Starting over with a journal after 4 years...

metal22

Active Member
Hi guys,
I thought that I had made it!  I went about 4 years without a relapse,  but here I am.  I believe I have learned a lot,  as well as my spouse during these 4 years.  I am ashamed to say that I need a lot more growth.  I wish I had just admitted to her about my relapse,  and then when she suspected I still lied!  Ugh!  It makes me feel like I'm back to square one again.  My addiction has really challenged my family,  and almost broke us apart 4 years ago.  Through the grace of my SO she stayed with me,  even when things looked bleak,  and I was a total jerk.  I don't know if I can express how disappointed it is to think you have finally made it and then to just fall back in the hole just like before.
I didn't value my marriage during the PMO days.  I took things for granted,  and basically eroded the marriage.  I've been in a daze for the last couple days,  not processing my emotions,  but today I realized unlike last time,  I need to fight for this marriage!  We have had our rocky times,  but I just can't imagine my life without her.  I don't express this enough ( obviously I need to improve here) that she means so much to me.  We are like the best of friends,  mostly always enjoying the company of each other. 
And to be so stupid and throw this away?  What the hell is wrong with me?!  She deserves better.  The amount of damage I did to her before was astronomical,  and to put her through this again?  She may not want to stay with me over this,  but I'm going to fight for this anyway.
This is day 4.
 

imsorrynotsorry

Active Member
Hello metal22,

i would like to think that a place like this is always there for you when you need it. So if this is a part of your fight for your marriage, i'm happy that maybe i can contribute.

It is only my perspective from what you`ve written, but i sense that the balance in your marriage between you and your wife is weakend because of PMO. As long as you give in to PMO it?ll be hard to restore a balance. You?re here for a fresh start, i wish you good luck and strength and never be too hard on yourself. I'm sure your wife will feel it, when you are fighting against PMO, even though you don't change words about it.
 

ShadeTrenicin

Well-Known Member
Hey Metal22, welcome (back?) to the forum!

You did not throw everything away with a relapse, but it is a good thing that you've come to the forum. The fact that you see what has transpired in the past with you and your family shows that you are open for change.

You are not stupid for 'throwing' it away; you are an addict. And that sometimes means that you do something even though you know it's not what you want. That also means there is nothing wrong with you. You are on a forum with a great many people that are experience the same thing as you are (look at my opening post for example). So, there is nothing wrong with you, you are just a P addict. And that is not the end of the world.

So, the main question i wanted to ask you is; what made you relapse? What was the trigger or set of events that lead to it?


Good luck man. I hope to read more from you on here!

I'm rooting for you
 

runksoneck

Member
Hey Metal22, welcome back

you can do it again. I mean, 4 years without relapsing you was doing something right.

In fact, can you tell us how you got this mark? urges, blockers, social media, sex...

 

metal22

Active Member
Thanks guys,
I should have been contributing here over the last while.  Honestly I had fallen out of touch with you guys but I need to have my head in the game so to speak.  One of the big lessons,  and I knew this theoretically,  was that once and addict,  always an addict.  We must accept that his has changed our lives forever.  And unfortunately,  we have to always have our guard up. 
Today is day 6.  Spent some time with the kids today,  and talked through a bit.  They voiced to me that they would like to have a more involved dad.  I spend too much time with my own stuff,  and they feel that they aren't a priority.  It breaks my heart,  but my life has always revolved around my things,  and they feel it.  They also talked to my wife,  and felt that love was about putting someone you love before your own needs.  They felt guilty for they're treating of their mom,  and also asked if I wasn't putting her first,  who was?  This relapse is teaching me how I need to change my priorities.  After the D-day of a few years back I recovered in many ways,  but changing of my life perspective did not.
Relapses are truly disappointing,  but this also forces me to reflect on things more,  about the situation,  and how we all interact in it.
 

