"We don't gotta die so soon, so I just behave for you" (Journal)

Hi there.
I'm really struggling with watching pornography and willpower.
It's been a few days since I relapsed, but I just watched pornography. I find it really disgusting but I still want to keep watching it, I'm just feeling dull. It has to stop.

Here I am : a seventeen years old boy who's been trying to stop watching pornography and masturbating since October 2016th.
Once I made it through 300 days without watching pornography and masturbating. I made it once. Since that relapse, I've been spiraling down. I definitely improved, but not enough for me being comfortable with myself.

The cause of all my relapses are mostly because of a smartphone and also a laptop. It's always because of curiosity that I'm peeking and searching tendentious things. Also, a lack of willpower.
I already tried blocking apps and all those kind of things. For blocking pornography but also for increasing my productivity.
But with time, I realised that I'm too proud for letting those tools do all the struggle. If I want to quit porn, I have to increase my willpower. I have to train my mind, my heart. I have to learn to not let myself to my demons, and not give up on my goals, on the person I want to be.

I've seen enough. Literally and figuratively.

I want to become a person who don't masturbate to pornography. I want to become a better myself who don't spend hours in front of a screen lurking on false women who don't even care about me, who don't even know about me. There's nothing good and fullfilling about that habit, all that's left, is Shame.

The first days are the hardest. I have to admit, my brain is used to watch naked women doing nasty things. That's a fact. But I'm gonna change that fact, I'm gonna train my willpower through this.
The first days are the hardest. I'm gonna be very, very careful.

Thinking of my goals, of the person I want to be for the persons I do care about. I'm going against those demons.

Day 2.

I've been enlisted in the war on Conquered Self. It's my first one and it's starting tomorrow, I must say I'm excited, I'm gonna be a strong soldier.

I had some urges of course. It will not disappear right now, we need time. Time to recover, time to become better, time to free ourselves through our betterment, I've got my "Why".

Maybe I'll die, maybe I won't wake up when I'll be going to sleep. That's what I'm telling myself, but a part of me, a better part, does not want it to end already. I don't have anything else to lose, so now I can do anything.

I'll be going to war, and be a loyal and proud soldier. I'll behave myself.

Day 3.

Got a few bruises on my back. But I don't mind though.

I don't even think about death now, I don't even mind dying right now. It's an everlasting clash between my will to live and my fatigue.

I want to secrete adrenaline, even if it means an increased risk of hurting my body. It will become stronger, and I will feel truly alive.

I think that reaching that ideal will make myself truly live. I don't want to just go through life bored and dull. I want to feel with my body, to interact with things. It's a pure desire.

To get hurt is part of the learning.

Day 4.

I've started to spiral down into sadness and loss of confidence. I've realised that I'm stuck in a facade that I created, a behavior.

It's rather convenient, as it makes me able to socialize without opening up, but I feel that I need to let me express what I truly feel deep inside. That dull feeling that comes even though there's no reason and that's slowly eating me every time it comes.

The surprising thing is that even though I'm used to it, I can't do anything and I just want to lay down and sleep for hours and hours.

It has become a part of myself, but it's not who I am

Day 5 and 6.

Yesterday was pretty cool.

Today was pretty good too.

I went doing some exercices with friends today, it was great. I sensed that great rush of adrenaline that comes with exercice, it's really a sensation I like. I truly felt alive.

I want to keep doing it. That's what I want to do.

I want those friends to stay, but deep down I know that Life is all about meeting and parting. I want to leave with golden memories.

Right now, that's what I'm feeling. So now I'll just get up and move.

Day 7

I've been sad again and again. I need some time to let it pass. I'll get better, I'm sure about that. Just need a little rest.

I don't have to fear being alone

Day 8.

I've been feeling better than before, that's great. Life seems clearer, even though right now I feel like I'm just planing. Losing the flow of time.

A vague feeling of a kind of peace. After the intense overflow of emotions I've been feeling it's actually rather nice to just chill out. It's a kind of tired euphoria. I don't mind just watching right now.

Still I've been thinking about what I'm gonna do in that life. What do I want to achieve, the man I want to become with betterment, that world I want to change. That body I want to build. That person I want to meet once again, those places I want to visit. That Love I need to spread.

An existential struggle, filled with hope. I have things to do in this life, I mustn't die today. Not yet

Day 9 and 10.

