Felipe's journal

PLEASE, DO NOT READ THIS TOPIC IF YOU ARE A NEW REBOOTER TRYING TO OVERCOME DANGEROUS THOUGHTS. I am sharing my obscure suicidal thoughts caused by extreme pornography use and I think that this can be dangerous for some people. There is also a strong language. I know I am a monster, but I still have 1% of a good heart. Continue reading only if you are sure of your emotional strenght.

I will try to describe my situation in detail.

First of all, I am sorry for my bad English. I am from an underdeveloped country called Brazil.

I am addicted to hardcore pornography since my 14 years old. I was born into a family in ruins. As my mother had turned into a degenerated teenager because of the divorce of my grandmother, she developed a taste for scoundrels, psychopaths and dangerous men.

My father was one of these dangerous/sick men. An aggressive drunkard with an explosive and jealous behavior ? with a history of crimes involving assaults, threats (when I was a baby, he threatened to dissolve my body in acid) and street fights. Because of this sick temperament, my mother lefted him when I was 4 years old.

Since then, I growed up without a father. With a very agressive mother and a hysterical grandmother. But my grandmother was (and still is) a sweet person ? the opposite of my mother because she beat me constantly for banal reasons ?. My only childhood friend was my neighbor (a girl 5 years onder than me). And I gained the rest of the affection for my uncles (Doug and Lucy). But I still remember the pain I felt to grow up without a father and I still have emotional problems because of this.

Now the environment. I describe my country as an erotic and playful society. Mostly erotic. A strong erotic appeal (or sex propaganda) in musics (children memorizing fake-poetry of sickly sexual fantasies), female clothes (ninety percent of finding a "porn actress dressed" walking freely through the streets) and in the language (it is common to find kids who see sex in simple things that people normaly say). This environment imoacted me more in my eight to 12 years old when I meet some "erotical kids" ? we talked a lot about sex in this age and, in my country, maturity means sexual maturity because most of adult people are very stupid and the average IQ of my country is 80 points! It is generalized autism!

I would compulsively jerk off before I even started ejaculating. But thinking only about women that I saw walking in the streets. And people induced me to think that it is normal. When I completed 11, I was moved to a teenagers school. Then, the sexual appeal got even more stronger. Teachers walking like porn stars and teenagers dancing erotically at school (we call this kind of music"Funk", but there is not of Funk and it is only porn-popular-music).

There was still some religious appeal (mostly Protestant) to keep the whoring out. But I abandoned religion because of atheistic propaganda (just as I blamed God for my lack of affection and the harm of not having a father by my side) just to live the pleasures. That was my big mistake.

When I got access to high speed internet pornography at my 13 ~ 14 years old, things got extreme. I would masturbate a lot. Both with pornography and thinking about the girls in my school. However, because of the extreme need of more exciting material, I developed sadistic sex tastes ("deep throating" and anal). The last straw was when I started masturbating watching transvestites. When I spent some time without internet access, I would masturbate in poor hygiene just to get pleasure. A rotten teenager doing rotten and diabolical things. I do not want to describe the details because it is something shocking, gore and I still tap on my skull today to forget the creature of hell I became. There came a time when I could not distinguish who was who in the pornographic images and it wrecked my mind in a profound way.

From 15 to 16 I began to convert to Protestantism. I had once shared illegal pornography (not knowing it was) and was much persecuted for it. The guilty feeling made me think about the monster I was and I realized that only a miracle could make me good. I still cursed God for being the devil I was, but I tried to make some effort to become good. But in vain. I managed to stay for a few months without pornography, but I compulsively masturbated thinking of a girl in my classroom (she used to dress up vulgarly and had the body of my favorite pornographic actresses, a covetousness took hold of me strongly). During that time, I started to learn other languages and started to create some healthy brain mass... Despite the deeply erotic behavior, I always stood out for being the smartest in my social cycles (among idiots, this is easy). In two years I learned computer programming and Linux and started my journey into the martial arts universe.

