Trying to get free (3 relapses but getting stronger and more wise)

Dear All,

I am 30 years old and i am trying to get rid from a porn addiction that prevents me from having a normal and healthy sex with the one i love (i met her a half year ago) and simply a normal relationship. I am very sad i didn't start my recovery earlier (please take an example from this. You never know when you will meet someone who really cares about you and will want to make real love with you).

I know i will succeed but it is always a much longer road than we expect.

I have relapsed three times so far. And now i hope that i am ready to go all the way to get rid from my addiction. I am learning from my mistakes and i learn more and more facts and theory about porn addiction that helps me a lot. First time i did relapse after first two weeks. It seemed so easy at first (now i understand that it seemed so easy because i met my girl several times and she just took all those illusional urges away). But after two weeks urges became so strong i felt ike a psyco and i couldnt meet her by that time. I went into chat (i didnt even watch porn), started some conversations about my fetishes and it triggered my fantasies so much i felt a new dose rushing in. It all led to touching myself and orgasm as my genitals was super sensitive that moment. The same happened 4 days after. I was so depressed and angry on myself both times. I had failed myself and my relationship so hard. The third time happened yesterday. I had entered a new level as i did whitstand for at least a month and i started to feel urges leaving me away as i made a super mistake of checking out if i can control myself. Of course that moment it was that stupidest thought of "Nothing would happen if i just watch it for a second" and my willpower were somewhere else i guess. I became careless and i got SO STRONG urges at once and i became like hypnotized. I tried to control myself but i could not. I EDGED! And it is worst thing that can happen. I could stop watching after some time but i was on the edge. I felt dopamine rushing within me and I understood that if i dont orgasm it will tear me apart whole night.

Now i know that whenever i enter these chat or porn sites i will fail. I will use all my knowledge to fight my addiction. I even told it my girlfriend and thanks God she seemed like to understand it and she supports me. I want her and i want normal sexual relationships. And even if she would not i knpow that i would fight my addiction and i will get rid of it. I want real pleasure from making love not a filthy desires that leads to pain and depression.

My stronger side is that i have good basics. I grew up with no porn and i still remember how it has to feel for real (I had a super beautiful virgin girlfriend at about 23 and i wanted her so much but our relationship didnt continue and she didnt ever satisfy me). I am into porn for at least five years and i have adopted interest for hardcore porn. At that time it was a way to flee from my relationship that was such a drama for me. Currently i feel like even with my relapses i am now attracted to more softcore things that are enough for me so i dont feel like i start it from zero. I have acquired more willpower and of course KNOWLEDGE. Without knowledge it would be extremely hard to fight it. I have started to meditate regulary and i feel how much sport activities benefits fighting these urges. But i know that all those urges and fetishes are right there and just waits for any trigger to occure.

I hope this post helps myself and i hope that this and my following posts will help me and will benefit someone else also. This is just another day on a road to my ultimate goal but lets call it a first one to feel more of a challenge because i dont want to allow any porn or cyber sex anymore. I want my to be free and to become a better person. 

LOVE  !

Hi mate.
Simply making this post is a sure sign of recovery! You mentioned you had several relapses, well, havnt we all...? But with those relapses came this sense of revulsion and disgust you now feel. These feelings are good. Use them as fuel to starve your addiction to porn. Theres a part of your brain that feeds on porn. It uses this to destroy your life from many unseen angles.
As long as you feed it its gonna come back again and again.
Starve the bitch. Let her beg for food. Then let her rot.
PS, welcome to the forum! Im sure youll get a lot of support and advice from everyone here!

Thank's a lot! You are right. Porn is like a bit*h that sucks out your energy if you allow it  :-\

Welcome Yurl, you're among a lot of people that are dealing with the same issues, so take comfort in the fact that you're not going it alone.  I know that one thing that has really helped me when I feel what you describe, where you feel just such intense sexual energy coursing through you, and you need to release it or go crazy, is to do some chi meditations.  If you have not already heard or read it, I HIGHLY suggest you read "The Multi-Orgasmic Man" - and pay particular attention to the sections dealing with how to move your sexual energy from your genitals to the rest of your body, and thus convert it from sexual energy to life energy.  I thought it was all bullshit until I tried it, and it works so well it's crazy.  After you do it for a while, you'll be able to take that raw sexual energy that makes you not think straight, and turn it into tingling sensations from your head all the way down your spine and no longer is it "hot" energy, but a more mellow and "cooler" sort, that just assists you in doing your daily tasks and what not.

Thank You ntg2978!

I will. I just got this book and i will soon start reading it. I will write about my daily performance.

End of day one. Still a bit nervous. I hope i will fall asleep very fast. I dont feel much urges.

I slept well. I started to feel slight - moderate urges to do / watch "something" (we know what) and getting slight erection. I got up fast not letting it grow and left it with no response.

End of day 3 . Getting back on a road.

I feel more calm now. I know that urges are right there but i dont allow myself even any fantasies. Funny that there were three slight triggers as i watched two movies today. Still i get rid of them fast.
I spent a lot of time outdoors and enjoyed the winter and the fresh air. Lets have a good sleep again.

One thing to keep in mind is that the mind doesn't understand negatives.  So instead of saying, "I'm not going to focus on P", instead ask a question like, "What am I thankful for in my life?" or "What do I really like about today so far?"  It gets your train of thought totally off of P, and in addition, makes you start feeling good, because you're focusing on positive things.  Another thing you can do is pay attention to how you move your body, as that will also determine how you feel.  For more on that, look up Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) state changes via physiology.  You can also change state based upon psychology (such as the questions above).  Hope this helps man.  Keep keeping on!

