Ending an Insidious Addiction

Ending an Insidious Addiction
I?m new to posting but have looked around the site from time to time over the last year.  It?s been helpful to see that others are dealing with the same issues I am.  Gone through the reboot process several times on my own but ultimately fell back into PMO habit. 

A friend of mine?s brother is an alcoholic and she asked for some advice.  I thought about my uncle who spent the last 35 years of his life sober after fighting alcoholism.  He was a loyal Alcoholics Anonymous member which is what I recommended to her for her brother.  It hit me that one thing missing from my previous attempts to quit was what makes AA effective ? community and accountability.  Something changed inside me during this last round of PMO bingeing which ended yesterday, September 10th, 2019. 

I realized that this habit will be a life wrecker at some point.  The cost so far has been hidden.  On the outside my life looks pretty good.  I?m not married, have had lots of girlfriends, lots of sex partners and am currently in a good relationship.  Unfortunately, sex with my girlfriend is lousy because I?ve brought on a nasty case of PIED.  It?s completely my fault too.  On top of the success I?ve had with women, I have a great job, make plenty of money, live in a nice condo, am in good shape, good relationship with my family ? everything that says ?this dude?s got it together,? except there?s this insidious addiction hiding in the background.  It feels like being a brand-new truck with a rusted-out engine.

The PMO habit represents the worst in me ? attachment, insecurity, and lack of discipline.  I assumed this habit would fall under pressure like many other goals I set.  Wrong.  It?s lurking in the background all the time, waiting for when you are weakest to strike.  This time failing doesn?t feel like an option anymore.  Too much at stake.  Too much to lose.

A little history on where this all began.  I?m 44 now and the heavy PMO didn?t start until my mid-twenties.  Before that the internet connections were garbage.  I?d checked out some porn online and in magazines but nothing too crazy.  It started as short sessions and collecting some pics.  Eventually it turned into longer sessions but wasn?t out of hand because of work and my social life.  By my early thirties many friends were married with kids, so I had a little more time, and filled some of it with PMO. 

Mid to late thirties I ended a relationship that had run its course and decided to give up porn.  I was fine for months but then something happened?I started again.  This time the habit started slowly and turned more time consuming than before.  Later I quit again but came back.  I repeated this a few more times and realized there might be a problem.  Each time after stopping for weeks or months the cravings got worse, as did the compulsiveness.  I?d be doing other things but thinking about when I could get back to my computer for another fix.  Totally weak.  Totally attached. 

Recently I quit again January 1st, 2019.  Made it to April without too many problems, then the wheels came off.  Since then it?s been round after round of quitting for 1-3 weeks, bingeing for 1-2 days, feeling disgusted with myself, and quitting again.  It?s a vicious cycle that I must end.

I?ve spent a lot of time analyzing my triggers, weaknesses, replacement habits, and techniques.  The best I?ve found is to go through everything in detail, commit, and then live my life.  It has worked better than focusing on no PMO.  It has worked for months before but that one moment of weakness is all it takes to bring the habit back.

This is what I?m most interested in learning from those who have been through it.  After pushing through the short-term pain of quitting, possibly months later, how do you get past the urge that you thought was gone?  When you are weakened from sickness, a hangover, it?s dark at 4:30, Chicago cold, and there?s nothing really going on?  When your subconscious throws every excuse it can at you ? ?you?ve been clean for XX days, one session won?t hurt,? or ?just a quick look for that one video,? or ?remember how good it feels??  It?s always there waiting to trip you up?waiting to get its fix. 

Here?s a quick list of my triggers:
1 ? boredom: It leads to mindless web surfing which leads to problems.
2 ? media: ads, news stories, some movie scenes can all bring the urge on strong
3 ? my desk:  I work at home now and have found that sitting at my desk alone can be a trigger that builds into a PMO session.  The habit is so ingrained that just sitting there can bring up thoughts.
4 ? real life: sometimes girls on the street, in the gym, wherever can bring the urge on.
5 ? fantasy: I?ve had a lot of wild and funky sex experiences in the past.  When they start playing in my head, especially at night in bed, it?s a seed that can grow into a full relapse.  This one is particularly insidious because it?s in my head and can?t be avoided.  All I can do is to refocus my brain and not to linger on the thoughts.

