Recovered substance abuser. Switchin virtual inner stimulae to the reality.

Hi friends. Peter is my name.
I am new to this forum and I seek help. Seriously.
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Gender: male.
Age: 35
Curent relationship: none/single
Kids: no
Still virgin?: technically yes
Do I consider myself attractive?: yes.
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So here is my story in chronological order.
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Age 12:
- beginning of alcohol abuse.
Age 15:
- abusing alcohol at regular basis.
- abusing porn at regular daily basis.
- abusing PC games.
- maintaining good physique with regular exercise. In no way I was looking like some nerd. From outside: alpha male. But from inside weak emotional authistic-like kid.
Age 17:
- graduating at high school. Perfect model student.
- allready psychologically dependant on alcohol.
- no real relationship. Almost no experience with girls. Virgin.
- many emotional crushes with girls. Only few turned into short relationships.
- all I was doing was dreaming about girls I knew at that time. And suffering a lot. Venting through porn.
Age 22:
- graduating at university. Again perfect model, intelligent student.
- no relationship. Dreaming about girls only.
- only one sex opportunity when I was drunk. I couldn`t make myself.
- heavilly abusing alcohol. Heavilly abusing porn. Socialising only under the influence of alcohol. Socialising while sober was almost impossible.
Age 23 - 28:
- because of serious alcohol withdrawal symtoms (depression, anxiety, panic attacks) I became codependant on benzodiazepines.
- my friends convinced me to hire a hooker. The lady was very nice. After a 15 minutes of good erection, I couldn`t continue. We end up in the bed chatting.
Age 29:
- I honestly admited to myself, that I am in a deep shit. My addiction to alcohol and benzodiazepines was serious. I couldn`t abstain more that 24 hours. Otherwise serious withdrawal symptoms came.
- nevertheless, substance abuse continues....depression worsened. All I wanted was to drink/pill myself to death.
Age 34:
The day I was born again: 24. of November 2018
- I abruptly discontinued taking antidepressants, which were prescribed to me by a psychiatrist.
- I abruptly discontinued using benzodiazepines.
- I abruptly discontinued using ethanol.
- I started rehab under medical supervision.
December 2018 - February 2019:
- repeating epileptic seisures.
- psychosis and dellirium.
Age 35: summer of 2019:
- beginning to realise, what is really going on in the real sober world.
- attending intensive substance abuse recovery program.
- no relationship. Almost no socialising. Except in the job. No parties. You know, first year of recovery.
(almost) Age 36: june 2020
- I (almost) gave up porn.
- Abstaining from psychoactive substances. I am also not using any prescribed psychoactive drugs.
- Still attending recovery program and I will for the rest of my life.
- I realised following:
-- I can maintaing erection and achieve orgasm during masturbation while utilising vivid imagination. Porn is "usefull" tool. My imagination is very vidid.
-- I am so deeply wired into the "internal" stimulae (stimulae which comes from imagination), that I am almost immune to real world external stimulae.
-- This state is a direct consequence of long term substance & porn abuse. And also a direct consequence of missing real life experience with women.
-- I don`t have a GF at the moment. I am working on my social skills, which are lacking. You see, in my age, well ... I missed the train. Teenage years are gone. I am tired. Recovery from heavy addiction is rewarding but exhausting.

What I seek is following:
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1.) I am new into this. Directions, support ... anything is appreciated.
2.) I would like to "switch" my brain to find pleasure in real life stimulation and break addiction from my imagination,
3.) I am seriously concerned, that I will fail in the first intimate intercourse opportunity with real woman. My social skills are getting better and better. I believe, that it is only a matter of time when I will seduce my first woman in this new sober life.

Many thanks my friends!

Hi Peter, welcome to the forum. Recovering from addiction is indeed very exhausting, but rewarding in the fact that you are not someone who succumbed to its power but rose above it.

I don't think you should worry about failing at your first time. Failing is not in itself a bad thing. It's a great teacher, it helps us get better. I would worry about never failing, and by extension, never doing. Just do it man! It's like swimming, you don't learn unless you jump into the water.

