I've tried everything

My name is Jacob and I am pornography addict. I have been using pornography since I was probably 14 years old. I was first exposed when I was 10 or so. I remember feeling very excited by it at a young age. I remember being excited about anything that was even remotely sexual or suggestive. Like, even the "birds and the bees" books and the library book on puberty that my mom checked out and left lying around the house when I was 11 or 12.

For me, it began with watching HBO and Cinemax late at night when I was 12 or 13. Then I realized I could use Internet Explorer instead of AOL and bypass the parental controls when I was 14. I don't think my mom even knew there was another internet browser on our computer. That first exposure to completely unrestricted, hardcore pornography was life-changing. When possible, I would PMO like 3-4 times in a 2 hour time span. From the beginning, I had an insatiable appetite for it.

My time was a bit limited with that though, because our family computer was in a common area in the basement, so it could often be weeks between sessions. In the meantime, my use of marijuana and alcohol pretty much took up most of my time. Kind of how with porn, I had unlocked an immediate, insatiable compulsion; so too was my drug use. I understand addiction as a progressive illness, but my progression was extremely fast early on, followed by a slow and steady rising plateau. When I began smoking marijuana at 16, it was pretty much immediately every day, and it was hugely important to me. I had enjoyed getting drunk here and there for a few years, but when I began drinking beer with my nightly pipe-full of marijuana at the age of 22, that was also pretty much immediately every day. THat progressed into alcoholism, and I was not able to use my own willpower to quit. My porn use was a constant background distraction. I got a laptop when I was 21 and it was really nice to be able to watch porn whenever I wanted to. Because I didn't really police myself, and because I didn't see what I was doing as being wrong, most of my sessions ended up being pretty short. 10-20 minutes, almost every night. Sometimes, especially if I was really drunk, I would go on a porn bender and spend like an hour or more browsing and PM without the O due to being drunk.

When I got sober with the help of AA at 26, continued to use porn, sometimes every night. Due to not being numbed by alcohol and weed, the long sessions returned. I discovered r/nofap and r/pornfree on reddit in December 2015, and I remember that being the first time I ever considered that I had a problem. Whenever I try to rationalize pornography and not being that bad, or that I donn't have a problem, I have to go back to those two truths that I have known since December 2015: my life improves when I don't look at porn, and I can't stop looking at porn once I start.

In the almost five years since, I have had two steaks of 75 days. A few streaks of 60, and countless 14-30 days streaks. Here are things I have tried:

1. Sheer willpower.
2. Telling my AA sponsor and working the 5th, 6th, and 7th step on it.
3. Praying about it.
4. Solemn oath and vows.
5. Posting on r/pornfree
6. Sex addiction therapy (expensive, $150 per visit)
7. Covenant Eyes web accountability software. My fiance/wife was my accountability partner, and it was not good for our relationship.
8. Regular therapy.
9. Applying the "Easy Way" method to quit smoking to my porn use.
10. Journaling
11. Meditation
12. Most recently, SAA. I have a sponsor and am working the 12 steps. I most recently finished a 50-question written first step.

In this time, I have gotten promoted at work, gotten married, bought a house, and now my wife is pregnant with our first child (girl expected on Dec. 1). All of those things I thought would help spur me to finally once and for all give this thing up.

But I haven't been able to stay PMO-free. I had almost 60 days at the end of July, and then I relapsed about twice a week in August. I relapsed on August 31, which my brain was able to rationalize as being able to say "how nice, my sobriety date will fall on the first of the month." But then I relapsed yesterday. And then today.


Did I use porn today?
Yes
What were my triggers?
Being home alone. Taking off my cochlear implants.

How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?
With pornography I guess. Actually not that stressed today. I felt more stress from relapsing than before relapsing.

What am I grateful for today?
This forum.

Day counter!
Two hours, or 0.08 days

Today went well. It felt like it went by quick. My shift at work really flew by and I had a lot of energy. Not a lot of clarity, just excitable energy. I meditated this morning for 10 minutes when I woke up. Meditation has been nearly daily for me for about 3.5 years, but getting some time on the cushion has always been a little challenging in the morning. I really enjoy taking my time sipping and drinking my coffee while reading. When things are going well and I am on my game, I'm reading spiritual literature. When I'm not, I'm reading Google News or checking out Reddit.

But I had a realization last week that I've always intended to meditate more, especially in the morning, and that my coffee is too hot to drink right away. So I began meditating for 8-10 minutes immediately after I finish brewing my pour-over. It's basically transferring some time that I used to spend reading into meditation time, which is good.

Phone in the morning hasn't been a big problem for a while. It pops up every now and then. Phone in the afternoon after work and TV in the evening have been bigger struggles lately. Especially TV in the evening with my wife. SOmething that never used to be part of our days is now taking up time.

But overall, it was a really good day. I went on a mile and a half walk with my wife and our dog and was generally present. I wish I lived with more intention once I got home instead of spending dinner time and afterwards by watching Netflix for about two hours.

I'm going to read the Bible, meditate, and get the coffee ready for the morning before bed and really just try and rest in the gratitude of being sexually sober for one day. The Big Book in AA warns against "morbid reflection" in our review of the day, and as someone who struggles with perfectionism, I don't want to be too hard on myself early on.

