Quick thanks to Gabe

Hi guys, I'm brand new here. I'm starting w/ a quick thanks to Gabe for the idea of moving my laptop. My reclining chair is a trigger for me. Duh! 
I'm at the kitchen table now and I'm only going to use the recliner for reading and reboot stuff.

Welcome Mr Slurps - so what brings you here? Would be great to understand a little bit more about your story, and objectives. I?ve only been here 2 weeks but started a journal within the appropriate age section (mine is 40+). I?ve already connected with some great guys through sharing and encouraging each other and it?s been a real help to me. Worth considering doing similar perhaps. Take care

Hi UK, Thanks for the response. Any is welcome. As far as why I'm here:
- I didnt' fit in to the nofap site, probably b/c of my age (60). Spontaneous boners, cold showers, 4 wet dreams/night, instagram issues, ... are not things I relate to.
- Encouragement is welcome and sharing reduces my huge amt of shame. But cheerleading and "does this count to break my streak?", gets old. (I'm day 47.)
- I've got lots of issues that I'm not sure are directly attributable to my porn addiction.
- B/c I'm older, my story is longer. It has juicy bits but I don't want to bore people I don't know w/ details.

I?m (only!) 47 and felt the same way about nofap (plus I now have a filter on my tech to stop me going to reddit!). I like the age banding on this site as it helps group guys at similar stages of their life.
As for the sharing - I understand, and there?s certainly no pressure here to do so. I do agree though that sharing what you?re comfortable with, and with the right people helps take away the power of shame, and in doing so loosens the grip of porn on your life.  It?s also good to know that you?re not the only one to have made the same mistakes, and this can help reduce shame (without diluting accountability of course) E.g.: your response to my post on chat rooms today helped me - thank you.

Well done on day 47! You?re 30 days ahead of me...let?s hope that?s always the case!

Hi,  Today has been one hell of a bad day. Didn't quite relaspse. (I distinguish between trips and falls so I can keep my streak going if I don't orgasm  I'm not sure if that's against the rules but I've thrown the rules out the window b/c I need whatever leverag I can get in this hellish struggle. 
Anyway, a friend sent me a link to chatrebate and I couldn't resist clicking. The rest was downhill, but not all the way. It goes to show how vulnerable I still am. This struggle may persist for a long long time. But it's better than no struggle at all.

Hey Mr Slurps - There are positives in everything, and a clear positive here is that you didn't follow the path through to conclusion. There are also learnings in everything too I believe. May I ask - who is this friend? Is this someone who is an actual real life friend who sent you the link (bit of an odd thing to send?), or is this a virtual friend from your PMO days? If the former, then can I suggest some sort of communication or feedback to them to ensure that they don't do that again (whatever you're comfortable with - doesn't need to be full disclosure of your addiction - there are other ways around it of course) If the latter, then perhaps this is a relationship that it's time to move on from. Please don't interpret this as judgemental or overly direct, but  this battle is hard enough without 'friends' sending you temptation. Get back on the horse, take action and close off the risk of that happening again. Be pleased with yourself for doing so. Onwards and upwards! Take care

Hi UK,  Thanks for those helpful/kind words. You're well-within what I consider acceptable thoughts/advice. It is my specialty to cross that line hahaha.
He is a real friend and I know he meant no harm. It is a good idea as you suggested to suggest it not happen again and I think I can do that subtly. He knows I started nofap but I explained it more as a self-challenge during quarantine. I'm still to shameful to come out and say I'm a porn addict. (Here is very helpful.)
Do you know if there is a way to ban sexual stuff from my phone? It works well on my laptop but I'm not sure if such blockers are possible on a phone or for such sites as that. A good lesson was that triggers can come from anywhere when least expected. There is definitely a residual effect/temptation I'm struggling w/ 3 days later. Not good!
On the positive side of the ledger I got a new job, started yoga and intermittent fasting (my weight was never bad), writing, and I noticed something really cool. I had a flash, no more than a fleeting realization that women may be more than sex objects. I've operated on that presumption for as long as I can remember. It is no wonder I've had no luck w/ keeping intimate relationships.
Today is day 50 and I wish I could report some sort of lessening in my attraction to porn. (Whenever I say that it includes masterbation.) It may actually feel harder. No light at the end of the tunnel is visible. If anything it feels like my possibility for relapsing is greater. It scares me.
Sorry for going on so long. How are you?