ShadeTrenicin

Well-Known Member
Hey metal,

I can only imagine how it must've felt, talking to your kids and hearing them say it! It also shows that you've taken the time to actually hear them and step out of your self-centered (not a judgement) view of mind! This mindset is what will help you out of your addiction eventually!

So, keep on going strong, invest in your wife and kids and they will be your greatest support in beating this addiction (whether they know it or not)

Good luck man!

ALso, keep posting on here! It helps you it helps us! (that's a line stolen from another forum member on here  ;D )
 

Gracie

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Metal,
It has been a while since you have been here.  And as I recall you were a little more open to women hooping in to your thread.  I think the hard part for us when we start working with our husbands through their addiction is all the things that trigger us.  Once we start down this path we become so damned hyper vigilant we are constantly receiving input to analyze for want of a better word.  The reason why is Porn snuck into our life like a thief in the night.  We didn?t know it was there until we found out.  We saw the signs, but thought our husbands would not turn away from us.  But then there it was.  The Secret that was kept.  So we worked hard to recover our sense of self, recover our marriage and move forward.  Then as our marriage and us and our husbands heal we start to relax.  But things trigger us.  After 8 or 9 years post d-day, I had to talk about an issue from then I had not talked about.  It was a decisionI made about yard work that hurt me immensely.  But we talked.  Talk to your wife.  Talk every day.  15 minutes just her and you.  Hold hand when you talk or some physical contact.  We women need communication.  We need reassurance.  We need love.  We need physical touch.  Caring touch not just sex.  Love to you Metal!  You can do this!
 

Wolfman

Active Member
metal22 said:
Thanks guys,
I should have been contributing here over the last while.  Honestly I had fallen out of touch with you guys but I need to have my head in the game so to speak.  One of the big lessons,  and I knew this theoretically,  was that once and addict,  always an addict.  We must accept that his has changed our lives forever.  And unfortunately,  we have to always have our guard up. 
Today is day 6.  Spent some time with the kids today,  and talked through a bit.  They voiced to me that they would like to have a more involved dad.  I spend too much time with my own stuff,  and they feel that they aren't a priority.  It breaks my heart,  but my life has always revolved around my things,  and they feel it.  They also talked to my wife,  and felt that love was about putting someone you love before your own needs.  They felt guilty for they're treating of their mom,  and also asked if I wasn't putting her first,  who was?  This relapse is teaching me how I need to change my priorities.  After the D-day of a few years back I recovered in many ways,  but changing of my life perspective did not.
Relapses are truly disappointing,  but this also forces me to reflect on things more,  about the situation,  and how we all interact in it.

Hi Metal, welcome back to the forum. Wow, 4 years is an amazing achievement. If you did 4, you can do 4 more! Maybe this relapse is a wake-up call of sorts. That something of who you are isn't working and that you need to deliberately work on your relations with others before you can restore yourself? Think about what worked before, and what the circumstances are now: what's different? Mistakes aren't mistakes if you recognize them as mistakes, because you've already started working on your errors by just thinking them: next step is to more precisely identify those errors, trace the development and react. Rearrange the bits of your life that isn't working and you'll seal the demon that is P for way longer than four years! Take control. You got this!
 