I know my weak points, but I know my strong too. Until last year I was pretty sure that I can administer an Unix system in a Jr. Level. But because my country is a fucking bureocracy hell, only those ones who have a fucking government stamp can get a job (self-taught are like trash in this country). Then I did not practiced anymore and now I am not even sure of my abilities. I am uneployed, my family is pressuring me to go away and my degenerated sister (a 23yrs that can not even write in his own fucking idiom, have a very low IQ and date only with degenerated dumbs; she can not even cook) humiliated me when I asked for help, and likened me to the hundreds of degenerate boyfriends who already fucked her ass.

A damn country that does not even recognize any talent of mine. Which led me to the erotic hell in which I am imprisoned. A broken family and a terrible emotional need. Lots of street sluts as irresistible triggers to throw me back into addiction. No friend or anyone with the least intelligence to help me get out of this goddamn hell. Failed reboots, studies done in vain, and an addiction that is getting even stronger, which is beginning to destroy my body in irreversible ways. Porn, pornlike-dressed-women (even in the church!), a fucking destroyed mind that can create harmful sexual thoughts. As I am unemployed, I have nowhere to run.

I lost all hope. I can not achieve my intellectual ambitions because I am already feeling the effects of irreversible blunting. On the religious question, I believe that I am the official representative of Satan in the church. If I die, I will go to hell until I am cleansed from the filth that I am. If I continue to live, I will only increase my pain. If I commit suicide, I will have to pay for it, but ... The situation is so out of control, hopes have been completely destroyed (I am already accustomed to seeing the lights go out and appear only to deceive me), that if I continue to live I will only increase my pain. I can not live like this! I feel ashamed, reduced to dust. Because of failures, I believe it is impossible to get out of this hell. I can not control it, it is much stronger than me. Just a bitch on the street to destroy my life. Psychologists and psychiatrists only make things worse (they encourage promiscuity!). I am nothing to anyone, if I die people will cry only for convenience. Or they will be glad that one more parasite has gone to hell.

What have I become? I do not have the strength for my undergraduate examination in martial arts, which I spent so many years training. It is all falling apart. My only hope is a Crossbow and a rope (if I do not die with the shot, at least I will be suffocated, because experts recommend using two methods of suicide at the same time).

I write this because I have no one else to hear my misfortune. I am still undecided while on suicide, but... this monster has to stop somehow. I know I wrote horrible things about my mother and my sister, but I love them! I would rather die than keep this shame on my family.

I do not have the strength to start over. I just want this to end...

I spent my last energies writing this. I am weak and I could not even make a quality report. I am in despair, hopeless and in a state where even suicide can not solve. I just want to be with God forever, but I'm unclean and I will not rest in peace. As I am a freak, my place is in hell. I am not sure if I am going to kill myself. But I have no hope even in my poor faith (that is dying with my dignity). I am very confused and I have nowhere to run.


PS* I changed the name of this journal to Felipe's journal in order to be more positive...

Day 1: Today I was lethargic, apathetic and without any thoughts about my situation. I just did a few jokes to avoid some thoughts and played some games. Cold as a psychopath and dumb as another brazilian. I do not know how I got to train today, but I got it. However, a few events changed my way of thinking: first, I recognized the love I always received from God (even being a such monster) and the good points about my family. And I did a charity act to help a boy who had stroke.

I do not like to ask for things to people and I feel that I need to retribute everything I receive. If I ask for something to someone, I think how to retribute. I hate ingratitude and injustice. I know I have lost my dignity and this just reinforced my need to develop the virtue of charity... I have got to pay in some way for my mistakes and develop the true love for humanity. The pornography, accompanied by Marxist ideas that infected my mind in adolescence, destroyed my love for humanity.

After this events, I created some courage to pray the Rosary in public asking for forgive and an exit to my mental-prision. Now I have purified emotions and no thoughts in suicide. Also I got a little bit of hope.

I am still trying to fight against the triggers. I am doing this with a violent method (cursing, mentally, all the whores I see). Now I have got to prepare myself to the abstinence effects. There is a long way to go.

Day 2: I did not sleep well. The fucking dog, property of my fat uncle, was barking all the night (even being beaten many times; a dog sent directly from hell). I had Only 4 hours of sleep.

I passed all day having porn-flashbacks and sexual desires (the price of pleasure and greed). At the end of day, I masturbated because of anxiety.

