Back On The Wagon: 2

PE30

Well-Known Member
Right, day zero again.

BACKGROUND:
I'm a man in his late 30s, married, two children. I have struggled with porn and chat room addiction since my late teens. I got clean in June 2017 and went three months without anything. Had maybe two or three brief relapses and then a long relapse of about six weeks coming into today.

I received another message from a woman I'd been messaging previously, saying that I had essentially ruined her life. In a way, this is true: on a chat room, I was able to hide large parts of myself, my relationship status, parental status and so on, and present myself as this good looking, kind man who'd be good in a relationship. Of course it's all nonsense because I already am in a relationship.

Previous relapses haven't been as hard and as entrenched, but there's still that horrible underlying dissatisfaction in myself. Why do I feel the need for validation through others? Why do I convince myself that I need more than what I have at the moment? I have a beautiful wife, two beautiful daughters, a good job, good friends, health and wisdom and talent.

Anyway I'm calling this day 0. Everything needs to start again.

To those who previously followed my journey and were so encouraging to me: I'm sorry. I ask for your forgiveness and ask that you will help me start my journey again.
 

PE30

Well-Known Member
PS- for those who pray, I'd really appreciate your prayers to help guard me against despairing and sometimes suicidal thoughts. I know that people quite often start this journey with a sense of hope and determination, but I don't feel like I have this yet. Instead, I just feel broken and desolate that I've failed to break this habit and that I've undone the good work I did in the second half of 2017.
 

PE30

Well-Known Member
So this is day one again.

As a cautionary tale to those of you who are tempted to relapse: day one after a relapse is horrible. My hormone levels are all over the shop after losing the regular dopamine hit of chat rooms; I feel guilty, I feel ashamed of myself, I keep crying in front of my wife; it's horrible.

But I guess I just have to keep my eyes on the future. I am going to beat this addiction; I have to. I have no future other than a clean one.

I'm praying for strength, peace and joy.
 

PE30

Well-Known Member
Ugh. Had a nice day but just had a wave of guilt and shame when I got home.

Every so often I daydream that I changed the course of my life and that didn't get in this mess. And then I remember what a horrible person I've been and how lost I am.

I'm in dire need of grace. If anyone reads this and has any encouraging words then please feel free to reply; just feels like I'm talking into a void.
 

PE30

Well-Known Member
Day two

It's been okay so far. I felt a bit emotional listening to Hillsong United in bed this morning but it felt cleansing rather than desperate. At church, I felt a sense of peace about my circumstances.

Before bed last night I looked around our house and thanked God for everything I saw: my wife, my daughters, the security of a home, the layers and layers of goodness and mercy that have followed me. I'm trying to be more aware, more thankful, spend less time on my phone and more time in the real world.

There may still be repercussions from my actions but I can still make positive choices each day.

PS. Is anyone actually reading this?
 

PE30

Well-Known Member
So why am I doing this?

I'm doing this because I want to put this part of my character and behaviour to death. To life a life of true integrity.

I'm doing this because I have a wife I love so dearly and who I want to be with for the rest of my life.

I'm doing this because I have two beautiful daughters. I want the opportunity to watch them graduate, to walk them down the aisle. I want to be fully present for them.

I'm doing this because I acknowledge the hurt I've caused to women. Not just the one who found out the true me, the one I had the affair with, but the others I've strung along believing they had a connection with me that could lead further than I could promise.

I'm doing this because porn is a destructive industry for all involved and goes against my core beliefs of respect, love and honour.

And in doing this because I serve a mighty God, and because I want to serve him fully without shame and without hindrance. Love so amazing, so divine, demands my soul, my life, my all.
 

PE30

Well-Known Member
Day 3

Slept pretty well last night.

Experience tells me that these first few days are pretty tough. I guess I'm having to deal with two things:
- the dopamine withdrawal from the removal of all chat apps etc;
- the guilt of past mistakes.

I've ordered a book on self-forgiveness so I'm going to read that cover to cover when I get back.

I need to stop thinking of myself and start focusing my energies and efforts on others. I'll get there!
 

aquarius25

Respected Member
Hi there, I followed your last journal and I can really hear in your words just how fragile you must feel. Know that Grace is abundant with Christ and it's ok to have that grace for yourself too. The important thing is what you choose to do today. Move forward. Focus on the things you want in your life. Starts living for those things. Also another thought perspective you can take or leave is this. You have two daughters. Studies upon studies have shown that they will most likely gravitate towards the example set forth in their life. They are watching you and looking to you as an example of what they will be looking for in a partner. Who do you want them to look for? I don't say this to shame but more to be keenly aware that your actions have consequences. That is a good thing because you can start living to be the person who you would hope for them to have. I hope and pray that you find peace, grace, and love. When you are living these things there is not room for shame and most certainly no room for porn.
 
