Delayed ejaculation, then ED, then performance anxiety. NEED HELP PLEASE!

I am 26 years old and got with my first girlfriend a few months ago after I
moved to China,
I have been relying heavily on PMO since about 12
years old. I would do this anywhere between 1-2 times a day or once a week.
Also, I had to watch hardcore stuff as I got more of a kick out of this
than normal porn. I have also played drums since I was about 11 years old and
have quite fast hands, as a result developed a really fast death grip when masturbating.

I never realised porn would do such damage to me, but since being with my gf
I've realised that I cannot ejaculate through BJ, hand job or penetration with her.
I love foreplay with her and BJs feel great, but I don't feel like I'm going to ejaculate.
I like her very much and feel like I am in love with her. everything else in our relationship is going well and we
feel very comfortable in each other's company and I know that I want to be with her
for the long term probably living in China.
At first she thought the issues were partly because she thought she wasn't attractive enough, or being a different
race to me; I've assured her every time that it was not her fault at all and I am very
much attracted to her. I think she's an amazing individual.
Obviously this made me really stressed and as a result of this I feel really nervous
every time I try to wear a condom around her now and my erection falls flat as soon as
I touch the condom as I'm worried about whether I can perform for her;
so I think I have now developed performance anxiety which has made matters even worse.

I think my gf is quite understanding. At first she laughed, but soon realised how
serious it was when I explained it and we can communicate about it openly together now.
We have discussed plans such as trying to put the condom on before we go down on
each other etc but have not tried it yet.

I've not been to see a doctor/specialist either, but I've ruled out physical factors due to my
age and the fact I go to the gym and have a reasonably healthy diet, don't smoke and
only drink a little. Porn and death grip seem to be the source of the lack of sensitivity.

I wanted to share what my habits have been recently, ie since being with my gf
and what I've been doing to try to reverse the problems. If there's anyone who
has been through this and has some advice, it would be very much appreciated.
I love my girlfriend very much, but am really worried that eventually she will
get bored of my excuses and leave me which would break me and is obviously the
last thing I want. I've never regretted watching porn and masturbation so much in
my whole life. All this time I thought it was harmless, but now is a massive regret
in my life that I wish I never did.

So if anyone has any advice or tips, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE help me.

MASTURBATION

I have masturbated 4 times since we have been together at the end of September
(1 to porn a while ago and 1 in front of her as she asked me to finish myself off).
My last time was last week on 1/1/15 - new years resolution is to stop altogether.
I have no problem keeping away from porn but I do think about regular sex with my
girlfriend a lot (no masturbation, but some times I find myself touching my penis
whilst engaged in mindless activities such as reading/surfing the web (not porn)).
Would this inhibit my recovery in any way, or do I need to completely forget about
sex with my gf/touching my penis?

I was also wandering if getting a BJ or playing around with my girlfriend counts as edging,
even though I do not ejaculate or if this would stop me from regaining my sensitivity?

PERFORMANCE ANXIETY

I'm naturally a worrying person and I worry about anything and everything.
To combat my anxiety, I've started meditating for 10 minutes a day per the following
link

http://forum.bodybuilding.com/showthread.php?t=143525223

I'm finding it hard work, but persevering with it. Me and my gf had oral last night for
the first time in a week, which I stayed hard all the way through for (giving and receiving).
Normally whilst giving oral, I would go soft.

Has anyone else found this useful or success stories with meditation? Anyone have any more advice in this area?

SENSITIVITY

To improve sensitivity I've started moisturising my penis every day after showering just
with normal hand cream. I'm not sure if this works, but is just something that I'm trying.
Does anyone know if this is beneficial or detrimental?




I've tried to make this as complete as possible, but may have missed something obvious.
If anyone has any questions on the above, please ask.

Sorry about all my questions but I'm very confused and concerned at the moment.
If anyone has any help they can offer or can relate to my story, I'd love to hear from you
and I would be so grateful.

Thanks again,

Mark

I find myself touching my penis whilst engaged in mindless activities such as reading/surfing the web (not porn)).Would this inhibit my recovery in any way, or do I need to completely forget about sex with my gf/touching my penis?

Click to expand...

Touching yourself lightly is okay, just don't edge or fantasize. You may want to avoid orgasm as it can send you back into a flatline and prolong recovery, but you can continue to hug, kiss and touch your partner to help rewire.

