I always feel bad

[color=navy]Hi everyone,

I'm new on here and never knew there were online communities with regards to wanting to stop watching pornography. 

I've tried stopping so many times and I can go for several weeks without viewing porn and masturbating.  But I always end up doing it again and then I feel depressed, dirty and hating myself.  I want to stop for good. 

I have clinical depression and social anxiety and although I would like to have a relationship (I'm a gay male), having depression and social anxiety prevents me from finding someone.  I use pornography to fill that void and it's an artificial means for gratification. 

I've tried meeting guys online but they're mostly into one-time sexual encounters and usually very dirty and I'm not ready or willing to do that.  And knowing me, I would end up very depressed and guilty.  I've only met 2 men online in the past (the last one was around 20 years ago) and it was very vanilla and we only kissed and touched each other. 

Whenever I see a good-looking guy/man, I get aroused and often, this leads to fantasizing and eventually leads to porn and masturbation.  I always end up feeling bad and guilty for the next few days and up to a week afterwards. 

I would like to stop for good.  I'm tired of doing the same thing and always feeling so bad.  It's like that saying "Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result." 

I've read about how to stop porn and masturbation and I know how to stop but my hormones take over me once I start looking at porn and then I can't stop and I masturbate as a result.  I feel so bad that afterwards, I shower relentlessly yet still feel so dirty.  For days afterward, I still feel so bad  :-[

I think I need accountability and that's why I'm here  :

Once I stop for good and stay that way, I'm still not ready to meet a guy in person because if it leads to sex, the result will be basically the same, I would feel bad, dirty and guilty.  So my first step is to stop porn and masturbating.  Please help, thank-you! 

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Hi Wallie
Glad that you're on the forum looking for help. Although in a straight marriage, I have watched same sex porn addictively in the past. Used to fantasize about male to male contact. Can relate to some of what you are describing. Perhaps you could focus on what you mean by "dirty". You sound condemned by guilt. Think again? PM if it would help you.

Hi Wallie,

Two things at play here ... PMO (porn - masturbation) making you feel bad and looking for a relationship. For the first, you have to go cold turkey on the PMO -- cut the triggers, count the days, and keep writing about it in your journal. It takes a bit of time and energy, but it works. Share the failures and successes with this group and you will get all the support you need.

For the second, anonymous sex (online, cruising,etc) and relationships belong in two completely conversations. Relationships best start as friendships, but friendships do not happen over a drink, they happen over time. Check your friends .. are you keeping in touch with old friends? It wakes a bit of work too. Are you looking for non-sexual things to do - go to a film. dinner., play cards? Not being alone helps keep your mind off the PMO too.

Bottom line, the easiest way to get started is to write something here every day. It helps not to have to go it alone.

-jj
1085 days no PMO