Problem with motivation...

Hi everybody

So I?ve got a problem with I'm trying to find reasons and motivation to quit PMO besides women and sex. Most people quiting PMO is because they want more confidence around women and to perform well sexually. Because of the fact that I dont have one night stands, and the women around me are mostly in a relationship, I am having a hard time finding motivation to quit jerking off and watching porn, because of the fact that there is no woman in my life that I need to please. What motivates you to quit except women and sexual performance?
??????????????????
Any suggestion would be greatly appreciate. Thank you in advance.

The big picture.

The problem won't solve itsself. So at one point, you'll have to get your shit together, or the problem will persist until you die. In case you are addicted of course.

Personally, at one point the problem got so big that it also caused a lot of other troubles apart from sexual performance and confidence. Think of a functionic alcoholic whose life derails at some point. The sooner you stop, the happier you will be. But many guys, myself included, need to hit rock bottom or get close to it so that the message hits home. Sad but true.

Moreover, opportunities often arise spontaneously. Let's say you have PIED and you get to know the friend of a friend at a party whom you find attractive. You won't be able to make anything happen. Porn keeps you trapped. My twenties in four sentences. And this could have been my thirties, too. And my fourties. And my ...

After my first few attempts at quitting PMO (which lasted roughly 7-10 days each) I realized that it was the PMO that was causing my brain fog, diminished concentration and memory, lethargy, low level depression...etc. During those brief stints of sobriety I had the painful realization that my sexual response "mechanism" was "malfunctioning."

The experiences of sobriety and relapse showed me that when addiction had a hold of me, and I had been PMO'ing regularly, a simple thought could bring forth an almost immediate overwhelming compulsion to act. But after 10 days of sobriety, a "pause" developed between thought and action. The relapse was more choice driven than compulsion, and I grew more hateful towards that feeling of being compelled to act.

So, my main motivations, in addition to my burning desire to maintain a steel like _____ while having mind blowing ___ with a real life woman, are to obtain an inner peace free of the health ailments I mentioned earlier, free of the guilt and shame of PMO, and freedom from addiction.

Through a long process of self reflection I've made peace with the fact that after 20+ years of abuse I may have irreparably damaged myself. Will I ever overcome my PIED? I don't know. But if I never overcome it, and I never experience the privilege of being with a woman again on the terms I expressed earlier, being free of addiction and brain fog, diminished concentration and memory, lethargy, low level depression...etc will be more than enough reasons to remain PMO-free.

I hope this helps.

Han

Pete McVries said:

Moreover, opportunities often arise spontaneously. Let's say you have PIED and you get to know the friend of a friend at a party whom you find attractive. You won't be able to make anything happen. Porn keeps you trapped. My twenties in four sentences. And this could have been my thirties, too. And my fourties. And my ...

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Amen

Pete McVries said:

Moreover, opportunities often arise spontaneously. Let's say you have PIED and you get to know the friend of a friend at a party whom you find attractive. You won't be able to make anything happen. Porn keeps you trapped. My twenties in four sentences. And this could have been my thirties, too. And my fourties. And my ...

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Excellent way to say it. My 20s too, unfortunately  This is the last year before my 30s and I don't want to step there still an addict. I need some months away from this shit by then. What you've said there is my biggest fear: That I will meet someone but not be able to do anything because I'm addicted to P and have PIED. I'm not talking only about one night stands here (cause maybe I am not one night stand material) but I am afraid to even get into a relationship because of my PIED.

kscottgaming said:

Hi everybody

So I?ve got a problem with I'm trying to find reasons and motivation to quit PMO besides women and sex. Most people quiting PMO is because they want more confidence around women and to perform well sexually. Because of the fact that I dont have one night stands, and the women around me are mostly in a relationship, I am having a hard time finding motivation to quit jerking off and watching porn, because of the fact that there is no woman in my life that I need to please. What motivates you to quit except women and sexual performance?
??????????????????
Any suggestion would be greatly appreciate. Thank you in advance.

Click to expand...

You know, my P addiction has caused me more than PIED. This is an (maybe incomplete) list of what things this addiction has cost me: low energy level, problems with attention span, high social anxiety, no motivation to accomplish anything in life, PIED, lost opportunities with girls, no drive to pursue girls, being too anxious and weird around girls.

Like Pete said, I literally hit mental rock bottom some months ago and since then I've been taking this seriously. I haven't been able to make serious progress so far but maybe this time. I have a beginning of a good streak that I should take care of. But yes, you could "wake up" in your 40s thinking that you don't have any woman in your life. I don't want to be there. I've heard about someone who's had only 1 relationship in his life and he is in his 50s and has been into P since back in the days with magazines. Things escalate if you let them. This addiction will not magically go away one day. In the beginning, I used to fool myself like that, that one day things would just click, the planets would align and I would be P free but it didn't work for a few years until I finally understood that I had to go through suffering if I wanted to see the light. At first, I said: "Fuck, no! I don't want to suffer! Why should I? I am a victim! I didn't choose to be an addict, nobody told me P was addictive!" I rebelled against my situation and refused to admit that I, inevitably, had to go through the suffering of withdrawal to quit this addiction. I lived in denial for a while, fooling myself that maybe I don't really have a problem. But then there came the day when I had to look the truth in the face and understand that I had to accept the fact that I was going to suffer if I wanted to quit P. I know, the withdrawal for this addiction sucks but there is really nothing else I can do. Yes, of course, you can do things when urges come like exercise, cold showers whatever but the withdrawal will still exist in a form or another until that day when it will start to leave you alone. Only time heals. And don't listen to people who say that you might be one of those guys who will never heal from PIED. If you start things journey with this in mind, you might as well quit now. It's never too late to start.

