40-yearsOnVideoPorn
Member
Day 5 of quitting porn forever: March 7, 2019
I?ve always believed I am an extreme case of video porn addiction and sexual isolation. Since I have only now found this forum and the book, ?Your Brain On Porn? I don?t know anymore, if I am an extreme case, or just a lot more normal than I thought I was. I?ve tried to quit so many times I can?t count them all, everything I tried just came to hopelessness. I guess we?ll find out, because since this last week I have become totally committed to the process of banning pornography, and everything it does to me, from my life. So here we go. This is inconceivable, the very idea that I can actualyl do this, that it will work this time. Will I succeed this time? Something is very different now. I now see my brain as the problem and this is where the change is going to happen this time.
My story is a book I once would never have dared to write, purely from the shame. The shame I have carried all these many years is a weight I can?t bear anymore, so I really don?t give a damn who knows anymore if telling my story frees me from the isolation of this self-inflicted prison. I?m not going to tell people, I don?t want anyone to know, but I don?t care who knows anymore. I just want to be free of this horrible prison my brain has made for me and held me in. I always blamed myself but no more. If anything I blame human evolution for creating video porn and just being horribly susceptible to it.
My story with multi-channel video porn starts in 1979 when I was 17 years old. There was an adult bookstore with a video arcade on the seediest street in town. I remember seeing it out the car windows of my parent?s car when I was a child driving places with them. I promised myself when I was old enough, and could drive myself, I would secretly go check that place out. When I was 17, And had a car, one day it hit me like a tons of bricks, ?The video porn arcade! I can go there now!? So I went. And I have been under the control of compulsive multi-channel video porn addiction ever since.
I am now 56 and I can only think of two times I have 30 days without watching porn videos. I can only think of a handful of times I have gone longer than two weeks without compulsively and secretly driving to a video porn arcade. At times I went everday, other times a few times a week, sometimes just once a week, I never wanted to go, but I had to go. I couldn?t stop myself and I sincerely tried. For the first 20 years I felt awful about it. Eventually, I just gave up. And just secretly did what I had to do, lead a double life. A life as a video porn fueled sex addict and one as a normal person trying to have hopes and dreams of a better life, as a decent person.
If you believe tubesites are somehow new, they are merely an evolution that turned your desktop into a pornshop, a video arcade. 10-25 channel arcades have been around since the 70?s on super 8 film. Then came VHS and 50 channel arcades were common all thru the 80?s, then DVD saw the advent of 200 channel arcades during the 90?s and in late 90?s unlimited access to your computer slowly dawned. By 2006, it was all over. Any computer on earth was now an unlimited channel porn shop. I have been involved in this evolution the whole way, seen it from the inside and participated in the evolution of how pornography is delivered and I can finally shake my head and say, ? Snap out of it, man!? 40 years... gone.
I?ve tried helplessly to quit over the years, especially early on. My guilt and shame were devastating during those years. I sought professional help, spent a fortune on the best PhD sex psychologists I could find, i ruined marriages, lost girlfriends, I went to SA meetings for while and none of it changed my behavior. 30 days max is my all-time high water mark. And that was only one time during the most extreme events of my sex life during the worst of the AIDS crisis. I scared myself shitless for 30 days when my girlfriend found my journal and dumped me. Made me move out.
Even then, 30 days was the extreme far end that could tolerate life without masturbating to video porn. At the end of those 30 days my withdrawals were like a sea of intoxicating chemistry. I had no way to understand what was happening or what expect. I went back because I was so intensely horny. I needed a way out of those feelings but couldn?t find it.
During this 40 years I have tried to quit, it seems like, at least 100 times. The number of times I told myself this is the last time, that was it, I?m done, never again... you probably can?t imagine. 40 years. But this is my story. This is the cleaned up vanilla version of my story. No need to get into the awful details. We all know how this works now.
This book, Your Brain On Porn has not only renewed my hope when I was 20 years past hopeless, the book led me here to you guys. I?m reaching out from my rock bottom of total isolation with the belief that I can still change this now. This is new technology for me. I don?t think my case has been solvable, I believed I was hardwired by the hand of fate to be a masturtbating porn pervert, a sexual misfit. People have said, you can?t change people like that, they are incurable.
I?ve never committed sex crimes, ever. I know where the line between legal and illegal activity lis drawn and I would never hurt anyone... but my isolation has hurt people I love just by it?s very nature. Being incapable of intimacy hurts the people who love you in awful and sometimes torturous ways. In oregon, where I live, the laws here on vidro arcades and what you can do in them is a free for all. loosest sex laws in the country for strip clubs and all sex business. it?s the worst state I could possibly live in for my addiction.
But for the first time in my life, I see this ray of hope for me and I?m reaching out of my dark hole. Is there anyone out there? Can I finally be free of this?
