Recovery thread

Hi there. I am 18, i live in Russia. At the beginning i'd like to say that i am still learning english and i make huge amound of mistakes. I have never blogged on english. You are welcome to correct my language flaws, that would benefit me.
I am going to fight my addictions here, i have planty of ones. Now i want to deal with a few: porn, musturbation, smoking,doing alcohol and coffee. To clarify, i don't consider smoking, alcohol and coffee as something that can never be used. I concider it as drugs. The problem is that i use it too often and that i do it in a wrong time. I might want to use it very rarely in a special occations. Now, of course i am not going to do it for a very long time and decision whether i should or should not use it again must be taken when my core is rebuilt. Nothing similar about porn and musturbation: i don't want that to ever get back to my life again.
I don't count days without addictions, it doesn't seem to make sense at all. Well, it's been about two weeks since i last masturbated. Don't really know when i last smoked, used alcohol and coffee. By the way, would not do energy drinks as well.
That and following posts would be supplemented and corrected during my changes. I would've been glad to see feedback.

I earn my living by playing poker, now i also study trading.  I don't ever want to have relationship and sex (that might actually change, but at the moment it is so and i would not allow myself to change it for a long time until my core is rebuilt). I am still at school  and it takes much time (last couple of months and i would break free, but now i have to visit it, even though i miss a lot of days and lessons). I am not going to enter the university or ever go to the official job. That list will be complemented.

I would be completing tasks from recoverynation. Is there spoilers on your forum so i can hide my answers?
Lesson 1. It is not fully complited, and i would add much things here.
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A. Three keys to establishing a successful foundation for permanent change in early recovery are:
1) actively committing yourself to change
2) not allowing guilt/shame to sabotage your commitment to change
3) allowing yourself time to change.
Consider where you feel you are in relation to each of these recovery keys? Briefly share your thoughts in your Recovery Thread.

1) At the moment I vastly want to change as it would obviously benefit me in all fields of activity. However,  I would for sure face periods if dullness and dejection(further I would call it downswings), during which my priorities may change due to hormonal failures and other stuff and I understand that it will take much efforts and discipline to keep on recovering right way when facing such time intervals. Now I feel good, but it might change any day without my participation.
2) At the moment I rarely have a feeling of guilt and shame. It can (and likely will) show up when downswing comes. It influence my recovery progress worst way, and I must hardly fight against such feelings. I accept that it will take much efforts and concentration.
3) I want to progress as fast as possible, but I have an understanding that permanent and strong changes can come up in the long term. The longer I work qualitatively on it, the better results I would get, and the progress is permanent. I already feel decent progress and it pleases me.
______

B. Look deep inside and list ten to fifteen reasons why you seek to permanently change your life. Don't stop at three or four obvious ones, really examine your life and what is important to you
______
1) Getting rid of addictions will lead to more stable and better averaged mood. Mood changes would occur less often. I would face negative destructive emotions rarely.
2) Getting rid of addictions, having Improved my averaged mood and having made it more stable, will help me to get more work capable and let me realize my potential better way. When I am depressed, or just prepossessed to fast and severe mood changes I am unable to work permanently and diligently, so I can?t realize my potential effectively.
3) If I get rid of addictions, my brain would work more effective and multitasking. As time passes, my concentration and memory will strengthen, brain would become more enduring. I would be better at thinking in long-term perspective. (To be continued)
4) Getting rid of addictions would let me stop impulsive behaviors that are caused by addictions and it would improve self-control. Way too much nerves, health, time and money were wasted because of stupid, inconsiderate and injudicious actions. It can be avoided.
5) Getting rid of addictions would lead to health and general condition improvement. Masturbation and use of  stimulants affects badly not only in the long term, but also almost right after or right after the use. I get flaccid, weak and  apathetic. Insomnia occurs. Due to pornography and masturbation I got erectile disfunction. And that is at 18 years old.
6) Addictions cause decrease of sensitivity. The vigorously I get rid of addictions, the sharper my senses of smell, vision , hearing, touch, taste, coordination etc.  works. Being hedonist, I would get more pleasure contacting with environment. 

C. can not be done now as i still haven't found picture of myself when i was very young (like 4 years or so). I would do that.

Had a nervous day. Nothing about addiction, i didn't want to do something of that at all. It's all about work. Everything could go wrong way, i made stupid mistakes, my level concentration was low, but i got lucky, so now i don't feel bad. Howewer, i feel that now my condition is unstable, i go through mood changes and i can easily fall down to downswing. To avoid it i need nothing bad to happen in my life (other words, i need to feel that nothing bad is happening. It's the question of perception as well.). I need to concentrate, otherwise i would do wrong things, waste money and time and feel guilt for that. By the way need to start to work more. There are lots of opportunities, so i get to use it.
Have some problems with sexual fantasies. I don't really fight that, i actually don't know how to. That it is a problem, so i would make efforts to improve this situation.

