Depression

Emerald Blue

Well-Known Member
I feel I have to say this. Because of all the porn crap and the aftermath of blowing the lid off the problem in my relationship I've hit the wall. I'm clinically depressed from trying to deal with it. It's such a huge problem, or rather, the problems that a porn addiction can mask can be huge. It's made worse by having a partner who lied every which way about his habit, and then got angry with me for discovering what I did, for asking questions, for being upset by his lying, for talking about it in the first place. His porn habit annihilated my self esteem and sense of self worth. As much as I try to build it up, my self confidence is so fragile and easily broken. I have lost my identity as a woman. I don't even feel like a real woman any more. Something had to give and not unsurprisingly it's my mental health. It's depression and it's an illness. I need to follow my own advice and look after ME. Please look after your own emotional health as best you can because you need to be so strong to deal with this shit.
 
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uglyduckling

Guest
I'm so so sorry to read this Emerald Blue. I can relate to your feelings. Last summer was really tough for me. I went through a period where I would just lay around for days and weeks at a time. I still have days like this. They are fewer and farther between, but just getting outdoors and walking has helped me tremendously. Something about the sunshine and fresh air is very cleansing and healing for me.

This porn addiction is harmful to us as partners. It rocks us to the core of our very being. Our partners are so completely unaware as to the devastation of our self esteem and self worth. It makes us question everything we have ever known about ourselves and our relationship.

Please continue taking care of yourself as best you can. Please reach out whenever you need. Hugs!
 
L

leftfootforward

Guest
Hi there Emerald Blue.

Also really sorry to read this. I find your posts to be some of the most thoughtful and constructive of any on this site. You're clearly going through an awful time with things, but just by sharing and discussing things on here, you're doing something that is hugely positive for yourself and for others (even if it is hard to believe that from where you are right now).

Your partner clearly has issues he needs to sort out. Has he spoken to anyone about his issues with porn and the relationship issues it has caused? Is he willing to? Also, personal question but how old are you both and how long have you been together? Just would help to understand the context of your relationship and how this may be affecting you both.

You sound like a fantastic person and if he's got anything about him, he won't want to hurt you and risk losing something, and someone, who is clearly someone worth a lot more than what she's going through right now.

My therapist once said a client had said to her "Today I have no hope, except the hope that tomorrow I will have some hope." I'm usually not one for quoting things at people but if human history tells us anything, it's that there is always hope if you look hard enough.

Keep going. It will get better.

 

Emerald Blue

Well-Known Member
Thanks everyone  :)

uglyducklng, I've got that "can't be bothered" syndrome because dealing with all of this just saps all the energy I would otherwise be diverting into my creative projects. I know it's the way to go but I just can't seem to get my mojo working on it.

LFF, thank you for your kind words. We're middle aged and we've been together 20-odd years. I know he loves me and he really believed his habit wouldn't damage me or our relationship. He really was oblivious. He said he wanted to quit but he couldn't stop himself going back to it. It was only through making a commitment to me about quitting that he could actually do it. I think he really does want to overcome his underlying issues and seeing a professional therapist would be beneficial. I'm not sure he's quite ready for it though. I think he's in denial about some of his problems. I'm prepared to have couples counselling at some point in the future but if he holds back and doesn't admit to some of his behaviours then it would be a good opportunity squandered.

One problem I have with him is that he expected these problems to be solved quickly. He seemed to believe that if he only admitted to the bare minimum and omitted to tell me the rest then it would be over and done with, but it's not like that. I had to know what I was dealing with re the porn addiction, and I also wanted to know what was the big deal about, what was so great about porn and what did he get from porn that he couldn't get from me. What a can of worms that was. I found out more about him than I bargained for. I also found out that this was a man who would lie to me outright after agreeing to be honest with me if I had any questions. Apart from once, and I really mean once, he answered every question with a lie. After I uncovered evidence he would gradually revise his answer to one that minimized his behaviour. There are still some things he has not admitted to even though the evidence strongly suggests otherwise. I just had to accept that he's going to lie no matter what. It's not good. It's not right. But the past is in the past. The real test will be if he lies in the future.

So after all this, I'm left with a man who is basically a good person but with some difficult flaws. I've always known he was damaged goods. His upbringing was very troubled.

His expectations about how quickly we'd get over this was entirely unrealistic. He'd get angry if I was upset, angry if I spoke about it, always angry at me, telling me I couldn't let it go. He didn't handle the situation well. He acted like a kid who'd been caught with his hand in the cookie jar. It was bad enough putting up with 15 years of porn addiction, 15 years of rejection, 15 years of disrespecting my feelings about it, 15 years of disrespecting my body. And then it was all the lies, all the anger. I guess there comes a times when you reach a tipping point where your brain, your mind, your body shouts "enough". So here I am, clinically depressed.

