Losing erection when changing positions with wife - is this PIED?

Hey guys - I found this site and I love that there are folks dedicated to helping others with issues that are difficult to talk about with others.

I've been masturbating for ~20 years and have been watching porn on and off (roughly 2-3 times each week) and jerking off for the last 15 or so years. Recently I noticed that while I have no problem getting an erection when I'm with my wife, the minute I change positions i.e. try to penetrate her, I lose my erection.

I noticed that it did depend on how long ago I masturbated. So, I usually stop masturbating at least 3-4 days before we'd have sex. But it still does cause problems now and then i.e. I get an erection and while we're in the process of foreplay, I just lose the erection.

I realise some of it may even be from work related stress and anxiety, but I'm just wondering if this falls into the category of Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction and would it be helpful to lay off porn for a while. The reasons I'm a bit skeptical are:
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[*]It's a very recent problem i.e. last few months. Lots of stress at work as well, could that be a reason?
[*]I haven't been to the gym in a year, this can never be good
[*]The longest I've been without porn recently was 2 weeks when I was traveling and I do recall masturbating 11 times in 4 days after I returned (wife was away at the time). Does this count as addiction?
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Any inputs will be appreciated. Porn causing dysfunction sounds strange to me, if I can get hard during porn, surely that doesn't mean my organs aren't working?

EDIT: Age for context - I'm 33.

Hello and welcome to reboot nation. You sound exactly Like my Husband who developed PIED and refused to believe it for months.... Of course I never realized any of this and thought it was health issues. He went to the hospital For a week and afterwards worked fine for a week.... That was when he realized it was indeed the porn. It took him 8 months to recover from what then developed into performance anxiety and long lasting effects from the porn. His PIED sounded similar  to Yours. He's 38. He would lose his erection during foreplay. We couldn't switch positions or it was gone before we could get it back In. If he did lose his erection it was quite difficult to get it back. Sometimes he would even finish half erect or not erect. He rarely kept his erection all the way through sex. This gradually started and got to that point over about 2.5 years. He never thought he was addicted at all... Never crossed his mind.

Objectified1 said:

That was when he realized it was indeed the porn. It took him 8 months to recover from what then developed into performance anxiety and long lasting effects from the porn.

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Thanks for sharing this, much appreciated! You're right, it sounds like the exact same problem.

If you don't mind my asking for a few more details, did your husband go cold turkey with porn after he realised it was PIED? Also it took 8 months?!! That's a bit depressing since it sounds like that's what will happen to me (I stopped porn 2 days ago after I found this site). But was there light at the end of the tunnel? Has your husband's performance improved i.e. can he keep an erection for longer and has your sex life improved?

It is now a year since he has watched porn or masturbated. He had trouble stopping the fantasizing which is partly what held him back as well as checking out girls in the street. He did go cold turkey with the quitting porn and masturbating. The other things took a few months...4-5 months I Would say. You need to cut out any and all artificial stimulation and rewire to a line human being. Fantasizing and etc is one dimensional. Being with your wife is touch, emotion, two sided not one. It's taking part not observing. Once he figured out that it had also developed into performance anxiety it got somewhat better. It was gradgual. Once he stopped all artificial stimulation and stimulation other then me, it improved drastically. You need to concentrate on the sex not your penis. EVerytime it happened that he wasn't working well... It would
Continue for a week or two & even get worse here and there. That's when I  knew he was in the wrong head so to speak... Lol. Each time it effects him less and less. Now he might have an episode and it will effect us just for a day or two... Or maybe even just that once. His erection is better then I ever remember it to be now. Just this morning he was apologizing as we were discussing things and saying that he wishes he could take it back , all of it. He never knew that sex could be like it is. We never realized what we were Missing because to a degree he was always getting artificial
Stimulation. Porn, girls out on the street, etc. He says if he knew what he knows now he wouldn't even have freely checked out every girls that walks like he always has. He said He had no idea, but it was keeping him from  being as close to me. I asked him why he felt that way or how he knew that and he said because when we make love now (last night was spectacular lol), it's amazing. I don't think we've ever had sex like that in our 14 years together. He says he has more feeling then he ever remembers having and he feels so much more connected to me. See, you don't realize there's a separation or that it's not everything it should be if there's always been a separation or if it's never been what it should be. So the short answer after all that is. Yes there is hope. Yes there is light and what you will find if you make your wife your ONLY source of sexual gratification is love making better then anything you've ever experienced. At least that's our experience.

Wow thanks for sharing that Objectified1. I have been rebooting for over a year (with some relapses though) and I have made a lot of progress. I am usually able to perform fine with my gf nowadays. But I still have occasional problems with both ED and DE. I can relate to many things in your story. Participant vs observer thing as well as intimate connection vs sex object. I realize that I still often look at my gf as an object during sex and even run fantasies inside my head. I think that I have developped that pattern from porn as well as multiple "one night things" and short term sex-relationships. Even though I am able to perform with my gf most of the time, it doesn't mean that I am fully recovered from PIED.

