Brain Fog - NO MORE!!!

Rikkoman

Member
I have finally decided to quit porn. So, I'm sure this isn't the first time you have heard this line. I have quit porn many, many times in the past. I'm 44 years old. Will turn 45 next month. I discovered porn when I was 9 years old, found stash of mags from my dad, then eventually mags and erotica from my older brother. Ever since then my eyes honed in on porn. I would watch VHS porn, and when DVD came around I thought I was in heaven. I also discovered I was gay in junior high. I did try to date girls, but my crushes always ended up with boys. So I eventually accepted my homosexuality in my teens. Porn has always been in my life. Gay men are bombarded with  scantly clad men all their lives. Be it in the bars, clubs and home through the form of 'art'. Anyway, Naked men have always been in my line of sight. Early nineties I discovered online porn, but dial up really sucked, so I stuck with my stacks of porn mags, and DVDs, and reviewed them every other weekend. I met my husband (we actually got married last Nov.) in 1994. We have been together for quite some time. He had a very bad alcohol addiction. This would cause tremendous grief in our relationship. He beat this addiction in 2006 and has been sober then.

Well lets speed up to 2006. HI-SPEED INTERNET came along. Now I could see porn whenever I wanted, provided I was near a computer with an internet connection. By this time, I was watching porn on a weekly basis. I started watching it late at night on weekends when my boyfriend would fall asleep. I then added drinking, while I watched (I didn't want to drink in front of my sober boyfriend). So years go by, I watch more porn. I become familiar with many sites and even join some pay sites. I'm familiar with all the hotties online. Then the Smartphone came along. By this time I was already getting remarks by my boyfriend that I was online watching porn way too much. This lead to arguments, and I would justify that I was at least not screwing around with 'real' guys. I became very hostile when he would interrupt my 'sessions'. After all there is no such thing as Porn addiction. Sometimes I would call in sick from work so I could have a whole day to my self with my online porn while he was at work.

Speed up to present day. I watch porn every day, all the time. When I get up in the morning I reach for my Smartphone to check if there are any new hotties updated on my favorite porn sites. I would turn on my computer and watch vids I downloaded, while getting ready for work. As soon as I got to work I had two or three 'sessions' in the bathroom with my Smartpone. Got home from work, and worked out while I went online searching for new stuff. I told my boyfriend that it was 'gymspiration'. I have a complex about my body. I'm not huge or small, maybe husky with a small dick. I lust over these gorgeous guys online. I discover TUMBLR and see tons and tons of beautiful guys. Ordinary Joes, become my latest obssession. I start to compare myself with these guys online and develop a complex about my 'imperfect' body.  I desire, desire, desire to be like them. If only I could. Anyway, this got worse. I discovered porn sites that streamed videos. I watched a lot more porn. My favorite porn was straight, gangbang, multi-guy, etc. I am a 100% gay man who has never been with a woman. A new novelty I discovered were gay guys having sex with women online. So I started to wonder what it was like to have sex with a woman. Straight guys have HOCD. I think I have it too, but my H is for Heterosexual not Homosexual. I like women, but I've never been oriented towards them sexually. The kind of sex I wanted to have with women was what I was seeing online, in a gangbang with other guys and one girl, demoralizing them, and well you get the picture......

So I continued telling myself I did not have a problem. I continued with this crazy journey for the past 8 years. Doing exactly what I mentioned above. My boyfriend (now husband) never bothered me with it anymore. I guess he just got tired of arguing with me. He knew he would not win. We're both Nurses, so he now he has a night shift job. Great I thought I can PMO all fucken night! I was more excited about the fact that he was going to be gone for 12 hours at night, than I was for him working. How fucked up is that?    I work M-F, I'm a health coach and I help patients develop their self-management skills. Yeah! What a flip of a coin right?

So, I continue this porn thing, which in my mind, I figured I'm not hurting anybody. I'm at my own home PMOing, what's wrong with that? I don't have this PIED that the majority of guys are complaining about. Well, this is where I figured it out. For the past couple of years I have been having difficulty with my conversations. My recall is all jacked up. I have a hard time coming up with the "right" word. I end up running a long ass sentence around and around because I can't come up with the words to express my point. I noticed it when I am trying to motivate my patients to make lifestyle changes and I literally have a loss for words. Just last week, I excused myself from the exam room and pretended I got a coughing fit, because I totally could not explain a disease process, which I'm very well educated in. Now I know my shit. I'm really good at it. I'm the guy at the party who has that quick comeback, remark, you name it. I can whip out a statement, mostly original and I am known for that. ------- Not anymore, what is wrong with me, I thought? Could it be that I'm getting older, a tumor, wtf?