To improve sensitivity I've started moisturising my penis every day after showering just with normal hand cream. I'm not sure if this works, but is just something that I'm trying. Does anyone know if this is beneficial or detrimental?

Click to expand...

I have the same sensitivity issue, i tried using extra virgin olive oil for a while but nothing happened other then i edged a lot. I think my lack of sensitivity is linked to a numbed nervous system from heavy porn use and my flatline. I have noticed slightly more sensitivity return over time.

Hope i helped you in some way, good luck with your reboot.

Thanks for the responses guys, much appreciated.

hey Mark123, im going through some of the stuff here is my thread I started with lots of links for your reading.

http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=2921.0


DE seems alot harder to solve as an issue than PIED. Ive seen some forums where guys recovered with regimens of retraining themselves, others have claimed to beat theirs with abstinence.

I personally tried the hands free fleshlight method mentioned and could finish in 5 minutes so taught me I could O hands free but I think its still associated with being alone for orgasm so Im currently working on some abstaining and am with a girl who understands and is willing to put in the time to help with this.

I think the best advice I tell myself that I would share is that others have beaten this! We just got to keep going and not over think it. Keep us updated man!

I can relate about the worrying and anxiety, I share similar traits.
Next time you are with your partner maybe try to avoid thinking about yourself and just concentrate on her and making it good for her while you recover...

Doing kegels has probable caused your pelvic floor to tense up. I had DE of which was fixed from stopping orgasming for 60 days. Abstain from orgasming and also do some exercises to ease up the pelvic floor and you should be set.

Avar said:

I think the best advice I tell myself that I would share is that others have beaten this! We just got to keep going and not over think it. Keep us updated man!

Click to expand...

Thanks Avar, I'll have a read through your thread, and thanks so much for the encouragement  Must persevere!

Killa_Mike said:

I can relate about the worrying and anxiety, I share similar traits.
Next time you are with your partner maybe try to avoid thinking about yourself and just concentrate on her and making it good for her while you recover...

Click to expand...

Hi Killa_Mike,

Good to talk to others with similar problems - I've been trying to achieve this level of focus through meditation. I think it's working. I've not penetrated my gf for a while now, but we do play around and do oral etc. During this time I'm trying to focus just on the moment and her and I feel a lot better and enjoy the whole experience a lot more. I still get thoughts creeping in to my head, but I'm hoping with time, I can phase out these anxious thoughts altogether.

Thanks

Stevew said:

Doing kegels has probable caused your pelvic floor to tense up. I had DE of which was fixed from stopping orgasming for 60 days. Abstain from orgasming and also do some exercises to ease up the pelvic floor and you should be set.

Click to expand...

Hi Stevew,

When you say, doing kegels made my floor tense up, do you mean doing actual kegel exercises or just contracting the muscle through excessive MO etc? I've not done these exercises before and have read mixed reviews on their success so have not tried yet. I'm trying to abstain from MO/PMO so I will see how that works out for me

Thanks

About the anxiety, I've had some issues with that myself and improved a reasonable amount. I would recommend a good self-help book on it to start with. I used a book called "free yourself from anxiety", which is about general anxiety, but since you have anxiety, it may be general or social and may be heightened by low self-esteem and/or perfectionism or neither, so I consider it's worth checking those out at least on the internet and preferably also in books because books are cheap (250 page text from a educated, experienced practitioner for ?7? Bargain.).

I've also tried therapy and personally found self-help more effective. However, if you do do therapy, then it's usually time limited. My therapist said it was time limited because he didn't want me to become dependent on the therapy, which involved him rewarding me for successes and such like. Since you only have a limited time, if you go in knowing more, having tried more and having less anxiety, then you will leave on a better level too. So even if you do end up using a therapist, try self-help as much as possible first.

Also, if you see a doctor, he will either advise talk therapy or medication or both. Medication doesn't fix the real problem and it's best not to use it like a crutch, so either self-help or talk therapy (or preferably both, as I've said) is essential whether you use medication or not. I would recommend not using medication unless you have to because it will have side effects and may be addictive (I mean the anxiety meds, not the ED meds, which still have side effects but are tamer).

The final thing is that my talk therapy was free on the NHS in the UK, so maybe it's not time limited where you are, but it is where I am.