If you?ve made it to the end, thanks for reading.  Opening up to others, even though they are anonymous, is not easy.  I appreciate any help or advice you can give.  In turn I hope to be able to help others.  Thanks. 

Day 1 clean.

Hi Chicago.  Looks like you already know what to do and have already previously amassed good streaks.  Best wishes as you start this new commitment.  You can do it again! 

Hey Chicago,

I mirror that same path; the couple months clean, then it all falls apart.

I have seriously been here and at this since the spring of 2015. And, I recently decided I couldn't do it myself. So, I did as you recommended to your friend. I started a 12 step (SAA) program. I am having a bit of a hard time with the religious aspects of my particular group but I realize that it doesn't matter. I have to stop.

Like you said, I would go for a couple months with no problem, then boom. Back at it.

I attended my first SAA meeting in Chicago. I am from a nearby state and was traveling there on business. Since that time, I have settled into a group that is closer to home but I will always keep those meetings in my mind with I am on the road. That is where it is most difficult for me. At least that is where I ran into the biggest problems. Anyway, I encourage you to check it out.

Glad to have you here.

Peace

Thanks guys, appreciate the encouragement. 

This addiction is so sneaky.  Had some urges today but it wasn't a problem because it's early in the process and the will is strong.  I've figured out over time and attempts that motivation and willpower is not enough.  Willpower has been great for conquering other life goals and even getting through the initial, nasty part of quitting the PMO habit.  There's a battle to fight.  A foe to beat.  It's later when you feel like you've won that the subtle suggestions start.  I've gone through some past failures to stay clean and found that they frequently happened over weeks.  Small things like clicking on an ad to take a look at a higher res version of the picture.  It's nothing.  Meaningless.  A few days later another click or three.  Maybe a "self adjustment" if the pic is pretty hot.  Then it slowly turns into actively pursuing which is the killer.  There is no avoiding sex related pics / videos because they are everywhere.  A tip to anyone new to this is once you go from seeing to pursuing you're in a serious danger zone.  It can seem harmless but each click is one step closer to falling. 

It's brutal because each step is so small and subtle that if you don't recognize it, and are not 100% committed to the core that PMO is never an option, you're toast.  Even at 99% commitment you will crack eventually.  It can take weeks, months, or even years.  I'm working from that mindset this time with the forum and getting back into meditation and affirmations, which have helped in the past.  Clearly I don't know how to get to the 100% default position yet or I wouldn't be here!   

To that end Bob, how did you find the SAA group?  It sounds like it's been a help.  I'm interested in learning more.  Sounds like a great tool to have available. 

Chicago,

It has been a help. While I struggle with my definition of the Higher Power, I acknowledge that this process has the potential to "work." I have tried different things in the past. They haven't worked so I am not going to let my questions on religion stop me from following the direction of this 12 step program. As they say, "It works if you work it!" so I am committed to this end.

There are more than 15 SAA groups in and around the Chicago area. I have included their website which will provide you the different meeting places and times.

The first time attending can be a bit scary but every group I have attended has been very welcoming. I encourage you to try it.

https://saa-recovery.org/



I am also including their definition of the Three Circles of Recovery. This concept has been helpful for me as it has made me look at middle circle behaviors, the very ones you discuss that lead you "down and away" from our intended goal. It is the click bait, the "let's just look at this one image," that seems to emerge at the crossroad of my recovery. It is the beginning of the first slip. Its the beginning of the end.

https://saa-recovery.org/literature/three-circles-defining-sexual-sobriety-in-saa/[/url]

Good luck and let me know how it goes.

