A journey of self-love

Greetings Rebooters!

I hope each one of you experience success in your individual recoveries from pornography, masturbation, and orgasm.  And I understand how each one has different reasons for using pornography, masturbation, and orgasm as a way to escape reality or your emotions or numb pain that you've experienced in life.  I used pornography, masturbation, and orgasm as my main way to cope with the challenges of my life for years.  It started when I was about 13 years old.  At first, I wanted to understand my new sexual desires and I was curious how I could resolved these feelings within me. I saw store advertisements for bras, or cute models on TV and my sexuality churned within me.  I didn't know how to express these feelings and I was too embarrassed to discuss them with my parents or a trusted adult. I also didn't know the meaning of self-restraint (what 13 year old does, really?).  Over time, this behavior habit slowly progressed into something out of control, I was seeking pornography more often, hungering for it right after school, after basketball practices, after hanging out with friends, after church.  It had become the center of my world.  My viewing pornography progressed from something innocent and curious, to viewing soft core pornography, then hard core multiple times a day - I needed to watch it in order to function.  I hit many points in my addiction journey where I wanted to stop, but I didn't understand how it had changed my brain (desensitization, sensitization, hypofrontality, altered stress response) and I had to be willing to walk through the nasty withdrawal symptoms in order to find joy in my life again. Now, years later (I'm 28 years old) I have been able to see how destructive this habit was in my life and how it prevented me for enjoying the simple and beautiful aspects of life - friendship, family, faith in God (I'm religious), nature, exercise, hobbies, food, making an honest living, learning, etc.  These are what making life worth living!  I tried to officially quit when I was 23 years old and I came out and told others that I was struggling with a pornography addiction.  I didn't realize how recovery meant a sustained effort over a long period of time and replacing old habits with new habits - otherwise I would relapse, which I have several times.  After help from parents, church leaders, some therapy, I believe the sure way to recover is through recognizing what the heart of why I continued using pornography and masturbation.  Without the why, I would not recover.  My why was because of low self-esteem, poor self-concept, and low self-worth.  I thought I was hopeless, helpless, and I couldn't trust myself (I had sabotaged myself for years by choosing pornography instead of healthy relationships).  But, I worked on loving myself, understanding the WHY of my decisions, stopped blaming others or my circumstances, and worked hard to become accountable for my words, choices, and deeds, checking to make sure they align with my personal morals, principles, and values.  Trusting yourself and others is possible again.  Loving yourself and others is possible again.  Learning to live from healthy self-worth, healthy self-esteem, and a healthy self-concept is possible.  Walking through and experiencing the bitter withdrawal symptoms is WORTH IT!  Do it for your health, your future, your family, your friends, your happiness, your God (if you're religious).  I remember that when times are toughest and I think I can't endure more because the withdrawal symptoms are overwhelming, I say to myself that these symptoms are temporary.  I remind myself WHY I live and why I'm willing to win the daily battle!

YOU CAN DEFEAT AND WIN YOUR BATTLE WITH PORNOGRAPHY ADDICTION ONE DAY AT A TIME!  A LIFETIME OF WELLNESS AWAITS YOU!

 
It has been weeks since I've used pornography and masturbation and orgasm to cope with the day to day routine, problems, and stresses of my life.  I have experienced several withdrawal effects from quitting this coping mechanism - anxiety, depression, shaking, brain fog, headaches (especially at the end of the day), difficulty concentrating, insomnia (at times), restlessness, social aversion, skin breakouts, increased stress.  I have been aware of how much my brain was affected by years of using PMO in my teens to get my through high school and relapsing in my college years.  It is difficult to be patient while my brain reboots and I strive to live from my morals, principles, and values again.  My real strength lies in consistently making the right decision even though it is hard, especially in how I take care of myself and treat my loved ones.  One day at a time, I feel my willpower and impulse control growing.  I acknowledge that my brain is beginning to think about my decisions before I make them - what are the pros and cons of this choice and does it align with my inner values, morals, and principles?  I believe this is great progress forward to a sustainable and healthy lifestyle of happiness.

REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE AND WHAT YOU STAND FOR.
 

BlueHeronFan

Respected Member
It sounds like you're making good progress!