I will not blame the bad sleep because I choose this curse for my life.

Tomorrow I am going to do a martial arts test... I hope I do not ruin everything...

Day 3: I have the knife, master.

Last night I gave two pounds of ration to the fucking dog in order to have a good sleep to have a good health-state to my Taekwondo test ? It can sounds creepy, but brazillians are under the level of animals and they envy and hate people who can sleep well.

He stood like a ball and shit the whole yard. My uncle complained, but I do not care. Cleaning the yard is a fair punishment for leaving an entire family without sleeping well just to please some selfish taste. No one whants that fucking dog here!

In my exam, I was extremely insecure and tremulous. I do not have self confidence. However, by watching the video that my mother recorded, I noticed that I have some abilities! I did only a few mistakes, but I can see the beauty that I had never noticed... I got a "crazy" change in my body since I started to practice Taekwondo and Boxing. Now that I am practicing shoot, I am feeling like a soldier ha-ha-ha...

As well as it was funny, when my master said that he did not have a knife to test our armed combat skills, that I had one... I laughed... I have emotions ... It is bizarre, because I have always seen emotions like a little "spasm" (like a black box in algorithm design; I do not know what is inside, but I know what comes in and what comes out).

Also, yesterday, I received some praises for my "intelligence" ? However, I can not accept praises or something like that. I am stupid because I can not solve the problems and questions that still hurting me. I do not have the intelligence and body-control that I crave. If I really were smart I think that I would have the ability to share my experience, "emotions" and points of view in the same way that I see ? even for the dumbest audience, like women (I do not know in other countries, but women in my country are the dumbest creatures of the world!). I am not saying that for vanity, but because I actually saw someone else do it. I have seen a genius of psychology, with a solid intellectual formation unavailable in today's universities, "healing hysterics!" I believe I am just normal and ordinary in a country filled with crazy, sadistic and bestialized people.

In order to comemorate my progress, my mother took me to swim in a public pool. I have never swum before, but today I have learned how to do it!

Now I am trying to suppress the sexual desires that are appearing in my mind, because I received several stimul... But it is getting harder and harder. I am blaming myself for all mistakes I did today, yesterday and in my past. Also I am cursing all the demons in human-form who walked in my way ? my old-sister, for example. Because she is a 23 yrs old fat and ugly girl, without any skills and surounded by scums, she envy me. Because of this secret envy, when I was very depressed and losing my Faith, because the pornography and "sexual-revolution" of my country turned me into a psychopath who can not even reach any long-term objective, she passed by a good friend and used her mask of Christianity (false Christianity) to compare me with the scums who fucked her ass and to offend me. She knew what was doing and now I just want to see the God's justice throwing that fake christian in hell. Or just showing her misery of mind and making her suffer because of this. I gave her a chance to be a good person, but she choose to stay with the scums. The only thing I do not like is that she created a fake image of christian and a good girl but act like a demon (Messing with God's name)... I think this deception caused some overwhelming feeling that reinforces my addiction. I am sorry for my psychological barriers and defenses... But I am tired of the polished behavior.

I do not like to humiliate people, or to compare. Also I know how miserable I am. But when I look to the trash around me, in all my country, I feel a strong anxiety to cure myself of my addiction because I can not accept to be as miserable as these scums. I should develop mysel as much as it is possible for a human being. Because I want to really deserve to stay with real good people. It is sad to be in a demoniac form. And it is even more sad, when I need to trust in another people (family, psychologists, theologians and friends), to see that I am surounded by sub-human creatures. There are few exceptions, ofcourse. But they are old people who will die soon. Or good people who had their personality, intelligence and values corrupted by a hell of country.

I think this journal will be huge, but the good thing about these details is that they will serve as a basis for me to have a way to analyze myself in the future...

Perception event: My grammar is horrible! Also I am talking more of my personal problems than the problems I see directly related to the porn addiction. I have got to adopt a better style with some more rules... Just to ease the job of the researchers... I think that I am getting crazy and just writing nonsense

Day 4: Re-discovering feelings and abilities (like in other reboots). Recovering some very old memories. But very apathetic to the human suffering.

