Nothing's Working

I cannot stop relapsing. I've gone about 5 times in a week. That's off-the-charts bad even for me. Almost did two weeks, then completely bombed. Reading reminders every day doesn't help. Talking to people doesn't help. In fact, the reason I relapsed my latest time is because I was reading about the pitfalls of porn addiction. It has the Supersize Me effect. Remember that movie? It was about how awful McDonalds is for you. It always makes me want a burger. Even talking about porn does the same thing. It awakens my brain and I begin to crave. I'm nearing the end. I've had 2 breakdowns from porn-induced anxiety and I narrowly avoided a third 6 months ago. I went 62 days porn-free before I relapsed again. I was almost there. Now I can't stay on the wagon longer than two weeks. I can't live like this anymore. I want help. I want to tell people in my life so they can help me, but I'm terrified of what they'll think. I'm terrified that things will change. How do you tell your family and friends that you're a filthy porn addict? I don't know what to do. My brain is clouded. I know how bad porn has ruined my life. But in the heat of the moment, my brain forgets. It forgets everything. How do I fight that? I need help, friends. This has gone on too long. I need my life back. I need to be free. I don't know what to do. Please help save me.

I find that if I don't incorporate meditation into my daily routine, my ability to avoid addictions of all kinds is much weaker.

Meditation meaning sit in silence with your eyes closed and try to block out all stimulus for 20 minutes a day (though you can start with 10 minutes a day to make it easier, as diving straight in to 20 minutes can be frustrating). The reason this is powerful is because it interrupts the brain. The brain, if uninterrupted, will continually just pursue dopamine, dopamine, dopamine.. And it will have an accumulative effect. Thus, you'll keep adding random little tidbits of pleasure and eventually your brain will be on a pathway and have little resistance when it craves some type of big hit (it could be porn, it could be vodka, it could be whatever).

Meditation interrupts that because it forces you to just "be" and it's like training your brain manually to jump off the dopamine hit cycle. The more you do this and the longer you can do it for, the stronger your brain will be (it is proven to increase and improve the strength of your brains white matter. White matter is the most significant part of your brain in impulse control). If working out trains your physical strength/speed/reaction time, then meditation is training your capacity for impulse control. Metaphorically, you should think of your brain as like an obese person and the meditation as like jogging.

This is why monks and other people who are known for living ascetic lifestyles are also known for meditation. It's a truly powerful tool, and not 'woo-woo' at all; there's no need for a mystical interpretation. There are plenty of scientific studies backing up that the brain's impulse control is improved by meditation.

So if you start meditation lightly but work your way up to having a significant meditation routine, I expect you to overcome this. Once you have built up your ability to meditate, keep the routine going for life and you'll maintain your ability to control impulses and ward off your addictions. Just remember, the more consistent you are with this routine, the more consistently you'll be able to self-actualize and stay clean. Oh and meditation can at times be sort of tedious, just like training, but that's the price you pay for a healthier mind. Nothing truly good comes without sacrifice. There's no reason you don't have the power to do this.

Good luck and I wish you well.

Update: Relapse again. I can't keep doing this. I can't.

Hi Sparrow,

I'm sorry to hear you're still struggling.  We've had these talks before, but it's okay.  We can keep having these talks until we see the other side of this.  Just because you've relapsed a bunch of times and it seems hopeless doesn't mean it IS hopeless.  An end can, and will, come.  Hope isn't about trusting what you see, because there is no need to trust if you can see it.  Hope is trusting in what you don't see, because you believe in your heart that it is there.  When things are hopeless is when our souls are laid bare, and we're, ironically, most capable of genuine hope, because that is when hope is at its purest form, because we hope for things we cannot see.

The last time I wrote on one of your threads I think I urged you to be gentler with yourself.  I'm still sensing that you're really hard on yourself and give yourself a lot of grief.  I know it can seem like a paradox to be gentle and at the same time really want to quit, but it is a balance that desperately needs to be struck.

I like your analogy to Supersize Me.  I always thought of it as the old joke where someone says "don't think about an elephant!", and even though an elephant is the most random thing, because it is mentioned, you can't help but think of elephants.  What are the voices that are screaming "don't think about an elephant" to you?  Are you doing deep dives into porn recovery stuff and that is what is getting you?  I actually stayed away from these boards at key points for that reason, and just because I was trying not to use my computer for things.  I'm not suggesting you stop posting, just offering my own experience.  Meditation is great, but if you start meditation each time with "I'm going to spend 20 minutes not thinking about McDonald's", then the meditation is counter productive.

Do you have some intense triggers outside of porn?  I've found that lots of people who have developed acute fetishes often have triggers that can be rather G or PG rated.  A foot fetish person staring at people's shoes, someone who is into animated porn seeing some anime that is otherwise quite clean, etc.

So, if you know what DOESN'T work, you can maybe work around it.  Maybe some self improvement stuff that doesn't just make you imagine yourself at your computer having a porn session.  Often just good, relaxing time in a completely non-porn way is not respected enough for what it is.  Again, don't beat yourself up if an evening isn't spent on activities specifically to beat porn.  As long as you spent it with something other than porn, you're good.

That sense of distance where you can think about porn in the abstract and not feel in the moment takes time... a lot of time.  I'd been clean for several months before I had that bird's eye view where the idea just seemed gross, like an ex-smoker who can't stand the smell of cigarettes.  In fact, the moment I knew I'd quit for good was one night when I was triggered HARD by something on Netflix, went in to the computer, starting bringing up my sites, and just froze staring at the screen.  I had this odd view of myself as though from afar, and it didn't look good.  My heart was pounding out of my chest, and I just sat there.  Eventually I said to myself, "this isn't what I want to be doing right now", and I closed the browser without hitting enter to load the first site.  I refastened my belt, went back to the TV and finished my show (the trigger had since passed, and the show was safe).  I don't know how long it was... but it was several months.  63 days is a GREAT streak, and not something anyone is going to do without all their effort behind it.  But, it isn't quite out of the dark tunnel.  I promise that some day you'll get past it.  You want it, you need it, you deserve it.  It will happen.

Hey Sparrow,
Sorry to hear about the recent difficulties you've been facing. It can be so discouraging when you have a long streak and then fail repeatedly to get back up on the horse. It's extremely difficult because you're fighting neurological impulses that are very powerful. From what you described, it seems like your experiencing some form of the chaser effect--you fall once and then can't stop binging on porn in the days that follow. I think it's a good thing to be aware of so you can be more prepared for what you will face in the future. Best wishes.

The last time I wrote on one of your threads I think I urged you to be gentler with yourself.  I'm still sensing that you're really hard on yourself and give yourself a lot of grief.  I know it can seem like a paradox to be gentle and at the same time really want to quit, but it is a balance that desperately needs to be struck.

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Please don?t be too hard on yourself. I?m far from being cured at the moment, but i always say to myself "it is okay". That?s important, because pointing bad emotions on yourself makes it even worse. Think of days where you don?t relapse, or maybe there is an 1:1 relation, 1 day your doing well and the other not. So, you can be proud of that day and not the other, isn't that ok?

I wish you to be more easy on yourself, "ground" yourself with the situation as it is. For that process, give yourself time to realize what?s going on around you. You don't have to change everything for that. After that, start all over with optimism.