Motivation is garbage.  If you are proactive, you wont need to find past tense reasons for moving forward.  Your motivations will become inclinations and passions.

kscottgaming said:

What motivates you to quit except women and sexual performance?

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figster said:

If you are proactive, you wont need to find past tense reasons for moving forward.  Your motivations will become inclinations and passions.

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I understand the reasoning above that the answer to the original question isn't in the past.  What has happened in the past has gone by ? and we are where we are.

The answer to the question is a personal one that can be derived from why we decided to register this forum / support group and want to make a change to our lives.

Another way of finding the answer is to think about what will happen if we don't overcome the addiction?  Can we afford to give up the opportunities that we will lose out on?

Bases on my experiences, I didn't want to continue living a life overwhelmed with a feeling of shame and guilt?

This might not bother might everyone? ? but for me, I felt an increasing feeling of shame that I had developed an addiction that was controlling me, and the guilt that I was watching something that is immoral, and was most probably illegal?  It was a secret addiction that I kept to myself, and that eventually got to me.

There have been several TV documentaries that have provided an insight into how the the porn industry operates "behind the camera", and when I watched them in the "cold light of day", I was determined that I didn't want to be part of it anymore.

Whilst everyone may not be affected by PIED, the addiction has impacted my perspective of being involved in a "real" relationship.

Finally, the feature films "Don Jon" and also "Thanks for Sharing"  are about porn and sex addiction respectively, and might be of interest?  They can be watched via Google Play or Netflix.

I hope this helps, and gives you some food for thought?

I like your thinking, because doing it just for sex isn't enough.  People trying to quit when they're only motivated by sex have a harder time because if all they can think about is how much they want sex, they are more likely to relapse, and those negative thought spirals before and after a relapse are no joke.  You're better off not thinking about sex because the ideas you have about sex need to change.  It is easier to wipe all the porn data if those files in your brain aren't in use, if you know what I mean.

Pretty much every aspect of your life stands to improve. No, it won't work miracles, but mood improves, concentration, energy levels, all sorts of things.  Won't it be nice to not be out and about and be itching, "man, I gotta get home and wank..."? 

I think there are similarities to people who lose weight or take up exercise.  They often say they regret nothing even though it was hard work, and they'd never want to go back.  Asked exactly what is different they have a hard time describing exactly how it is that they feel better, but it is definitely there. 

Another way to put it, you can (and should) seek to be a better person, because being a better person is a good goal in and of itself, not just for the sake of having a sex life.  Even if you become celibate, you'll feel much, much better without porn in your life.  I promise.

DoneAtLast said:

I like your thinking, because doing it just for sex isn't enough.  People trying to quit when they're only motivated by sex have a harder time because if all they can think about is how much they want sex, they are more likely to relapse, and those negative thought spirals before and after a relapse are no joke.  You're better off not thinking about sex because the ideas you have about sex need to change.  It is easier to wipe all the porn data if those files in your brain aren't in use, if you know what I mean.

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You know, I think P made me more obsessed about sex that I would've been. And I agree that rebooting only for sex might not be the best approach. What if you don't get that sex for a while after you think you are rebooted? This can lead back to P because P acts like a sex substitute (fake of course). Not thinking that I'm rebooting to be able to have sex helps me take me mind off sex, because the craving for sex makes me turn to P because it is my sex substitute. I found that it was a better help to think about discovering the real me. Who am I without P? After seeing how I felt after a month without P in the past, I was crazy to repeat that. My mind functioned fast, my problems with attention span disappeared, my social anxiety was gone, I had great mental tolerance for difficulties I encountered during the day, I enjoyed things that I did more... This is a list from the top of my head regarding how I felt after P abstinence. It is definitely worth rebooting to get that back. They are not superpowers, they are the real me, how I am supposed to feel without this fucking P.

wecandoit said:

DoneAtLast said:

I like your thinking, because doing it just for sex isn't enough.  People trying to quit when they're only motivated by sex have a harder time because if all they can think about is how much they want sex, they are more likely to relapse, and those negative thought spirals before and after a relapse are no joke.  You're better off not thinking about sex because the ideas you have about sex need to change.  It is easier to wipe all the porn data if those files in your brain aren't in use, if you know what I mean.

Click to expand...

You know, I think P made me more obsessed about sex that I would've been. And I agree that rebooting only for sex might not be the best approach. What if you don't get that sex for a while after you think you are rebooted? This can lead back to P because P acts like a sex substitute (fake of course). Not thinking that I'm rebooting to be able to have sex helps me take me mind off sex, because the craving for sex makes me turn to P because it is my sex substitute. I found that it was a better help to think about discovering the real me. Who am I without P? After seeing how I felt after a month without P in the past, I was crazy to repeat that. My mind functioned fast, my problems with attention span disappeared, my social anxiety was gone, I had great mental tolerance for difficulties I encountered during the day, I enjoyed things that I did more... This is a list from the top of my head regarding how I felt after P abstinence. It is definitely worth rebooting to get that back. They are not superpowers, they are the real me, how I am supposed to feel without this fucking P.

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The trick, I believe, is decoupling porn from sex.  If you reboot, your brain will see a difference between porn and sex.  I crave human contact deeply now, but I don't really crave porn.  I can really want to be with someone, but a picture popping up on my phone annoys me or grosses me out.  Porn is only a substitute for sex if we let it be.  First by thinking it is the same and using it because it is a "harmless release", and eventually the addiction kicks in and you think you need it all the time.  Guys who have access to sex (in good relationships for example) will still be addicted to porn, so there's another data point against porn being used for sex cravings.  (I know you were asking rhetorically, but I still wanted to answer!)