Just an ordinary day. Studies, training and procrastination. However, I feel some kind of freedom in my mind. 4 days without porn (just a few masturbations).

The only problem is that I am not experiencing good feelings. I can not feel empathy for human suffering. I just feel angry and see people suffering as if they deserve this and worse things. But I do not know if this is caused by pornography... However, I have feelings and this is something new (again). I noticed that the more sensible I get, the more I can access some memories.

Day 5: 50% of a good day.

I had a very nice sleep. I spent almost 3 hours on target shooting. I gifted my mother with the cosmetic she likes. I bought 2 excellent books...

However, as my life follows the rhythm of the Paradise Lost poem, I masturbated twice at the end of the day. No porn, but with sick fantasies. That fucked up with my studies and faith.

Once again I am having suicidal ideas and facing the feeling that I have lost my freedom... That feeling of loneliness and hopelessness... That I have no honor or dignity...

Day 6: Taegeuk Yook Jang.

10 hours and 45 minutes of a very good sleep.

It's been 6 months since the last time that my perception got so perfect.

I can hear and see more things in less time than before. Now my old memories are more accessible. My pride over the imbeciles around me turned into pity and love.

Also I noticed that I can enjoy music in a better way. I was so sad that I was able only to listen sad and angry musics (Requiem, Stabat Mater, Ariettes Oubliees, Heavy Metal, etc). Now I can enjoy more musical patterns like the ones composed by the Franco-Flemish School (Gilles Binchois, Machaut, Alexander Agricola, et cetera).

The energy is flowing and I can do more things. And guess what... I have not even had breakfast yet and I feel that I don't need to eat anymore! I feel the power flowing through my veins!

I feel a strong urge to do charity and fight... And I will do it. I'm gonna spend my energy in my training, studies and I will prepare a gift to my friend. Today I will learn the Taegeuk Yook Jang pattern...

I confess I masturbated a few times this week. But as I didn't watched porn, they just ceased my libid. Also, I need much more time to masturbate without porn. I do it only when I can't control my libid. However, the more time pass, more easy to control.

So, It's time to go back to my studies, training and gift my friend. Also I will try to pray the Rosary and to listen more classical musics. With all this energy, it's better to stay away from computers...

Day 7: I need my peace back.

That fucking dog again. Everyone in my family hates my uncle. Now hates even more because of this dog. Things got bad since this asshole arrived here. He's a fucking parasite. He uses his disabled daughter as a shield to not be put out of home.

The deal was simple: he should stabilize financially and leave. But not. He's parasitizing my grandmother and paying TWO FUCKING CARS INSTEAD A FUCKING HOME.

I still remember that when this asshole arrived here, he started terrorizing my family. Now he can't do it with everyone because he fears me (it's been some years that I practise martial arts). However, he threatens my grandmother and she just shutted up.

I hope he dies or go away.

Yesterday I've hurt myself in training and need to rest. But I can't because there's a fucking barking dog. Asshole, I think I will put fire in this dog...

Changing the subject, I need to stop masturbating when the urge comes. I stopped with porn, but masturbation is giving me some problems. Unhealthy sexual fantasies, extreme masturbation sessions that's hurts a lot and worst things.

So, I'm switching to the hardcore mode: no PMO. I would rather die instead of continue with this nightmare.

Now I'm going to search for some charity to do.

Same day, at night: Unhealthy and extreme masturbations.

I stopped with porn, but my body is trying to destroy me in another way. I'm hurting myself with gore and/or sick masturbations. I won't describe the details, but I can say that's something ugly, painful and it can manifest itself in various ways.

Usually, it starts with dreams. From dreams, pass to thoughts. Of thoughts, for fantasies and temptations. But to get into fantasies, it needs a trigger (like a sexy slut walking down the street). In order to avoid the worst case scenario, I say that I will just masturbate in 3 minutes and go away. However, here where the hell appears: to masturbate, I draw something. Then, 10~15 minutes drawing and feeding some fantasy. After draw, the masturbation session get's sick and completly anti-human. I just fall on the floor and start to squirm, roll, squeeze, scratch... totally out of my mind (as if it were not me who was doing it).