So after a night of PMOing, you know after that guilt feeling, that slight moment when you think you might have a problem. I started going through my Flipboard on my phone and came across Addiction. Porn Addiction came up. I found a cache of websites....leading me here. I read about how porn can really get you addicted and change your brain. That was my answer. I view porn 7 days a week at least 6 hours a day......I have turned my brain to mush. I went on a business trip last week, to a city I never been to. My co-workers would want me to meet them after the conferences so we can go out for dinner and explore the town. I quickly made up excuses to go to my Smartphone back at my hotel to PMO. WTF.....what am I doing????? On Friday I looked up those websites again, and I admitted to myself that I have a serious problem. So Saturday I made a promise to myself and decided to stop PMO. I haven't shared this with my husband. At least not yet. Accountability is important. But let me take it step by step. He probably still thinks I'm PMOing while I'm writing here, but tonight he's at work. During my research on this and other sites I read posts that advised to get rid of all your stash. Well.....I did move my laptop out of the bedroom. My Smartphone stays in the kitchen at night. I convinced myself that I could refrain from my porn saved on flash-drives, and my laptop. After all, they were years of collected treasures. Hold on, I do have a problem. So on Monday night when my husband was at work, I deleted all my porn videos, and pictures from my laptop(s). I just clicked delete. I then grabbed my flash-drives got a hammer smashed them up into pieces, I couldn't believe what I was doing, I was in a daze, but I did it. I then took my dogs out for a walk and dumped the pieces in the trash.

Now, here's something interesting I stood up all night (well most of the night) on Tuesday watching "police brutality/harassment" videos on You Tube. Just clicking video after video. OMG......my brain tricked me into getting it's dopamine rush with a substitute. Now it wasn't of a sexual nature, but I was "clicking and clicking" looking for that shocking image that surged my adrenaline along with my dopamine. WTF. I'm addicted to the fucking internet! So today, I raised my Filters, and I looked at my counter on my Smartphone. It's just been 4 days PMO free. I've got a lot of research to do. So I won't accidentally fall into a trap by my brain. I need to re-wire my brain so I can be BRAIN FOG FREE. That is my goal. I want that guy back, the one who could recall research articles in a heartbeat to provide to my patients, the guy who can have a great conversation without having that blank stare, reaching for the words that are beyond my mental grasp.

I mentioned that I will be 45 next month. I have wasted 20 good years on PORN. And I fucking hate that. I want clarity in my mind again, I want to listen to music, write, be more involved socially. Be the husband that my man deserves. These are a few of the reasons which are quite valuable to me. Hell of a lot more valuable than PORN. PORN is waste. It turned my brain into MUSH. The best inspiration I have received from this site and Yourbrainonporn.com is that "THE BRAIN FOG - WILL GO AWAY" But I'm 4 days in, and I'm am fucking scared that I will relapse. I want to be sober from PORN so bad. I really want clarity. I want to be free from this fucking demon. So I will treat every day like it's the first day I quit porn. And I look forward to seeing the green line on my counter to reach 90 days.

The only thing I would like to see is more gay men on this site. Not that I mind talking with straight guys, but like I mentioned before. It is so hard to be gay in this society. Male Physique is practically glamorized and shoved in your face every where you go. That is why I fear a Relapse. Anyway, If you stuck around to this last line, I appreciate you reading my first Journal entry.
 

jstock

Active Member
Rikko, good job. Your story sounds almost identical  to mine. I would plan my day around  porn. I'm married,  with 2 kids. I've tried to quit  porn a few times, buy I always seemed to get sucked back into it. I was off porn, but I was on YouTube watching  lions attack zebras, and stuff like that. Then all of a sudden I'm just PEEKING at my porn site, then BAM, I've got 4 or 5 windows open and I'm looking  for the perfect  video, ( that will make my life complete). I'm making a good hard try this time.
A few months ago I made it to 98 days pmo free
I was so proud,  my thinking was clear, I felt so good. Then one night I made a mistake, and I'm having a tough time stopping. I'll  do it this time. My advice  to you, is keep your mind busy. Try not to be alone, for a while. Be careful  your brain can be very tricky. Good luck brother
 

