Attraction to active shemales

Hello !

I'm 33. I've a chronic depression all of my life and hormonal problems.
I'm not an alpha male, but I believe that I must be a leader, strong, successful, assertive.
I hate feminism, gynocentrism, matriarchy, gay and trans propaganda.
I discovered shemale porn in 2004 when I was 18. I watched videos with shemales in receptive role. But I also fantasized that I suck shemale's cock and take it in my ass. Never wanted to have sex with men. My taste in porn didn't escalate much at that time. I watched both straight and shemale porn.
After 2012 I found porn with active shemales which fuck men. From time to time this kind of porn was the most interesting for me. Sometimes I felt disgusted by it and lost interest in it, realize that I'm a real man and that its not manly at all. After this my interest for straight porn is back for some time. But last years my interest in active shemales is significally increased. Also I became interested in sissy porn. I wanted to date active black shemale with big black cock. I thought that I'm a weak male so I'll better submit to dominant shemale and she'll treat me like a girl. I can't attract females as a male so I'll be a slut for shemales. My favourite shemales are from Brazil. I heard that last years the number of active shemales there increased. Also black shemales live there. The problem is that I don?t know Spanish and I failed to find them online (not prostitutes).
Recently I found only 1 active shemale which looks feminine in real life and not prostitute. Others look like a men (at least because they don?t take hormones). Most shemales are passive and have no interest in fucking men. We had a great chat. I was very horny of her. She looks feminine but doesn?t take hormones and has no breast. I seriously thought to fly to South-East Asia to spend vacation with her and to be fucked. This is a FIRST person I felt desired by. I LOVED the feeling that she wants to fuck me hard.
Being horny I wanted to learn to do blow jobs and satisfy shemales. Psychologically I desired receptive anal sex. I tried fingering my ass, but I feel no pleasure from it at all. Also I realize that my ass is disgusting and not a sex organ. Anal sex is non-traditional, unhealthy. Maybe I excited by sex with active shemale because of dopamine rush caused by humiliation, emasculation, domination over me and curiosity (what it feels like to be a girl). I'm afraid to date active shemale because this kind of sex looks beautiful on the screen, but it may be very weird in real life. When I look any kind of porn where a girl or shemale is being fucked I always imagine myself on her side.
I'm afraid of dating active shemale because I'll shame myself after this. I'll hide it from my future girlfriends and kids. What if I'll be tested with polygraph about it? What if there'll be device (brain scanner) in the future that may expose me. How will I live with this in my mind ? If she fucked me, this fact will be in my mind forever !! What If I lived with shemale I would never be with women anymore ? Feeling desired is so great !
At this moment I'm not interested in women and don't want to use my cock at all. Can I get aroused by pussy again and get interest in penetrating women back ? And how to stop my perverted mind ?

Also Its interesting for me to hear similar stories

Welcome.

This wasn't my specific porn enemy, but it has been for many. 

Porn addiction and escalation often has much to do with what we find scandalous, intriguing, frustrating, damaging, sensitive, or anything else.  Dopamine rushes aren't necessarily about pleasure... just anticipation.  We can get dopamine rushes from fear, dread and anxiety.

I think you know this, at least intuitively, since you prefaced your story talking about your strong distastes for various feminist philosophies, and a concern with alpha-ness and masculine qualities.  Do these things bug you because you've been dealing with this for the past 15 years, or did you get your addiction from having those fixations, and this was a big way to fixate?  I don't know the answer to this, and you might not, either.  It does seem to me to be manufactured by porn, if for no other reason than when you have tried to realize these fantasies in real life they suddenly don't seem right.  It works better as pixels and fantasies for you, and it isn't the real you.  Since it isn't the real you, you need to quit porn.  Quit porn, and the real you will come back.  It doesn't seem possible now, but it is.

I am going to go out on a limb and suggest that as you quit porn, there may be other things you need to quit regarding your fixations.  Maybe you end up reading a bunch of hyper-active feminists on twitter and it gets you into a rage, and that could be a trigger for you.  I sense a lot of frustration on gender in your tone, and frankly there is a lot be frustrated about... but, it is up to us how much we let it frustrate us.  That is a curse of social media - no shortage of stupid people to make us angry!

I agree with what DoneAtLast posted. And I'll add that you sound like you're in a state of sexual mania/obsession. I have no doubt that you are still actively using porn when I read your words. So before you worry about these life-altering decisions regarding your life, relationships and your geography, the first thing you need to do is get off porn. Do it in any way you can. Block your devices, get rid of your devices. Any way you can stay away from porn. I think you are experiencing obsessive compulsive symptoms around sex, and your fetishes in particular. So first you need to de-escalate this obsession in your brain. Get rid of the porn and focus on other areas in your life. I know this is easier said than done - with your depression problem, you are no doubt medicating yourself with porn and sexual thinking. But this problem is also fuelling your depression. So you are going to have to detox from hypersexuality in order to work out where you stand on your sexuality and your level of depression. I think you will need some psychological support to do this - so do seek that out. You need to make sure you're not alone in dealing with this. Use this forum as a supportive resource too - but most of all, start making changes! The way you're living is not compatible with well-being. It's time to make some changes.

first off, you are using too many triggering words in a public post. you should keep explicit details for someone who wants to chat with you privately about this.

you are going to have to detox from hypersexuality in order to work out where you stand on your sexuality and your level of depression

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i agree with this. im sure porn is affecting your thinking for the most part so its really impossible to solve your problems without quitting porn and waiting for at least a year or two before making those life altering changes. sounds like you are terrified of your "new" sexual orientation. also it sounds like you really want to be aroused by regular women again. that should tell you something about where you truly stand but you wont feel it until you quit porn addiction. 15 years is a long time so recovery will be relatively very quick (1-2 years)... but we all want everything now, so be patient with the process.