chris.tallenton
New Member
I've been dealing with Hocd for almost 5 years now. It first hit me when I was 14, and in high school. The first thing that made me question my sexuality was noticing that a found a guy good looking. At the time this scared me and i thought maybe I gay or bisexual, and I just went with that thought. Although I was still attracted to women, it made me depressed and caused a lot of anxiety. During my senior years of high school I sorta ignored the thought, and kept living my life and It only bothered me occasionally.
Several months after high school I was watching porn. Then the thought of gay porn popped in my head. I became somewhat excited, and climaxed pretty quickly. It didn't really feel the same as arousal, im not sure if it was just curiosity or the thought of watching something new. Since then my Hocd has been rampant, I constantly check to see if Im gay. Ill look at pictures of men to see if I get a boner, and I never do but my penis does seem to react and move around, but it never really becomes erect. Every time i see a guy on tv in person, I think of sexual thoughts to see if im attracted to him. These thoughts scare me and make me uncomfortable (mentally and physically), but it is sometimes hard to read my thoughts and thats what scares me. I sometimes feel like it is arousal, but its not the same way i feel when being aroused by women. Im still attracted to women, and I only ever masturbated to straight porn and pictures of women. These thoughts about men confuse me, and I dont enjoy the thoughts but sometimes I over analyze them, and then I go off the rail in my own mind. I feel really uncomfortable around most guys, and I get worried if I have sex with a man or look at gay porn ill enjoy it. I also have had some gay dreams, and sometimes I wake up with a boner, sometimes not erect, but these dreams only occur when Im really stressed over Hocd, and I do not enjoy them or feel aroused. I know I dont want to do anything gay, but the thoughts just scare me.
I've also started trying Nofap (not to successful yet), but my Hocd didnt start with Porn, although I think Porn made it worse. I can use all the help I can get. This has been a horrible experience for me and sometimes I feel like its not worth the effort, but I keep on going because I still want to enjoy my life.
Thank you!
Several months after high school I was watching porn. Then the thought of gay porn popped in my head. I became somewhat excited, and climaxed pretty quickly. It didn't really feel the same as arousal, im not sure if it was just curiosity or the thought of watching something new. Since then my Hocd has been rampant, I constantly check to see if Im gay. Ill look at pictures of men to see if I get a boner, and I never do but my penis does seem to react and move around, but it never really becomes erect. Every time i see a guy on tv in person, I think of sexual thoughts to see if im attracted to him. These thoughts scare me and make me uncomfortable (mentally and physically), but it is sometimes hard to read my thoughts and thats what scares me. I sometimes feel like it is arousal, but its not the same way i feel when being aroused by women. Im still attracted to women, and I only ever masturbated to straight porn and pictures of women. These thoughts about men confuse me, and I dont enjoy the thoughts but sometimes I over analyze them, and then I go off the rail in my own mind. I feel really uncomfortable around most guys, and I get worried if I have sex with a man or look at gay porn ill enjoy it. I also have had some gay dreams, and sometimes I wake up with a boner, sometimes not erect, but these dreams only occur when Im really stressed over Hocd, and I do not enjoy them or feel aroused. I know I dont want to do anything gay, but the thoughts just scare me.
I've also started trying Nofap (not to successful yet), but my Hocd didnt start with Porn, although I think Porn made it worse. I can use all the help I can get. This has been a horrible experience for me and sometimes I feel like its not worth the effort, but I keep on going because I still want to enjoy my life.
Thank you!