Erasmus_xlt
Active Member
Day 1.
Busted. Again.
Its amazing how desperately dumb I can be.
So, I'm doing homework at the table where I have the computer set up. My wife is in the bedroom because she hasn't been feeling very well. She even had to endure an invasive medical procedure to only find out that the doctors do not know what is causing the problem.
I've digressed...(already!)
I reason in my mind that its been a while since we made love (of course, my difficulty obtaining an erection and ejaculating prematurely haven't helped) so a little porn to help is better than the alternative (hooking up with someone on a dating site...)
Aside - Ah, so you see that, eh? My problem already goes beyond internet porn addiction and straight into sexual addiction of which porn is but one outlet. Acting out has already ruined one marriage so, porn is my only outlet now.
I open up a browser window to one of the free porn sites I visit on an infrequent regular basis ( you know, I'm fooling myself into thinking that I'm really trying to quit...riiiiight!) and start watching a short video. Suddenly, she comes out of the room(!) Oh the horror!. I try to close the window, but can't. Instead, I hide the window behind my school work - but the sound is still playing in my headset.
"Keep walking, keep walking" I'm thinking to myself as she heads toward the kitchen. Then she stops.
"What are you listening to," she innocently asks. Then, she bends down to listen in and that's when the woman in the video starts moaning loudly in the throes of ecstasy. I'm mortified. She demands to know what I'm doing and I sheepishly show her the video playing in the background. She is hurt beyond belief and ready to kill me. That night did not end well. I hate sleeping on the couch.
Skipping forward a couple of days, she discovers that I was using the tablet to cast erotic videos and soft-porn to the tv. Insult on top of anger. You know what I did. That's not a question...you've probably been there too. I justified and lied. Presumably, to not expose her to the truth and horrendous pain that she would experience. But, the truth is, I lied because I was embarrassed and felt lower than snail slime and was trying to protect my non-existent ego.
How is it that I am on the brink of destroying a second marriage? After all, I am a seminary graduate. I project blame on the demons that haunt my every waking moment (and most of the sleeping ones too). I blame my father. My sisters. Kids in the neighborhood. That boy in the bathroom. That church leader. Those girls that teased me. Doors that should have been shut. Heck, I was even aroused by sex in the Bible (that Song of Solomon!). But, it's me.
I am the Broken Hallelujah. I put the nail in His hands. I pierced His side. I stole my wife's security. I damaged her soul. I did it. It was me. I can't blame my past for hijacking my future because of acting on my ever present lust and desire. I am sinking deep in sin - and I can barely swim recreationally. Now, she won't talk to me. She barely looks at me. She sleeps in the spare bedroom. And, I am desperately dumb.
My name is "Erasmus" (name changed to hide the guilty). I am a wannabe recovering Sex Addict. Its been two weeks since I have P'd, longer since I have M'd or O'd.
Busted. Again.
Its amazing how desperately dumb I can be.
So, I'm doing homework at the table where I have the computer set up. My wife is in the bedroom because she hasn't been feeling very well. She even had to endure an invasive medical procedure to only find out that the doctors do not know what is causing the problem.
I've digressed...(already!)
I reason in my mind that its been a while since we made love (of course, my difficulty obtaining an erection and ejaculating prematurely haven't helped) so a little porn to help is better than the alternative (hooking up with someone on a dating site...)
Aside - Ah, so you see that, eh? My problem already goes beyond internet porn addiction and straight into sexual addiction of which porn is but one outlet. Acting out has already ruined one marriage so, porn is my only outlet now.
I open up a browser window to one of the free porn sites I visit on an infrequent regular basis ( you know, I'm fooling myself into thinking that I'm really trying to quit...riiiiight!) and start watching a short video. Suddenly, she comes out of the room(!) Oh the horror!. I try to close the window, but can't. Instead, I hide the window behind my school work - but the sound is still playing in my headset.
"Keep walking, keep walking" I'm thinking to myself as she heads toward the kitchen. Then she stops.
"What are you listening to," she innocently asks. Then, she bends down to listen in and that's when the woman in the video starts moaning loudly in the throes of ecstasy. I'm mortified. She demands to know what I'm doing and I sheepishly show her the video playing in the background. She is hurt beyond belief and ready to kill me. That night did not end well. I hate sleeping on the couch.
Skipping forward a couple of days, she discovers that I was using the tablet to cast erotic videos and soft-porn to the tv. Insult on top of anger. You know what I did. That's not a question...you've probably been there too. I justified and lied. Presumably, to not expose her to the truth and horrendous pain that she would experience. But, the truth is, I lied because I was embarrassed and felt lower than snail slime and was trying to protect my non-existent ego.
How is it that I am on the brink of destroying a second marriage? After all, I am a seminary graduate. I project blame on the demons that haunt my every waking moment (and most of the sleeping ones too). I blame my father. My sisters. Kids in the neighborhood. That boy in the bathroom. That church leader. Those girls that teased me. Doors that should have been shut. Heck, I was even aroused by sex in the Bible (that Song of Solomon!). But, it's me.
I am the Broken Hallelujah. I put the nail in His hands. I pierced His side. I stole my wife's security. I damaged her soul. I did it. It was me. I can't blame my past for hijacking my future because of acting on my ever present lust and desire. I am sinking deep in sin - and I can barely swim recreationally. Now, she won't talk to me. She barely looks at me. She sleeps in the spare bedroom. And, I am desperately dumb.
My name is "Erasmus" (name changed to hide the guilty). I am a wannabe recovering Sex Addict. Its been two weeks since I have P'd, longer since I have M'd or O'd.