Hey Mr Slurps,

Congratulations on your new job, and great progress in this journey. The bit about women is particularly interesting. Cultivating this awareness and appreciation of women as something other than sex objects seems like an interesting avenue to (safely) explore. I have no idea how to do this, as I've always had a healthy perspective on women, and I don't want to patronise you by coming up with ideas, but it feels like an important component to help discover and define the real YOU, rather than the porn constrained you. Happy to discuss further if you want.

On the phone tips, I can share my own plan which may or may not be suitable for you depending on a range of factors:

1) Home WIFI has a parents control setting which filters out adult websites. My wife has the password to this, not me.
2) With the smartphone, it is possible to ask your 4G provider to filter out adult sites too. I haven't done this, but it's an option to those that need it.
3) With the smartphone itself, I have an iPhone. When this connects to that WIFI, the filters work as they do on my laptop. In addition, within the 'screentime' section under settings, I have set the browser to filter out adult sites (this also removes private browsing from Safari), AND I have disabled the ability to install new apps. I have asked my wife to password protect changes to this (different password to the main phone password), and only she knows the password. When I want to install/update an app, she puts the password in. I assume there is a similar option in android, but don't have any experience here.

I appreciate that:
A) this may not work for everyone depending on presence of someone to support you, and willingness to disclose why to them safely.
B) there are ways around the above if I really want to use them. However they take time and involve me being intentionally dishonest with my wife, both of which just add that extra resistance to dissuade me from implementing a work around.

There are other solutions too. I posted this morning within the 'porn addiction' forum (the link to the post is below)

http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=18363.0

You'll see there that there is a programme on the Porn Free Radio that talks specifically about this subject. Worth a listen.

On your last point about lessening your attraction to Porn, it will come, and will take time. Celebrating the considerable progress you have made, being clear on your triggers as part of a comprehensive plan, and starting to cultivate other areas of your life to fill the void (as you are clearly doing) are key.

Thanks for asking about me. I am really happy right now. I feel as if the discovery of this site has transformed my journey completely. I feel part of something, have support, and can support others. The feeling that gives me actually fills the void that porn leaves. For me, loneliness, rejection and boredom are major triggers. I can fix all of those by coming here just as effectively (in fact more effectively) than going to porn to fix them. Added benefit is that afterwards I feel great rather than crap!! Plus I'm meeting some really interesting and caring people and learning a lot about life, others, and myself. What's there not to like about that! Trick is for me not to get complacent.

Keep strong and good luck with the blocker plan.

Hi UK,  You really hit the nail on the head re the relationship issue. I definitely envy you b/c this has left a painful hole in my life. And I do feel the real me should and can value women as precious humans. There is little to lose by trying to change my paradigm and initially I'll try to look at it as a self-challenge to see what happens with the women I know/meet. (Even for the best of men they are hard to figure out sometimes. hahaha)
So any perspective you can lend won't be construed as condescending. Probably I'll greatly value it. And I'm very impressed that you've been able to enlist/confide in your wife on this grueling journey. As a matter of fact, you're the sum total of my outside support right now. (No pressure lol)
It's really valuable when I hear encouragement from an outside/more objective pov. So don't w/hold tough love when warranted. (I know I'm pretty f-ed up in the head.)
These cloudy feelings of inadequacy and hopelessness are at times excruciating- an impossible burden, or so it seems. Like I'm locked in a barrel and I don't even know where I am; if I break the barrel and I'm under water I'll drown and if I'm in the air I'll get broken up when I hit the ground. (Wow this is a pretty cool metaphor hahahaha!)
Back to the intimacy issue, when I look back on my journals, I see it has haunted me and frustrated me for a very long time- through 2 failed marriages. So one benefit of this journey is that I can get honest w/ myself and share the blame (one woman really was f-ed up.) I am starting to realize my addiction was a factor and my responsibility. Unfortunately I didn't have your courage/humility to share the struggle. This realization may be a positive effect of this struggle.
Man is it ever a tough pill to swallow my own guilt and complicity in lack/failing relationships. Probably I'm still too arrogant to digest the pill. (Watch out man, I've got another cool metaphor rolling lol.)
I do want to know how you're faring. I'll try the electronic control methods though I stink at that stuff.
I've run off at the mouth again. hahaha

Check this out:  Interesting step on my "grand woman experiment" (not just sex objects.) A woman, not attractive to me was walking her dogs and I initiated and had a very pleasant conversation. And I didn't die! hahaha As matter of fact, as we chatted her looks became unimportant.