Peace

Thanks for the info Bob.  It's helpful.

It's still early on this reboot, 5 days.  Ran into a massive round of urges today.  It hit me that this was exactly the scenario that caused relapses before - Monday morning, girlfriend left, working from home, not particularly busy, and feeling a little cloudy from having several rounds of beers with the football game.  Reading the news online and mindlessly clicked on an ad and it was on.  Without even thinking I was going right back to the behavior that got me in trouble in the past.  I didn't even realize it happened.  All of a sudden I'm clicking through a shopping website looking for pictures of attractive women.  It was like I wasn't even in control.  Felt like watching myself from a distance.  I was completely detached from the activity, it was like it was just happening. 

Thank God I caught it, stood up, and got out of the room.  No relapse but was headed right for it.  The habit is so ingrained that it happened without thinking.  What is scary is that I've been through this many times before.  I know what to watch out for.  Know not to let my web surfing stray from the task at hand.  Know that my brain is constantly trying to trick me into getting it's fix.  I was ready for it because the first week or two is usually when the worst urges come for me.  All this and I still almost fell right back in.  If I would have indulged a little long I would likely be starting over again.  After catching myself and getting the heck away from the computer it's been a stream of excuses from my brain on why I should take another look.  Trying to pull me back because it thinks I'm close to cracking.

To prevent this I'll of course be much more careful on even the first click.  I was thinking productivity software could work where it blocks all non work related websites for specific time periods so you aren't distracted.  Usually it's to stay off of ESPN and Facebook but there is no reason that it wouldn't work for most websites that have trigger content...for me.  Ah well, the journey continues through a scare. 

Chicago,

This addiction sure is an dangerous animal. Sneaks up on you before you know what is happening.

Stay true.

I know how automatic it can be. I sometimes find myself staring at the computer, after having read the news and done everything I needed to do, and feeling like there's "something else" I wanted or needed to do. It could be just a broader effect of the internet -- clicking and instant gratification is how the internet works, after all -- but so often a desire for porn was what kept me lingering at my machine.

I totally relate to what you talk about in your thread and I am in the same cycle of a few months off then bang, right back in the addiction; 0-60 in the time it takes to click through to a porn site. It doesn't matter how long I'm away from porn, when I go back to it, I am deep in the addiction within moments.

What I have learnt about my relapses is that if I entertain the idea of having a binge for too long, I am in the danger zone. For me thinking about looking/bingeing will be enough for me to get a kick which starts off the addictive cycle.

I feel the key to my recovery is learning to gently guide my thoughts back to the present moment when the cravings begin.

My girlfriend is out of town next weekend and I am already noticing the addiction rising up from its slumber. Cunning, baffling and powerful!

Wishing you strength on your journey and hope you are gaining insight into how to fight this addiction.

As always, thanks for the help and reinforcement guys.  Been travelling for work the last several days with meetings, flights, and entertaining.  As much as I like a break to relax, being scheduled pretty tightly with things you can't blow off professionally helps.  There is very little time alone where the chance of taking a "quick" look can happen. 

Camus, you brought up something that I hadn't thought too much about - thinking about looking at porn.  I know running through videos or pics in your mind is a bad idea.  Fantasy is only a step away, maybe a quarter step, from losing control.  Indulging the little voice in your head that says "you'll be alone in a few days.  You've been clean for awhile.  Just take a look through a few videos..."  It makes sense that if you don't let that go quickly then it can grow into a problem.  Looking back I know I've fallen for this trick several times.  It didn't register though because it wasn't a picture, a video, a direct trigger.  Which leads to...

