last shorter, and sometimes I couldn't cum when being with her. I attributed it to age.

RECENT EVENTS
Some months ago I was on a date and about to have sex. But I couldn't get it up. I didn't understand it. What was happening? I told myself I didn't find her that attractive (which was true btw), but I knew that wasn't the real cause. Something was wrong with my virility. Last Friday I had another date with a woman that's simply the most physically attractive woman I've ever shared a bed with. 100% my type of girl. AND I COULDN'T GET IT UP.

That's why I'm here. Not sure how, but this morning I started reading about porn addiction, scientific articles on how it just messes up your nervous system if you watch it like I did for almost my entire life. This has to stop. I know I'm blessed with good self-discipline -- I never miss a single workout or neglect my diet. I quit smoking several times and it didn't hurt me. But now begins the hardest challenge... getting back my old libido. I just know it has to do with years of conditioning to porn.

Not even the most beautiful, sexy women can arouse me as much as I can arouse myself while watching porn. It's only during long edging sessions to very specific porn material that my erections are as good as they once were. Everything else is not good enough.

"Something has to change
Undeniable dilemma
Boredom's not a burden
Anyone should bear
Constant over stimulation numbs me
But I would not want you any other way

It's not enough
I need more
Nothing seems to satisfy
I said
I don't want it
I just need it
To breathe, to feel, to know I'm alive

[...]

Something kinda sad about
The way that things have come to be
Desensitized to everything
What became of subtlety?

How can it mean anything to me
If I really don't feel anything at all?

I'll keep digging
Till I feel something"


(Stinkfist by Tool)
 

anhaedra

Active Member
Just reading similar stories almost makes me weep. This realization, there's been hurt within me that I'm only now becoming aware of. The idea of having sex with a woman without being preoccupied, or afraid, or disappointed... it must materialize. :)

The past 2 weeks I watched very, very little porn. The prospect of my gorgeous date had me edging the entire week, sometimes to porn, but mostly just to fantasies of her or nothing in particular. I also took zinc and arginine supplements because I believe it might make me hornier / harder. On this 1st date we didn't have sex, but of course I felt very much aroused. Afterwards I masturbated to fantasies and was kind of disappointed my orgasm wasn't as intense as I expected from a week's edging.

Then the prospect of our 2nd date somehow had me abstain from masturbation the entire following week. Not sure why exactly. Almost like I wanted to "save" myself for her. The idea of watching porn made me feel dirty when thinking of her. So then we had sex on our second date and I couldn't get it up. We gave it another try in the morning and things went a little better. But the whole night just made me feel so "small"... I was feeling really comfortable with her UNTIL we started having sex. She was so utterly relaxed and she simply overwhelmed me with her raw sexual power, I just couldn't match her, I couldn't relax myself or feel genuinely aroused.

But I do think the story above is a sign of me really wanting to change. And having the right mindset to start treating sex, women and myself differently from now on. With more respect.

And maybe I'm already experiencing the "flatline" phenomenon, feels like my libido is really, really low since I last watched porn. Erections are harder to get even when I'm alone, and I'm simply not thinking about sex all that much.
 

anhaedra

Active Member
DAY # 2

Like I said, the prospect of dating this girl made me watch very little porn over the past 2 weeks, although "officially" my streak started yesterday. Yet my libido has been incredibly low for several days now. The only erections I'm having are nocturnal or morning wood and not even 100%.

Starting today, I've decided to not masturbate at all, because even though using fantasies of actual women is much better than porn, it's still pretty much the same deal. It's still conditioning yourself to something that's not actual sex but your own mind. However, I remember, from very long ago, that one can be so horny it's simply enough to masturbate to physical sensation alone. Me experiencing this again, I think, would be a good sign of recovery, as well as your body telling you it's time to blow off some steam. I don't think it's healthy, or beneficial to recovery, to remain completely asexual in light of these circumstances should they arise.

But that's still far ahead of me.

My date hasn't been very responsive since our last encounter. Of course, this could make me feel miserable, insecure, and it does to some extent. But I'm just grateful she's been my wakeup call, if not anything else. Right now she just wants to take it slow but it kind of feels like rejection... sexual or not, I don't know. It hurts yet motivates me.

