Alexander89
Member
Hey guys, I've struggled on and off with porn for years.
I started watching porn heavily when I was 12 or 13. 2-3 times per day for the next 5 years. I wish I could travel back in time and tell myself how destructive it is.
I've been able to go for 200 days before, 100+ days on at least 3 occasions, and 50+ days many more times, but I always end up falling from grace. Whenever I fall, I get stuck in the cycle.
I'm not an every day user, but despite the fact that I've been trying to quit since I was 18, I still end up getting involved in some sort of porn two-three times every month. The problem is that I have an amazing girlfriend who I am super attracted to and this makes me guilty as hell.
ALSO, when we started dating years ago, I had pretty bad porn induced ED. It's significantly better than what it was, but the pathway for porn is still so strong in my brain. When I watch porn 2 or 3 times within a month, my sex drive for my girlfriend goes down significantly. This is hard to explain and kills me inside.
I'm going to try and write in this journal every day. I watched porn last night and I feel TERRIBLE: anxiety, restless, guilty, on and on. The last few times I did it I didn't feel nearly as bad. This was like a panic attack. I am happy, in a weird way, that I feel terrible because it is an obvious consequence that I don't want to feel ever again--like the threat of a hangover makes you less likely to drink, but this feels worse.
I finally understand what the word 'addiction' means. Right here and right now I admit my powerlessness, but I move forward with high hopes and a firm decision to make a change.
I started watching porn heavily when I was 12 or 13. 2-3 times per day for the next 5 years. I wish I could travel back in time and tell myself how destructive it is.
I've been able to go for 200 days before, 100+ days on at least 3 occasions, and 50+ days many more times, but I always end up falling from grace. Whenever I fall, I get stuck in the cycle.
I'm not an every day user, but despite the fact that I've been trying to quit since I was 18, I still end up getting involved in some sort of porn two-three times every month. The problem is that I have an amazing girlfriend who I am super attracted to and this makes me guilty as hell.
ALSO, when we started dating years ago, I had pretty bad porn induced ED. It's significantly better than what it was, but the pathway for porn is still so strong in my brain. When I watch porn 2 or 3 times within a month, my sex drive for my girlfriend goes down significantly. This is hard to explain and kills me inside.
I'm going to try and write in this journal every day. I watched porn last night and I feel TERRIBLE: anxiety, restless, guilty, on and on. The last few times I did it I didn't feel nearly as bad. This was like a panic attack. I am happy, in a weird way, that I feel terrible because it is an obvious consequence that I don't want to feel ever again--like the threat of a hangover makes you less likely to drink, but this feels worse.
I finally understand what the word 'addiction' means. Right here and right now I admit my powerlessness, but I move forward with high hopes and a firm decision to make a change.