Last night when I got home from travelling I was looking forward to (trigger 1) a chill evening alone (trigger 2).  Hit the gym to work out the plane legs and all was good.  Started mindlessly surfing (trigger 3) then opened a Youtube video that was sent to me (trigger 4).  I admit that I had let the thoughts of doing a little bingeing stick in my head a little too long early in the week.  No plan to do it, but the thought popped up a few times and I didn't let it go.  Now I recognize that trigger it will be easier to deal with it.  Once you're in Youtube, especially without a specific purpose to get in and out, you're in a minefield.  Youtube pays lots of people lots of money to figure out how to get you to stay on their site and keep cllicking videos.  There's a whole science behind it.  Like an idiot I indulged them and started mindlessly clicking through suggestions.  Inevitably some videos came up that started to trigger a light spike...and I kept going.  The habit is that strong.  Eventually I got to some videos that I could really feel the urge, as they said in Spinal Tap, turn to "11."  It wasn't anything close to porn since it was Youtube.  I wasn't even logged in so the adult filter was on.  It still triggered the response and would have led me right off the cliff.  I caught it (again) and got away from the computer like it was radioactive.  No relapse but I feel like an alcoholic who keeps going to bars and sipping someone's drink.  At some point you will fall.

I've been through this many times and know not to do some of the things I keep doing.  The urges have been crazy strong when I'm not fully engaged in something.  Much stronger than previous attempts.  I think some of it is related to the last several attempts to straighten out.  From my original post I went clean from Jan 1 to late April and it wasn't too bad.  From there it's been a few weeks quitting followed by a few days bingeing.  Wash, rinse, and repeat.  I think that short term cycle has reconditioned my brain to think that even if I quit, it'll only take a few weeks to get me back to the habit.  Now it's working overtime to get its fix.  It sucks when the brain you rely on for getting you through life is actively trying to sabotage your success.

Going through it this morning I realized that for me at least the compulsion is the problem.  Nothing I ended up looking at last night would classify as porn.  It's the typical Youtube stuff of girls showing skin to get clicks.  A yoga pose in gymware gets 200 clicks.  The same yoga pose in a skimpy bikini gets 2,000.  It works for them because fools like me click on the bikini version.  The compulsion part is wanting to click on the next one...and the next one.  That is the response.  That is the problem.  All of that stuff is porn to my mind.  Outside it's just showing some extra skin to increase sales.  The Victoria's Secret ad, the beer commercial with the women in bikinis, the news story about J-Lo's bikini Instagram post - to my brain right now they are all porn.  They illicit exactly the same response to a milder degree, though not always.  That response leads right down the compulsion wormhole where one more click can turn into a full on porn binge.  For now I have to accept that all images or videos that trigger even a slight "up-tick" are porn.  It is unavoidable since sex is used to sell everything.  Knowing where my brain is at I can at least be mindful of the trigger and let it go.  Exposure isn't the problem - compulsion, obsession are. 

Long post so sorry if eyes are worn out.  I'm committed to this part of the process so when the trouble hits and the insights come I'll share them..sometimes in bulk!  Nothing that others haven't gone through many times.  Since posting on this forum is new to me during this reboot, one of the factors that pulled me out of the Youtube death spiral last night was accountability.  Knowing that I would force myself to post about relapsing, which to me is a failure, stood out as different than in the past.  Their are a lot of others on this forum going through the same things and fighting their own battles.  I thought that some lesson I learned, something in the mess of words I knew I would have to write this morning, some insight, might help someone who's fighting this demon - that helped pull me away from falling right back into a binge.  So instead of feeling like a weak, dumbass, failure this morning I feel like a dumbass who dodged a bullet...and part of it was due to a whole bunch of guys who I don't know personally but who know what I'm going through.  For that I am thankful. 

Yes, Chicago, great reflections there, man. What you described there happens to every one of us. That's the thing with addictions: Everyone end up sharing similar stories. This is also good because you realize you are not alone, it's not just you going through this, you are not weird or anything.