Opening secret mode on my browser and NOT entering a porn webpage... incredible how strong that habit is.

It's not difficult for me, though, because my saving grace here could be that I'm not addicted to porn anymore. That's not why I'm here. It's grown stale on me. As has pretty much any kind of sex. This might change later on... but like I said, I feel so asexual now it's all very easy. I do try to focus what little libido I have left on real women, and I mean just a passing glance from a colleague or something like that. It does trigger something down there, I notice.

Another thing to note is that my porn tastes never escalated into the extreme. They became specific, very specific. Like, very specifically amateur clips. Or very specific nude (non-porn) pictures. Or these clips that focus on women's faces while they're stimulating themselves, without even showing their bodies. This was the kind of stuff I was into recently. Like my mind already telling me to get real again.

Alright, till next time.
 

anhaedra

Active Member
DAY # 3

No problems today. Not feeling anything sexual... well, I had one semi-boner at work, when I almost fell asleep listening to a colleague. I'll tally this under "nocturnal erection"...

This morning I did notice I didn't have to run to the toilet when I got up. The past few months... felt like my bladder was about to explode each morning. Now I just got up, leaked as much as usual yet without that superurge.

I read somewhere this is a sign of recovery... improved bladder function. But maybe I'm overly optimistic.
 

anhaedra

Active Member
DAY # 4

It remains incredible how asexual I feel. How before, I would sit down and masturbate to porn as if felt aroused, but I now realize I wasn't aroused, not really. The days of me being genuinely excited by porn have been rare the past few years. As for actual sex with women... only on those special occasions. Outdoor sex and the like.

I'm not ashamed of my porn addiction... almost feel like a victim. But I do feel... resentment over only seeing the light now that I'm 33.

At work, I try to focus on eye contact with women. It does trigger something, but it always has. I think recently, past 2 months or so, I've already started to open up. And in these 2 months I kept wondering -- why am I not watching porn daily anymore? Coincidence?

My date told me we were going too fast, so I didn't text her the past few days. She told me she wanted to see me again, though. But I'm constantly tormented by insecurity right now. Is she honest with me? If she were sick of me she could just tell me. Serves no purpose leaving me dangling. But it just FEELS like one giant, cold rejection. And I can't disconnect this feeling from my ED during our last date. She's so lustful... I knew it the moment I saw her. I must've disappointed her sexually... a woman like her. But how come she doesn't want to even give me a 2nd chance, so it seems? I know from many people ED and performance anxiety is common during "first encounters"... most girls are totally okay with that.

I must text her this weekend so she can tell me what's what. I can't stand this uncertainty, it's not beneficial to my reboot either.
 

anhaedra

Active Member
I was reading this: http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/forum/threads/my-thoughts-on-rebooting-extremely-long-post.15558/#post-272668 - and I'm going to do what the guy says. :D Very inspiring stuff.

"Step #1: Write a life vision for yourself"
In six months' time, I want to (in no particular order):
- Land a permanent contract at my company (as promised)
- Be IN LOVE with someone
- Put on muscle again after months of cutting fat recently
- Make further steps in becoming who I really am, in no longer giving a shit about what other people think of me
- Be a whole lot less sensitive to rejection
- Be less objectifying toward women (without losing my wonderful dirty mind tho, lol)
- Have real composure between the sheets
- Be no longer a novice at meditation
- Have more energy, be less sleepy during the day
- Use my creative talents, make music, write more, write that novel
- And of course have replaced porn with actual sex free of ED, DE or PA

Funny thing is that most of the above is already happening to various extents. I didn't come here because porn leaves me ruined, I came here because I was already experiencing these changes SINCE I LOST MY INTEREST IN PORN. Still fapping regularly, but just not as much as before. Can't be a coincidence.

I want to be this muscled yet lean guy... eating well... sleeping well... being just a little different... and respecting his spirituality. I've never been into meditation before but I want to be. I need to find some inner peace. FOR FUCK'S SAKE!!! ;)

This date treating me like shit now for performing poorly in bed, I don't deserve this shit. But I do NEED this shit. I needed this to happen. To wake me up. I'm a convinced atheist, however, I like to entertain the idea a god exists, for the hell of it, and this god is putting people on my path to teach me things. And fuck, am I learning right now.