I still have a long way to go before I can experience the level of intimacy you now have with your husband. But I really want that! Thank you for helping me to understand this.

Objectified1 said:

if you make your wife your ONLY source of sexual gratification

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My wife had always demanded this jokingly. "Hot colleague? Strip scene in movie? Don't make eye contact!", "Close your eyes", "Look at the floor". Well, she knows I watch porn and so these are only jokes, she's not really insecure.

But thanks for sharing the detailed notes! I think there are some key things I can learn from your husband's and your experience. I've been checking out girls since I don't know when and fantasizing about girls/women/teachers for as long as I can remember. Back when I was 12 years old in school and last week when I was taking the train to work. Sometimes I get a hard on when fantasizing in public, but then quickly change my thoughts to make it go away. I would never have connected being able to get a boner on demand (through fantasizing) to ED. And I still find it a bit hard to believe, but I won't dismiss it without giving it a fair shot (I'll try it for a year given all the things I've read on this forum and online). So no more P or M and the only O will be with the wife. I will also try and reduce the fantasies, not sure how to eliminate them altogether (I'm not a robot, I can't avoid finding other women attractive).

But thank you so much for taking the trouble to explain everything in detail! I will give this a fair shot and will post back (in due course) if it improves my performance.

Camouflage said:

I realize that I still often look at my gf as an object during sex and even run fantasies inside my head. I think that I have developped that pattern from porn as well as multiple "one night things" and short term sex-relationships

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Thanks for sharing Camouflage! This is a bit freaky, but from what I can remember, that's been the case with me as well. I never had one night or short term sex relationships (married the only gf I ever had - together for ~9 years) so it must be porn. Sometimes, in the middle of sex I fantasize my wife in one of the many porn videos that I've seen. I never even realised that as a problem since I wasn't thinking of other women, but now that I think about it, sex shouldn't be that hard. I still find myself stealing glances at my wife every now and then when she's not looking and do find her attractive, so why not during sex?  :-\

But thanks both, there's lots of food for thought here and I'll probably re-visit this thread multiple times to re-read the notes and to keep my urges in check.

It's not a matter of being insecure. If you happy with what you have, why the need to fantasize about or pretend your with someone else? You most definitely can see attractive women and notice that they are indeed attractive without it going to the sexual. It takes discipline and effort but it can be done. You are obviously seeing these women as objects for your sexual gratification. That is objectification what your talking about. Because you have allowed your mind to wander where it will since you have become a teen it always will until you control it. Like anything control takes effort. Unfortunately because the fantasizing, objectification and etc is accepted and so common most men don't see the harm it does or can do. It's taught and encouraged in our society. My husband was on the same page as you are all his life and he's 38. Before I started dating him I remember how he used to check out women all the time. I had decided numerous times to stay away from him solely because if it. In the end I did what your doing now... Brushed it off and thought I was going over board.... Being ridiculous. I told myself, your just being insecure... As you stated." There are other women in the world that are attractive and that's fine. What's the worry? He loves me."  Hindsight 20/20. After just going through all this I now realize that my thoughts were not ridiculous. I wasn't going overboard and my intuition was right. He never saw me as his one and only... He wasn't  committed. That's why every other women that passed caught his eye. Look where we are now. Recovering from his porn addiction. We are getting better and things are better then they were before and I am hoping they continue to get better. But I've never felt so betrayed and hurt in all my life. I realized he saw and acknowledged pretty women, now I realize he was doing much more then that. My gut feeling that was telling me, this is wrong, this is hurtful and this is taking from you... Was right. So, don't brush it off as little and give it some serious thought. A good book to read is every mans battle by Fred stoker. He talks in detail on it. It is from a Christian prospective. Anyway, glad I could be of help.

I too have this problem.  I'll get up to close the door so the kids don't walk in and lose my erection.  It's very embarrassing.  I'm 9 months in and still same problem.

Wow. I'm not alone. It seems there are a lot of guys have this prob.

I would echo Objectified?s comments.  It took over a year before sex was even workable.  We were older than 30s though as well.  He quit cold turkey.  Fortunately his was HBO and Cinemax Latenight not internet.  But it wrecked my trust and that is an important part of recovery for a couple as well. I am not overly suspicious but the blind trust is gone. (I had some trauma in my past which also affects this) That being said he reassures me every day.  Once he got past the sneak looks and leers, and totally committed to me the sex is great.  He says he is amazed at the sex in our 60s.  We are 9 yrs post d-day.  So commit to the relationship you are in.  He has said the porn made it appear I wasn?t interested in sex.  Once we were tuned in to each other Wow!