Good morning Mr S,
I am enjoying our exchanges very much. Well done on your "grand woman experiment" too - I am sure your pleasant conversation had a positive impact on her day - I love it when people stop and talk to me, and find it really enriches the soul.
Seen as you have given me permission (I think), there is one observation I would like to make from our discussions so far. I have this theory that one key determining factor in one's mental health is the tendency to judge ourselves, and specifically to judge ourselves relative to our perception of others. This is dangerous for two reasons: 1) We are uniquely placed to see the whole of ourselves (all the 'bad' stuff) and 2) We are very poorly placed to see the whole of others - and everybody, yes everybody has a built in tendency to only portray the good stuff in their lives and character, which makes our comparisons with them even more skewed. I know because I've done it.
I really appreciate the openness in your messages, and through that I see a guy who maybe has made a lot of these negative comparisons and judged himself to harshly. As a result, these feelings of inadequacy and hopelessness become excruciating (your words).
When I read your other own words about yourself, I hear shame and guilt, I read 'I'm F'cked up in the head', 'I didn't have your courage/humility', 'I'm still too arrogant to digest the pill', 'I stink at that stuff'
I see something completely different - I see a guy who does have courage and humility in abundance (otherwise, you wouldn't be here), I see a guy who has high intellect, emotional intelligence, first class self reflection (the vast majority of the world just amble on repeating the same mistakes, blissfully unaware of their impact on others), I see someone who is generous and helps others (I've read your words of encouragement to many on here), and I see a guy with a great sense of humour coming through in your written word.

I'd be interested to know - get 2 highlighter pens ( a red one and a green one). Go back in your journals that you mention, and highlight the -ve stuff in red, and the +ve stuff in green. What's does the balance look like. How are you talking to yourself. Would you talk to others like that, or would there be much more green?

Yes, I have no doubt that you have done things, and acted in a way in the past that you judge to be substandard, immoral, and unkind. So have I. So has everyone here, and so has everyone in the world (be those actions porn related or not). To be honest, it doesn't matter anymore. It's gone. The only thing that matters is what we do now, and what we do now will be driven by our thoughts, and particularly our thoughts about ourselves. Don't ignore the blessing of your current awareness and state in favour of ruminating and regretting why you didn't have that benefit earlier in your life. Think as your PMO reset as more than just a PMO reset, but a reset of you - a line at which you can forgive yourself for the past mistakes and focus on the opportunity right now for the real you, the enlightened you to flourish. Notice the good things about yourself, write them down each day (maybe start a gratitude journal?) Practice some self compassion meditation. Above all be kind to yourself - if you can't you can never be truly kind to others.

Just an additional thought about past mistakes - it's only if we can detach ourselves emotionally from the shame and guilt of them, that we can use them for good, and specifically to help others. That in itself should provide us with a motivation for giving ourselves permission to forgive ourselves. Better to embrace and accept, looking on them as actions and poor choices we made rather than as part of our identity itself.

Anyway - sorry for rambling on a bit. Have a great day and take care.

Hi UK,  You have annoying tendency to see through me and show wisdom. hahaha Seeing the new me is reqd to forgive, I'll give you another chance (just don't be right so darn much!(  Re my journals, I'd be hard pressed to find anything positive re myself. (I'm convinced I'm f-ed up and I have found numerous ways to prove it, at least in my own mind.)  Man, you just nailed the comparison thing w/ others right on the head. It's like my life has been facebook even before it existed. All those beautiful happy faces..I never wondered what they looked like when they woke up in the morning. So yes, my view of the world is quite skewed and you're right, that is something w/in my power to change.
Nevertheless the list of people I've hurt scares me. And I don't want to make excuses (I had a couple craniotomies during adolescence.) So, how this porno addiction fits in, I haven't a clue. But I know it's not good on many levels.
Re self-reflection, that is a two-edged sword. It's easy for me to cross over into rumination/stagnation. But, there again, you're right, it's something worth working on. Getting too far down on myself can't be helpful.
You're really wise to look at the reset as also a unique opportunity to grow. Man, your observation that I have a double std w/ myself and others is undeniable. (See, I love to argue. lol) I could never forgive myself for doing something that I'd easily forgive someone else. That's really illogical and must be changed.
I love seeing positive people like you that take life in stride and forgive readily. Your wife got lucky in more ways than one. (I don't want to swell your head up hahahaha.) But seriously, thanks for your observations/help. At this point I doubt there is a line you could cross that would hurt my feelings.  How's things by you and jolly ole?