It also sounds like you have a really good mindset, taking things one day at a time and moving forward to a more sustainable and healthy lifestyle. That's the key. This isn't a quick fix: it's a complete lifestyle change.

Keep finding what works for you and pressing forward!
 
Thanks for the support @BlueHeronFan!

I agree, it isn't a quick fix.  If I don't make intentional effort to keep the good habits I've built up in my life (the ones that replace the old destructive habits), I revert back to what I used to use to cope with the challenges of life. 

Also, my mind keeps thinking of the word discipline - training my mind to obey my personal standards, beliefs, and values.  Without discipline, life is so chaotic and unfulfilling.

What has worked for you in your recovery from PMO?
 

leafbygreen

New Member
Hey there,

I just joined up today, enough is enough. Reading your post has provided useful advice, motivation and perspective. Thank you for sharing. Stay powerful

  :)
 
@Leafbygreen

Hang in there - there will be very challenging stretches where your mind is feeling little motivation and your body/brain will fight against your spirit/heart saying I want to give this up.  Be patient with yourself and be proud of whatever progress you make that day.  It is worth it. 

Today has been challenging already, I tossed and I turned all night and I'm feeling like a zombie. 

I'll hang in there.
 
W

wecandoit

Guest
Freedomisworthit said:
Thanks for the support @BlueHeronFan!

I agree, it isn't a quick fix.  If I don't make intentional effort to keep the good habits I've built up in my life (the ones that replace the old destructive habits), I revert back to what I used to use to cope with the challenges of life. 

Also, my mind keeps thinking of the word discipline - training my mind to obey my personal standards, beliefs, and values.  Without discipline, life is so chaotic and unfulfilling.

What has worked for you in your recovery from PMO?

That's excellent. This is a problem that I see many people doing it (including myself): When things seem to go well, we lower our guard, thinking that we can handle it. And this is the first step to going back to the chaos. Then we feel bad and remember we felt bad back then too and we said we wouldn't repeat it again. It's easy to "forget" how bad it was. I mean, you don't remember the "feeling" of it, if you know what I mean. All those nights when I didn't even sleep, starring at the ceiling, too defeated after a PMO binge. I forgot that in a second and repeated it again. Discipline should help. Once things become routine and you have a discipline, it should be easier to keep going. When I did well, it was because I was disciplined and built a routine. But then I made the mistake to lower my guard and came back to the poison.
 
@wecandoit

Very motivational and inspiring.  I won't let my guard down.  PMO does not solve any of my problems, it just makes them worse!  I'm currently on week 4 of absolutely no PMO and watching less TV, turning to human connections to talk out how I'm feeling, etc. It feels like I'm being humanized again, just goes to show how absolutely backwards my thinking was, my best relationship was with a computer screen.

Stay strong!
 
I'm keeping this journal for my own sake and sanity.  The last couple nights with insomnia, trembling, depression, headaches, hot/cold flashes and lack of interest for anything really have just plain sucked.  It is miserable.  I'm hit the 23 day mark (I've had other streaks during my recovery from PMO, but I've never been so intentional with my recovery this go around). 

I'd appreciate the support, today is going to be a grind to just say no because of how sucky my symptoms are right now.
 

BlueHeronFan

Respected Member
Freedomisworthit said:
What has worked for you in your recovery from PMO?

Recovery is such a complex, individual process, so it feels a little difficult to retrace all the steps that have led me to this point, but I will say a couple things that have really helped me this year:

1. Being active on this forum. It has probably made the most significant difference out of anything else I have done

2. Meditation. I have learned a lot about dealing my thoughts and feelings more productively by developing a meditation practice.

3. Focusing on dealing with triggers instead of avoiding relapses. For a long time, I thought my job was to avoid PMO, but I kept relapsing at least once a month. When I realized that there were a lot of triggers that I was keeping in my life (like social media, certain tv shows, staring at women when I'm out around town, etc.), I realized that there were a lot of way that I was keeping myself on a constant low-grade dopamine high. Putting my effort into dealing with those smaller, earlier triggers has kept me further from relapse and much more stable than before.