metal22

Active Member
Hi guys ( and gals),
Yes I welcome anyone to comment.  I try to be open to all thoughts here on the forum!
Day 9:
As I reflect on the last 4 years I have realized I have come pretty far.  I have learned a whole lot about myself,  my triggers and urges,  and so much about my wife.  I have leaned into the pain I cause her,  and am still causing.  But I have also learned that I'm still needing to work on a whole lot more.  I have always subscribed to the thought that I can overpower my psychology with will power.  Which is probably one of the most preposterous things in my psyche,  because I fail like clockwork.  2 weeks into this "change" and I'm back to where I started,  the emotion blown over and old habit return.  Once in awhile I change muster a minuscule change,  but that's definitely the exception not the rule.
But I also came to a realization recently.  My wife has mentioned this to me many times,  even before D-day.  I have a tendency to hyper focus on certain things.  They have generally been on hobby-like things,  though recently it was community building.  I think I get much comfort from these things strangely,  like looking into something deeply,  give it critical thinking,  coming up with a solution and moving onto the next one.  Maybe there was some pride tied to it,  and maybe the feeling of people looking up to me,  and also even a splash of power being the guy who figured it out.  Its kinda hard to explain,  but I think it goes without saying that it wasn't my family that I was doing this with.  She has asked me many times,  "if you can think so hard and long about this,  why can't you do this with your family?  Is it we just bore you?"  To which I really had no answer,  just a fine list of excuses.
Anyway after my relapse,  I finally gave it a thought,  like,  yeah why am I not?  I mean,  doesn't everyone want a thriving marriage,  and kids that love and respect them?  It felt stupid to admit,  but if I can save a city,  why can't I save a marriage?
So I have spent the last couple days listening,  reading and thinking about my marriage.  I've found some good podcasts,  and listened while I worked.  The one biggest thing I feel convicted on is my comfort/discomfort.  I believe ultimately that is why I lie,  and why honesty is so difficult for me.  I am selfish,  and I like my comfort.  I like to not deal with strong negative emotions,  and conflict,  and sadness and so forth.  I had been on Facebook recently (which is a very triggering thing for me) I felt strong emotions from it.  People where in conflict,  were full of discord and it felt ugly.  Now I definitely need to stay off FB,  but it did help me steer my thoughts in the last couple days as I reflected on the experience as a whole.  When I do something wrong I want to hide from it,  ignore it and even avoid thinking about it.  So,  that's a problem for someone like me in recovery. 
So here is my shift I want to work on and master until it becomes second nature.  I believe subconsciously I have associated discomfort with death,  like some sort of self-preservation.  The twist of irony is though,  that me continuing to do this will bring about relationship death. 
When I make a mistake now,  I will tell my wife,  and acknowledge the discomfort that will come,  and then when it occurs I will sit in it,  and not run away or escape.  It seems so elementary as I type this out,  but I honestly know this will be difficult for me. 
 

metal22

Active Member
Day 10:
Today was pretty uneventful.  Things were busy work-wise and needed my attention more than usual so I feel a little disappointed I didn't get to reflect on a whole lot.  Tomorrow should be a lot slower so I'm hoping to spend a bit of time with my wife,  and hopefully have some good discussions.
 

imsorrynotsorry

Active Member
I am selfish,  and I like my comfort.  I like to not deal with strong negative emotions,  and conflict,  and sadness and so forth.

I find myself in this sentence. When my GF is in a sad mood and she?s encountering me, most of the time i don't want to hear about it. I'm blocking sad and negative emotions out of my mood and that's despressing her even more. She tells me that's hurting her and i've finally come to understand it. Maybe you feel the same way, anyway your post helped me see things clearer.
 