To his credit, he he has quit. He's smart enough to recognise the toll that his habit has taken. He's aware of the underlying issues.

I don't think most porn users understand what this behaviour can do to the partners. So much of it is about taking away from us. Taking all that energy from the relationship, and all that sexual interest, all that time, all that thought, and worst of all, taking all that trust and trashing it. It's like taking all your money out of the bank and running up a massive overspend. Only it's the partners who are the ones who have been paying for it all along. It drains us absolutely.


 

Steam rolled

Active Member
Dearest EB  you are a smart and wonderful person and have done some great things for people I'm sure whether you know it or not you have!  And I'm so sorry that you feel the way I do  and have for almost 2 years ,  with that I have been having a hard time responding to this thread depression.

I have no answers because I am in deep like chipping at a brick wall with a toothpick so I am not very much help .
But I can tell you this - letting this go on as long as I have has done me no good and has gotten me nowhere,  so far my SO  is still clean from pmo and I'm pretty sure of it  but my brain just won't turn off the negative and the paranoia and it will drive a person insane as it has and is.

All I could suggest to you is counseling with you and your SO,  we tried it but it was too early in the stages to where I would last a day or two and then just fall back into the deep depression and it just continued and continued to where it became to me a waste of time .  Really regret that I did not follow a lot of what she said because here I am almost 2 years later and days I wish I was dead still.

My SO has told me he will do anything to make me feel better anything it does not matter and I am just blank at what he can do -he's  done what I want stay away from PMO hes a binger.

But it's not just easy -like you have said all those years being together and this going on behind our backs it's almost like you feel like you've been living with a person you didn't even know.

Now I've got a new person and I love him even better but it's so hard to break that where have you been why why why !!!
We have to do what they have done if they let go of PMO and put it in their past we have to put it in our past to.  You know I'm not saying ever let your guard down because I never will. 
And with that being said I think I have brainwashed my own self in many ways.
Don't let this be you !!
Figure it out you are a very smart person you can get through this.
I even think I can.

Even if you have to take some antidepressants for a while if that will help slow the thoughts down it is better than going through life feeling like you do.
Xoxoxox


 

Emerald Blue

Well-Known Member
Thanks a lot, SR. Your words are very encouraging. I'm glad that my thoughts and feelings and experiences of dealing with this porn issue is helpful for some people.

I've started a course on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy specifically for depression. I would consider ADs too but I'll give the CBT a try for now.

I'm feeling better today than I did yesterday but my mood can be changed by a triggering thought, often to do with aspects of his porn habit, especially realising how I had no idea about how interested he was in it. It was almost like a hobby, if that makes sense. At least that's what it looks like from my outsider's perspective, and perhaps it's that feeling of being an 'outsider' in your own marriage that is just so disturbing.

SR, I think you are right to always be on your guard. This is an addiction we are dealing with here. Regardless of what the medical and behavioural experts call it, it's a compulsive behaviour that's hard to stop once it becomes the primary sexual 'relationship' in someone's life. It's hard to quit and relapses happen. The opportunity for acting out is always there. The internet is here to stay. Our partners' habitual porn has created new pathways in their brain that may become weaker when the habit is broken but they don't go away, just like learning piano scales as a kid you'll always remember how to do it. Sexualised imagery is everywhere and it seems that those brains that have been trained by seeking out internet porn are super efficient at locking on to it. The 'addiction' never  goes away. That's why it's so unsettling to live with a recovering PA. He's been off porn 8 months or so and only now is he beginning to realise that he's always going to be vulnerable to it. He knows that he has fucked up his brain. He knows it's an addiction. He knows he was using porn as an unhealthy coping strategy for all manner of emotional issues. But you know and I know that it's up to our men to step up to the plate and take control of their behaviour. And if they don't, we are back in the shit swamp all over and there's nothing we can do to stop them acting out. We can't control them etc etc.

It's that feeling of having done all that work on rebuilding your relationship, all that work on building up your self esteem and daring to believe that maybe you still are that attractive woman, and maybe sex and intimacy can be part of your life again, only for someone or something to destroy what  you've invested so much hope and optimism into. Gone in an instant. And you might not even know about it either.

I just don't think there's enough info out there for partners going through this. We are all pretty much the pioneers. We're probably the first generation to experience the impact of long term porn use on long term relationships and marriages. We don't have a road map to tell us how to get through this and what to expect. That's why it's so damn hard.

