Trying this again

Hi, I joined this forum in 2016 and was actually successful in quitting porn for over 3 years. Unfortunately, I slipped back into it about 6 months ago. During those three years I met someone and got engaged last December. My fianc? knows about my past but like me thought it was the past. She learned I slipped back into it and of course was very disappointed with me and made me promise to stop. I said I would but ended up not being able to honour that commitment. I?ve now lied to her about quitting and feel horrible and very much hate myself. I?m hoping to start tracking my days starting today of no PMO which really seemed to help last time. Not sure how to set it up though. Is it still available? Anyways, here I am once again hoping to reboot. It?s a crazy addiction this porn stuff! Just finished watching the TED talk by Eli Nash about shame....very true and inspiring to see this issue talked about.
 
J

J01

Guest
Great decision to get back on track again.  It is a crazy addiction but the good news is that you have already proven how to do it.  Best wishes on the new journey!   
 
Thanks Jixu.....1 day only so far but I?m doing good and looking forward to my first week of no PMO. I did it before and with God?s help and the knowledge, wisdom and encouragement I find on this site I?m encouraged I can do it again....
 
Think I will probably be writing a lot in this journal this time around. Boredom is a trigger for me and writing stuff down everyday and reading other journals will probably help with that.

Thinking about why I went back to porn after having victory over it for so long. Probably has to do with my fianc? not meeting up to the expectations of a porn affected mind. We haven?t had sex yet as which I?m grateful for as I don?t believe it?s right. But of course I don?t believe PMO is right either and look what?s happened there. Anyways, in the premarital sex department I?ve been successful in doing what I think is right....so far. My fianc? does not have the ?hot body?. She could if she really tried but then so could I if I really tried, right. Anyway she is beautiful but there?s definitely things in our relationship that are not perfect and I think maybe my disappointments in our relationship not being what I always dreamed of may have triggered my going back to PMO.

Well that?s enough for now....getting tired.
 
Day 2, still going strong but harder than day 1. My goal is to not PMO and for me part of that is to not lust after woman, keeping my thoughts in check when I see a beautiful woman. I think part of my addiction has to do with treating woman as objects. I?m trying with God?s help to renew my mind in this area. Seeing woman as human beings, not as sex objects. Trying to see past the physical attraction....God help me please.

I?ve read that the first week of PMO is the hardest so that?s my short term goal. My long term goal of course is to never PMO again. Last time I quit I had some serious withdrawal symptoms after about 6 months so hopefully this time around it?s not so severe. Biggest withdrawal symptom was insomnia and with or after that anxiety and panic attacks. Ended up getting some anxiety medication and sleeping pills as well as seeing a psychiatrist. Was on the meds and sleeping pills nightly for about 1 and 1/2 years. Now just take sleeping pills on an as needed basis, which right now is not often although the last couple of weeks I?ve been using them more than usual mostly due to stress at work or with my relationship. If I?m stressed in the evening and have to work the next day I?ll usually take a 1/2 pill. The nights before the days I don?t have to work I don?t take anything. I actually was able to go without a sleeping pill for more than 6 months in a row in the last year. Going through these withdrawal symptoms was probably the hardest thing I?ve ever had to go through.....hope and pray I don?t have to go through that again. But if I do, well, it is what it is and will hope to make it through.

Stressed lately because my fianc? is having heart problems. She?s been having chest pains so had an angiogram......the results were not good. She?ll need to get an angioplasty done. Anyways we?re glad we now know why she?s getting the chest pains and that something can be done about it.

Well, congrats self to two days PMO free
 

Jay2019

Member
Hey.  Hope it's going well.

I'm completely with you in the idea that lusting after women is part of my addiction.  Without a doubt it is part of an unhealthy state of mind (for me) when I stare at and lust over women...I found myself doing this more so today, and, unsurprisingly, my cravings are more intense for porn tonight than they have been at any other point on this little streak (11 days).

Anyway, I wish you well in trying to address this issue.
 
Thanks Jay, wish you well too in getting victory over this crazy drug. It?s actually a very lonely road because of the shame involved......probably more so than drugs or alcohol. This site helps with that somewhat. Failures can be so devastating but we gotta keep going. No matter how many times I?ve fallen the only way to keep moving is to get back up. I?m on day 3 now and doing good but know I need to be vigilant.