Made it to the 2 week mark - last time I MO'd was on new year's day

Seem to be getting really wild mood swings though - some days feel amazing, others feel so stressed and anxious. Not sure if this is reboot related or not.

Going to keep persevering with the reboot. Hopefully will start seeing results with my SO soon.

Staying hopeful

DAY 21

So I have made it to the 3 week mark without any PMO/MO whatsoever. Feels good now and my anxiety/mood swings from last week seem to have faded thankfully - last week was really difficult for me and hope I don't have to go through that again as part of my flatline; no urge to MO but the mood swings were terrible.

Also me and my gf were playing around yesterday - could feel a slight improvement in sensation which is promising. Also penetrated and managed to stay erect throughout, although we didn't use a condom, so I know for sure that this is the trigger for my performance anxiety.

Going to try keep this thread going as a diary now, posting every week or whenever something worth writing about happens as I find it quite motivating tracking my progress and getting your guys advice on things on my journey.

Keeping strong!

Nice keep us updated man, especiallly on the DE as Im still battling too

Hi Avar,

How long have you been battling the DE for?

DAY 28

Made it to the 1 month mark with no PMO/MO whatsoever which I feel really pleased with.  I'm not having much trouble currently with staying away from MO/PMO as just wanting to finish for my gf is motivation enough for me.

Had oral with my gf last night - having no problem getting hard, even just sitting with her and cuddling makes me hard. But still having problems with DE - been with her for about 4 months now and not finished once which is really getting to us both.

Anyone else having the problems with DE or been at this stage and got through it? Really need some advice.

I'm continuing to moisturise my penis in an attempt to keep it from being dry and help regain some sensitivity. About a week ago I felt like I was regaining sensitivity, but in the last few days it seems to have faded away a little. Is this normal? I really want to ask how much longer do I have to wait and am I going to lose sensitivity by getting oral/penetration with my gf hindering progress? but I know it varies from person to person. Starting to feel impatient with myself now

Thanks in advance guys.

Hey Mark123 id say I've been battling it for 2ish months or so I realized it after I rebooted with a 104 days and was able to have regular sex.

Cant give you an answer on when man sorry :/ just got to keep going.

DAY 39

Had my gf round last night and we ended up having sex and successful penetration. No problems with getting hard which is a relief; I don't want to tempt fate, but I think my ED problems and performance anxiety may have gone so that's a step in the right direction for me which I'm very pleased with.

Still no ejaculation though, which is really grating me. I feel as though my sensitivity has gotten worse. I have a feeling it was due to last week, she was giving me a HJ for about 10 mins with some lotion which felt amazing, felt like I was going to finish for a long time, but nothing came out. I'm worried think this might have counted as edging? Any ideas?

If so I think this might have (hopefully only temporarily) reduced my sensitivity.

Other issues are that we're both pretty tired currently - busy season at work and we both work together, so physically, we're both probably not at our best.

I also think about my gf a lot in my spare time, trying not to look at pictures of here etc as I'm trying to rewire to her, but pictures/pixels - not sure if this is hindering me by thinking about her or if this is beneficial to the rewire? Any thoughts on this?

Having no problems abstaining from MO or P at the minute as my gf is sufficient motivation. Will try to keep on track and let you guys know about any progression next week.

Thanks guys

DAY 44

Still no ejaculation, but something worth commenting on happened last night. Was watching a movie and there was a stripper dancing in it. No urge to fap, but got aroused off it which has never happened as long as I remember - obviously due to porn use.

Still having no worries with performance anxiety or erections, but I think this is definitely a step in the right direction I hope.

Getting impatient about the lack of ejaculate in my life though. Hope I pull through soon

Cheers

I can understand what you mean about the impatience. I remember seeing Gabe's video where he says it took him 9 months completely cold turkey with no relapses and I was like "what!!!". But the good news is that if you do continue to abstain from PMO you will almost certainly recover. I'm sure I've heard something to that effect on YBOP, perhaps in several places. So just focus on the fact that you're successfully abstaining and that you're gonna get there eventually, because lots of guys have problems with relapse.

Hey Mark123 I hope this helps you man, I didnt have DE last night! I finished in her last night. I think part of it was that I was a lot less anxietal about it just let things happen naturally. It was such a relief man and when it happens too you it will be as well. just keep going strong man youll get this!