"Relaxing the guard" seems to be a common thing among rebooters who have a longer streak. They all say the same thing: "I thought that I didn't need to be that super strict because I had made it that far and I could handle it". This is where the addicted brain finds a weakness and it tries to exploit it: "Look at something light, just for a minute, it won't do any big harm, right? Because you can handle it, you stayed away from it for tens of days." This is where you start thinking that looking at some social media pictures or some Youtube video will not do much damage because it's not porn. Everybody has a moment when this thing tries to sneak on them. Youtube and social media, as you already know, are full of triggers for us. We are not normal people who could go there and be fine. Some people can drink a glass at dinner, chronic alcoholics can't. The idea is not to go crazy about it like: "Oh, my God, I can't be a normal fucking human being", but it's to learn how to live and enjoy your life around that. Thing about this: if you didn't have one leg, what would you do? Try to live your life with this, right? We have to live our lives like that when it comes to porn because we have been handicapped by porn, we don't have one leg because of porn.

An addiction is always pain. Quitting an addiction means going through it's withdrawal. This withdrawal is suffering but there is no other way. It's a short period of suffering in comparison to the rest of the years we have left in our lives. What do we choose? Suffer for a few months and be free or suffer because of the addiction's effects for years? I know what everyone will answer to this.

Stay strong, man. A relapse is not a failure, is an opportunity to see what mistake we made because we make a mistake when we relapse. We have to identify all the mistakes and avoid them. A relapse starts earlier in our minds before we go looking for porn material. It could be just 1 minute, it could be minutes, it could be hours, even days. We have to see it coming and decide to stay away from searching for porn material no matter what. No social media, no Youtube, nothing. Staying away from the poison makes it impossible to ingest it.

Lero said:

rebooters who have a longer streak. They all say the same thing: "I thought that I didn't need to be that super strict because I had made it that far and I could handle it".

Click to expand...

Too true. That Robert Strauss phrase about success.... "it's like wrestling a gorilla. you can't quit because you're tired. You can only quit when the gorilla is tired". And our gorilla has boundless stamina.

Thanks for your posts, CC. Your observations and insights are helpful on a day like today, when I come to the forum not feeling all that dedicated. What you mentioned about different parts of the brain, or your own brain sabotaging you -- it's a reminder to me that seeing my mind as divided, or as made up of different energies, any of which I can sometimes fully identify with as "I" or "me," can help me get out of a tough moment.

For example, when I don't care about my recovery, and I'm just thinking up lustful images and thoughts, I'm so invested in it that I can't really conceive of the "me" that's involved in a no-porn effort. I can't see anything outside that lust. But then a shift happens, maybe from this forum or from some other cause, and that lustful state passes as a moment I don't identify with so strongly. Then I'm in a different place, where I might think of gardening, or cooking, or something else, and become invested in that, and in doing it.

It's similar with the "gorilla" and "chimp" that WIP writes about, I guess -- a way to conceive of different parts that are all "me" at various times. Remembering that could conceivably make it easier for me to lessen or relativize the lust when I'm feeling it (as in, "Hey, this is just a feeling that's part of me now, it's not all of me, and it will pass and I'll take up another standpoint."). But I don't know, those moments are hard. Like I said, today I came to the forum not even logged in, not feeling like this effort was "me," but now at the present moment I feel it is.

Hey Chicago, 43 year old with same profile as you.  12 year porn addict, Started this journey 2 years ago in July.  I've had the breakthrough, still on the journey.  Oct 7 last year was my last relapse after a night of drinking.  Got really pissed at myself and made the decision to change my life.  You need to read "Awaken the giant within".Tony Robbins.  You need to change the way you are looking at this.  Its a decision.  Your either going to be a porn addict the rest of your life or you are going to go in a new direction.  There is no in between, its black and white.  People will do more to avoid pain than they will to gain pleasure.  So, when your about to relapse, you need to think how you are gonna feel 2 minutes after you cum.  Your gonna feel like shit.  We've all done it.  If you willl think about that feeling before you go to your favorite porn site, you will stop what your doing.  There is no justification for doing it.  Its the devil.  That feeling 2 minutes after you come is the decay of life. You have got to make the decision, Your either going to be a porn addict or not.  There is no in between.  I'm coming up on a year porn free.  Still having some crazy headaches, my erections are improving but I'm not there yet.  Get ready, make the decision stay on your path.  Any addiction will kill you.  This is no different. Its the rot of life.

