This, is what it is!

As I write this, I have had a little setback in my thinking.  When this happens, I think it is important for the PA to understand that this is an ongoing process for their partner as well.  I read here how men (since most PAs are men) talk about this is a lifelong battle.  We always have to be prepared to guard against relapse, looking at other women, a pop up on the computer etc.  And there are all sorts of remedies suggested: cold shower, exercise, vitamins, meditation, and diets etc.  All this to help get past this temptation, this addiction.

What of your partner?  It seems we have a pat little set of instructions:  It is not you! It's me!  (the standard break up line we have heard our whole life.  So comforting.)  It's only pictures, videos, I didn't touch anyone.  I'm just looking.  I will change.  It is not about how they look.  Let's just get past this and it will be okay.  Here let me hold you. Let's talk.

For  us, we knew something wasn't right.  We knew something was bothering you just not what.  Then we find out.  We thought we were your everything. We feel imperfect.  We wonder what we did wrong in our home, with you, with our sex life, with ourselves.  We realize there was there was this mystery man we knew nothing about.  We had never been introduced.  And he has taken over.  We wonder where is our guy that loved us, adored us?  As we challenge this stranger with where is our beloved, he spews venom.  Makes excuses for our beloved's behavior.  We can tell that to this mystery man, we are old, we are not sexy, we are not what he wants or needs.  So we are stuck with digging through this mystery man hunting for our beloved.  We are told as our beloved starts attempts at communication we are not to pay attention to mystery man.  Yet, mystery man and his attitude strikes out at us saying things, doing things to make us doubt ourselves.  Beloved tells us to ignore them, but it is coming out of his mouth, the actions are from his body.  And we are wounded to the core.  We question everything about ourselves.  We find it difficult to tend our wounds and dig through looking for our beloved and wonder, "Is he even there anymore?"  And this struggle can go on for a long time. 

We keep looking for signs.  Signs that mystery man is indeed gone never to return.  Signs that he is making any kind of an appearance again.  We keep trying to heal ourselves because we do not like feeling imperfect.  We wonder what happened to us.  Have we indeed weathered the storm?  Or is this just the eye of the hurricane? 

Amen to that. We stay and fight for our relationships for all the right reasons, and desire to see this through. It is SO hard. I had always heard of PA and SA and, wondered how on Earth is that even possible, like don't people have a life? Now, here I am as a partner. It's worse than anything I have ever personally experienced in my life and some days it would be so easy to just say ... f*** this! It be peace of mind. But here we are weathering the storm.

I totally agree with you Gracie.  Im exactly there now.  Hope you have good news since this was posted back in Sept.

My partner seems to be more vulnerable to potential emotional triggers. He has definitely been at a low ebb recently and he seems to have retreated from me somewhat. In many respects he is "reverting to type". Whether it's because he has not developed proper grownup coping strategies, I don't know. Reality seems to have hit him hard. The realisation that he's older now seems to be a constant theme as well as the years wasted on watching porn, years that he can't have back.

The only thing I can do is to disconnect the internet connection completely so that the chances of escaping from his low mood by pointless internet distractions is zero. Even if he has sworn off porn, it was his go-to medication and his addict brain has not forgotten.

Like Gracie, I also found it easier to see the "addict" as this horrible little character, "someone" separate from the man I married. But sometimes I see him as an integral part of my husband's character, like inside his head it exists as one of those brain pathway diagrams that you see in articles about porn addiction. Right now it's the latter. Whether it's his low mood that is creating a sense of "hey, my life needs some excitement" in the addict part of his brain, or whether the addict brain is saying "if you don't feed me with all that fun we used to have I'll make you miserable until you do" I don't know. I'm not an expert on these matters by any means.