metal22

Active Member
Day 11:
I was feeling pretty good today.  Got some things done,  and the kids and I gave one half the house a really good scrubbing while she was at work.  We all enjoyed each other and the kids got satisfaction from working hard and getting things really clean.  I was originally planning on doing the whole house on this Saturday while she was at work so she would have a squeeky clean house for Mother's day,  but it turns out she doesn't work then.  So I went ahead and just got some of it done today.
I was thinking about our sex life today.  Even years after my hard reboot ( and before my relapse) our sex life wasn't up to par.  I mean we were on like a once a month average,  and I felt like it was really me not seeking.  I have a weird emotional state when I think about sex,  still after all this time.  Ever since the reboot,  I've always wanted to change that,  but I guess it wasn't priority enough b/c I never looked deep into it to figure out what was going on.  I have learned much in the last few years,  and one of the things is I am very controlled by my subconscious feelings,  which I am unfortunately completely out of tune with.  I believe I just don't have a clue on how to actually be a normal husband intimately and sexually.  I was never really educated on much ( nothing from the parents,  just the awkward stuff you learn in middle/high school),  and ultimately it was porn that I took in the most. 
A metaphor came to mind today when I thought about it more.  It's kinda like dancing.  Marriage is kinda like ballroom dancing;  elegant,  consensual,  and requires two people,  but also takes practice and skills to master.  I have always wanted to ballroom dance,  and even found a dance partner.  But when it comes to actually dancing I'm a novice,  I just know the basics steps,  and that gets boring for both of us.  And she is advanced,  waiting for me to catch up,  which I don't do because I'm intimidated and maybe ashamed that I can't dance.  Ultimately I just stop dancing much because of it.  I still love dancing,  and I also love my dance partner yet let my own mind stop me.  When I do dance,  I become very self conscious,  and struggle to make it fun and intimate the way it should be.  All of that causes me to bottle up all the emotions concerning it,  and because I'm a person who can't process emotions very well I just don't mention it bc it feels too painful to actually deal with it. 
I don't know if that makes sense to anyone.,  but it's where I feel like I'm at.
 

ShadeTrenicin

Well-Known Member
Hey Metal22!

I really recognize myself in not having a clue on how to be a good husband on an intimate and sexual level... Same here, got a lot of education from porn..
Its realisations like this that really make you understand how fucked up porn actually is.

Regarding the ballroom parallel; i've experienced the same, exactly the same. It's like being so self consious that you self-sabotage.. But, what I found out was is to just let go.. You are with the woman you love and trust.. There is no way it 'should' be.. There is a way that can be discovered together.. And yes as you said, it will take time and practice to master it.. But that process can also be fun!

I'm glad to have read this post, it made me feel less alone. So, thank you metal for sharing!
 

metal22

Active Member
Day 13:
I had made a promise to post everyday in my journal.  Obviously I did not do that yesterday.  This is just one small thing I had promised my wife,  as well as myself as an integrity builder.  I was working on something this morning when I thought about how I didn't post yesterday.  I knew that confessing that I had missed it was a necessary thing for both of us.  I didn't get to it until she finally asked me about how things are going.  I felt bothered that I hadn't just done it the second we had a free minute,  but unfortunately I waited.  But,  at least I did confess it.  I know it's small,  but it was a victory ultimately for me.  She didn't have to ask it out of me.  It was forefront on my conscience,  and I told her. 
We had a discussion about intimacy and physical touch.  She asked me when I'm going to touch her again.  I also gave her the unfortunate truth,  which was I was afraid to because I didn't want to experience possible rejection,  and also it felt de-emasculating to admit it.  But the truth is the truth,  and vulnerability is partially what intimacy is built on.  I need to be able to express how I feel,  so that she has the ability to fully love me.  She also needs to be able to express her feelings ( even if they are anger,  resentment, etc) and have me validate and support her in them.  Yes,  it hurts badly to be the cause of these awful feelings,  but we are all human and they happen.  If I shy away from them,  I am not supporting her in her needs,  and that ultimately undermines the marriage we have.
 

metal22

Active Member
Day 14,
Happy mother's day!  Not much to report today.  I did a little work on the house ( which my wife helped me with :).  It was nice to have her help.  I got a book in the mail about marriage intimacy which I'm excited to start reading.  I'll let you know how it is.
 

