HOCD for almost 5 years

I've been dealing with Hocd for almost 5 years now. It first hit me when I was 14, and in high school. The first thing that made me question my sexuality was noticing that a found a guy good looking. At the time this scared me and i thought maybe I gay or bisexual, and I just went with that thought. Although I was still attracted to women, it made me depressed and caused a lot of anxiety. During my senior years of high school I sorta ignored the thought, and kept living my life and It only bothered me occasionally.

Several months after high school I was watching porn. Then the thought of gay porn popped in my head. I became somewhat excited, and climaxed pretty quickly. It didn't really feel the same as arousal, im not sure if it was just curiosity or the thought of watching something new. Since then my Hocd has been rampant, I constantly check to see if Im gay. Ill look at pictures of men to see if I get a boner, and I never do but my penis does seem to react and move around, but it never really becomes erect. Every time i see a guy on tv in person, I think of sexual thoughts to see if im attracted to him. These thoughts scare me and make me uncomfortable (mentally and physically), but it is sometimes hard to read my thoughts and thats what scares me. I sometimes feel like it is arousal, but its not the same way i feel when being aroused by women. Im still attracted to women, and I only ever masturbated to straight porn and pictures of women. These thoughts about men confuse me, and I dont enjoy the thoughts but sometimes I over analyze them, and then I go off the rail in my own mind. I feel really uncomfortable around most guys, and I get worried if I have sex with a man or look at gay porn ill enjoy it. I also have had some gay dreams, and sometimes I wake up with a boner, sometimes not erect, but these dreams only occur when Im really stressed over Hocd, and I do not enjoy them or feel aroused. I know I dont want to do anything gay, but the thoughts just scare me.

I've also started trying Nofap (not to successful yet), but my Hocd didnt start with Porn, although I think Porn made it worse. I can use all the help I can get. This has been a horrible experience for me and sometimes I feel like its not worth the effort, but I keep on going because I still want to enjoy my life.

Thank you!

I have hocd also. Try acceptance and commitment therapy exercises (search them in google) combine with mindfulness approach and u will be cured and recovered.

did you ever felt anxious, scared or worried about your attraction to women?? of course not, because you are straight. you are afraid, anxious and uncomfortable with gay stuff for half a decade because you are straight. thats actually the proof that you are straight. there is no gay man who is anxious, afraid or worried about his arousal towards other men. they can only be uncomfortable about being accepted in the society as gay.

you said your HOCD did not started with porn so you are saying that you started to use porn only in high school and not before that?

You feel instinctively that you're not gay, so you're not gay.

I developed HOCD and it's due to porn. It's not possible for a guy who had been straight for more that 45 years of his life to suddenly become a homosexual. It's all due to desensitisation and escalation.

I believe that your HOCD will disappear if you quit porn. I have to warn you though that I still have occasional HOCD fantasies and I'm 9 months into my reboot with no relapses. I'm not worried because I know they are due to the way my porn use escalated. I've read several times that a high percentage of men fantasise about sex with other men. I know that this fantasy sometimes entered my head when I was young. It doesn't mean you're gay. Men do not turn me on. Women do and always have done. So don't worry about the occasional homosexual thought. In my case I think it's about humiliation, which is an odd fantasy I've had since puberty. I've never acted out and humiliation in my sex life. It's just something in my head. Just like homosexual thoughts enter my fantasies, I have no desire to try them out.

Some guys do escalate to sex with other men because of porn use. I've read several stories on other forums about this. They know they aren't gay but the only way they can get their dopamine hit is to try something shocking.

Just avoid all porn, and especially gay porn and things should rebalance themselves. Don't worry about it. You know yourself that you're not gay. It's very important to quit watching porn though. Very, very important! Good luck!

I feel everything you wrote man. It's been my story too. I think the closer I got to the possibility of trying sex again with a woman the HOCD got worse. It was like, 'where do I go from here if I fail again'? I was 8 months strong before a relapse recently. I cant stop staring at girls' asses and fantasizing to my heart's content ( so to speak I guess) and then,like you, I tense tf up around handsome guys or if my gaydar goes off, gay guys. Its just this crazy dynamic.