4. Recognizing that porn is a symptom, not the disease. I have spent a lot of time this year learning about addiction and how it works. One thing that has really stuck out to me is that addictions arise as a response to trauma or some other kind of pain. Addiction numbs us to pain. We turn to porn because we don't want to deal with some kind of emotional distress. If we can realize that our addictions are a misguided attempt by our brains to draw our attention to where we need care and attention, we can start taking care of ourselves in healthier ways.

For a long time, I thought porn was my worst enemy and that I was too weak and perverted to control myself. When my mindset shifted to seeing myself as someone who was in pain and who was using addiction as the best way I knew how to deal with that pain, I could start to see myself in a new light and to treat myself with more kindness. Making myself my friend and ally in recovery instead of my own worst enemy has really been an important shift for me.

There's probably more to it than this, but these are the things that come to mind. Hope it helps, and keep up the good work!
 
W

wecandoit

Guest
BlueHeronFan said:
Focusing on dealing with triggers instead of avoiding relapses. For a long time, I thought my job was to avoid PMO, but I kept relapsing at least once a month. When I realized that there were a lot of triggers that I was keeping in my life (like social media, certain tv shows, staring at women when I'm out around town, etc.), I realized that there were a lot of way that I was keeping myself on a constant low-grade dopamine high. Putting my effort into dealing with those smaller, earlier triggers has kept me further from relapse and much more stable than before.

This is correct. I had a similar experience. In the beginning I thought it was nudity I had to avoid but then I realized that the list of stimulants was much longer. Not long ago I relapsed after I came home from night shift, I went to sleep and I woke up after 2 hours. I was tired and I started having those specific urges that I get when I am tired (it happened late at night when I couldn't sleep too). Before I knew, I had started edging already then moving to porn and I was like a snowball down the hill. What I'm saying is that when you think you've figure out your list of triggers, think twice, cause you might've missed something. Like me. I thought I had it figured it out. I said: "Okay so no alcohol, no internet, I just go to sleep, I can't relapse," but then I relapsed because I was tired. It's crazy but at the same time all those relapses teach you something. However, sometimes it's not so easy to figure out what to do. My example again with that relapse, I still don't know what I would do. Cause it was an out of control experience because of being tired. I should go outside or something, I don't know. Sometimes it's hard.

Recognizing that porn is a symptom, not the disease. I have spent a lot of time this year learning about addiction and how it works. One thing that has really stuck out to me is that addictions arise as a response to trauma or some other kind of pain. Addiction numbs us to pain. We turn to porn because we don't want to deal with some kind of emotional distress. If we can realize that our addictions are a misguided attempt by our brains to draw our attention to where we need care and attention, we can start taking care of ourselves in healthier ways.

I will bring out what Gabe Deem said about porn addiction: It doesn't have to start because of trauma or pain. Give a teenager unlimited access to internet and leave him alone in his room and his is at risk of watching porn. Porn feels good so why would you stop? But after a period of time yes you could (and maybe you will for certain) start using PMO as a way of coping with your life. It could be stress, rejection, disappointment, failure etc. There are many things that could bring you mental discomfort. And as you have been conditioning yourself to run to porn anytime you feel discomfort, you will keep doing it until one day when you find Gary Wilson or Gabe Deem and want to quit porn. Then you realize it's not that easy because you don't know how to separate it from your coping skills. I guess a part of my recovery is learning how to stop using this as a cope.
 
BlueHeronFan said:
Freedomisworthit said:
What has worked for you in your recovery from PMO?

Recovery is such a complex, individual process, so it feels a little difficult to retrace all the steps that have led me to this point, but I will say a couple things that have really helped me this year:

1. Being active on this forum. It has probably made the most significant difference out of anything else I have done

2. Meditation. I have learned a lot about dealing my thoughts and feelings more productively by developing a meditation practice.

3. Focusing on dealing with triggers instead of avoiding relapses. For a long time, I thought my job was to avoid PMO, but I kept relapsing at least once a month. When I realized that there were a lot of triggers that I was keeping in my life (like social media, certain tv shows, staring at women when I'm out around town, etc.), I realized that there were a lot of way that I was keeping myself on a constant low-grade dopamine high. Putting my effort into dealing with those smaller, earlier triggers has kept me further from relapse and much more stable than before.