 

Steam rolled

Active Member
I wish I could've put everything in better words like you did because you are spot on.
We really need more groups where women can get together and discuss these feelings with each other I searched and searched for groups locally and they do not exist as of yet but stay tuned they are bound to  exist with time , personally I could see you EB as being a good speaker.
Right now you need to deal with you and is helping us help you it's appreciated believe that! N

I totally agree that our generation is the one that is going to bring all of this to light it is horrifying  and it's coming to light slowly but surely I see it on the news daily and on talk shows etc. etc.

I do believe a lot of the sexual assaults and crimes sexually related can be solved by porn Use and is only getting worse when it comes to neglect and abuse of women  all the way down to criminal acts in order to satisfy do to porn-  The famous last words it will never happen to me or I would never do that !!!  As long as you are in an addiction those are just words.

When you're the wife of someone that you thought you knew with all of your heart and find out that they're not the person that you thought that they were anything becomes possible isn't that a shame we have to think this way.
It's a daily or even hourly occurrence and I guarantee it has got to be related but everyone is so hush-hush about their little secret as you said hobby -  not only is it a hobby it is also a job  full-time job.
My SO told me that it ate at him day and night constantly along with running a business  that now amazingly has now doubled the  amount of work and double the amount in our bank account then there was bingeing on PMO.
Trust me I checked and checked and rechecked  our Bank account over and over trying to see if there was money being spent on this addiction and no there wasn't -there was time after time time time being spent on this addiction which in return took our business and slowly brought it down.
doing business  takes time  and concentration and when you are in a trap of PMO you are not fully concentrating on what you need to do to make a better life -  but rather  wasting time trying to find a better video!  You know the videos with the same beginning in the same ending just a different person that don't give a shit about you,  only what you got!
I'm not afraid to bring it up in person to someone and my SO has on a couple of occasions it's like he's almost proud of being able to get out of the trap ...... Because when you realize your life is going into the sewer  with them ....snap you wake up if you really want to change!!!!!

Now I just have to try to figure out how a man in his mid-40s who have been watching this trash his whole entire life is all of a sudden just going to completely eliminate it,  and it's thrown in everybody's face on a daily basis.

Or do we just go on with life take it day by day and hope that all this work was not a waste of time  but would only be a waste of time in a failed relationship.
Because just being here on this site if I can help one person or if I piss one person off I don't care I'm getting it out there that this needs to be under control not out of control any longer.

And that it's not fair that wives and girlfriends do not have a choice whether to except or deny this behavior in their lives!!!!
If you do  find a woman who excepts this type of behavior all I can do is suggest
good luck with that and proceed with caution

I guess I better get out of here I think I'm starting to get a little crazy. :)
Xoxo ALL !
 
Emerald Blue,

You have the mental resources to work through this and come out of it even stronger. I have been reading your posts, and you clearly have what it takes to get through something like this. I wish you all the best and will continue to read your posts :)
 
L

leftfootforward

Guest
Hear hear. Emerald, has your husband seen this site? Does he not think something like this might help him? There are also a couple of great books I've read on the subject that are very accessible - The Porn Trap (Wendy and Larry Maltz) and also In the Shadows of the Net: Breaking Free of Compulsive Online Sexual Behaviour. Just make him read them. They're eye opening but very balanced and unbiased in their approach.
 

Emerald Blue

Well-Known Member
Hey everyone

Thanks for your replies. My man is as clued up porn and the brain chemistry, he admits it was an empty experience and that he doesn't want to go back there. At the same time he knows it's an addictive behaviour and he's susceptible to it happening again. He doesn't want to, but he knows that some men relapse after a few years having done all the right things. I guess he's afraid it could happen with wrong combination of circumstances and opportunity. It's not the rational, sensible part of the brain that drives the behaviour, he says. His thinking brain seems to wake up after acting out and then he was thinking "WTF?" and feeling bad about it. I've read similar accounts on here and YBOP. He's as clued up as the best of the recovering PAs I've read about.

SR: Yes, this behavior saps the life force out of these guys. It drains them of all their drive, their energies, their emotions. Now he can see just how much zest for life was frittered away on nothing. Although it may be the case that there is no emotional involvement with another person or even a pretend "person" there seems to be a considerable emotional involvement with the habit and its routines and rituals, including the concealing of the evidence. You see it a lot in the guy's forums, about how they take up a new interest or get back to doing something they used to enjoy, or like your husband, concentrate on working smarter and reaping the rewards. From our perspective, when our men were on porn, we sensed their absence not just sexually but in many other ways. Even odd jobs around the house that needed fixing weren't even noticed any more.