Day Counter:
1 day, 4 hours.

Hi Sunamstar.

Very few addicts quit at the first attempt, so you are not alone with your struggle. You've done amazingly well to beat your addiction to alcohol and weed, so you should take great satisfaction from that. Can you apply the same techniques you used to overcome these additions to overcoming porn addiction?

I think sometimes it's easier for me to simply tell myself that I'm not going to watch porn for 24 hours. It seems easy to stop watching porn for 24 hours. Then after the 24 hours have finished, I just tell myself I'm not going to watch porn for 24 hours. I keep doing this until I've reached 30 days, or 250 days. You mentioned that you relapsed, but it doesn't seem that you went on a porn binge. I think this is very positive. In the past, when I've relapsed, I've just gone crazy and spent hours every day watching porn. Now, when I relapse, it might be for an hour and then I can start a new run. Slowly, we can beat this addiction. The important thing is not to fall back into a sustained habit of watching porn.

Meditation is very useful. I don't know which kind of meditation you are using, but I know 'mindfulness' is very popular these days. Being 'mindful' is just another way of saying 'remember', in this case you're just remembering to bring your mind back to the object of your meditation. The good thing about meditation is that it can help you to see that there is 'something' that is aware of your thoughts, but is in fact separate from your thoughts. This is very useful, because it means that the 'something' that is watching your thoughts can intervene and stop you from acting on those thoughts. You probably know this, but the aim of meditation is to help you carry the meditation into your everyday activity, not just when you are on the cushion. So, you can be meditating when you're working by constantly checking your mind to see if it is really focused on your work, or on what you want to have for lunch, for example.

Well done on your first 28 hours of this run. Even 28 hours is a huge victory when fighting an addiction. I wish you luck!

Thank you.

I am indeed trying the same method that I did with weed and alcohol by working steps from SAA. I'm not unfamiliar with 24-hour living due to being in AA for six years.

I think sometimes it's harder to define abstinence in sexual sobriety that it is to define physical sobriety from drugs and alcohol. With pornography, one aspect of my addiction that has developed over the last five years is trying to look at non-nude images or suggestive images for as long as possible before finally hitting the tipping point. I will literally try to stay in the gray area of whether something is porn or not for an hour... getting the same dopamine but somehow able to tell myself that it's not porn, and not a relapse. In SAA, I have defined that behavior as a relapse.

[trigger warning] I can't google cameltoe or tight dresses... and pretend that not's a relapse anymore.

I've also been guilty of "trying" to "accidentally" stumble upon porn. For example, just typing almost any word into the search function in Reddit can produce pornographic post titles and thumbnails. Like just searching the word 'white' and you'll get dozens of results like 'look what under my white dress.' etc. [/trigger]

I have to ask myself why I am seeking to change how I feel with a huge surge of dopamine.

Alright, more than two days and fourteen hours. I will not have any home alone time today. Tomorrow I will be home alone from about 8 am until 2 pm. Right now I feel good in my sobriety, but I know how quickly my brain can just make the switch. It can be very opportunistic.

My game plan for tomorrow morning when my wife leaves for work will be:

1. Run two miles as soon as she leaves. I think this is good because running produces some dopamine and it can develop into a good cue, routine, reward system.

2. Do a longer than normal meditation, say 30 minutes on the pillow.

3. Take the dog on a good walk.

4. Leave for work early, and go to the gym before work.

I should avoid all screens tomorrow, there is no good need. I used to avoid screens for a while in the early morning, but the last two days haven't been the case. The Tour de France has just sucked me in... but tomorrow is a pretty flat stage. I can just keep up with the map profile on my phone here and there tomorrow.

Today when I woke up, I had a paycheck to budget, which involved pulling up all of the investment accounts to see which fund needed to be invested in, checking Reboot Nation, putting a live stream of the Tour on one tab, checking e-mail, and checking the status of our home refinancing. And now I've spent about 1.25 hours on the computer with a coffee before meditation, prayer, or any spiritual literature. This isn't always dangerous, but if I was home alone, it definitely would be. I don't have enough sober time to be able to do that.

Hey Jacob,

How are you these days? What came to my mind in reading your posts is that you probably are very demanding on yourself as a person. Reading the list of things you tried in order to achieve no P, it looks like you are a person driven by results and efficiency.

I do understand that, as I am quite the same myself. We want to be better persons, and in order to succeed, we usually tell ourselves that we "must" be perfect, otherwise, it's not worth all the efforts. Albert Ellis, famous cognitive psychologist, which I really like for his radical and no non-sense approach, calls "musturbation" the way people impose to themselves rigid thinking about the way they have to perform in their daily lives. Like many other people told me on this forum and elsewhere, reboot is a process. It is not necessary to be hard on yourself. Just have to accept your situation and work on it.

Viewing each day as it is (a simple 24-hour period), is the right way to overcome things that at first may appear overwhelming. If this is to much, try consider dividing your day in 3 or 4 periods and planning ahead of time activities that will distract your mind away from P.

You are on the right track. Keep going man!