I have several scars on my back and genitals. I still remember the day I saw myself in a pool of blood... MY OWN BLOOD! HOW FUCK I DID THIS? I can't belive... To be a complete devil, I just need to kill someone... I fear myself, because I can't control the monster I have inside me... I fear for people around me.

What if this beast take the control over me? I need to kill myself... I know that this beast is me, so, I will burn in hell in anyway. So, it's better to burn for the mistakes I did to myself than burn if this monster do something to someone I love. He don't stop until he sees a pool of sperm or blood...

I created a monster.

Day 8: Bright and colorful dreams. Lethargic and energetic at the same time.

I've had lucid dreams all night. Brightness and super intense colors. It was about 11 hours of sleep and I still feel rather lethargic. However, despite the "lethargy", the world around me seems brighter, livelier and in much more detail. Everything is so brightful and beautiful at the same time.

It's like the day 6. But now things are flowing naturally (without scaring me in an intense way). As if it had always been so.

I feel that I won't go back to pornography. However, now my concern is sick masturbations. I need sto avoid them at any cost. Cold baths, constant prayers, anything...

Same day, 05:00 PM: Just avoided the worst case scenario.

2 hours being tempted to sick fantasies. Almost 30 minutes looking for "hot girls" on the streets in order to "masturbate healthy". And 5 minutes in a masturbation session. It's getting more easy to control. I still unable to avoid masturbations, but I can avoit the worst case scenarios if I have a good sleep. No suicidal thoughts.

Hello vampireskiller, I read through all of your posts and it felt very familiar to me.

Regarding fantasies and urges, may I offer a quote by a wise man who happened to be a lifelong voluntary celibate:
?The way to chastity is not to struggle directly with incontinent thoughts, but to avert your thoughts with some other employment, by reading or meditating on other things, or by converse, for he who is always thinking of chastity will always be thinking of women.? - Isaac Newton

Also, I agree with what you said about the benefit of nature, the mind needs wide open spaces to be healthy. Being stuck in an urban environment, where you spend most of your life in large boxes, is like a prison.

Day 9: Changing some habits.

I will pause my studies on Physics and Psychology. Now I need to focus on the "Poetic" part: Good Music and Good Literature. Only quality material. I need to build a solid foundation for my soul, and that foundation begins in Beauty.

I spent a lot of time as a barbarian and my change must happen in the most intimate of my being. Contrary to what is offered in my country, such conversion to Protestantism (or rather, false Protestantism, since what we have here is a shame to the Lutherans, Calvinists, et cetera), I need a Scholastic conversion. Something that acts in the most intimate of my being. Instead of eliminating my emotions and adopting robotic behavior, as proposed in Protestant environments, I need to purify my emotions so that I can live the virtues I admire.

It seems I've developed good self-control to avoid pornographic material. Despite the effects of abstinence, I've disgust for such material and avoid looking for it. I'm even using no-script instead of porn-blocker. Ill masturbations gave way to "healthy masturbations." Erectile dysfunction is over. I just need to learn how to deal with anxiety, depression and other withdrawal symptoms. In addition, of course, to purify myself and develop new virtues.

Answering Finw?

Despite the fact that sick thoughts are included in my posts, I hope you can find something good. As I'm writing to the public and, as you said, my experience sounds like something familiar, I have to do my best so that, although I've always been a bad example, I can be a good example to help someone.

I'm still recognizing my defects and learning how to deal with the pain. Also I'm still learning how to avoid bad thoughts and starting to develop the virtues I admire.

Thanks for your comment and thanks for sharing the quote.

Have a nice weekend.

---

Finw? said:

Hello vampireskiller, I read through all of your posts and it felt very familiar to me.

Regarding fantasies and urges, may I offer a quote by a wise man who happened to be a lifelong voluntary celibate:
?The way to chastity is not to struggle directly with incontinent thoughts, but to avert your thoughts with some other employment, by reading or meditating on other things, or by converse, for he who is always thinking of chastity will always be thinking of women.? - Isaac Newton

Also, I agree with what you said about the benefit of nature, the mind needs wide open spaces to be healthy. Being stuck in an urban environment, where you spend most of your life in large boxes, is like a prison.