I want a healthy spirit in a fit body. Such that they become one. I've always been very psychosomatic... little aches and stuff, having psychological causes, you know? It's because of this disconnect between my body and mind.

I will be reborn.
 

anhaedra

Active Member
DAY # 5

I'm starting to notice certain things... that I'm familiar with. It's not like I've never stopped masturbating for five days before. There's this pressure in my groin area. My penis is a little wet, not sure if precum or urine leakage. When I go to bed I'm a little restless... as if some need hasn't been met. But I'm not horny. Still no genuine boners or arousal here. Morning wood is present every morning. I don't think it was before this week.

Of course, I've been reading up a lot on porn addiction and its recovery recently. So maybe I'm just fooling myself. But this week has been a very good week at work. I had more energy and confidence. More fun chatting with coworkers. Today in the supermarket, I was humming a tune loud enough for others to hear. Before I'd always keep it to myself, you know? I was watching these girls at close range, I mean their eyes, and didn't feel the urge to quickly look away when they noticed me.

There's this special kind of feeling... when you're just enjoying the moment. You're with fun people, and you get goosebumps. For me, this is very special because it seldom occurs. This week I felt it a few times //at work//. Just enjoying the company of my colleagues, enjoying that they seem to like me and accept me as a person.

I'm meditating daily now, might contribute as well. I asked my date to be clear with me. She just texted me back. But I'm still so relaxed from meditating I can't be bothered to read her messages just yet.

I still don't want to believe that rebooting will grant me all the wonderful benefits people are reporting here... for fear of disappointment. And I'm afraid my motivation will be waning once the novelty and pride of rebooting wears off... But until now it's doing wonderful things for me. Whatever the real cause.
 

anhaedra

Active Member
DAY # 6
Quick update.

Saw my personal trainer this morning, who is hot. Especially lying on a fitness bench and such. First sexual arousal this week, I think. Nothing special. But good to know I'm still human.

I'll be going out tonight, will be taking stimulants. This often leaves me pretty horny when I get home, when the effects start to wear off. I just stay in and do nothing in particular. Often I can't sleep yet. Usually speaking, perfect fapping condition. Drugs stimulate your libido, too, but restrict your circulation. So you can't get it up. But once you start to sober up, blood flows to your penis again and these are best erections for some reason...

Lol, wish me luck...
 

TiramiSu

Well-Known Member
Performance anxiety stops if you get more experienced...so it does not matter if you do not get it up once...
 

ajcoals

Active Member
Keep up the good work man.  It's a hard fight, but a good one, and you'l begin to see great progress in the days to come. Don't give up!

If you need an accountability parter, PM me!
 

anhaedra

Active Member
FAILURE - RESETTING COUNTER - though not entirely sad about it

First of all, thanks for your replies!

Second, I failed this morning. But please read on.

Yesterday I got home from partying, still intoxicated, but didn't feel that usual urge to fap. Good for me. But today I'm having a day off and while sleeping in this morning I kept thinking about my recent date and another girl I'll be meeting next weekend (it's getting complicated... more on that later). But no sexual fantasies. Just the idea of meeting them. And finally I felt some real libido since 2 weeks or so.

And so I wanted to test myself. Let's try and get an erection without porn and without touching myself. And I did it several times. Last time I tried to masturbate without porn but WITH physical stimulation, it took me ages to get a full erection. So this felt really great! To get a full erection on "willpower" alone. But of course, it's a slippery slope... Here's what happened next.

For almost as long as I can recall, my ejaculations have been of the "dribbling" kind, which I find disappointing. It just looks as if you're not excited, not really. But this morning I noticed my erection was really strong, and because I did it without using my hands, I was really employing my PC muscles (target of Kegel exercises). I've tried Kegels before, but it didn't work or I couldn't locate the muscles properly. But now my penis was jumping around, making forceful contractions. Like I had suddenly learned how to use those muscles. Or maybe it was just that abstaining from porn and masturbation had worked miracles for my libido.

This got me so excited it only took a few... masturbatory movements... to make me cum. And for the first time in my life... or at least since my early teens (since I started fapping to porn)... it shot over my entire chest and landed on my shoulder. Dafuq...

