understanding porformance anxiety

I have perplexed over this for some time. My husband has had off and on PIED for most of our marriage. I have read a lot on here and I have noticed that PIED and performance anxiety and hard to tell where one ends and the other begins. One thing I don't understand is why men seem to put sexual performance on such a pedestal? Most of the woman I know would much rather connect than just have the relationship be about sex. Sex is only one part of a bigger picture of what relationship is. Unless your just about getting laid....then yes I guess in that instance it is just about sex, lol. So please help me to understand why is this such a big deal? And how can I support my husband to feel better about himself and who he is? I don't care about PIED or any of that crap. I just want him to feel good. Most of the time when men get anxious it just makes their erection worse. How is that for irony? Seems to me putting in on that pedestal is just making everything worse.

PA dosnt usually kick in on ur own.... if u M on ur own and still struggle you could be PIED.
Loss of morning erection is usually a good indication also as its not something we do conciously. Its a part of the bodys "testing" us. 

I can only speak for me, but, even though I'm far from an alpha male, and really don't define myself by my masculinity, my ability to "deliver" in the bedroom is at the core of my psyche.

There is a school of thought that suggests this is an increasing problem, as male only roles in society are being rapidly eroded. The one thing that only a man can do is be a man in the bedroom.

Another possible explanation is that it's a throw back to our primitive selves. Our role was to provide and procreate. Our simple brains (?) still only look for those 2 things.

I, for one, agree with you that sex is only part of a bigger picture. But it is a very important part.

Having had to seek medical assistance via IVF to enable my wife to conceive (as I have a very low sperm count) I've had to deal with a lot of these self esteem and identity issues. It's not easy. I'd just keep letting your husband know that you love him regardless, that there is more to your relationship than sex, that his ED does not define him or make him less of a man or less desirable.

Good luck with everything

Yes, I agree with Firstbigstep - even though I'm not an alpha male either, I've still bought into the idea that as a man I should be able to perform in bed. I don't mean in a stud / porn way, but getting an erection when required.

It's the stress of that implicit assumption / belief which produces the anxiety and lack of performance. Personally I also have (negative) feelings about being judged negatively, which is probably the other side of the same coin.

I know what you're talking about... But the honest answer from me is that he cannot help it. I go through phases of being horny as hell with pure passion and full erection for my gf, but then for a week I feel anxious, unlovable and libidoless. Trust me, when we are like this we want nothing more than to connect... But we can't, because porn has messed with our heads so much that we simply can't on some occasions. We've indulged in dopamine binges for years and our brains and desires get confused. It's not intentional, it appears random. But we are healing addicts. Persevere with your man, things hopefully will balance out. The anxiety, flight or fight is a stressful response which he is going though and whilst it's hard for you, I guarantee it's 1000x  worse for him.

I am not worried about myself. Even if he had PIED for the rest of our marriage I would still stay because I love him. I don't care about this penis is much as I care about him. I wish there was something I could do to help him understand how great he is and to help him not base his confidence on a part of his body. Its just silly. Is there something we (and by we I mean all humans) can do to change this way of thinking? It really is a destructive thought process. I want more than that for him and for my son!

Hi Aquarius25,

I have always felt a bit atypical as a guy. From an early age, I've always identified my thinking as being more female than male. I'm not going down the "trapped in the wrong body" route; just that I've always had an interest in things psychological and have undertaken a lot of lightweight analysis of my attitudes. The outcome has always suggested that my thinking is more typical of female thought patterns than male ones.

Yet, despite this (which is something I'm completely comfortable with, btw) and the fact that I think I am pretty non cock centric in my thinking, it IS a very deep, primitive, primal thing. Rationally it makes no sense, but I think it IS right at the core of what we, as guys, are here for.

To be blunt, it's the 3 Fs - food, fighting and f***ing. Modern society provides the first in abundance with no real effort, forbids the second for the most part, which leaves just the third. If that's not going well, for whatever reason, it leaves us feeling pretty much redundant.

My experience has been that talking it over, being absolutely non-judgmental, finding ways to be intimate that don't rely on an erection, building a safe "bubble" around the two of you when you are together all make a huge difference. Care about your husband's performance as much as he does, just don't worry about it - there is a difference! I get that it's hugely frustrating for you but that can be the start of a vicious circle.

As for your son... not knowing how old he is, I don't feel able to offer any advice. I'd be happy to give advice with more information.

Good luck to you and your husband with your reboot programme.

Thank you FirstBigStep. I appreciate the feedback. My son is 9 now. I read the journals in many categories and have noticed that some of the men here started PMO'ing around that age. I can't even imagine him thinking of this stuff much less having an understanding of how to do it. With the culture we have today (we are in the States, but it's pretty much the same globally I think) what steps can I take to make sure my son is confident in who he is. I would hate for him to grow with his confidence to be based on a part of his body. I also don't want to see him repeat the mistakes of his father. I want so much for him to just be healthy, happy, and kind.

Hi Aquarius,

OK - bear in mind that...

a) I have a daughter, not a son. (she's 11, btw)

b) I'm not an expert in these matters, this is all just my personal take on things.

c) Being 9 was a VERY long time ago for me!

The world is hugely different from when I first encountered pornography and I hope my thoughts reflect the new reality.

Your son is 9. I don't know what access he has to the internet. My daughter didn't have her own device(s) until she was about the same age. She then had a low spec tablet with all parental controls installed. This progressed to a laptop, and she now has a low end smart phone. In addition, she has a Chrome book from school. So she's very much a connected kid.

What we've tried to do is go down the education route as far as we can, based on the theory that if you do it all by app and blocker, she doesn't learn any strategies or boundaries of her own, ready for the time she has to excercise her own control. There are blockers on the router (note to self, must update that!)

Knowing what I do about the plastic nature of youngsters' minds and the HUGELY addictive nature of porn for some, if not all who stumble across it, I'd try to monitor all his internet access. I'm now going a bit off piste - but I'd have a conversation with him about masturbation, maybe not just yet, but as soon as puberty rears its head. All boys are likely to masturbate, but I'd suggest that you might want to explain it in a parallel to something like thumb sucking - it's something you grow out of. I know that society currently doesn't see it that way, but it might just help him to not end up with a PMO habit.

I wouldn't let him know about your husband's issues with porn. But I definitely would tell him about the fact that some people DO get too involved with porn and ruin aspects of their lives as a result. The other thing, which is something I've discussed with my daughter, is that the portrayal of both men and women in porn is completely unrealistic. I don't know what your family rules on nudity are, but if he sees normal people naked, he might understand a bit more about the reality of the human body.

If you support him in all aspects of his development (and I'm sure you would) particularly areas that are a) important to him and b) are maybe less traditionally "male" hopefully he will develop a more rounded identity and thereby perhaps be less likely to end up fixated by his male ness.

None of this is based on anything more than my own experiences and observations. If anything else comes to mind, I'll pass it on.

Whatever happens, two things to remember - you will do the best you can with the information you have at the time; and you'll always have support here.

Good luck and much love.

Stuart