Kurall_Creator

Active Member
Rikkoman said:
I mentioned that I will be 45 next month. I have wasted 20 good years on PORN. And I fucking hate that. I want clarity in my mind again, I want to listen to music, write, be more involved socially. Be the husband that my man deserves. These are a few of the reasons which are quite valuable to me. Hell of a lot more valuable than PORN. PORN is waste. It turned my brain into MUSH. The best inspiration I have received from this site and Yourbrainonporn.com is that "THE BRAIN FOG - WILL GO AWAY" But I'm 4 days in, and I'm am fucking scared that I will relapse. I want to be sober from PORN so bad. I really want clarity. I want to be free from this fucking demon. So I will treat every day like it's the first day I quit porn. And I look forward to seeing the green line on my counter to reach 90 days.

The only thing I would like to see is more gay men on this site. Not that I mind talking with straight guys, but like I mentioned before. It is so hard to be gay in this society. Male Physique is practically glamorized and shoved in your face every where you go. That is why I fear a Relapse. Anyway, If you stuck around to this last line, I appreciate you reading my first Journal entry.

Hey Rikko! Glad to see you in the forum.

I want to share my journey with you. I'm on Day 47 on my journey now, and the brain fog was the first to go for me. Within 13 days in, and that includes a couple of slip ups, I started to remember things much better, and my concentration had improved by then. It might have been sooner than that, but I tested myself that night, and I still remember the person who served me and my girlfriend for her birthday dinner, and I remember her sister's phone number.

I experienced your fear as well. During the first few days, you are going to go through panic attacks. It's your brain trying to force you into porn again - it can't stand you are not feeding it with the thing it thinks it needs to survive!!!!!!

When you experience this, I recommend taking a cold shower. Yes, in a state of panic, a cold shower is perfect, because it will shoot your brain up with dopamine very quickly, and then the panic will disappear, and you will go on from there.

I'm glad you've made it 4 days! That is awesome!!!!
 
Hey,

Keep it up! great post. Temptation is everywhere whether your gay or straight. We just tend to notice women very similar to how you mentioned men. It takes time to start doing all the right things and viewing people as people. I agree with what Kurall_creator stated about cold showers. Do it. Feel the urge to PMO. Take a cold shower. Your brain starts to make that association and cold showers suck. It has worked for me. Also I think you should look into some kind of meditation it helps clear up the brain fog faster in my opinion. There are some apps like Headspace or you can find a guided one on you tube etc . Finally , connect with real people. constantly talk to everyone with a hello how are you etc. Theres a really good TED talk on addiction. It talks about how we bind to  unhealthy things and need to bind to healthier situations. The talk was about all addiction but it fits what we are going through. Keep up your great work so far.


 

Rikkoman

Member
Wow. I really did not expect any replies. Thank you so much for your words. Yes, I will heed all advice and try anything I can to beat this thing. I don't want to be 54 going on 55 and saying "oh this time I'm going to quit PORN." I'm getting old now, and I want to enjoy my life while I can. And I want to do it Sober from PORN. I write PORN in all caps just because I want to tell my brain, see look at this word, it is BAD. But I understand that it's the primitive part that yearns for it and it just basically does not understand if its bad or good it just wants it.

So is this P Subbing?: I will be going on business trips three more times this year. So at work today I got interested in the Scanner the TSA uses at the airport. The one that supposed to see you naked. Well I googled everything about this scanner, but I caught myself more interested in the "nakedness" of it. So I looked up images and videos. Then I looked into strip searches. Checking to see if the TSA had any authority over strip searches. Anyway, the 'clicks' started again. I wasn't satisfied with my answers. I kept searching. Getting excited on the possibility that I might get strip searched. WTF. Should I just stay away from the Internet? Did I just cheat? Did I just inadvertently mis-dose my self with dopamine. Doesn't this impede breaking down the neuroplasticity of my mushed brain? I hope not, I don't want to reset. At this time I made up my mind that I will only reset my counter when I actually PMO. But I don't want to defeat the purpose by giving my brain what it wants with P Subs.