I wish you plenty of strength and hope on your journey. Keep coming back to the journal and write on it.

Wolfman said:

Hi Peter, welcome to the forum. Recovering from addiction is indeed very exhausting, but rewarding in the fact that you are not someone who succumbed to its power but rose above it.

I don't think you should worry about failing at your first time. Failing is not in itself a bad thing. It's a great teacher, it helps us get better. I would worry about never failing, and by extension, never doing. Just do it man! It's like swimming, you don't learn unless you jump into the water.

I wish you plenty of strength and hope on your journey. Keep coming back to the journal and write on it.

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Thank you my friend! I will be posting my revocery progress here in this thread. I will also find some time and read other threads. Maybe I can help someone with something too.

Hey darkUnicorn,

Welcome, first of all to this forum. I think that your being on here shows the commitment to getting rid of your porn addiction. From your very brief overview we can read that you've already dealt with a  great deal of things in life. So coming on here is a great step towards rising above the addiction as Wolfman already said.

I look forward on your posts here, you will find that this is a community of almost unconditional support. So I hope to see more of you soon on this thread.


Good luck, stay safe and I am rooting for you!

Hi ShadeTrenicin and thank you for your kind words.
Indeed there were and still remain other issues: like problems with sleeping. Insomnia leads to a cluster of other issues.
I can honestly say that recovery from substance abuse is complex process.
This road is indeed exciting from time to time as I can find things and pleasures I never experienced before.

I hope I will be able to post some positive info/feedback here. Thank you

Hi friends.
Just a quick update here.
As I noted before, insomnia is a serious issue for me.
I am avoiding any psychoactive substances (prescribed or over-the-counter) to temporarily fix this problem.
So I started (again) to excercise crossfit on a daily basis. I have been doing crossfit in the past. During my drug abuse and also approximately one year after I began to abstain. I don`t want the get into the details of sport activity during my drug abuse .... this is all in the deep past.
So after circa one year of sobriety, during christmass 2019, I started to visit local gym almost every day. This gym is a piece of history. Nothing modern-fancy, just good-old-rusty gym for workout. I was visiting this particular gym when I was a teenager. It is very symbolic for me. So I was a regular visitor since december 2019 up until corona outbreak forced this gym to be closed.
During this period of regular almost daily exercise, my sleep improved significantly.
I also noticed often spontaneous erections and frankly, good horniness when near women

During corona closure, I continued exercising, but very irregularly, outside on the fresh air: crossfit, bicycle, walking.
My sleep quality deteriorated again.
My spontaneous erections and "feeling of being horny" almost dissapeared.

This magical gym reopened again. I am again exercising crossfit daily for about one week now.
Things I noticed so far:
1.) my sleep improved for the first time last night.
2.) my body shape was quite good before. But after one week I noticed another improvement: confirmed also by other people, not just me.
3.) it is a good place for socialising and venting bad feelings. As I wrote: this gym is not some fancy modern trendy place which you can find in modern shoping malls. People in this gym are like a family. Regular visitors. Good people.
4.) I am starting to be more calm and overall more self confident again.

Baby steps but very important to me

That's great darkUnicorn! I have also found similar improvements when engaged in regular physical activity. It is something that I also find difficult to sustain for long periods of time if i'm just doing it alone. I have considered joining a gym for some time but Covid-19 restrictions in my country mean gyms are still not an option. Exercise is certainly a big step in the right direction, I feel it's almost the polar opposite to PMO in terms of effect & benefits.

Hope you're going well and things are continuing to steadily improve.

Hey darkUnicorn,

It's all about the Babysteps. You can't expect anything else from this process.
Glad to see that the gym re-opened. Physical exercise is a very powerful tool to process feelings and improving your mental health. TO me personally working out and rebooting should be obligatory haha.

Good to see you're going forward (albeit slowly)

Stay safe, I am rooting for you!