ShadeTrenicin

Well-Known Member
metal22 said:
Day 13:
I had made a promise to post everyday in my journal.  Obviously I did not do that yesterday.  This is just one small thing I had promised my wife,  as well as myself as an integrity builder.  I was working on something this morning when I thought about how I didn't post yesterday.  I knew that confessing that I had missed it was a necessary thing for both of us.  I didn't get to it until she finally asked me about how things are going.  I felt bothered that I hadn't just done it the second we had a free minute,  but unfortunately I waited.  But,  at least I did confess it.  I know it's small,  but it was a victory ultimately for me.  She didn't have to ask it out of me.  It was forefront on my conscience,  and I told her. 
We had a discussion about intimacy and physical touch.  She asked me when I'm going to touch her again.  I also gave her the unfortunate truth,  which was I was afraid to because I didn't want to experience possible rejection,  and also it felt de-emasculating to admit it.  But the truth is the truth,  and vulnerability is partially what intimacy is built on.  I need to be able to express how I feel,  so that she has the ability to fully love me.  She also needs to be able to express her feelings ( even if they are anger,  resentment, etc) and have me validate and support her in them.  Yes,  it hurts badly to be the cause of these awful feelings,  but we are all human and they happen.  If I shy away from them,  I am not supporting her in her needs,  and that ultimately undermines the marriage we have.

Hey metal,

How did it feel afterwards, telling your wife about not posting and that she didn't have to pull it out of you?

What you said about being scared to touch her, you feel that it is de-emasculating? But aren't you glad that you've picked up the courage to tell her and that you were not scared to confide in her? What was her reaction?

I read that you've thinking about all this a lot and that you're very willing to work on all your problems, both your personal as well as your matiral problems


Good luck man!
 

metal22

Active Member
Day 15,
Listened to some good podcasts today.  They made me think about some issues I've been struggling with.  Super busy day though,  and I'm heading to bed.  I'll share more tomorrow.
 

metal22

Active Member
Day 16:
I've been thinking some about sobriety versus recovery.  When D-day happened 4 years ago I worked towards sobriety.  I did the 90 day hard reboot,  and kept up the not viewing P or MOs or anything of the sort.  I slowly recovered,  my PIED very slowly went away,  and I learned some things about myself.  I felt proud of what I had done,  and I even liked to call myself "recovered".  Unfortunately I wasn't recovered,  nor am I still.  And that was pretty evident ( though I was ignorantly unaware) that I wasn't recovered,  as the same issues that plagued my marriage before continued ( just without the PMO issue).  I don't really know why I didn't progress,  I seemed satisfied with where I had gotten.  Overtime I became less cautious with my thoughts,  and ultimately fell back into a relapse through a series of minor justifications.  I'm not saying that this wouldn't have happened if I had focused on recovery,  but I think it would have gone down differently.
Here are the things that I feel like need to be focused on for my recovery:
1. Honesty.  Got to be honest about things,  especially the things that I feel like will cause my wife to be angry, disappointed, frustrated etc
2.  Vulnerable.  I have to step into who I am,  not what others expect from me.  I need to honestly express my feeling,  emotions and motives to my wife,  even if I think she will think less of me.  She can't fully love me for who I am if I don't tell her.
3.  Get out of victim mode on my sex life.  I am a perfectly normal human,  with normal human needs,  and so is/does my wife.  I need to be willing and able to freely discuss things;  our wants, desires, goals etc.  I must accept my perceived shortcomings,  and enjoy intimacy without my brain stressing me out.
There is of course a ton more to work on,  but if I'm to reestablish my integrity with both myself and my family I need to make small steps and get those small successes.

@Shadetrenicin.  Yes it did feel good to be honest with her.  I felt some anxiety and disappointment that I didn't fess up the first minute I had a chance,  but at least getting it out there at all was a success for me.  Its very reliving to be honest. 
 

ShadeTrenicin

Well-Known Member
Hey Metal,


I like the three points you described! Resonates for me as well! And happy to read that you felt relieved after telling your wife. honesty is reliving indeed!


Good luck man, i hope you and the wife will figure everything out together
 

metal22

Active Member
Day 17:
Thanks Shade!
We had a chance to go out today see our friends we haven?t seen in awhile.  Felt good to see them.  I heard a comparison today about our marriage to our spouses as sort of a training wheels for our love for God.  It really stuck with me.
 
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