Nate said:

One thing to keep in mind is that the mind doesn't understand negatives.  So instead of saying, "I'm not going to focus on P", instead ask a question like, "What am I thankful for in my life?" or "What do I really like about today so far?"  It gets your train of thought totally off of P, and in addition, makes you start feeling good, because you're focusing on positive things.  Another thing you can do is pay attention to how you move your body, as that will also determine how you feel.  For more on that, look up Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) state changes via physiology.  You can also change state based upon psychology (such as the questions above).  Hope this helps man.  Keep keeping on!

Click to expand...

That's a real good point. I was happy this moorning as i didnt have to force my concentration on something else. I was naturally thinking about other things and a lot about my girlfriend. How good it is to be with her. Moorning can be a hardest part of the day just like evening.

Evening of day 4.

I start feeling somehow inflamed with energy that makes me want to wander.
I am going to do a set of push ups and crunches and / or yoga.


I did it and had a shower. Feeling a lot better now. I will meditate now and then i'm going to sleep.

Hello everyone!

I had a very difficult end of the year. I struggled a lot as i had to work on my relationship a lot. It seemed like i will loose everything again but now i feel so great. My life and my relationship are on the road again. My woman is aware of my troubles and we could get over much bigger problems and misunderstandings. We love each other and that gives me enormous strenght and willpower.
It is New Year and i will stop counting days. This is winter now. And i will use this dark and cold period to get over my problems and then i want to have a deep health breath when its Spring out there. I will be open to take my woman out to a beautiful places and have a lot of wonderfull time together. I also try not to be addictive to anything. Not even to her. I want to feel free and to enjoy love. And i really love her and i feel loved.

I just wanted to tell You - i had a wonderfull day working in the woods as a logger ! I feel tired from the work and the fresh air 

Last two and half days i had strong urges. It seems so unfair as i had so great weekend - i was out in the woods working in the fresh air and then i met my girlfriend and we spent a night together (no sex - just playing). I felt that i was "harder" with her as usually and probably i could do it but i don't feel enough "hard" and im not free from my urges yet. As i said the following days was hard. I had a lot to do but i found myself thinking about my urges. Today i feel them fading away at last. And damn... i love that woman and she loves me but she has to wait for me  :-\

Going great mate!
You are already seeing some changes! Just a shirt time and you can start to feel better. A great sign of recovery. Just a little more!

I get into life as much as i can and urges seems to fade away. I try not to think about it but i still feel very vulnerable to triggers  and just a smallest thoughts brings up something.
What feels great is that i met my girlfriend today again and we spent an hour together cuddling and kissing. I felt real hard all the time and i was real happy that after that i didnt feel any unreal urges. I felt so hard, like i could put on a condom and it would be fine. But i dont want to rush things. I'm just happy to feel the progress. Im trying to live my life all the way and to make it full and better.

Great article on Mindfulness meditation against addiction!

http://alcoholrehab.com/addiction-articles/mindfulness-meditation-addiction-cravings/

Hi there. I have to share what's new for me.

I struggled for about 2 days. It all started with heavy moorning wood. I felt great as my mind was quite clear while i had it. But later that day very strong urges started to appear. I was lucky this day was very busy. I just could not shake them off as a part of my brain kept triggering them. I put a lot of thoughts in doing all the tasks i had to do that day. That kept my mind busy. I did also save myself as i had put several red lines for myself (things that would lead me to failure - relapse or edging - like "having just a glimpse of porn", "sex conversations" and so on). I triggered several things a bit but i did not cross any red line and so i stood. Third thing that got me fully out of that was my girlfriend. She arrived just on time when I struggled next day just as bad. By the evening she came to me. That's another story. I tried to have sex with her but i failed. First i failed to have oral. I was hard but then i felt overexcited. I never had it before so it felt like it was too much for me  ... i was trembling from excitement  :-\ and then i got soft or at least that's how i felt. Later i tried to wear a condom. I did put it on but i was a bit to soft to enter her. Damn i felt bad for my girl. She wanted me so much. At least i did please her orally. I know i wasn't ready to enter her but i wanted her and to please her so much. It is hard for her too you know? At least that's a lot of motivation for me again to stay clean and to live my life.

Yeah those days are rough, the days when we are just so incredibly horny but dont really have anything to show for it.

Wow! What a journey. I got past my struggle and now i understand why it was so hard. It was so hard because i was struggling with it - FIGHTING with it rather than just refusing it. I did read what great minds are telling about desires and that helped me a lot. There will always be such desires and cravings - we just have to refuse them. But i also guess that it just now (today) seems so easy to refuse it. That's why it is addiction.

For four days in a row i feel great or at least fine. I deattached myself from cravings or at least those cravings weakened enough to ignore them. What i did - i said "I refuse porn and sexual fantasies of ANY KIND" and i say it every day and at last i got it. I even dont think about sex with my girlfriend because i felt that so far it triggers other fantasies. If its not a real thing then i ignore it. I also keep myself away from any dangerous triggers. And of course i live my life. I even started reading books again. I even try not to think about this issue as well as about sexual desires. Let's just live.

I hope that next time when I write I will be even happier!