Click to expand...

Day 10: Swimming and rest.

I passed the entire day swimming in heated water. It was so relaxing and now I'm feeling better. I'm having some urges and flashbacks, but I still can control it.

I'm going to sleep because I'll try to wake up early tomorrow.

Same night: End of Line.

I did destruct myself in a irreversible way. After a hot shower, I felt an uncontrollable urge to porn and masturbation. Then, I watched almost 12 videos of almost 5 minutes each. During this session, I repeated 12 times the same 30 seconds video (this video was in my mind the entire day until I watch). Also, I watched 2 minutes of a gay porn because the extreme heterosexual porn wasn't giving effect.

Isn't the worst masturbation session because when I was 14 I did a gore masturbation. The detaIls are shocking and gave me some scars in my body. However, this time I caused a considerable damage. Also, isn't the first time that I used objects to hurt my body.

I'll write the unhealthy details. But I advise the most sensitive readers to stop reading. This community was made to help those who want to stop porn addiction; the diary is a form of help recommended here. However, I still have some courtesy and try (even failing) to keep the reports as unbiased as possible and using a more "scientific" approach. That is, by providing only the data needed to assist in statistics (of how many viciates had father present, common triggers, social and family circumstances, et cetera).

I believe these kind of details are irrelevant and serve only for the purpose of psychological relief through confession. But I see that, moreover, there are likely to be some users whose addiction has left them in a situation similar to mine, and as one of us figure out the best way to overcome this great obstacle, everyone can learn from the experience gained. So, let's go to the data.

The worst time was when I was 14 years old. I started seeing pictures of women's butts. Over time, I discovered naked women's sites. It was during this time that I also found images of sex (vaginal and anal). After months of masturbating with such images, I began to watch various pornographic videos. Until I ended up in the most extreme categories involving sodomy, group sex, betrayals, lesbian tortures and scandals.

In this context, I was influenced not only by pornography, but by the popular music of my country (ie, sexual propaganda). The subject treated in schools (including by teachers), was also sex. That was the staff's favorite subject. Several fetishes and stories. A number of friends were tearing themselves apart in sex (some developing unhealthy fantasies) and some, not content with sex (of any kind), began using heavy drugs (starting with marijuana).

In addition to social conditions, my family condition is not the best. Pornography has always been a way to escape this cursed world. The people around me, apathetic as always, believe that this is normal and irrelevant.

So I had no moral trap to stop me from sinking even further into this evil universe. In addition to masturbation, I began to feed sexual fatasias by any woman I saw on the street. As well as I developed a natural revulsion and an indescribable disgust for the male figure. The height of greed was when I spent several years having sexual fantasies involving my own aunt who was like a mother to me! This is horrible! I must burn in hell for eternity for being such a freak.

But back in the heyday of the canalhice, at age 14, things started to get worse when I started watching transsexual videos and a bit more gore. Here are some sick fetishes: urinating on one's own body, twisting limbs and joints for pleasure in pain, forcing the spine to do oral sex and introducing objects into the anus. As well as using other objects to tighten the genitals, mutilate my body and other type fetishes.

I believe that this happened because with the passage of time, my brain was no longer able to discern who was who in the pornographic videos. At times I was the female body. In others, the masculine. In lesbian pornography, I was the torturer and the tortured at the same time. Using extreme and dangerous objects (some flammable, causing me to risk seriously injuring myself in some blast) so as to get pleasure.

It is worth remembering that the body of a 14 year old is not the body of an adult. An object inserted into the anus can cause irreparable damage. The scars from the cuts stay forever. Damage to the joints is almost irreversible. In one of the sick fantasies, I inserted a bottle of urine and sperm into my anus, twisted the spine and cut myself.

People asked me what horrible scars were those on my back and I simply replied that they were teenage stretch marks. But they are not normal stretch marks. They are a painful combination of scratches, cuts and the result of trying to have oral sex on myself. This damaged my kidneys (inflamed), stomach and many other internal organs. Causing damage that cost several months of medical treatment to be repaired and leaving severe sequelae.

Because I almost lost my kidneys, got spinal problems and got some (mild) infections, I was able to get away from the sick fantasies for a while. I was only with pornography and masturbation.