Thanks for your message.  I'll be praying for you.  I find that thinking a lot about the future and everything good you have to look forward to helps with the temptation to depression and also helps you to remember why you're doing this, so that when the nasty temptations come you have more reasons in your head to resist.  I make sure I spend a minimum of 30 minutes a day doing this, to be sure it really sinks in.  Once you get through the tough parts it will be easier and you'll have a whole new, clean life of integrity to look forward to.

:)
 

PE30

Well-Known Member
Day 4

Felt last night like I was beginning to turn a corner.

A couple of months ago, our pastor had emailed a few of us asking if we would contribute towards a church-led "New Testament in a Year" reading plan. I'd ignored the message because I was mid-relapse and felt too ashamed to be a part of it. Anyway, last night I signed up for my first contribution and am beginning to prepare a short study on parts of Mark 4 and 5.

I felt that, by doing something positive, I was beginning the fightback - starting to claim my life back again as a man of dignity and wisdom. The study is writing itself and I'm looking forward to giving something back to the members of our church. Also, I'm defeating the purposes of the devil. RT Kendall says something like "if you ever want to find out God's will for your life, think about what the devil would want for your life, and do the opposite".

The feelings of guilt and panic are still there from time to time but it's less intense than it was over the weekend.

Broccolini and aquarius - thank you so much for your contributions and prayers. To be honest, my children do look up to me, and I have a really strong relationship with them. As I said before, I want to watch them grow up, I want the chance to watch them graduate. Maybe I'll walk them down the aisle one day.
 

PE30

Well-Known Member
Day 5

I've been really careful to keep social media use to a minimum. In previous reboots I've relied heavily on things like online Scrabble, music forums etc to help me cope. This time I'm trying to be mindful and thankful for all the things around me: those things that are actually real and present.

It's meant that I'm coming to terms with some feelings I've maybe not felt for a couple of decades. Boredom for example! I was bored at work yesterday. Typically I'd spend the quiet times on Facebook or whatever but I took time to talk to colleagues and read Christian articles.

I'm also asking for prayer every time I feel low. I keep thinking of that image in the Bible of God hiding us under the shelter of His wings.

I feel a bit embarrassed talking about this side of things but my wife and I had sex last night. It was good... During relapses, I was still able to perform but it was often a struggle... Last night there were no problems whatsoever!

Anyway I'll leave it for now.
 
Glad you're being aware of your triggers and difficulties.  Boredom & restlessness are always difficult during rebooting.  Best to find something really positive and engaging to fill that hole.  We can't be reactive in this fight, have to be proactive always.  Keep it up. :)
 

PE30

Well-Known Member
Day 6

I felt pretty lousy for much of yesterday. But I came home and saw my daughters playing around giddily and it made me smile. I then had a long chat with my wife about some of my fears; it really helped to talk things through.

I'm aware that there are people on here from all faiths and none, but I'm really finding prayer such a powerful tool in fighting the doubts and fears that crop in. I find it so difficult to accept grace and forgiveness, but that's what Jesus offers. And it's what I need. I can't do this on my own strength; I submit this addiction to God and say that I walk under His guidance. It doesn't mean that I negate my own responsibilities (after all it's my eyes, my brain, my private parts) but I know that staying close to Him is the best way to keep clean.

Am working from home today. Going to stick on some music and be positive!
 

PE30

Well-Known Member
Broccolini - in terms of finding something engaging - I think one strategy is to actually engage properly with the job I'm supposed to be doing.

If I look back at the dates / times I've relapsed over the past six months, most of them have happened when I was supposed to be doing something else: usually either working or sleeping. I've used other crutches to deal with my boredom before: online Scrabble, online music forums, Facebook... you can sense a pattern here.

I'm trying to concentrate on work the best I can. I've started quite well today and feel good about myself for having been productive. I've got some uplifting music playing in the background.

It's a little bit easier to start to think about hobbies and interests now that our children are a little bit older and my wife and I are no longer in that stage where we're permanently exhausted and stressed. We have our difficulties but life is good.