So I failed. But I'm now so utterly convinced that abstaining from porn and compulsive masturbation improves your sexual health BIG TIME... that I'm not even sad about it. I will reboot, resetting my counter tomorrow, of course... and I will keep training my PC muscles. But I have to keep myself from actually touching my penis during these exercises.

Then again, I did not masturbate or ejaculate to porn... not even porn fantasies... not even sexual fantasies that much. Just the idea of meeting these women and making out with them was enough to get me 100% hard, and then purely physical sensations and arousal took over.

Peace.
 

anhaedra

Active Member
DAY # 1

My date bailed on me... this is making me very sad. Although we'd only seen each other twice, this was a very good opportunity for me. There was at least a decent chance of getting serious. I actually felt something for her, god knows how long it will take now for that to happen again. I do have a date this weekend with another girl, but can't say I feel entirely motivated. I just wanted to see... her... My first date, that is.

I don't think my PIED is to blame here, although it might have ruined my chances of becoming fuck buddies. Basically she wasn't looking for anything serious per se, and she didn't feel enough for me to change that perspective. "It's me, not you" - that kind of shit. I think she's being honest with me, though. And if I'm totally honest with myself, I was more blown away by her looks and general attitude than her personality.

Back on topic... my libido is higher now, but I wouldn't call it a "chaser". Also, my current sadness is not inducing porn urges. So all is going well here.

I just want this terrible... heartache to go away. Why am I so hung up on a girl after just two dates? Pretty casual dates at that? The sex was great... or could've been great without PIED. I can't stand looking at her pictures, such a waste to have only had her this one night. All the dirty things we could've done...

Plus she was a nice girl to hang out with. :D
 

anhaedra

Active Member
DAY # 2 (NO FAPPING)
DAY #10 (NO PORN)

;)

Yesterday I was devastated by her rejection. Now I don't give a fuck. Well, I'd like to see her again but it doesn't hurt anymore. Proves how little it really meant, I guess. I knew from the start it'd be casual dating, and I was in it myself mostly for the sex. So now I shouldn't feel so wrecked it didn't get serious. Which I don't.

Just trying to see this as a good lesson. As if some god put her on my path to teach me how to grow up for fuck's sake. Start treating my sexuality with some respect. Prettiest woman I've ever been with, now rejecting me perhaps over sexual concerns. Hurts like hell but if it didn't, it wouldn't teach me a lesson and I'd still be stuck here with the dick in my hand. Which I'm not.

That's right.

Nothing much else happening here. No urges, no real boners. Just slightly more libido than last week. Perhaps owing to my fapping on Monday and the prospect of a new date this Sunday.
 

anhaedra

Active Member
DAY # 3 (NO FAPPING)
DAY # 11 (NO PORN)

You know, last week I felt really elevated because of my rebooting and all. Now, I'm getting used to it... And pretty strange to not feel any urges. I've been doing this for all my life and when I stop, it requires no effort at all?

I've had this little fun with myself last Monday... when I felt really excited and horny. Apart from that -- nothing.

Maybe it's passing the 1-week mark of not cumming... let's see. Sunday I'll be dating... maybe Monday will give me trouble again. ;)
 

anhaedra

Active Member
DAY # 0 (NO FAPPING)
DAY # 12 (NO PORN)


Yeah, I failed again. Same as before. Doing Kegels while being hard is NOT recommended. It's just a slippery slope and will lead to masturbation, always.

Tomorrow's date... looking forward to it. Not intent on having sex. Doesn't feel like a sex date, neither would I want to, as I feel pretty sure I can't get it up with a woman yet. Especially since masturbating today...

I need to do this differently. Again, I didn't fail 100% here... no porn or porn fantasies. Just fantasies of real women, fantasies of meeting them, kissing them. That's enough. But if I allow this, it will lead to another thing, and it just doesn't feel right. You cannot grant yourself any leeway, rebooting properly.
 

believe

Active Member
Keep with the good work man!
You are dong great and I totally understand how difficult is to abstain from masturbating.
I find so much easier to abstain from Porn than from masturbating, but hardmode is what we have to do basically!

 

anhaedra

Active Member
DAY # 1 (NO FAPPING)
DAY # 14 (NO PORN)


Thanks, man.

