clandr
Member
Every moment a chance to begin again - Reboot Journal
Jan. 25, 2020
Entry 1
Current status:
I am 23 days into this reboot. So, 23 days sober, I suppose (including today, so far). Or 23 days with no PMO. I'm sure I'll figure out all the terminology as I go. Definitely flatlining, which, frankly, I'm kind of enjoying because I know it's temporary and I'm taking it as a sign that my brain is healing. That and the triggers don't seem to be as strong right now. I'm confident the cravings will increase though (past experience with reboots tells me this is true). My longest record that I can remember recently was a little over 90 days (that was a few years ago).
My current techniques are as follows: I started this reboot with a 24-hour fast. No food, no water. It was a good experience. It felt very primal, abstaining from basic needs. Toward the end of the 24-hour period, I felt more and more in control. I knew there was food around and I had all these thoughts of what I could eat, but I felt in control at a base level. It was very motivating. I plan to try it again during my reboot, especially once the cravings increase. After reading YBOP, I believe I'm what is called an intermittent user. I understand the neuroplastic changes due to intermittent use can "increase cravings, heighten stress responses, and can produce severe withdrawal symptoms."
I'm trying to drop or limit a lot of social media (Facebook, Instagram) and I'm trying to limit my TV watching to a couple times a week and only one or two episodes (I used to binge-watch Netflix all the time). I've also changed shows that I watch. If it's got a TV-MA rating I know it's gonna have a trigger for me. I live alone and currently don't have a girlfriend (we ended things about eight months ago); strangely the break-up wasn't about PMO. I did post on Instagram today though and hitting the search led me to a bunch of "suggested activity," with account profile pics of suggestive images. I didn't stay long and went and started some other activity. No PMO. A small victory. I'm hoping this won't trigger me later into PMO'ing, though. I'm definitely feeling fragile at the moment. Generally, it's been my experience that suggestive images are triggers for me which, unfortunately, are practically everywhere you go even without your cell phone. YBOP also explained natural dopamine. Consequently, I've been trying to exercise more.
Background:
My first encounters with pornography were with the advent of the internet. 1995-ish, I think. I was probably around 10 years old, maybe. We had dial-up and me and some friends would do internet searches. It would take 10 - 20 minutes for a single image to load (it was probably faster, but in my young mind it seemed like a long time), and after an hour or so we'd usually get bored and go back outside to play. All through high school porn just wasn't available and I don't recall ever actively seeking it out. I had a girlfriend and plenty of friends. I was very active; sports, church, job, school. It wasn't until my early twenties that it really hooked me. Even then it wasn't until my late twenties before I associated addiction with porn, much less that I could be an addict. I came to the realization finally. Any sexual problems I had with girlfriends during this time I usually just chalked up to nerves or "it's been a while." The relationships never lasted long anyway. I somehow knew that if they found out I looked at porn they'd probably bail, so I'd end the relationship before it got too serious. I've tried a few support groups/addiction recovery groups locally, but most of my "recovery" (which has been the last, maybe, 5 - 7 years) has just been me white-knuckling it and refusing to admit that I need help outside of my own willpower. And I haven't stuck with any of the support groups. Honestly, there've been some dark years. Depression and anxiety. A cycle of PMO bingeing followed by a few weeks of abstinence, then bingeing again. Year in, year out.
I just re-read the last paragraphs and, while honest, may convey that I'm quite down. But this reboot and the last 23 days have actually been really great. I've got a positive outlook and I'm feeling motivated, overall.
Goals:
I've tried goals in the past and I've learned that the broad, shoot-for-the-moon goals usually mean I go down in flames faster. Generally, they were broad like, "I'm never PMO'ing again." I'm trying to take a more practical approach this time around. My goal is to get to 90 days without PMO and to direct my thoughts toward my hobbies whenever I start to fantasize. YBOP suggested avoiding all artificial sexual stimulation. I hope to accomplish this 90 days by increasing natural dopamine (exercise, real life social interactions) and decreasing media usage (Netflix, fb, etc.).
My biggest question right now (which I'm studying) is how can I handle stress/anxiety in a more productive way, rather than running to overeating or PMO.
