My struggles with PTSD, Asperger's and porn

Dear all,

I just wanted to start a journal and have a place to put down some of my frustrations/anxieties.

A little bit about myself:
- I'm 29, from the Netherlands and epileptic (though I have been seizure-free for almost 13 years now), for which I have spent 5 months in hospital (when I was 17).
- I figured out last year that I suffer from a porn addiction when it started interfering with my work (thinking about it at work, one time even late to work because of watching porn). It started when I was 20. I fucked up my knee when playing football (soccer), and I lost the one place where I could vent all my frustrations at how unfair life was, how angry I was, how insecure I felt about myself and my feelings. From then on, my porn consumption steadily grew.
- For over a year, I have been unable to quit completely and go without porn for longer than four weeks max.
- Figuring I needed professional help for my depression, anxieties and my stress, I started going to a psychologist a few weeks. A lot has become clear since then. After a personality survey (300+ questions), it turns out that I suffer from autism spectrum disorder (ASD), severe PTSD (mainly my 5 months in hospital with the recurring flashbacks and panic attacks) and possibly a personality disorder.
- Other issues in my life include: fear of attachment, fear of abandonment, self-loathing, avoidance issues and problems with emotional regulation.

My psychologist told me he thought porn was a problem for me, but more a result of my past than anything else. He said people with both ASD and PTSD run a much higher risk of becoming addicted to something and that it's partly genetic. He also told me not to view myself as a weak person, but rather to view my addiction as a way of coping with life and my PTSD, and that I simply needed a different coping mechanism.

He asked me when I usually watch porn, and I told him it's always in the morning, when I'm still in bed (and after nightmares). Being autistic means I have strong need for structure, and binging on porn in the mornings has become part of my "structure". It's true, I get stressed and anxious when I don't follow my (extremely rigorous) structure, so I need to change my structure, and for an autistic person, nothing is harder than change. But it is possible if I'm committed and honest about being stressed and anxious.

So, I'm autistic, suffer from severe PTSD and I'm still addicted. I go to a psychologist, which helps, but I still feel very alone in this. I feel I can't tell my girlfriend since she's already puts up with a lof of shit because of my issues. Is there anyone that can help?

Best,

Niels

Hey, man, welcome to the group!

I've gotten a lot of good help here, and I'm always happy to see another person join.

I think you're right on about porn being a coping tool. It took me forever to realize that I was using it to deal with negative emotions. One big job that we have is to find healthier ways to deal with bad emotions and stress.

Of course, there are lots of things that go into recovery, but have you tried meditation? I started it a few years ago, and it has really helped me to make progress on dealing with my thoughts and feelings and fighting this addiction.

Hey,

Thanks for welcoming me!

It's definitely a coping mechanism. Hindsight is 20/20, but I realise now that, having Asperger's, my brain easily gets overstimulated from social interactions/new impressions. It gets "too much" sooner for me than most other people. My coping tool used to be football but when that fell away, porn gradually replaced it. I'm an active jogger/gym member, but that just doesn't seem to do it for me.

My psychologist advised me to force myself to get out of bed each morning, now matter how shitty I felt. He told me to "reward" myself for getting out of bed when I was feeling depressed or it felt like it was all becoming too much. That way, I would get a different structure. Maybe subscribing to a newspaper would be a solution for me, then I have a reason to get out of bed plus I change my structure.

Thanks for the tip! I haven't tried meditation yet, not seriously anyways. I've done it once, and I couldn't empty my mind and after 5 minutes figured it was stupid and wasn't for me. How does it work? Is it really possible to close yourself off from your surroundings and not think?

Niels

Welcome! Fellow aspie addict here

I see you have recently found out a lot about yourself.

1) Please use every bit of public health care that you can. This forum is an amazing mutual help group in addiction recovery, but really nothing more. I attend a developmental disorders group every week at my psychiatrists and it helps a lot in making me feel less alone.

2) Being open to my girlfriend has been really helpful in my case. Having ASD and Narcissistic Personality Disorder, I learned that I had been misinterpreting her words quite often, and realising this has humbled my ways of communication.

Take great care of yourself. Here's a virtual hug! *hug*

PinkFloyd said:

Thanks for the tip! I haven't tried meditation yet, not seriously anyways. I've done it once, and I couldn't empty my mind and after 5 minutes figured it was stupid and wasn't for me. How does it work? Is it really possible to close yourself off from your surroundings and not think?

Click to expand...

Anytime! For me, at least, the goal isn't to empty my mind (I think that's impossible). However, the practice of sitting still and trying to focus on one thing, like the breath, has helped me over time to become much more aware of my thoughts as they're happening and to redirect them in gentle ways. In other words, spending some time each day trying to focus on just my breath (and having to refocus on it every few seconds) has helped me to get better at recognizing thoughts that lead me to porn and then moving my focus to something else. Meditation has helped me to become more self-aware and has given me some tools to develop better self-control. It's probably a lifelong process, but it has really helped. Plus, there are lots of studies (I don't have links, but you can find them) that show that meditation has positive effects on people recovering from addictions.

I'm also working on getting out of bed in the morning! I'm getting better at it, but I like the idea of having a reward for myself, some reason to get out of bed beyond just knowing that I should. Thanks for the idea!

BlueHeronFan said:

Anytime! For me, at least, the goal isn't to empty my mind (I think that's impossible). However, the practice of sitting still and trying to focus on one thing, like the breath, has helped me over time to become much more aware of my thoughts as they're happening and to redirect them in gentle ways. In other words, spending some time each day trying to focus on just my breath (and having to refocus on it every few seconds) has helped me to get better at recognizing thoughts that lead me to porn and then moving my focus to something else. Meditation has helped me to become more self-aware and has given me some tools to develop better self-control. It's probably a lifelong process, but it has really helped. Plus, there are lots of studies (I don't have links, but you can find them) that show that meditation has positive effects on people recovering from addictions.

I'm also working on getting out of bed in the morning! I'm getting better at it, but I like the idea of having a reward for myself, some reason to get out of bed beyond just knowing that I should. Thanks for the idea!

Click to expand...

A lot of thoughts go through our heads all day long but usually we don't really pay attention to them. However, the truth is that the thoughts make us feel things. When you stand still and close your eyes, you don't focus on anything else and can actually pay attention to everything that's going through your head. I've done this and I was dumbfounded about all the things that popped up in my mind: All kind of thoughts, fragments of songs, images etc. All those have a lot to do with how we feel during the day. Like this, you identify what thoughts lead you to doing certain things. Also, meditating by focusing on your breath and trying to brush away the thoughts, helps the brain relax. Have you ever felt relaxed when 1000 thoughts went through your head just like that? I doubt it. And I guess focusing on your breath helps you develop a better concentration ability. If you can concentrate only on your breath and not on all the thoughts, this is good. In the beginning, when you try this, you see how easily your focus jumps to thoughts.

Sup, Pink FLoyd?

I have equal experiences like you, but in my case it was Basketball, that was replaced with porn. In one year I broke one Hand and had a bands tore on my right foot. After that  I never really came back to my old skills. I tried it for one season , I was still good, but Fapping already damaged my Dopamin centerl. It didnt made that fun anymore.

you are not alone in this. Keep fighting the good fight!