I do not want to go back to PMOing. I want to get rid of my BRAIN FOG so bad. Kurall, I will be looking at my day 13. I want my concentration to improve. Right now, all this past week, I just keep recalling all my images of my favorite porn stars in my mind. It reels over and over. Jaystock, I'm really trying to keep my mind busy man, but those images just repeat over and over. I have been very irritable, this started today. I just need two more days and I hit a week. It has been like 3-4 years since I ever held off PMOing for a week. Well again thanks all for your replies. The interaction within this site has already proven quite valuable for me.
 

Rikkoman

Member
Yes, I have done some research, and I am convinced that the above sites that I have been perusing are P Subs. It doesn't necessarily have to be Pornographic images. The brain tricks me to get me into the 'mouse and lever' mode. I see something online and then I want more and more and finally before you know it I keep clicking looking for Novelty. Yesterday I stayed almost an hour later after work searching on my Smartphone for anything that was related to strip searches at the airport. I was aroused. I was hooked again, dopamine spurting, and my brain getting what it wanted. Who stays after work? An addict trying to get a fix. I will be more careful now and I will recognize my triggers. I need to mend my brain. My ultimate goal is to clear this Brain Fog. I want clarity.
 

jstock

Active Member
Your  brain  can really  trick you. I know exactly  what your talking about. For me YouTube is my red flag. Up until 3 months  ago, I had unlimited  Internet on my phone, not good. I'd spend hours on YouTube looking  up crap that just got my dopamine  fired up,then after a few HOURS on that, I'd slip in just a tiny little  peek of my favorite  site. Then I was off to the races. Everything  was good, when I was on my favorite  site. I lost track of time. I'm so ashamed  of how much of my life I've wasted looking at a damn screen. Even now when I slip up, I know what I'm doing, and it's just not as much fun, knowing  what in doing to my brain.  Stay strong brother,  we're  all in this together
 
A

AndyNJ

Guest
Hi, Rikkoman.  I've also been amazed at how devious one's own brain can be, tricking you back into the behavior you're trying to rid yourself of.  "Just this little bit, this really isn't the same thing..."etc.  The self-awareness that you demonstrate is the only cure.  I am turning got mindfulness meditation to raise my self awareness so I can prevent relapses.
 

Rikkoman

Member
Your right Jaystock, we're in this together. We know what we are doing, just like AndyNJ says, we do have that self awareness, but that primitive part of our brain is so strong. We are already in turmoil, so I don't believe we should torture ourselves any further with guilt after a slip. I just know what I want in the end (BRAIN FOG NO MORE), so if I do slip I'll get up and keep on moving along with my plan.

However, big scare last night. I never watch TV. I had regular television with the antennae to catch those extra digital channels, but my cable provider talked me into an HBO, STARZ, ENCORE package along with only my local channels, not a bad deal really.

Anyway, I decided to turn on the channel that has Sanford and Son, Good Times, Archie Bunker, and The Jeffersons. Yeah, brings back memories. Well it was late so I started to surf the channels and BAM!!!!! Some HBO had some FUCKEN PORN Documentary going on, I got a glimpse of Porn I would normally see Online.  I stopped the channel I watched for 3-5 minutes, my heart pumped so fast, I could feel it, my stomach turned, I felt nauseated. I was going through a real conflict. Am I cheating? I ask my self. NO NO NO. I changed the channel and went through the entire line of channels knowing that I should just stop and go to bed. But I did the round until I got to that channel again, it was over. Thank God! But then some Soft Porn B ass movie was starting. So I turned off the channel and went to sleep, fearing that I would M. But, funny thing I didn't get an erection. But my body was acting pretty weird. I had a knot in my stomach and I felt warm and nauseated. What a battle this is going to be.

Yes, my friends. Stay strong. This shit is really scary. I've never been addicted to any substance, alcohol, or tobacco, but now I know what an addiction is. STAY STRONG! 
 

jstock

Active Member
I have hbo, and showtime mostly for the boxing. I see those shows on, all the time, and it's funny,  those wanna be porn shows  do absolutely nothing for me. I know I'm addicted  to porn, and masterbation,  but I think those shows are gross. My red flags are Facebook,  and definitely  YouTube. You did good brother  turning them off, and going to sleep.
 

