Starting again

Hello to anyone reading this.
I had a journal on this site four years ago, unfortunately I gave up posting after a number of months. Over the following years I have been off porn for a number of periods of three or four months, and then, just when I begin to imagine that I have broke the habit I would inevitably slip up. This is usually followed by periods of a number of weeks in which I engage in pornography on and off, and generally feel quite terrible about myself. My addiction is alot deeper than I had once thought: I realise that I can never afford to believe I have overcome it; it will be something that I must be on guard against all through my life.
I have come to the realisation over the past few days of two things: firstly, that I have not really taken responsibility for my addiction, instead I tend to view looking at porn as inevitable once I slip up. I have alot more power to stop than I think. I was not prepared to make the necessary sacrifice. I need to take responsibility for my choices, however difficult that will be.
Secondly, I have not really rejected porn culture in my heart: part of me felt that that I could simply control myself while still occasionally fantasizing about women in my thoughts. While I have accepted in theory that porn and the entire sexual objectification is harmful, I did not accept this fully in my heart. Part of me wanted to give up porn but not give up lust (as opposed to sexual attraction in its proper place).
I realise also that accountability is something that I really need. I intend to post here everyday and also to read and post on others journals, and lend support in any way that I can. I appreciate reading so many good men striving to overcome this addiction. My God bless your efforts.
Thats not a whole lot for my first post, but I intend to post more over the coming weeks.
Good luck to you all.

Hi joe.

I remember you posting here a couple of years ago. I'm back also. From reading you post it seems like you've had something of an epiphany regarding your relationship with porn. Hopefully, this will be the last time you need to use the forum.

Very few addicts give up on their first, second or third attempts. I think it's a gradual process. The good news is that you're still fighting it.

I wish you luck!

Hey Mousemat,
Thanks for the encouragement. Yeah, I think both of us would rather we didnt have to be back here, but it is better than giving up altogether.
Best of luck to you!

Well, this is an very embarrassing confession... on the second day I was spending time trying out different free porn blockers, trying to ensure that I'd have one that couldnt be bypassed, and in my attempt to ensure that it couldnt be bypassed I was typing in various sexual search terms to block, and before I knew it I was looking at sexual images. I gave in to the temptation.
In some ways t is good that this happened on the second day rather than on day fifteen or even day fifty, as it shows me how quickly I gave into it. I had the option to turn away, and I choose to give in. The voice in my head told it was all quite normal and healthy, and I listened. It was as if I had never signed up to this site.
Ok, starting again...

I've been there too. I think it's definitely a lot harder in the early going, because the monster of addiction is still so alive and strong.

I like to reflect after experiences like that about how the addiction has a mind of its own.

Hey man sorry to hear that the addiction tricked you during the getting the blocking app stage.
I had my fiancee sort mine out for me as well as locking my play store so I can't download any dodgy apps.
Have you got anyone IRL that you can discuss this with and be like an accountability partner?

I like to expand on sunamstar's thoughts on the addiction having a mind of its own. I like to view my addiction as a separate being that plays tricks on me and tries to take over. I feel I can tell which voice is his now and which is mine.

Hi, Joe.

Welcome back. I am also a returning "customer". Wish you all the best on your journey.

EW

HI joe,

Good to hear from you again. It is a well-reasoned decision that you made of involving yourself one more time in this forum. It shows that you are committed to fight this terrible addiction.

One thing that helps me a lot in my current reboot (and I hope the last) is to definitely accept that I will no longer be using P, and insist on this thought vigorously by rehearsing sentences in my mind when I feel I can slip back in. For instance, we you feel you are on the verge of letting yourself go, try to convince yourself with an argumentative "interior dialogue" like this: "I am strong enough to overcome this urge. I have succeeded in the past and can do it again. I am a valuable human being who is dealing with something crucial for my well-being and those of my family. I will overcome this addiction".

This method (alongside with meditation, accountability partners, sex therapy, reading books on addiction and posts on this forum, and so forth) helped me very much so far.

I wish you the best bro!