Disappeared for a little while due to a heavy work load, travel, and some family health issues.  Not a good excuse but it is what it is.  During the last month I relapsed once a few weeks back.  Disgusting feeling as always to have my discipline fail at the crucial decision moment - to go ahead and indulge or get the hell away from the computer.  Unfortunately I made the wrong call.  Looking at what happened, the relapse fit the same profile as so many others - I had not been keeping up with the habits that strengthen my will (meditation, journal, eating clean, etc.), had several drinks the night before so my brain was a little, slow Monday of work, back in the home office after having been on the road for a few weeks, and alone.  That deadly combination has gotten me before and did again.  Some clicks that I shouldn't have indulged and an incessant pull to keep going just a little deeper because "it won't hurt.  You've been cleaned up for a few weeks."  Boom, I'm clicking through old, familiar videos. 

No excuses, it's my fault.  The porn isn't to blame, the situation, whatever.  I had the opportunity to turn back and chose not to.  It helps to see others on the forum who go through the same things and soldier on.  Getting hold of this addiction is a path not a destination...and it sucks!  Since the relapse I've added a few other personal conditions to manage the addiction:
- moderated drinking significantly on Sundays
- not working in my office on Monday mornings if I work from home.  I moved my laptop out to the kitchen table which is right by a window. 
- digging deeper internally to get to the root of the addiction.  I'm trying to figure out how to get past relying on motivation and discipline as my only defense...because as I've mentioned before, if the change isn't to the core, 100%, I'm going to fail. 

Curt76, thanks for the recommendation on "Awaken the Giant Within."  I read it years back and applied it to my career successfully.  Didn't think about applying it to this but I'll have to dust the book off and go through it again.  Bob recommended another book I read through right after the relapse called "Recovery - Freedom from our Addictions" by Russell Brand.  Very insightful about 12-step recovery programs but from a humorous, approachable perspective.  Found another book called "Refuge Recovery" which approached the addiction topic from a Buddhist point of view instead of Christian.  In the next week or so I'll get into some details on both books.  Maybe they can help others as well.

As always thanks for the help and support. 

Sounds like you are actively taking charge of this situation. When you mentioned working from home as a trigger, I thought immediately how that was my downfall and moving my home office to a more visible area of the house helped a lot.

Then you mentioned kitchen window, and I recalled how the temptation to go into the fridge or pantry arose when working near the kitchen. So I got into  a program of drinking as much water as I could to fight the urge to put anything and everything in my mouth. Bought a Brita and a Sodastream machine. Best investments I ever made. Just kept drinking water and peeing it out again, flushing out this insidious addiction  without putting on unnecessary weight.

Stick with the program, it works! (1098 days no PMO)

-jj

Thanks for the encouragement jjacks.  1098 days PMO free is an awesome accomplishment.  Definitely getting a physical separation from the area that you used to engage in PMO helps as does being visible to others.  Working from home is great because of the schedule flexibility.  It does pose some issues with distraction though and the urge to do some mindless web surfing which can lead to danger. 

Something else interesting you mentioned is the kind of replacement addiction of food.  Sounds like you worked through that by flipping the habit over to water to save your waistline.  In a lot of the reading I've done on addiction and behavior seem to show that some people are more likely to become addicted to anything.  Kind of a minor compulsive trait that I've noticed this in myself.  When I've stopped PMO in the past it feels like I'm more compulsive in other parts of my life.  I know a replacement habit is important for this reason but sometimes it's hard to have one queued up when the urge strikes.  This forum has been a great help but I've even noticed a minor compulsion to check it has developed.  It could be my brain is still working it's way through the short term anxiousness of not getting it's PMO fix.  It's only been a couple of weeks.  I'd be curious to know if others experience the same draw towards other compulsive behavior when quitting. 