Today's Monday and Monday's always good for doing things differently, starting with a clean slate. In my first week of rebooting, I felt... wonderful. Seemed to feel so much difference in so many areas. Now that's gone. Because I masturbated? Possibly. Placebo effect wearing off? Possibly.

At the same time I'm trying to quit smoking. But every weekend, when I go out or something, I feel like I deserve a cigarette. This is an endless cycle that always leads to more smoking.

I feel like these two challenges, rebooting and quitting smoking, are tied. If I fail at one, might as well fail at the other. I need to turn this around and make it a positive, constructive partnership. :D

I'm pretty depressed right now. Yesterday's date was not nearly as good as my previous date, and so the net result is I'm still thinking about my first date, who was pretty clear in not wanting to see me again, so this really sucks. At the moment I haven't got any clear leads as to how to ever find a woman that I really like, and that really likes me, and find some true love for fuck's sake. Simultaneously, casual dating is not a viable option because it'll probably be months before my porn-induced sexual problems will improve... and that is supposing I don't fail again.

This is all very depressing, obviously. But I need to go through this. I've done it to myself. Buried my head in the sand for so long. I need to prepare for some very dry six months ahead of me. Focus on rebooting, not on meeting women.

Girl I dated yesterday... very pretty face, but fat ass. Moment I saw it I was done with her. Also, nowhere did she appear to be interested in sex. She was just... very decent. It didn't challenge or arouse me at all.

That's how I perceive women in general. I must reboot properly if I want to stand a chance of finding true love.
 

anhaedra

Active Member
Argh... I need to keep writing. It is therapeutic.

I just wonder... what would it be like going without any kind of sex for more than a week? Don't think I've ever done this before. I guess also why I've failed twice around the 1-week mark so far.

I so... want to... feel genuinely horny again. Abstaining for a week? It's doing something for me, but it's not nearly it. I'm just so curious what abstaining for several weeks... several months... would do... This curiosity alone should motivate me. I'm always looking for new kicks in life, and it's getting harder and harder to get by. Let this be a new challenge in life. Something to look forward to.

And I need to write about my date... Let's call her Sliver... as she has this beautiful slender frame... and slim are my chances of meeting her again...

---

We matched on Tinder. She was my first match since reinstalling this devil app. She was all too easy that first night. Said she wanted to meet me, when all we did was exchange a few superficial thoughts. Her pictures were vague... but promising. The vibe was... sexy somehow. Felt like a sex date from the start.

We met a few days later. Coming down the stairs, I saw her waiting outside, looking a little nervous, unaware of my approach. Might've slowed down my pace to enjoy the moment. I fell in love immediately. So lean... And provocatively dressed. That look in her eyes... a look of excitement. A woman that will never, ever bore you.

I felt so at ease. Confident. More than ever before on a first date. I was doing it right, saying the right things, being charming. We had lunch. I felt so confident, because I liked her so much. These simple truths only become clear to me now that I write about it. I was staring at her eyes for seconds on end and didn't even blink. We had so much fun together. Best first date I've ever had.

We were both open and honest. Told each other we liked each other. And would meet again. No fucking mind games here or being coy, finally a girl that's upfront, just like me. I kissed her in front of my house, it just happened, it was effortless. The way she looked at me there... So much wanting. She didn't hold back, her tongue felt so good in my mouth. Stuck it all the way in. I put my hands on her hips, and felt the only fat on her body, but it felt good, very much to my own surprise. It aroused me like crazy. But we would meet again so no need to go all the way, we told each other. Felt like the right thing to do. And it was, actually.

She texted me that night, and the next morning... it was sincere. She was thinking about me, and telling me without embarassment. But over the course of the week, our texting became so... superficial. Like we didn't really connect, while on our date we were rambling without pause. Now I felt like I had to play a part to keep things going.

Anyway, the next weekend, she came over to my place. I told her to stay for the night. She brought her stuff. It was obvious we would have sex. Which had been the plan from the very start, of course. First, we talked for hours again. Effortlessly. No deep conversations, but it was fun. She told me, raking her fingers through my hair... "You seem so tough, but you're sweet... and so sensitive." This moved me so much. Because it's so true. She saw right through me there. She is so cool, so... without pretense. Straightforward. That's what I like about her. That's what sets her apart from other girls. She makes things simple.