4. Recognizing that porn is a symptom, not the disease. I have spent a lot of time this year learning about addiction and how it works. One thing that has really stuck out to me is that addictions arise as a response to trauma or some other kind of pain. Addiction numbs us to pain. We turn to porn because we don't want to deal with some kind of emotional distress. If we can realize that our addictions are a misguided attempt by our brains to draw our attention to where we need care and attention, we can start taking care of ourselves in healthier ways.

For a long time, I thought porn was my worst enemy and that I was too weak and perverted to control myself. When my mindset shifted to seeing myself as someone who was in pain and who was using addiction as the best way I knew how to deal with that pain, I could start to see myself in a new light and to treat myself with more kindness. Making myself my friend and ally in recovery instead of my own worst enemy has really been an important shift for me.

There's probably more to it than this, but these are the things that come to mind. Hope it helps, and keep up the good work!


I'm grateful for your insights.  I really liked the last part of seeing myself as someone in pain and I was only using my addiction as the best way I knew how to deal with the pain.  I think it is comforting for me to know that the emotional pains and distresses do pass and healing does take place as I walk through the pain and my coping skills grow stronger.  Being kinder to myself is a process and I'm thankful for your support!  I didn't relapse yesterday and I got at least some sleep last night, so I'm doing better than yesterday morning.  Keep strong!
 

BlueHeronFan

Respected Member
I'm glad to hear you got through the day and that my insights were helpful. Recovery has definitely been a process of making peace with myself and taking better care of myself along the way.

Keep it going!
 
When did the insomnia stop for you? (If you experienced this symptom during recovery and rehabilitation)

What were your withdrawal symptoms in your recovery?
 

BlueHeronFan

Respected Member
Definitely hang in there!

I don't really remember experiencing insomnia, but I definitely felt and still sometimes feel anxious or trapped (porn gave me a false feeling of freedom, and withdrawal gave me the opposite feeling).
 
What was at the heart or root cause of your PMO addiction? Was it used as a coping mechanism for negative feelings?

That was my reason, when I felt lonely, I used PMO. When I felt bored I'd use PMO, when I felt sad, I used PMO, and the list goes on.

As I've been intentionally recovering, I've had to relearn how to emotionally cope with these feelings and assume accountability for my choices.

Thanks for your input
 
Today's no PMO journey has led me to the topic of believing in myself. I believe one of the main reasons I used PMO was that I did not believe I was good enough or had the courage to cope with my own emotions and live according to my own beliefs.  I've come to realize that giving up PMO was the first step and staying resilient through the heavy withdrawal symptoms has been a HUGE accomplishment for me.  Confronting my emotional/mental stress is the next step.  It is critical to my own success to believe in myself and what I offer the world and my loved ones. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF.  Fight that voice inside you that says you're not good enough, or you're not smart enough, or comparing yourself to others.  Each person is at a different stage in their life.  BELIEVE IN YOURSELF and be sure to spread love along the way.  What you give to others is what you'll receive in return. 

I think pornography really taught me that I couldn't feel satisfied with my life or my efforts or by just being me. PMO tricked my brain into never feeling satisfied, and that is at the heart of an addict's journey.  Do you feel enough by staying true to your beliefs, convictions, and values?  It is a question I ask myself and I'm working hard to make sure that answer is YES YES YES!
 
I resonate with this a lot. PMO use feels tied up at a deep level with not believing in myself. It's taken me a few years and a few cycles of long reboots to recognize this. recovery requires confronting our lack of belief in ourself and developing a deeper well of self confidence. Way to go, keep it up. You're the shit.
 
Dude, you're a stud, thank you for commenting that you've connected to how I've felt during my reboot.  As our brains change back to normal dopamine receptors and lose the strong connections to needing pornography to feel self-confident/self-assured, I believe believing in yourself will become easier.  Instead of turning to PMO to feel good about yourself, you'll turn to, did I feel good by being myself today (by living a life I'm proud of)?  I'm really adamant about this now (it has taken me 4 or 5 years to get to this point of self-esteem/self-belief which was a major tripping point in my recovery).  Keep reaffirming your own belief in yourself and your relationships and your internal value, etc.  Repetition, repetition, repetition.  Do it until it becomes a part of who you are.  Stay strong brotha.
 
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