All I know is that he's been hitting some emotional lows and not dealing with it as well as he should. He's retreating from me, he isn't telling me much, he's not communicating and I'm seeing very little interest in sex. I'm hearing alarm bells. I suspect he has been masturbating without porn. Now, I'm not someone who believes masturbation is necessarily wrong within a relationship, but I have since learned that it can trigger the desire to return to porn in some circumstances. I let him know right from the start that if he masturbates, tell me. I'm not seeking to moralise, I'm not going to tell him it's "bad", I'm wanting to deny him his dignity. He said back then he had no interest in masturbation and he would rather wait to share his orgasms than go solo. A few months later I said the same and he'd "forgotten" that I had asked him to let me know but insisted he hadn't. But now I believe he has definitely resumed masturbation and has no intention of telling me. And as a consequence he is retreating and not communicating. I'm not going to be outraged or moralise about it being wrong if he has. There can be positive aspects of masturbation, but with him being a recovering porn addict, feeling depressed and being emotionally vulnerable and not communicating with me, returning to solo sex whilst withdrawing from physical intimacy is just ringing those alarm bells loud and clear.

This is the funk we're in right now and I feel it could go either way. I'm reaching out to him but he's not responding very well. I can see that by not making a conscious effort to reverse the lack of communication he is very likely setting up the conditions to make returning to porn seem like an attractive option. I'm trying but unless he makes the effort to reconnect we will be in trouble.

We realize there was there was this mystery man we knew nothing about.  We had never been introduced.  And he has taken over.

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This. Sooo much.

This is a problem I've never been able to work. The stranger aspect. A year out and it still eats at me.

Yes it is difficult to see the men keeping track of: pmo, no pmo, mo, no mo, ed, pied, de and pe.  A whole new language.  When all we want is:  love, caring, acknowledgement of our pain and communication.  They decide to quit for one of two reasons most of the time 1 they get caught or 2 they can't get it up. 

Well hell, relationship (other than sex) does not enter in.  It is like ok now you know I promise I won't do it again so can we not talk about it.  Bleah

There are some decent men who really struggle with porn and who are not afraid to air their difficult emotions and their personal histories, and I would guess that these are the ones who have more chance of succeeding. It's great that the forums exist, if anything, just to provide a space for men to take the first steps to get their lives and relationships functioning normally. I don't want to take away their hope.

Like Gracie, I find that the emphasis on abstinence as opposed to working towards a better relationship with one's wife/girlfriend (or same sex partner) to be somewhat disheartening. This applies more to porn addicts in long tern relationships. In some cases I have noticed that some porn users will point the finger at the spouse for not being [fill in the blank] enough.

If the female partner becomes less interested in sex, it's always assumed to be some sort of failing on her part, that it's her duty as a wife to provide an orifice for her man's pleasure. There's no questioning of WHY the woman isn't interested in sex, and the thought that she might not actually want to have sex with a man who doesn't show much interest in her NEVER occurs to him. Does he look at HIS role in creating the problem? Does he ever ask his wife how she feels and what she wants?

I don't want to put off any guy who is really struggling. Some men do become acutely aware of the ways that porn can warp their perception of women, including how they see their partners, and begin to question their own judgment and integrity. Porn DOES create the myth that women exist to please men, and should be available whenever the man has these so-called "needs" ? just like porn is always available and never says no. I know the information exists about the effects of porn on relationships. There just isn't enough of it and it doesn't seem like that much of a priority.

Gracie said:

Yes it is difficult to see the men keeping track of: pmo, no pmo, mo, no mo, ed, pied, de and pe.  A whole new language.  When all we want is:  love, caring, acknowledgement of our pain and communication.  They decide to quit for one of two reasons most of the time 1 they get caught or 2 they can't get it up. 

Well hell, relationship (other than sex) does not enter in.  It is like ok now you know I promise I won't do it again so can we not talk about it.  Bleah

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Im with Gracie on this one and it makes me so pissed, but now number 2 all guys do is go see any doctor and they perscibe them enhancement drugs like candy. Just another part of the porn and mind sucking money train.
so theres another sneaking lie to PMO.
While if they go to the dentist we hold there hand, if they have a cold we baby them.
But when it comes to that Area (pmo) my SO went alone and myself unknown he was taking Pills for a long time. Very dirty playing!

As for the stranger I told my SO we been together 16 years and i feel like i just met you when you got caught and stopped PMO.
Very Sad feeling.

You know, fuck this "I relapsed and wacked off shit"!  Yeah, I believe I am fixing to get VERY creative in my endeavor to let this man feel like I feel.  No more relapse.  Its gonna come to a screeching halt when I am done with him.

Yes, I am SO VERY ANGRY