Boone's Reboot Journal

Hello, and welcome to my journal. I happened upon this site today after seeing an article about Gabe Deem and realized that the likelihood most of my problems revolve around porn is very high.  While I never really considered myself an addict, though nothing short of a fiend in my darker moments, I certainly exhibit all the traits and it?s about time I acknowledge it. My problem is depression. I?ve been fighting it for a long time now and feel like I cannot win, it?s literally going to kill me if I can?t figure my shit out. I?ve tried medication, it helped for a little bit but eventually everything goes back to normal, except still having those drugs in my system really made bouts difficult to deal with and I?ve recently weened myself off them. It?s not biological, my problem is I am lonely. I am desperate for a relationship and have begun believing in God only because there?s no other explanation for my shitty luck other than He must hate me. That?s a joke, but I really have been on a gigantic spiritual journey.

My biggest vice is marijuana. It?s always on my mind that I need to quit but there really isn?t a chance of that in my current mental state. Stopping porn, however, seems entirely doable. And as inconsequential as it may seem I can see the ripple effect it has on my life from my concentration, to my energy, to my libido when I?m out in public or around others. To be sure, this is nothing I haven?t considered before, I just really needed it put right in front of my face. I put on some porn this morning before going to work. It?s become a comfortable thing for me to put on a video with a pretty girl. I don?t necessarily masturbate, it?s just nice to have on. I?m pretty sure I?ve already flat lined even with the porn. Today when I came home from work I deleted the drive connected to my Roku, deleted the apps on the Roku, and deleted 194 GB of porn off my hard drive. It feels good.

I plan on updating this journal frequently. I?d like first of all to prove to myself that I can do it, and second to see just what effects abstaining from porn could have on other aspects of my life. In my spiritual pursuits the desire for your ?other half? and the meaning this puts into our life has become quite evident to me, and on a much deeper level I wonder just what violence I am doing to my soul when I engage with porn like I do. I?m ready to take hold of my life and finally become the person I am meant to be. I want to meet a woman and I want to be all the man she could ever hope for. Not just in my pants but as a person. I guess today is the day.

Welcome.

Quitting porn is not a magic bullet to get rid of all your mental problems. But it did wonders for me. After I had quit PMO my three year long depression went away and everything spiralled upwards. I can sleep again, I can feel my emotions again, I'm no longer suicidal, and my dick works again after almost 15 years of having PIED. It's totally worth it. It's a long walk though and the first three to four months are definitely the hardest. But it will get better even though it doesn't feel like it at first.

I've never been a regular pot smoker but smoking marijuana made me relapse. Same with alcohol. While I would advise anybody to only focus on one problem (porn in that case) and not tackle all problems at once, I'd advise you to really observe if smoking cannabis makes you relapse. If that should be the case, you probably have to quit both at once in order to succeed.

Rebooting is a learning experience. You have to find out what works for you and what doesn't. Don't let relapses destroy your courage but also always learn from then. What made you relapse, when did the relapse start, what triggered it and then take appropriate action, And be kind to yourself. Quitting porn is extremely difficult albeit manageable.

Take care and best of luck!

Thanks for the encouraging words, Pete. I hear ya that quitting porn is no magic bullet, I don't believe in magic bullets of any sort, but that it could be a giant link in a chain of negative behaviors that is going unacknowledged is quite possible. I am a daily marijuana user so it's easy to say this is the thing I need to fix more than any other, but in truth I think stopping porn will help to lessen my marijuana use. I will take an afternoon to smoke pot and watch hours of porn, whereas if I don't have this to take up so much time I won't have the inclination to sit there and smoke pot. I've felt this in the past where I will consciously choose to do this rather than go out. My energy is drained after the fact and I have no interest in doing much other than smoking more pot and taking a nap. When I spell it out the situation is obvious and even humorous, but this is my reality and what I need to get a handle on.

I'm going 7 days strong. I did MO a few days ago but haven't watched any P. I was supposed to have a date tonight, sure that if it didn't go well or she canceled (again) it would be a catalyst to relapse, but I'm not feeling too well and I canceled on her. Women make my head swim, I was honestly disappointed that it's not going to happen tonight but we're talking and I think I'll be alright.

I really think Gabe Deem has hit on something big with the toxicity viewing porn has particularly on men. It is like poison for the soul. The nude female has been held in high regard as the very symbol of truth and purity, such as in Botticelli's Birth of Venus . That we have unfettered access to seemingly unlimited and unrestricted pornography is unimaginable to any culture that came before us. We've perverted that which is most sacred to us. I'm curious how I will feel after purging myself from this. People have mentioned staying way from movies with sex scenes and things like that. Even going out in public can be difficult, depending where you live, I suppose. But the way women dress is half offensive. I'm bound to say something offensive, as well, so I'll stop here but there is something seriously sick with our culture that is at the heart of the troubles we read about and experience on a daily basis. If anyone could point to one thing that is at the center of the sickness, pornography could be it. Specifically, pornography on the internet, how it is free, extreme, unrestricted, etc. I'll end my rant but this is something I feel is worth exploring.

Really having a hard time right now. I'm reading other's journals and really not sure if I belong on this site. I'd like to stop viewing P for any benefits it might bring me but I feel like my problems go beyond the P. I don't feel like I belong anywhere, I'm planning on leaving the country and hopefully never coming back by any means. Does it really matter if I don't watch P? Is it not worth that glimmer of satisfaction? Tonight is going to be hard. I'm going to go home and try to relax and fight the urge to look at raunchy shit. Still feeling ill, I'll probably stop for a bottle of schnaps on the way home and just drown some of these emotions out. Fuck. It. All.