One of the Things that has been really positive about me having watched a lot (I laugh here, as a lot is, well, you know.........) of porn is not judging people and making a real effort to accept people where they are, even if i do not like them. I see a lot of men trying so hard to prove and show that they respect women, and see them also showing the opposite. I see the porn addict in them, I see their need to cover something up, I see see their need to perpetuate the myth that women need the protection of men. I also see women who want this, which is sad. But this is where were are at the moment.
By dealing with my problems which bring me to porn (as one porn site puts it very nicely by being called 'Time Killer') I feel freer to say what I need to say. With the shame of partaking in porn came I often thought, 'how dare you judge this or that, say this or that', when I consume porn as though my very life depended on it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just thinking of this now makes me laugh at my self.
I love to watch people, to look at them with out judgement, but consuming porn infected how I looked at women. When I thought that I was looking free of judgement and not noticing that they were women, I noticed that sometimes they would cover themselves up. It took me a long time to admit that this was because I was looking at them disrespectfully, that it was an energetic thing that women picked up on. I know that some of them are a bit up-tight any way, but I will not be the man who looks at them disrepectfully. I have a couple of experiences for instance where I was watching them for who they were and some other women flipped out assuming I was being disrespectfull. This is where it became more and more important for me to know and to trust that I know who I AM and not who they think I am. This means no more lying to my self, and to admit when I am being disrespectful. But this is another whole other subject. But it is OK to look at another human being and say 'wow' regardless of what others say.
As a man this means to become more aware of my feelings when I am, in this instant, looking at a woman. I am starting to open my heart more and taking the time to just breath for 20 minutes or so. I find that looking at others helps me not to judge, to accept people for who they are, but will I give this to me? that is an other challenge. It is easier for me to forgive others than to forgive my self. This means that if I continue to judge my self for the type of porn I was in to then I will just stay in a state of suffering. Many people want others to suffer thus there is no forgiveness and this is the point where I have to say that I forgive me or I will continue to suffer. This suffering will just perpetuate the suffering on this planet and I believe that change cames from the individual and not from groups, which generally have power struggles. It is from support, like here at rebootnation, and understanding that I can learn to open my heart again. If I walk in shame and I allow others to force me in to shame then I just bring shame to this world. Fuck that!
I have seen some of the stories of men when they see scantily clad women and want to look away, fearing being drawn back in to darkness (I am not religious so I do not mean this in a religious context). Any of you who were smokers will know that the cravings and uncertainties only last a few minutes, less even, so all that one needs to do is to breath. I have not blocked porn from my internet searches, I just choose not to look, not to go there. And At this time as I write this it has been 19 weeks since I looked at porn.
One thing that I also need to get off my chest here is age difference in regards to porn comsumption. I have had a lot of very young women (I am 52) wanting my attention but I have not allowed them to come close, because I was blinded by porn. As I learn to open my heart up more then it feels ok, that the age is absolutely not important as long as it, I, come from my heart. It is just my fear that I go for them because they are young, but I am also interested in women older that me. I really don't like this thing where men go for only younger women as this just perpetuates shame. I say all of this and I am still single, not had sex for over 4 years and I am ok with this. I just want to come to the point where the heart connection is all that matters. I am just trying to get some things clear in my head around this.
I find and have found for many years, but chose to ignore it at times, that I just become distracted and stressed by looking at sexy women. It is very tiring, and as I said, stressfull. I just distract from my self and my suroundings, from seeing something that could be intreresting.
Any way, I could go on........................................
By dealing with my problems which bring me to porn (as one porn site puts it very nicely by being called 'Time Killer') I feel freer to say what I need to say. With the shame of partaking in porn came I often thought, 'how dare you judge this or that, say this or that', when I consume porn as though my very life depended on it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just thinking of this now makes me laugh at my self.
I love to watch people, to look at them with out judgement, but consuming porn infected how I looked at women. When I thought that I was looking free of judgement and not noticing that they were women, I noticed that sometimes they would cover themselves up. It took me a long time to admit that this was because I was looking at them disrespectfully, that it was an energetic thing that women picked up on. I know that some of them are a bit up-tight any way, but I will not be the man who looks at them disrepectfully. I have a couple of experiences for instance where I was watching them for who they were and some other women flipped out assuming I was being disrespectfull. This is where it became more and more important for me to know and to trust that I know who I AM and not who they think I am. This means no more lying to my self, and to admit when I am being disrespectful. But this is another whole other subject. But it is OK to look at another human being and say 'wow' regardless of what others say.
As a man this means to become more aware of my feelings when I am, in this instant, looking at a woman. I am starting to open my heart more and taking the time to just breath for 20 minutes or so. I find that looking at others helps me not to judge, to accept people for who they are, but will I give this to me? that is an other challenge. It is easier for me to forgive others than to forgive my self. This means that if I continue to judge my self for the type of porn I was in to then I will just stay in a state of suffering. Many people want others to suffer thus there is no forgiveness and this is the point where I have to say that I forgive me or I will continue to suffer. This suffering will just perpetuate the suffering on this planet and I believe that change cames from the individual and not from groups, which generally have power struggles. It is from support, like here at rebootnation, and understanding that I can learn to open my heart again. If I walk in shame and I allow others to force me in to shame then I just bring shame to this world. Fuck that!
I have seen some of the stories of men when they see scantily clad women and want to look away, fearing being drawn back in to darkness (I am not religious so I do not mean this in a religious context). Any of you who were smokers will know that the cravings and uncertainties only last a few minutes, less even, so all that one needs to do is to breath. I have not blocked porn from my internet searches, I just choose not to look, not to go there. And At this time as I write this it has been 19 weeks since I looked at porn.
One thing that I also need to get off my chest here is age difference in regards to porn comsumption. I have had a lot of very young women (I am 52) wanting my attention but I have not allowed them to come close, because I was blinded by porn. As I learn to open my heart up more then it feels ok, that the age is absolutely not important as long as it, I, come from my heart. It is just my fear that I go for them because they are young, but I am also interested in women older that me. I really don't like this thing where men go for only younger women as this just perpetuates shame. I say all of this and I am still single, not had sex for over 4 years and I am ok with this. I just want to come to the point where the heart connection is all that matters. I am just trying to get some things clear in my head around this.
I find and have found for many years, but chose to ignore it at times, that I just become distracted and stressed by looking at sexy women. It is very tiring, and as I said, stressfull. I just distract from my self and my suroundings, from seeing something that could be intreresting.
Any way, I could go on........................................