Hi guys!
I would like to apologize for late reply.
Just a small update:
Today I reached day 19 in the row of my every day crossfit excercise. My sleep improved again a little bit. Exercise and better sleep boosted my confidence significantly. I am able to speak with women with more confidence while beeing grounded and more present in my body.
I also began to feel something (almost) new to me: the feeling of subtle arousal. A little bit of being horny. The natural way.
I also have to confess with one thing: I tried to masturbate with porn. Honestly, it gave me NO feelings of excitement. I simply gave up.
The above observations indicate, that I am not completely wrecked as I thought a while ago.

There is stil a long journey. Important things to improve:
1.) sleep: I am not able to sleep more than 5 and half hours. I am chronically sleep deprived.
2.) to get used in the next level of extensive addiction rehab program: This week I began visiting rehabilitation clubs for people who are abstaining from psychoactive substances for at least one year. It is not easy. I have to talk in front of many people and share my worst nightmares associated with long term addiction.
3.) talking to girls a little bit more. But without expecting anything. Just a natural social contact and learning social skills.

I think that I like my recovery process! 

Hi guys.
I have reached the 'depresion' stage of the recovery.
Let me explain a little bit. I am no longer able to reach satisfaction when occasionally masturbating. I also don`t feel arousal when daydreaming about 'nice' things. When near hot women I feel relaxed and not excited. Even the caffeine, which helped me in the near past, doesn`t have that kick-in effect.

I believe that above mentioned symptoms are a good signs of recovery. Maybe my brain is finally giving up the urge for virtual/artificial pleasure and stimulus.
I predict, that this stage will last for some time. And the only logical (and natural) solution to this issue will be seeking for the REAL pleasure and stimulation. And begining to gain pleasure from the real world.

What do you guys think?

Thank you and stay strong!

Hey man,

I think what you say sounds plausible, but I would also forward this question to other users since I have not experienced it myself. But, i have read about it in other threads on here, so you are not alone

How are you doing overal? Yhis must be day 22/23 for you, correct? Besides the depression are you noticing other symptoms? Like less brain fog, change in boners, stuff like that? Back in July you mentioned trouble sleeping, is that still the case? ANd how are your urges/triggers coming along and are you able to manage them?

A lot of questions from my end haha. Let us know how you are doing

Keep strong, and keep safe

Hi ShadeTrenicin.

ShadeTrenicin said:

Yhis must be day 22/23 for you, correct?

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No. The last time I touched myself was at evening 10. August. 4 days ago. The overall frequency of masturbation was on decline for 3-4 months before. The effect of masturbation is already simply fading out for some time.

ShadeTrenicin said:

Besides the depression are you noticing other symptoms? Like less brain fog, change in boners, stuff like that?

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Important info here:
I began to cut down caffeine intake today. 4 hours passed since I woke up today and no caffeine so far. I will probably abstain from caffeine for the rest of the day. I have no urge to take caffeine at the moment.
Caffeine is giving me negative effects: attention deficiency, maladaptive daydreaming and of course insomnia when taken after 3PM. On the other hand, caffeine is causing me occasional boners. I am well aware that I should quit caffeine completely.
Regarding the brain fog: I will have to wait to see if the brain fog will appear after the recent caffeine discontinuation.
Regargin the boners: I will have to wait for this to evaluate too.

ShadeTrenicin said:

Back in July you mentioned trouble sleeping, is that still the case?

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Yes, insomnia is still an issue. But I believe that recent caffeine discontinuation will help. I will monitor myself closely.

ShadeTrenicin said:

ANd how are your urges/triggers coming along and are you able to manage them?

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Honestly, my urges/triggers are very low for at least 4 weeks. When I occasionally masturbate (max 2 times per week), it isn`t enjoyable. It is just like a habit/duty. So I think now is the best time to quit faping completely.
I have a theory for this development: it is summer time here. I am spending a lot of time at the swimming/watersport areas. Also a lot of beautiful skimpy-dressed girls are on the streets. You get the idea. I believe that this real life exposure to the real stimulus is contributing to my loss of interest to touch myself.

ShadeTrenicin said:

A lot of questions from my end haha.

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No problem. I am happy to answer. The more I give to others, the more I receive from others. Simple