Lol. Yep, i made stupid things, didn't get things sirious, was not contentrated, made lots of wrong desitions and i wasted money.  Now i do have a feeling of guilt and shame. It's like "i hate myself", "how can i be such a moron to not make conclusions and do same stupid things for such a long time" etc.
I don't like things, that happens to me. Actually i get that it is my fault. I could avoid it. It's not something that "happen to me" it's something that i lead myself to by my actions.
I guess, downswing has started.

Had a great day yesterday. Was in the country with my friends. Didn't ever want to smoke or do alcohol. It's been a long time since i felt that good.
I've read some threads on this site...
It seems like almost no one is able to stop musturbating(on the teen part of forum at least). I'll for sure be the one.
Also, i have a friend who does nofapping as well. We had a wager and if one of us relapses (i don't really think it would happen this time(or it wouldn't be me)), he would pay 25$ to his opponent. It would be motivating a bit.

Yeah! This 25$ bet works 8).

Actually, it really does.
Anyway, i feel depressed. Yesterday i made series of stupid expensive mistakes. Lost money.
Have to overcome this mess. I face mood changes, and it gets harded to stop fantasies. That may be the critical moment of getting rid of those addictions. First downswing is the hardest one. When it ends, everything will get much better.
Questions like "does it even worth it" come up from time to time. Well, awareness is still there. Don't want to lose 25$ as well. It's not about 25$ at all, it's about competition.
I just drink tea and feel fine now.

My awareness gets lower. I keep asking myself why i choose to do thit all. I would've probably relapsed already if there was no this 25$ bet.
I need to do second lesson at last.

Well, now i am going to describe situation that happens to me now.
Oh, my lexicon is so small.
I have lots of problems to solve. My awareness about musturbation got really low. I must not leave it lke that. If there was no bet i would have for sure relapsed already. Have to face it.
This week i lost big amound of money (about 700$) due to impulsive behaviors while trying to work. It is natural to feel upset about it. That is my fault and now i get to solve it. I underrated the difficulty of getting rid of musturbating and fantasies and i overrated my ability to battle it.  Lucky for me not to relapse. It was not healthy recovery anyway.
I smoked for last 3 days. At least i didn't use alcohol. Tomorrow i would start dropping out smoking again.
The only way to get better and start to feel better is starting to take control of my life, my mood, my actions and thoughts.
I am really close to fail. If i would fail, my life would turn into hell. If i don't, everything will be okey.
I must make conclusions of what happened.

I feel much better. There are no strong fantasies or urges. By the way, i have won 25$. I don't know if i should be glad about it becouse it happened when a friend of mine relapsed. I didn't expect that.
We made a bigger bet of 50$ and he starts over.
My mood is high and i feel good. At last i am able to work. So, as it is, i should at last start doing second lesson. When bad times come i must be ready, so i'll be able to overcome it much easier. I am really glad i didn't relapse at musturbating! Giving up smoking is kind of easy. I still didn't use alcohol or coffee, that's cool.

Hi Bro!!!
I understand that is not easy to overcome your addiction,BUT,all people here are fighting,surviving!!!
Keep yourself busy all time,read more,learn more!!!
????????? ????? ????,?? ? ?????!!!

???????!
Yes, that is hard sometimes. I am glad that i overcame first downswing. It would be easier to overcome following ones.
Keeping myself busy helps. Laziness is devil's weapon.

I'm fine. I write second lesson slowly, but i don't want to hurry. Felt a bit sad and apathetic at the beginning of the day. Then i decided to visit aquarium by myself and i had a good time. Then i switched to reading, and then i decided to go to sleep. There is no point to feel bad: it is way better to change your mood. Without the use of stimulants, that affect badly in the long term, but using the world around, that turns out to be curious if only you look. It would affect the right way.

Things get worse, but i don't jerk off, i have almost no urges and i just feel euphoria, and it's like



Well, i feel disappointment when i look back into my life. No goals were ever achieved. Now i have nothing in the end.
I just have to face it. I see no point to try to perceive it another way or something else. The only good point is that i could possibly make some conclusions but, like, lol, did it really worth all that time? It didn't.
I told myself that everything is going to be changed a bunch of times.
I don't even think i should think about it now as it only makes be become depressed and disappointed. That affects my mood and actions and it only gets worse.
Oh, i want changes.

I didn't relapse in musturbating and using alcohol and coffee, but i actually started to smoke again.
I'm feeling okey.

I'm smoking as well and it helps me to stay focused. Does it helps with your reboot?

I don't know if it does, but anyway i need to give it up as it really harms me. I started to have headaches, my senses work worse etc.
I start today.

FragrantTea said:

I start today.

Click to expand...

Start of course. I cant relapse at smoking because I don't smoke at all. So I relapse only at nofap, lul. Anyway you won! 

Yep, 50$ appeared on my bank account few hours ago and i can't say i feel sorry about that.
Today i had some urges to smoke, but it was easy to overcome it.
Upd. In the evening we made a new bet of 50$. The one who relapse in masturbation will have to pay.