I'm also thinking of giving up caffeine for Lent (!)... I think I'll see how I'm getting on by next Tuesday and make a decision from there! I drink a lot of tea (typical British, huh) - I think it's probably a bad thing if I get caffeine withdrawal headaches. We'll see. Concentrating on the porn and chat room use for now. Don't want to be overconfident but things feel okay so far. The horrid reality is that during a relapse I'd be one hour into a day working from home and I'd already have the porn and chat room windows up on incognito mode. It feels so good to be clean! Lord, please keep working on me and cleanse me thoroughly. Put to death that which leads me to sin.
 

chiefmitch88

Active Member
Hey PE30,

Just wanted to reach out and say that a lot of your story resonated with me. I've been struggling with trying to break free of this addiction.
I admitted the problem almost 4 years ago and I have been on and off the wagon numerous times. I had about 120 days under my belt at one time and have been stuck in a relapse cycle ever since.  I have a son now, he's almost 3. I know I'm not the husband and father I could be when I'm continually shooting myself in the foot by placating myself with this stuff.
My problem has caused a lot of strife in my marriage. My wife and I are constantly struggling with communication. Probably, in large part, due to my irritability and my lack of empathy when I am acting out with self serving behaviors.
I  know I can do it, I can give up pmo. I know it's a choice to act out. I'm working to find ways to live clean, been failing at getting started and sticking with the daily practices which I know are help my sobriety. I suppose I keep listening to the addict that doesn't want me to quit. I keep finding justifications to do it just "one more time." Or "I'll quit once my wife cleans up her act."
I  use pmo to avoid the tedium and difficult situations that pop up in my every day life. It's affecting my productivity and my ability to concentrate. Screen addiction with my phone seems to be a problem too. Instagram, FB, etc.
I'm right beside you man, I'll do my best to keep up with you and cheer you on.
 

PE30

Well-Known Member
Hey chief, thank you for the words of encouragement.

It's good that you know you want to be clean; I can relate that it's tough to actually go through it. I had something happen last week which acted like a shot to the heart (like that scene in Pulp Fiction if you know it?) and since then I've been clean of all PMO and chat room use.

I guess I'd say that I'm starting to feel the benefits already. I'm calmer, I have fewer concerns about leaving my phone around, my sex life has improved, and I'm more productive at work. But those first few days were absolutely horrible. It's actually like coming off a drug, with the low moods and the guilt and the headaches and everything.

I need to remember this when I get past 30 days. It's so easy to feel like I've earned a little break from the routine, and before I know it I've relapsed. I made it to 150 days a few years ago. I've got a few targets in my head. First is to get to Easter PMO and chat room free. I think that'll be 50-odd days.

Thank you for posting anyway. I will be praying for your strength to start this journey again!
 

aquarius25

Respected Member
I am so glad you are doing well! I think a big thing to remember especially as you progress further and further down your recovery is to set new goals. Rather than focusing on how long its been since you viewed porn focus on what you want to do. Where are you going, what are you working towards as you turn away from this? Then the attitude of treating yourself for doing so well doesn't come up because you are focused on a new direction. You are working towards something bigger and there is no room for that behavior. Look forward, keep your eyes ahead, on who you are becoming! You are doing fantastic!
 

PE30

Well-Known Member
Thank you for the message aquarius :)

My long term goal is to live a life of integrity. From the outside, I probably look like I have the perfect life: happy marriage, two lovely children, job, house, car. I'm tired of the disconnect between the image I portray and the darkness that lurks within.

I also want to get serious about my faith. I feel like the past few days have convinced me afresh about the realness of God: that He is interested in my life and has intervened time and time again to keep me from danger.

The day counter is handy for charting my progress, but actually the ultimate goal is something like 18,000 days! (That's assuming I live til my late 80s).

Anyway it's day 7. Yesterday was a really good day: I listened to a lot of worship music, kept fighting those negative thoughts and was quite productive with my work.

Clean is starting to feel good!
 

PE30

Well-Known Member
Day 8. Just a quick note to check in and say I'm still in the game. Feeling pretty level today. Went for a walk this morning in the cold with the family; having a quiet afternoon then having pizza in front of a film later on. Bring on the spring!
 

aquarius25

Respected Member
Sounds like you have some good plans and direction. If your goal is integrity I am not sure where a reward for Porn would ever fit. Glad you are turning away from that. Something I have pondered a lot as a fellow person with a relationship with Christ and as a wife who on the outside seems to have the perfect life is this... authenticity in all things and vulnerability. As Christ followers aren't we called to be transparent about who we are and our faith? I feel the conviction in my heart regarding the mere fact that on the outside everything appears even slightly different that what is happening on the inside. That would mean I have something to conceal, right? Like my inside and outside aren't in alignment, that isn't in integrity because what I am putting out into the world is different than the truth inside. Why? Usually out of fear and shame for one reason or another. Both fear and shame are not products of the holey spirit. My goal goal has been to be more transparent and the only way to do that is to be willing to be vulnerable with others. At first I was scary but then I realized, I have nothing to fear, I am redeemed! Sorry for the ramble. I guess the point is in your effort to achieve integrity don't be afraid to pursue real authentic relationships with others who can be a support to you. Be open with them, honest about who you are. Who knows maybe you might find that they don't harbor judgement but understanding. Just a thought. Keep up the good work, you are doing really well!
 
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