August_Jaws
New Member
Greetings, all. I used to be active at YBR several years ago but just recently started following Reboot Nation as I revisit this scourge. I've enjoyed the tone and sincerity here and am thankful for your honest stories.
I'm now 38 and it's been seven years since I had my eyes opened by way of YBOP to what I knew was causing me suffering. It was another year before I took a real stab at a reboot, but I could never make it longer than a month, despite clearly and quickly seeing many positive side effects. I felt shame acknowledging relapses in my YBR journal, yet was surrounded by other well intentioned men who were also constantly resetting their counters. It just felt hopeless, and I've spent the last six years indulging, feeling shame, cutting back, returning with a vengeance and so on . . .
In the last six years I had two children, a girl and a boy, and got married. The limits on my free time keep me from over-indulgence, but I am sneaky and find my ways. I'm fortunate to have never experienced PIED, so my primary motivation to quit is my relationship with my wife. She sort of knows what I do, but I don't think she realizes how often and how impactful it is on my inability to create and sustain intimacy between us. In truth, the relationship went way farther than I ever intended it to and I think I've used P to both avoid those uncomfortable feelings and to put a wall up between us. But she is very important to me, an amazing mother, attractive and I absolutely want to be here with my family. So that decision being made, I need to make our relationship the best it can be, and this feels like a big step in us being able to grow.
And, of course, I want to quit for my kids. I will always love them unconditionally, but I would never want my daughter to be involved in anything like what I watch, or even be an IG model. And I would be despondent if my son spent as much time as I have in isolation, wearing deep, unhealthy grooves in his mind and holding back his full potential. The hypocrisy at hand is clear and needs resolution.
Before you say it, yes, I most want to do it for myself, to be in line with my own moral code, but these are two big important motivators for me.
I'm currently at six days. So far full on P has not been a struggle (give it time), but Instagram keeps trying to pull me in and I am now deleting the app from my phone. I can accidentally see a photo and feel surges of dopamine rushing through my brain. I've already deleted Twitter and Reddit in recent weeks. I'm trying to remain hyper-aware of my triggers. Family stress seems to be the biggest. Being stuck at home all the time with my wife and toddlers can be really frustrating at times and I'm noticing how much I want to retreat to PMO when the going gets tough. Just waking up is sort of a trigger. I'm a night owl and usually wake up second, and immediately my mind starts racing and I usually indulge. That is a habit I really want to kick, whether it involves P or not. It's just draining.
And I will try to stop short of getting into trigger territory, but one of the biggest problems I have with my P viewing is the consistent reinforcement of a certain scenario, typically infidelity against me, both with and without my consent. I'm pretty sure this stems from about 19 years ago, when I was both introduced to high-speed Internet P and a promiscuous girlfriend made a fool of me while I was away at school. I remember a switch to this kind of voyeurism happening around then and it has infected my thoughts/fantasies, both online and in person, ever since. That's a lot of years, huh? I have noticed during past reboot attempts that this starts to go away and I go back to normal, first-person, intimate scenarios. That's where I want to be.
Oh, there's much more I'm wrestling with but I'll save it for another time. I felt my strongest impulse yet this afternoon and decided to come here and write instead. Mission accomplished. Thank you for reading. Good luck out there.
I'm now 38 and it's been seven years since I had my eyes opened by way of YBOP to what I knew was causing me suffering. It was another year before I took a real stab at a reboot, but I could never make it longer than a month, despite clearly and quickly seeing many positive side effects. I felt shame acknowledging relapses in my YBR journal, yet was surrounded by other well intentioned men who were also constantly resetting their counters. It just felt hopeless, and I've spent the last six years indulging, feeling shame, cutting back, returning with a vengeance and so on . . .
In the last six years I had two children, a girl and a boy, and got married. The limits on my free time keep me from over-indulgence, but I am sneaky and find my ways. I'm fortunate to have never experienced PIED, so my primary motivation to quit is my relationship with my wife. She sort of knows what I do, but I don't think she realizes how often and how impactful it is on my inability to create and sustain intimacy between us. In truth, the relationship went way farther than I ever intended it to and I think I've used P to both avoid those uncomfortable feelings and to put a wall up between us. But she is very important to me, an amazing mother, attractive and I absolutely want to be here with my family. So that decision being made, I need to make our relationship the best it can be, and this feels like a big step in us being able to grow.
And, of course, I want to quit for my kids. I will always love them unconditionally, but I would never want my daughter to be involved in anything like what I watch, or even be an IG model. And I would be despondent if my son spent as much time as I have in isolation, wearing deep, unhealthy grooves in his mind and holding back his full potential. The hypocrisy at hand is clear and needs resolution.
Before you say it, yes, I most want to do it for myself, to be in line with my own moral code, but these are two big important motivators for me.
I'm currently at six days. So far full on P has not been a struggle (give it time), but Instagram keeps trying to pull me in and I am now deleting the app from my phone. I can accidentally see a photo and feel surges of dopamine rushing through my brain. I've already deleted Twitter and Reddit in recent weeks. I'm trying to remain hyper-aware of my triggers. Family stress seems to be the biggest. Being stuck at home all the time with my wife and toddlers can be really frustrating at times and I'm noticing how much I want to retreat to PMO when the going gets tough. Just waking up is sort of a trigger. I'm a night owl and usually wake up second, and immediately my mind starts racing and I usually indulge. That is a habit I really want to kick, whether it involves P or not. It's just draining.
And I will try to stop short of getting into trigger territory, but one of the biggest problems I have with my P viewing is the consistent reinforcement of a certain scenario, typically infidelity against me, both with and without my consent. I'm pretty sure this stems from about 19 years ago, when I was both introduced to high-speed Internet P and a promiscuous girlfriend made a fool of me while I was away at school. I remember a switch to this kind of voyeurism happening around then and it has infected my thoughts/fantasies, both online and in person, ever since. That's a lot of years, huh? I have noticed during past reboot attempts that this starts to go away and I go back to normal, first-person, intimate scenarios. That's where I want to be.
Oh, there's much more I'm wrestling with but I'll save it for another time. I felt my strongest impulse yet this afternoon and decided to come here and write instead. Mission accomplished. Thank you for reading. Good luck out there.