Yesterday was pretty good, I don't remember how I felt, too bad.

Today was really nice. It looks like I'm feeling well again, that's a great thing.

A peace that will surely not last for long, but that's just how it works. I'm tired now, so I'm just gonna rest in that golden feeling.

It must go on, I must go on.

Day 11.

Today was really great, I spent time with a friend of mine and it was really nice. Laughed a lot away from my confort zone.

It's inspired me to do new things, to not fear trying them. Now that's a really precious thing I've learned, and which I hope I will not forget, I'll make sure to.

I had some downs but at the end of the day, I'm feeling pretty happy. New experiences are the best.

Really happy to be present in that world, it's a true blessing. And knowing that I'll live again tomorrow fills me with the thought that I must go on. Don't know how to put it.

Inspiration is key to free the mind. I'll move on.

Day 12.

Again, today was one nice day. Last day of school, it leaves me with a bitter feeling, to not see those same people for such a long time.

I believe that the key to happiness lies in the relationship with people. Whether it is family or friends, it's all the same to me.

Spiritually, I hold a deep love for humanity. Sometimes it becomes overwhelming, but I will never ashamed by it. It's a virtue I want to hold and protect as hard I can, no such thing as an extreme to show devotion.

Forgiveness is a virtue, I believe in it. I'm walking towards something better, with my hopes high.

Day 13 and 14.

Yesterday have been quite good. Today too.

I'm still planning for the future, but I have to take actions. In order to become the one I want to be, I have to sacrifice who I am now.

Hard work and persistence will get me there, I'm not dead yet.

Day 15 and 16.

I don't have much to say about yesterday and today as I was pretty busy.

I'm still moving on, that's a fact. I don't care about my tears anymore, I'm just thinking for Tomorrow.

Reading is one of the best habits.

I'm still not satisfied. I want more of that life. I need to live with a meaning, an ideal. I'll not die until I truly lived.

Day 17.

I'm confident. That's great.

It feels great sometimes to know that I didn't give up and that it was the greatest decision ever made in that life. I'll keep it.

Day 18

I've been learning interesting things these last months, having a big social circle is really rewarding if you know how to talk with people about their favorite things.

In the long run it's really about having good relationships with people. And be confident about it, that's what I've learned.

That's a great lesson from life. I hope that I will know how to live that life to the fullest. I ain't dead yet

Day 19

I got frustrated, and that led me to wanting to dwelve into pornography again.

Then I realised that what led to that frustration is the fact that I'm stepping out of my confort zone. Discovering new things is kind of scary and annoying when it doesn't go as planned.

So I guess that that feeling is, at the end of the day, quite positive for my growth ! I have to keep going the way I am. Even though I hate getting frustrated, I have to learn to calm down a little. Maybe I'll meditate.

Day 20

Another day of frustration. Less intense this time. But it was also a good day on its own.

I feel like I'm in a zone of danger. I have a kind of a passion for boxing. I'll start in a few months from now. I want to be a boxer, that's a dream of mine.

I chose to feel pain for having a better tomorrow, I've got a little bit of ambition. I want to feel alive.

I need that feeling. I need to take risks. I hate the view of that daily depressing routine they're trying to throw me in.

Tomorrow will be better

Day 21

It was a great day. Friday night is typically the day where I just want to chill out.

I have to work more and more though. Seeing how there's people out there working with passion hours and hours, it makes me want to be like them, even though I want to have a balance.

A boring routine would kill me, I'd really hate it. I'll never let myself in.

Day 22

Was a pretty cool day too. Don't have much to say.

Just your average Joe trying to touch his dreams with his very hand.

Day 23

It's becoming really difficult to deal with the urges. I'm trying hard to not let myself down and get knocked out.

I need to continue. I'll go another round.

Urges will come and pass. But I'll stay, and I'll change, and I'll be living and learning.

Day 24/1

I peeked. These last few days, those thoughts were there.

It wasn't a full relapse, not one which would keep me down and destroy me. But still, I consider that I peeked, so I'm resetting my counter.

I'll still be running, and it's a kind of new beginning for that journey. Another path I'll have to take in order to get to a greater place.

The fact is I'm improving. I'm excited for new opportunities. I have to build a strong willpower.

I'm not dead yet. Tomorrow is waiting for me. A greater purpose