Yet kissing her now did require effort. It felt like it had to be done. And so I did it. We kissed on my couch for some time, she was teasing me. Acting as if she wasn't that "easy." She was insecure. Didn't want to undress with the lights on. I think I'd made her insecure. Women always sense I'm very much on the physical level with them.

I noticed this so I took her to my bedroom. She undressed except for her panties. She is the hottest woman I've ever been with. Incredible.

I stimulate her with my hands. She's just so wet. And enjoying it. She raises her body, suddenly, whispers in my ear: "I can do something most women can't. I can squirt when I come." I will never, ever forget this line. She wants to stimulate me. I'm still wearing my boxers. And I know why. Because I feel insecure. Because I feel my dick is limp. And I can't tell why for the fucking love of God.

She wants to use protection. Fair enough. But I'm not nearly hard enough to even try putting on a condom. She tries anyway. I die inside.

She's so relaxed... and kind. Not pressuring me. She tries to get me hard. Like a cat in heat grinding her behind against me, saying the craziest stuff with that special sex voice for the occasion. For lack of another option, I'm using my fingers again. Soon enough she cums, so fast. Incredible. How can you even cum so fast, I ask her. Well, she'd been playing with herself earlier that day. Day off and all.

This whole time I felt like Prince Charming. Now I feel so utterly... small. My composure is gone. Still... she gives me a blowjob. I get kind of hard. She starts deep-throating rightaway. I mean, without delay. Incredible. Just incredible.

It's late. She needs to get up early the next morning. I give her a break. Myself a break. I so enjoy crawling up against her. This woman... staying over. In my bed. I feel so happy. But she is... aloof. Tells me she has trouble cuddling with me. Because she doesn't know me that well. Excuse me? My sheets are still literally soaked from your body fluids and you don't like me holding you now?

I let her sleep. She is nice, and sweet. But there is this distance. I don't sleep well. Wake up in sweat. Which bothers her. But she is so cool with it. Her voice... when I can't sleep and she notices. So comforting. Man, I'd die right now if I could hear that voice again. But truth is I'm facing her back the entire night.

Next morning I get kind of hard. Hard enough, at least. I'm fucking her in several positions. But it's no real fun. My nerves, insecurity, and frustration are bigger than my excitement. I can manage, she's enjoying it. But it's not as good as it should've been. I don't cum. I'm not hard enough and there's not enough time. She needs to go to work.

I'm giving her coffee and all that stuff. She's so kind and so cool. But I know something's amiss.

She's not texting me afterwards. But replies when I text her. This goes on for days. She wants to see me again yet wants to take it slow. I give her some space, but I'm no fool. I know this is fucked. I tell her to be clear with me, and after a horrible week, all she can tell me is that she wasn't looking for anything serious. Not the right time... I didn't do anything wrong... it's not about the sex, she enjoyed it and knew I could do better... but it doesn't matter. I've lost her.

I'm crying the next morning. Several times. I've seen her twice... casual Tinder date. But for me, this obviously is so much more. It is my wakeup call. I need to be punished for what I've done. I need to grow up and start learning from mistakes. I'm not religious... but I like to entertain the idea there is a god putting people on my path to teach me certain things. Angels and daemons. This girl... is a godsend. In so many ways. A little devil maybe, but that's just how I like them. My only option of redemption... of meeting a woman like her again... is taking this like a man and start acting like one.


REBOOT!
 

anhaedra

Active Member
DAY # 2 (NO FAPPING)
DAY # 16 (NO PORN)


I feel terrible this week. I have a cough... feel sick sometimes. I intensified my workout regime... everything hurts now. I'm tired. In the past, I overtrained myself, which led to these symptoms. Lots of brain fog. Loss of libido, too. Also, a year ago I caught mono and sometimes I feel like it reawakens whenever I'm overtaxing myself, physically or mentally.

Right now I just don't know what's causing what. How my porn addiction has been hurting me all those years... or what might have had other causes. How my first week of rebooting felt so good... but why exactly? It's so unclear... founded on hope more than anything else. I'm taking drugs sometimes when going out... might factor into it, too. But I can't stop doing EVERYTHING.

I just need to keep rebooting to find out for sure, it's the only way. And keep my workouts in check... finish this week and if I keep feeling like shit then go back to my old workout.
 
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