Take care
 
Day 7: Wow, I made it. Had my doubts at times and the temptations have been much stronger the last couple days but thankfully I didn?t succumb. Next goal is 14 days. Barely slept last night but not sure if it?s because of withdrawal symptoms or just one of those nights. Stress at work is increasing and maybe that?s what it is......the silent and invisible killer. Anyway, congratulations self for making it 7 days. Hang in there because it will get easier. Think of the joys ahead vs the self loathing and disappointment you?ll see in your fianc?s face. Think about the chance that your relationship with her may break because of not stopping. Think about the feeling of being clean vs that of being dirty. Think about the victory you feel vs the drudgery and depression of defeat. Think about the zeal for things other than PMO, real life things, good things, not shameful things, that will grow inside of you. Think about the joy of life and love that PMO robs you of. Keep going self, you can do this, you need to do this. Choose life, not shame, drudgery and depression. You can do this self, you can do this! The renewing of your mind, the building up of normal neuropaths takes time so don?t get discouraged, keep going and in time you?ll reap the benefits, the joys, the confidence and feelings of well being. Keep going self, keep going!
 
L

Lero

Guest
hope2reboot said:
Day 7: Wow, I made it. Had my doubts at times and the temptations have been much stronger the last couple days but thankfully I didn?t succumb. Next goal is 14 days. Barely slept last night but not sure if it?s because of withdrawal symptoms or just one of those nights. Stress at work is increasing and maybe that?s what it is......the silent and invisible killer. Anyway, congratulations self for making it 7 days. Hang in there because it will get easier. Think of the joys ahead vs the self loathing and disappointment you?ll see in your fianc?s face. Think about the chance that your relationship with her may break because of not stopping. Think about the feeling of being clean vs that of being dirty. Think about the victory you feel vs the drudgery and depression of defeat. Think about the zeal for things other than PMO, real life things, good things, not shameful things, that will grow inside of you. Think about the joy of life and love that PMO robs you of. Keep going self, you can do this, you need to do this. Choose life, not shame, drudgery and depression. You can do this self, you can do this! The renewing of your mind, the building up of normal neuropaths takes time so don?t get discouraged, keep going and in time you?ll reap the benefits, the joys, the confidence and feelings of well being. Keep going self, keep going!

Congratulations, man! Today I have 2 weeks too. Remembering the misery of porn is a great tool. Think about how you feel after a relapse. Feel it. Get in that moment and see how feel after a relapse. Then get out of it and say: "I will never feel like that again!" Anytime you feel any benefits of being P free, focus on that too. "I don't want those things to go away by relapsing!"

The mindset is very important. The brain will change back to normal by being starved of anything that stimulates it. This is: Hardcore porn, softcore porn, solo scenes, social media pictures, Youtube music videos, Youtube underwear trying and shit like that, but it's also porn flashbacks and fantasies. Porn is watching but also thinking about porn. Thinking about porn, indulging in the fantasies from your mind or "watching" that porn stuff that your brain stored, is also porn. The solution is: Staying away from all this. It's like a fire that you want to let it be until it extinguish itself, but you won't let it because you keep pouring gas on it, even if it means pouring only a cup vs pouring a bucket <- This should be interpreted as: Every little thing that activates the porn addicted brain (anything that makes you feel that pleasurable arousal) is the gas that you pour in the fire. There is no such thing as: "This stuff is too light. It's just a picture. I could survive looking at it for 5 seconds then I go out." If it stimulates the addiction, it's to be completely avoided without excuses. Playing with fire leads to relapse.

Once you stay away from watching/looking at any material, you have to be careful about seeing triggers by mistake and indulging in flashbacks/fantasies. You might not completely avoid them for life but it's your choice what you do about them. Do you walk away from them or drown in them?

Also, addictions are often self-medication tools. You might end up PMO-ing to deal with stress, anxiety, depression, regret, rejections etc. You need to identify those too and never use porn for them. Humans have the ability to deal with their problems without self-medication.

Anyway, man, if I bother you with those texts, let me know and I will keep my mouth shut.



 

Jay2019

Member
hope2reboot said:
Day 7: Wow, I made it. Had my doubts at times and the temptations have been much stronger the last couple days but thankfully I didn?t succumb. Next goal is 14 days. Barely slept last night but not sure if it?s because of withdrawal symptoms or just one of those nights. Stress at work is increasing and maybe that?s what it is......the silent and invisible killer. Anyway, congratulations self for making it 7 days. Hang in there because it will get easier. Think of the joys ahead vs the self loathing and disappointment you?ll see in your fianc?s face. Think about the chance that your relationship with her may break because of not stopping. Think about the feeling of being clean vs that of being dirty. Think about the victory you feel vs the drudgery and depression of defeat. Think about the zeal for things other than PMO, real life things, good things, not shameful things, that will grow inside of you. Think about the joy of life and love that PMO robs you of. Keep going self, you can do this, you need to do this. Choose life, not shame, drudgery and depression. You can do this self, you can do this! The renewing of your mind, the building up of normal neuropaths takes time so don?t get discouraged, keep going and in time you?ll reap the benefits, the joys, the confidence and feelings of well being. Keep going self, keep going!