Jan. 25, 2020
Entry 1
Current status:
I am 23 days into this reboot. So, 23 days sober, I suppose (including today, so far). Or 23 days with no PMO. I'm sure I'll figure out all the terminology as I go. Definitely flatlining, which, frankly, I'm kind of enjoying because I know it's temporary and I'm taking it as a sign that my brain is healing. That and the triggers don't seem to be as strong right now. I'm confident the cravings will increase though (past experience with reboots tells me this is true). My longest record that I can remember recently was a little over 90 days (that was a few years ago).
My current techniques are as follows: I started this reboot with a 24-hour fast. No food, no water. It was a good experience. It felt very primal, abstaining from basic needs. Toward the end of the 24-hour period, I felt more and more in control. I knew there was food around and I had all these thoughts of what I could eat, but I felt in control at a base level. It was very motivating. I plan to try it again during my reboot, especially once the cravings increase. After reading YBOP, I believe I'm what is called an intermittent user. I understand the neuroplastic changes due to intermittent use can "increase cravings, heighten stress responses, and can produce severe withdrawal symptoms."
I'm trying to drop or limit a lot of social media (Facebook, Instagram) and I'm trying to limit my TV watching to a couple times a week and only one or two episodes (I used to binge-watch Netflix all the time). I've also changed shows that I watch. If it's got a TV-MA rating I know it's gonna have a trigger for me. I live alone and currently don't have a girlfriend (we ended things about eight months ago); strangely the break-up wasn't about PMO. I did post on Instagram today though and hitting the search led me to a bunch of "suggested activity," with account profile pics of suggestive images. I didn't stay long and went and started some other activity. No PMO. A small victory. I'm hoping this won't trigger me later into PMO'ing, though. I'm definitely feeling fragile at the moment. Generally, it's been my experience that suggestive images are triggers for me which, unfortunately, are practically everywhere you go even without your cell phone. YBOP also explained natural dopamine. Consequently, I've been trying to exercise more.
Background:
My first encounters with pornography were with the advent of the internet. 1995-ish, I think. I was probably around 10 years old, maybe. We had dial-up and me and some friends would do internet searches. It would take 10 - 20 minutes for a single image to load (it was probably faster, but in my young mind it seemed like a long time), and after an hour or so we'd usually get bored and go back outside to play. All through high school porn just wasn't available and I don't recall ever actively seeking it out. I had a girlfriend and plenty of friends. I was very active; sports, church, job, school. It wasn't until my early twenties that it really hooked me. Even then it wasn't until my late twenties before I associated addiction with porn, much less that I could be an addict. I came to the realization finally. Any sexual problems I had with girlfriends during this time I usually just chalked up to nerves or "it's been a while." The relationships never lasted long anyway. I somehow knew that if they found out I looked at porn they'd probably bail, so I'd end the relationship before it got too serious. I've tried a few support groups/addiction recovery groups locally, but most of my "recovery" (which has been the last, maybe, 5 - 7 years) has just been me white-knuckling it and refusing to admit that I need help outside of my own willpower. And I haven't stuck with any of the support groups. Honestly, there've been some dark years. Depression and anxiety. A cycle of PMO bingeing followed by a few weeks of abstinence, then bingeing again. Year in, year out.
I just re-read the last paragraphs and, while honest, may convey that I'm quite down. But this reboot and the last 23 days have actually been really great. I've got a positive outlook and I'm feeling motivated, overall.
Goals:
I've tried goals in the past and I've learned that the broad, shoot-for-the-moon goals usually mean I go down in flames faster. Generally, they were broad like, "I'm never PMO'ing again." I'm trying to take a more practical approach this time around. My goal is to get to 90 days without PMO and to direct my thoughts toward my hobbies whenever I start to fantasize. YBOP suggested avoiding all artificial sexual stimulation. I hope to accomplish this 90 days by increasing natural dopamine (exercise, real life social interactions) and decreasing media usage (Netflix, fb, etc.).
My biggest question right now (which I'm studying) is how can I handle stress/anxiety in a more productive way, rather than running to overeating or PMO.
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