It really isn't right that we cannot let out guard down against this threat to our most important relationship. Sure there will be women who go along with their men using porn and if they can incorporate it into their relationship in a 'healthy' way then good luck to them. I'm not one of those women. For him, it was always a secretive activity which began as an escape from a difficult and lonely home life as a teen. He never wanted to do the "let's watch it together" thing. For him, it was probably the one thing he had that he thought was "his", a private fantasy world that he could retreat into when the real world was too much. Eventually it became a trap and he couldn't stop.

I believe that in time people will be a lot wiser to porn addiction. Unfortunately there are too many vested interests, too much money at stake, too many people getting rich by having it out there for free. If people had to sign in to a website and then pay for every movie clip they watched, that would be less harmful than this free for all we have now, and even that would probably be too little too late.

I'm bearing up today. I need to be strong and look forward.

LFF, I'm familiar with those books. I have the first one you mentioned. I read through it again last week. It's not so much the porn addiction and the porn behaviour that's the issue, but the chasm that is revealed by removing the addiction. There are many layers beneath what caused the addiction and what maintained it. When I see the new girls posting here I can't stress to them enough that blowing the lid off this issue is really going to test your strength - your inner core strength as well as the strength your relationship.I had no idea it would be so testing even though I sensed it was going to take a will of iron to face it.
 

Steam rolled

Active Member
EB  I have a question for you-  since the time of discovery for you and your SO  how is your sleeping pattern  compared to the way it was before discovery even though we knew something was up how was your sleeping then and now ??

Here is mine -  I was on sleeping antidepressant medicine prior to discovery due to childhood abuse into young adult abuse and trauma well I slept like a baby.  As we know was perfect for my SO
20 minutes zap I was out!  I look back and even recall him asking have you taken your medication on several occasions and to me it was just a reminder because I have other medication that I take for my health that is fine  Long as I take that medication  it is under control.  But the condition really is not fine with compounded stress that I can tell you.
And I am sure that his addiction was looking out more for me going to sleep then anything else.

When all this came to discovery my doctor doubled my dose of sleeping medication/antidepressant
Through the past going on 20 months I can honestly tell you that I have taken extra medicine that is probably enough to put out a horse  And I can not remember the last time that I have had a full 8 hours worth of sleep if even lucky to have 5 hours in 20 months.
The brain goes full speed a head at night and I can tell you  without a doubt this long with lack of sleep has absolutely played a role in prolonged recovery for myself  and depression.

So what to do- what to do ???
 

Emerald Blue

Well-Known Member
Without a doubt, my sleep has been a lot worse. It's as if my body doesn't switch off at night. My SO is always asleep long before me, staying up late was never his pattern. It's all due to stress and upset that follows the porn exposure.

BTW, I knew he was using porn right from the get-go. My problem was that I didn't know what I could do about it. Several confrontations in the early days had failed and in reality he chose porn over me. So what could I do? Live in denial that something was  wrong and hope for the best. I think that many years of pretending it didn't hurt, accepting that this was how it had to be and I just had to suck it up and hope that he wasn't going to look for sex elsewhere. That's a lot to bottle up for years and suffer in silence. What else can you do? You can't just say "my husband shows no interest in having sex with me any more, I have been replaced by porn". Who can you tell? It's humiliating. How I fooled myself that it didn't hurt, well ok, I pretended it didn't hurt THAT much.... I never knew I was such an expert at fooling myself.

Years of hurt coming to the surface, the issues and life events that weren't dealt with as a couple because he turned to porn to escape instead, the relationship problems that his porn habit created, finding out and facing up to things that I didn't like or expect, etc. It all takes it's toll.

The best  thing I can do for myself right now is to make an effort to get back into the things that I used to enjoy and which gave my life meaning. I really believe there is a therapeutic side to that. I don't need to think about me, or him, or porn, or the internet, or sex. There are other things to do. Things that I used to do, places I used to go, and it's about feeding my mind with good experiences and feeling inspired again. I just hope I can keep the momentum going.
 
The overwhelming depression is something we can't control.  We have been in a sense cheated on, repeatedly, by choice.  The  choice is porn over love, over commitment, over devotion....we're in a constant state of WTF is wrong with them?  Why can't we change it?  It's a hopeless, empty, devouring hole in our hearts, our souls.  Constantly searching for hope, for truth, for the day if by chance that they will say...."what was I  thinking? I'm so sorry.  I've done you so wrong...We are going to make this work.  I am going to quit porn"....we wait for that
 
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