Rikkoman

Member
I accomplished a week!!!!  :)

Now onward with a plan. I will Red Flag, You Tube, Late Night hbo, starz and encore, plus I will get rid of all those extra news apps from my Smartphone. I don't need to know everything going on. Plus, some of the news that my brain gravitates to usually has videos linked to You Tube, and then You Tube conveniently lines up a list of videos related to the content you're watching. Which I quickly fall into the "mouse and lever" mode.

Week 2, here I come.

I wish all those starting out all the best......because as I said before this is hard. Just remember, the first step is the hardest, just do it. We are in this together.

Have a great week!
 
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AndyNJ

Guest
Congratulations!  Great accomplishment and an inspiration for me.
 

Rikkoman

Member
MY RULES TO LIVE BY:

Personal Screen Time only from 9am - 9pm (not continuously online for 12 hrs - this is the time allowed to use internet for business, email etc...)

Check the news online only from 9am - 11am then 3pm - 5pm

No TV channel surfing after 9pm

No P Subbing (I know what they are)

Utilize my No Fap App for inspiration

When the Urge strikes just get up and walk away

NO PORN (of any kind)




 

Rikkoman

Member
BTW

This was a VERY challenging day!!!!!

AAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

I HATE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK............................................
 

jstock

Active Member
I hate to tell you this brother, your going to have a lot of those kinds of days. Right now your brain is really  freaking out, wondering  why it's not getting  the dopamine  hits. It's starving for that.  your doing  fine don't let your brain  trick you, it's going  to get very desperate. Just keep posting
 
Hey Rikkoman,

Stay with it. Come up with a plan that will get you to associate the action with something negative. I use cold showers and they work for me. IF I think about chat room or porn Wham in the cold shower. My mind made an asssociation that porn or porn use equals cold shower and they suck. If you read a lot of success stories which I find helpful the first two to four weeks are the hardest as far as cravings. I have done a lot of meditation. I do it daily for ten min. I find it helpful. Stay the course its a life
style change.
 

Rikkoman

Member
Very, very depressing day today. I woke up in a foul mood. I snapped at my spouse and accidentally stepped on my dog. I went to work early because I don't know what else to do. I used to wake up and watch PORN in the morning when getting ready. Now I have all this extra time. I'm tired. Just exhausted.

I was at work around 9:30 am and was ready to call it quits. So I went to my car and cranked on the AC and watched Gabe's video explaining PORN addiction. It was enough to get me thinking about the reasons I want to quit PORN. I then started to tear up and felt like I was going to have a crying fit, but I didn't. I was so down and out this morning. I would try cold showers, but that's a little hard to do when I'm at work. I have people coming to me when they're at the end of their rope. I'm trying to hold on to mine. I put on a good show. My husband and I were texting each other about earlier this morning. So I finally told him that I'm going through something very hard right now. He texts back that he is here to support me. I texted him back and sent him a link to rebootnation.org., and that currently my life is a living hell. I just can't come out and tell him. He figured it out years ago.

I'm weight training at home. Maybe that's why I'm so tired. I had sex this past Saturday, maybe it's the chaser effect oh I don't know. Right now I don't care. I'm just posting. I'm trying. It's such a contrast. When I first started on this journey I was elated and did everything I'm supposed to do. I got my counters set up on my phone and here and writing down my master plan to beat PORN. Now, I'm so gray, I should just stop. I don't want to depress anyone reading this right now.

Have a great night.
 

bob

Respected Member
My thoughts are with you.

Reading your journal has meant a lot to me and while I am not gay, I see SO many similarities.

While I have had some success staying away from PMO, I have gotten to the point where I question myself and this whole process. I know it is the direction I should be moving. It's just hard sometimes.

Anyway, hang in there. I hope to be more forthcoming in my own journal but at this point I am just spent.

Peace brother.
 

jstock

Active Member
Thanks  for posting rikko. It's 2 am, I'm done sleeping, and I want to find a place I can go cry. I feel horrible. I'm having a panic attack. This sucks. But it means our brains are changing, and that's a good thing . SO RIGHT NOW , WE ARE HURTING, AND IN PAIN, WE MIGHT AS WELL GET A REWARD FOR IT.  That reward,  is a normal  sex life
 
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