Exactly, keep going.  Glad to hear you're a week down the line.  Sounds like you did a lot of good work when you stopped previously, and your brain will remember that, too.  Keep going.
 
Thanks Lero, your comments don?t bother me at all. I agree with you 100%!! What happened when I got back into PMO about 6 months ago was so subtle and talked myself into thinking it was okay. I was rarely getting morning wood after almost 3 years of no PMO and I just recently got engaged so I reasoned that I better make sure everything?s still working and thought that as long as I just think of my fianc? while I?m masterbating that it was okay. Big, big, big mistake for me. I soon after starting watching sexy music videos and then full on porn. It?s a very slippery slope for me so now I?m thinking never to O unless it?s my wife (soon to be) who is doing it. Anyways that?s the plan. Thanks again for the words of wisdom and encouragement.
 
Day 8:

Just checking in. Doing good still. Have temptations and urges all the time but have been able to NO. I want a real relationship, not fantasy, depression, guilt, loneliness and all the other ugly joy stealing stuff that?s goes with PMO. I have the choice to choose real love or a fake that just robs me of everything.
 
J

J01

Guest
A week plus already-great!  I am impressed by your commitment to keep yourselves for each other until marriage.  In today's world that is a radical act, almost revolutionary in fact.  Hang in there-it will pay dividends in the future. 
 
Thanks jixu, yeah, not many believe in waiting anymore and my fianc? is one of them which makes it even more difficult but she says she also feels more respected than she ever has in any other relationship and she actually really respects me for such beliefs. I just think the marriage commitment comes first before people get that intimate.

Well day 9 for me. Still PMO free, which feels good. The good feeling battles against the desires and urges. Gotta keep telling myself to not give in. Not easy right now but I?m choosing to stay strong. As others have said, the strong desires and urges will subside, they will pass and I?ll be so glad I didn?t give in. Tried something today at work where many very attractive and dressed to kill woman are always walking around. Thought instead of taking that 2nd look to rather just say to myself ?hope and pray she?s loved by someone?. It kinda helped me to not take that 2nd, 3rd, 4th....look. Objectifying woman I think is one of my biggest issues in this whole PMO addiction.
 
Day 11:

Just checking in. Still going strong and told myself today that this is my new lifestyle, no PMO or lusting after women. It?s not just a short term change, it?s a new lifestyle. I know I?ve still got a lot of battles ahead and I plan on winning them. I don?t really know why but it seems when I fall my resolve to stop somehow gets damaged and falling back into over and over again is very easy and then it takes a while being in PMO before it knocks me down enough that my resolve to stop gets a boost, enough to try again.... to seriously try again. I hope and pray this new resolve is for good. Last strong one was for three years. Why can?t this one be for good.
 
Day 12:

Really struggling right now. Friday and Saturday nights seem to be the hardest for me. Not sure really why. Maybe has something to do with not working the nest day and feel like I can recover from PMOing by Monday and be ready for another work week. Not really sure. Anyway I?m gonna stay strong and not PMO. Talked with my fianc? for about 4 hours this evening. Unfortunately we have a long distance relationship which is kinda tough. Even while talking with her tonight I really struggled in my thoughts with wanting to PMO. Dopamine overload I guess. Good thing is that i?m really tired so i?m just going to go to bed now and hopefully this dopamine overload will pass by tomorrow.
 
Thanks Lero, I stayed clean. Didn?t look at any material. If I look at anything it?s pretty much game over....MO will follow. Kinda like jumping off a cliff and expecting to stop in mid air. The urge has subsided so far for today but still fighting off a lot of temptation. One more day and it will be two weeks PMO free.....woohoo!
 
Not a poem writer but the first two lines have been going through my head today so I thought I?d try and write something. If nothing else at least it?s given me something to do for a bit:

Oh dopamine dopamine won?t you go away
Leave me alone, I pray I pray
Brain filled paths not real
Wanting my life to steal

Time is the healer
Wish there were more
Battling strong urges
As the dopamine roars

Finding strength and resolve
A very difficult task
Be strong, carry on
The craving won?t last



 
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