Morning Mr S,

The book I read that really changed me was 'Stop Thinking, Start Living' by Richard Carlson. Well worth a read.
I think that the porn starts as a symptom of other things, but then discovers a life of its own by hijacking the brains reward system. Makes sense to also look at the other underlying reasons we fell into the trap in the first place. Whatever has happened in the past, it's only our thoughts that keep those 'things' alive and messing with our emotions. That's not of course to deny them, or absolve ourselves of accountability and a responsibility to take the learnings, but once we've done that, the presence of those thoughts in our minds is only destructive. This book helped me not only realise that, but start to live it too (plus the meditation helps train the brain to take notice of the thoughts and help me separate 'them' from 'me')

(by the way - thanks for the complement, but I don't have a lot of wisdom - just read a lot on self improvement and repeat what works for me - no original thoughts!!)

All good here thanks for asking. Day 23...a week until 30!

Cheers for now.

Hi UK,  Thanks for the help. The way you described the process of porn addiction is probably accurate. It's the "friend" I turn to to alleviate frustration and provide excitement. That foe is relentless and powerful, at least for now.
Also I'm feeling w/drawal side-effects others have mentioned- insomnia, feeling blah, wavering in my commitment, and disconnected. Some may be due to quarantine.
I'm going to read the book you mentioned. It sounds perfect for where I'm at.
Full abstention in April will probably be the first full month in 46 years. Wow!
Good work on your journey.

Hi UK,  I'm really hoping your silence is not due to a slip or fall. (I distinguish.) Two days ago I had a slip-edging. It was bad and the chaser effect is still around. But in my counting, I'm at 55.
How are you?

Hey Mr Slurps, I am good thanks, and my ?streak? is intact at 25 days. How are you? What happened with your ?slip-edging?? What were the triggers and learning? Well done on not succumbing. That shows real strength. Me an a couple of guys (Traveler32 and ShadeTrenecin) have found some real help in a 6 point ?emergency? plan. Have a look in my journal or ShadeTrenecin?s - it?s really simple but effective. It helped me a lot yesterday. Well done on 55. We?ll hit 60 and 30 respectively at the same time! Cheers

Hi UK,  I feel like I'm going down the tubes, edged again today but got lucky work called.  I'm feeling powerless.

Tried unsuccessfully to block chtrbate on my phone. Tomorrow 60 days at 60 yrs old.  Sad! 
I know edging will delay relapse but I need a streak right now for a life line.

I meant delay reboot.  I'm frazzled!

Hey Mr Slurps - BE STRONG! Did you read the 6 point emergency plan (I can now copy it below for your convenience as I am on my PC rather than phone). What do you think if it?

I recommend stopping the edging right away - it's like an alcoholic hanging around outside an off licence/liquor shop. Only going to end in one outcome.

Ref the phone. Just a thought - do you really need all the smartphone features. A really simple way to deal with emergency periods is to lock the smartphone away and transfer the SIM card to a $15 phone with no features. No tech ezperience required to do that.

For from being powerless, you are the only one with the power to prevail. Stop, take some deep breaths, meditate on the content below. Then make your decision.

1. Recognize the urge
2. Allow that the urge is there (you cannot will it away, let it be and analyze it)
3. Investigate why the urge is there (is there something inside of you that makes you resort to PMO?)
4. Realize that the urge is temporary
5. Recall the feeling of emptiness after a PMO wank
6. (optional if the urge is really strong) Resort to an emergency activity such as sports, anti-sexual activities, other hobbies.

Good luck my friend. Let me know how you go.