I?ve always believed I am an extreme case of video porn addiction and sexual isolation. Since I have only now found this forum and the book, ?Your Brain On Porn? I don?t know anymore, if I am an extreme case, or just a lot more normal than I thought I was. I?ve tried to quit so many times I can?t count them all, everything I tried just came to hopelessness. I guess we?ll find out, because since this last week I have become totally committed to the process of banning pornography, and everything it does to me, from my life. So here we go. This is inconceivable, the very idea that I can actualyl do this, that it will work this time. Will I succeed this time? Something is very different now. I now see my brain as the problem and this is where the change is going to happen this time.
My story is a book I once would never have dared to write, purely from the shame. The shame I have carried all these many years is a weight I can?t bear anymore, so I really don?t give a damn who knows anymore if telling my story frees me from the isolation of this self-inflicted prison. I?m not going to tell people, I don?t want anyone to know, but I don?t care who knows anymore. I just want to be free of this horrible prison my brain has made for me and held me in. I always blamed myself but no more. If anything I blame human evolution for creating video porn and just being horribly susceptible to it.
My story with multi-channel video porn starts in 1979 when I was 17 years old. There was an adult bookstore with a video arcade on the seediest street in town. I remember seeing it out the car windows of my parent?s car when I was a child driving places with them. I promised myself when I was old enough, and could drive myself, I would secretly go check that place out. When I was 17, And had a car, one day it hit me like a tons of bricks, ?The video porn arcade! I can go there now!? So I went. And I have been under the control of compulsive multi-channel video porn addiction ever since.
I am now 56 and I can only think of two times I have 30 days without watching porn videos. I can only think of a handful of times I have gone longer than two weeks without compulsively and secretly driving to a video porn arcade. At times I went everday, other times a few times a week, sometimes just once a week, I never wanted to go, but I had to go. I couldn?t stop myself and I sincerely tried. For the first 20 years I felt awful about it. Eventually, I just gave up. And just secretly did what I had to do, lead a double life. A life as a video porn fueled sex addict and one as a normal person trying to have hopes and dreams of a better life, as a decent person.
If you believe tubesites are somehow new, they are merely an evolution that turned your desktop into a pornshop, a video arcade. 10-25 channel arcades have been around since the 70?s on super 8 film. Then came VHS and 50 channel arcades were common all thru the 80?s, then DVD saw the advent of 200 channel arcades during the 90?s and in late 90?s unlimited access to your computer slowly dawned. By 2006, it was all over. Any computer on earth was now an unlimited channel porn shop. I have been involved in this evolution the whole way, seen it from the inside and participated in the evolution of how pornography is delivered and I can finally shake my head and say, ? Snap out of it, man!? 40 years... gone.
I?ve tried helplessly to quit over the years, especially early on. My guilt and shame were devastating during those years. I sought professional help, spent a fortune on the best PhD sex psychologists I could find, i ruined marriages, lost girlfriends, I went to SA meetings for while and none of it changed my behavior. 30 days max is my all-time high water mark. And that was only one time during the most extreme events of my sex life during the worst of the AIDS crisis. I scared myself shitless for 30 days when my girlfriend found my journal and dumped me. Made me move out.
Even then, 30 days was the extreme far end that could tolerate life without masturbating to video porn. At the end of those 30 days my withdrawals were like a sea of intoxicating chemistry. I had no way to understand what was happening or what expect. I went back because I was so intensely horny. I needed a way out of those feelings but couldn?t find it.
During this 40 years I have tried to quit, it seems like, at least 100 times. The number of times I told myself this is the last time, that was it, I?m done, never again... you probably can?t imagine. 40 years. But this is my story. This is the cleaned up vanilla version of my story. No need to get into the awful details. We all know how this works now.
This book, Your Brain On Porn has not only renewed my hope when I was 20 years past hopeless, the book led me here to you guys. I?m reaching out from my rock bottom of total isolation with the belief that I can still change this now. This is new technology for me. I don?t think my case has been solvable, I believed I was hardwired by the hand of fate to be a masturtbating porn pervert, a sexual misfit. People have said, you can?t change people like that, they are incurable.
I?ve never committed sex crimes, ever. I know where the line between legal and illegal activity lis drawn and I would never hurt anyone... but my isolation has hurt people I love just by it?s very nature. Being incapable of intimacy hurts the people who love you in awful and sometimes torturous ways. In oregon, where I live, the laws here on vidro arcades and what you can do in them is a free for all. loosest sex laws in the country for strip clubs and all sex business. it?s the worst state I could possibly live in for my addiction.
But for the first time in my life, I see this ray of hope for me and I?m reaching out of my dark hole. Is there anyone out there? Can I finally be free of this?