I woke up this morning for the first time with the thought in my head "get through today clean."  Never happened before.  It was a pleasant surprise to have my subconscious provide something valuable in relation to PMO instead of the porn images that I used to look at.  I know it intellectually and have read tons of books on fitness, personal growth, and addiction recovery that tell you to focus on the small, daily habits that lead to success.  You don't have to make it through the month, 100 days, a year, a lifetime.  You only have to make it to the end of the day.  Then tomorrow you have to make it to the end of that day.  Eventually it turns into long term success.  From the perspective of someone who is 17 days into another reboot, one year clean sounds really difficult.  One day is pretty manageable though. 

Maybe some of the things I've been reading over the years are finally sinking in to this thick skull. 

Hey Chicago. Just a shout out to wish you the very best on your recovery journey. I also wanted to thank you for so actively encouraging others through posts on their threads. Be well my friend. Love Lyon.

Thanks Lyon.

Tough weekend.  Ended up calling it quits with a girlfriend of about 5 years.  It had been a little rocky lately with some PIED on my side and some major family issues on hers.  It all culminated in a blowout Saturday and we decided that the best idea is to go our separate ways.  Not a problem as I saw this coming at some point.  I'll move on and be a little more selective in the future instead of choosing to look past red flags I saw awhile back.  This isn't a relationship post though.  I woke up Sunday morning and once I cleared my head from the night before, the urges to look at porn hit like a freight train.  My subconscious must have sensed weakness and went into full attack mode.  Every excuse popped into my head:

- she's not around today, what else are you going to do?
- what about that one video?
- just break the streak today and start again tomorrow.
- you haven't been clean that long this time, why not enjoy today and start clean tomorrow?
- it's a great distraction from the previous drama
- it'll take the sting away
- back to true single life.  No girl to worry about, why not take a look?

And on and on.  It's so nasty when your own brain is actively working against you.  Trying to take you down.  Thank God I recognized it and didn't relapse.  It was not easy with that hangover "blah" feeling and the emotional stir of a big fight and breakup the night before.  Day was kind of ugly so going outside wasn't as appealing...but I did it anyway.  Walked to a grocery store that was a good distance away and got my mind under control.  It didn't stop the pull towards porn but gave me enough separation and physical distance to rebuild my mental defenses.  Today the urge is still there but I can manage it far better.  It settled down as the day went on.  Today I woke up early, hit the gym, stayed busy with work, did my meditation session, some journal work, drank plenty of water, and got outside.  What a huge difference. 

When it comes to managing the urges for PMO the difference between being physically healthy and a little busted up is night and day.  I think when you feel good you are naturally stronger at resisting negative urges.  The second part is something I've heard Jocko Willik and Tim Ferriss talk about which is the carryover of discipline.  If you get up early, do the workout, do whatever habits you do to be healthy, your overall discipline level is higher to battle addictive behavior in this case.  The discipline in one area of your life builds discipline in the others.  I've mentioned similar things in previous posts but it helps to keep reminding myself. 

I'm only on day 23 of this most recent round of reboot but my plan is to run it all the way to the grave, of course.  Just have to keep hammering in a healthy, default coping mechanism for stressful times and maintain some level of discipline regardless of how I feel.  The tough times will come again.  Sickness and physical weakness will come again.  Occasional bouts of loneliness and boredom will come again.  I know my subconscious will be waiting to sabotage me because it has succeeded time and time again.  When you are months and months clean and then relapse, that's what happens.  Small moments of weakness and lack of discipline build to the final PMO collapse.  At the worst possible time the urges will show up again without question.  "Just a quick look."  "Remember how good it felt."  "It can make the pain go away for a little while."  "Is that one video still out there?"  "It's only a bikini video."  Knowing that, you have to be ready to deal with them the right way.  I clearly haven't found the answer but keep looking.