But this year (and last year), they came back in a lightweight way. Light twists, light scratches and cuts, small objects being inserted into the anus (but with extreme and painful repetitions), light mutilation of the genitals with loops, ejaculations all over the body (a few facials), and a mixture of all kinds of assisted pornography.

The male figure causes me repulsion and instinctive hatred. But the female figure is capable of spreading my most sick fantasies. I can not love or have natural feelings. This 10-day reboot made the monster wake up hungry and I do not know how to stop it.

Suicidal thoughts are back. I am a threat to myself and, in a way, I am beginning to become a threat to the people around me. When I ask for help, people simply say that this is nothing and that it is normal. A sick society. However, the good people around me are old and some are too sick. I can not worry about such a harmful addiction, because if I do, they will not know how to deal with it and they may get sick.

Only the scoundrels remained. They are included in the medical teams. In my family, there are degenerate people like my sister (who of human has nothing) that only make things upset. I have no friends and I have no hope of finding. The interests of young people are so pathetic and petty that I prefer my solitude rather than sacrificing my personality and ambitions just to stay with them.

I am more vulnerable to addiction because I am not in a favorable social position. My mission involves loneliness and pain. Addiction disturbs and my purpose is no promise of rest. But it's better than to continue as the devil I am.

I have no resources to deal with the pain, regret, and I fear this will continue for some time to come. I must stop immediately and cure myself of this addiction with or without help. But since I am not alone, I hope that God will do me the miracle of helping me ... But it seems that my place is in hell, I lost hope even in my faith. I know that's not the truth, but I feel that even God abandoned me. That even my creator can't cure me. I know that's not the truth, but I can't see another thing than this. I simply have no hope. I don't know a better algorithm that will help me. I don't know if is possible a person help me and I can't trust in anyone to do this. As I'll burn in hell for being who I am, the suicidal thoughts are just a way to stop the pain of the life and go to the pain of the death that I can't avoid.

I'll start another topic trying another reboot. I know that I can fail again and this loop can stay forever. But I'll not blame no one for my own faults and I can stop this monster with a headshot if everything fails... My life has no value anymore. I can't stop the monster I created. I'm a shame for everyone I love. My destiny is hell and I don't know why the fuck I'm still alive to see my decrepit body.

Help me...

Hello vampireskiller,if you just wanna talk with someone who is also dealing with porn addiction,mental problems and similar,you can email me at : [email protected].

[size=12pt]Attempt 3, day 0.[/size]

First of all, forgive me for not having organized my journals. I'm sorry for this inconvenience. So far I create one for each "Reboot" attempt. However, since my failures happen in short time intervals, I'll keep only one journal even recording such failures. I don't want to create chaos in this forum and I need to help with the organization. I'll try again to stay away from porn as well I'll try to keep the organization in my journal.

In order not to create more problems, I deleted the topic ?Attempt 2. I would rather use my computer as a 'makiwara' than watch porn again!?. In it I reported two ordinary days in which I managed to stay away from pornography and masturbation (until today at 09:05PM).

Now it's my 3 attempt. I hope that this time I can be a good example for those who are watching my progress. I'm grateful to the creators of this forum and everyone who are helping people to get rid of porn addiction. God bless you all. Good people, wish me good luck.

Attempt 3, day 1: Awesome intellectual progress.

Reading, writing, noting, rereading notes and reflections. 8 hours of intense intellectual work and understanding complex texts. All with a very good music in background. Then, at the end of the day, I walked with that fucking dog (I'll train him), played with my litle sister (the good sister, not the degenerate old sister) and watched a good movie. Now I'm writing all I've saw today in order to improve my memory. I had a little trigger (a fast look to a chick), some erotic dreams but they're weak and I can't remember them in detail.

Now I'm just dealing with my mental confusion and I don't know what's caused by my impure emotions and what's caused by bad external influences and problems. I just know that I should study the law and my religion to solve some personal questions and to get a sense of justice. Also I need to reprogram my brain in order to correctly agroup information, cause and effect. However, I'll keep the internal silence because there's a war inside me.

One thing at a time...