Free my soul

I am 35 years old. I must have started viewing porn in my teens. At that stage it was print media - magazines etc. PMO was a daily routine. I needed it. It was my fix. It got me through life's difficulties.

As I got older my source changed to the internet - pictures and movies. When I was single I would view it also on a daily basis. It helped me through my loneliness in my twenties and early thirties.

I am now married and my wife doesn't know that I view porn. I usually PMO once or twice a week now. It's mainly triggered by stress or loneliness. Maybe the fact that we also hardly engage in sex (due to her low sex drive) drives me to PMO.

But all things considered I have realized that PMO has not brought me lasting happiness. It brings short term pleasure but has hampered me from experiencing the true joys of life. I neglected friendships, maybe even adopted an unhealthy lifestyle because I always knew I was going to get my 'hit' at the end of the day that makes everything right.

There are a few reasons why I want to quit:
- I want to improve my karma in life. Alot has gone wrong and somehow I feel responsible for attracting negative karma either directly or indirectly through the act of viewing porn.
- I want to feel closer to my new wife (just got married last year). The act of viewing porn, I feel, is not something to be proud of and not something I can share with her. So it creates a divide since I have this secret that I do not share with her out of fear. Maybe it will bring us closer and our sex life will also improve.
- I want to cleanse my brain/mind. I feel that I can achieve so much more in life if my mind is clear.

I have tried in the past to 'reboot' with no success. My last effort was from 4-8 January 2015. The longest I have gone is about a month. Sometimes I feel like its impossible...I have spent half my life doing this...how do I move on without falling apart?

This has been a solo battle for me thus far and I am hoping to make some friends here who can help me in this journey as I am too embarrassed to engage with my existing family and friends about this problem.

My intention is to journal here. It seems safe enough. And there are like minded people who won't judge me. This will become my place of solace if I fail, and my place of reflection when I triumph. I sincerely hope and pray that I can get over this habit.

Thanks for listening 

Awesome

You can do this! I also used PMO to relieve stress. It is destructive when it becomes an addiction, like it has for me.

Thanks guys!

Its so good to know that there are other people like me out there and that I am not a horrible person for having this problem.

I must admit that I also tried just removing porn but that didn't work so well. I read on the forums about an non-arousal method where you just cut out all types of visual stimulation and I think that it could work better.

Yesterday I went to the gym. I tried this thought experiment. I did not focus on women's bodies as I usually do. The workout felt good, but also later that evening I wasn't horny as I usually am after a gym visit. This was a good sign for me.

I felt a bit moody but this was because of a different issue...but I was able to control my emotions a bit better and not get angry. I am also listening to some audio cds about The Four Noble Truths as I drive to work to keep my mind occupied on something worthwhile.

Another challenge is 'morning wood'. It becomes more frequent and pronounced when I am not masturbating. It also seems that its not within my control. Its good that I can still maintain an erection I guess....but I'm wondering what I will do as these get stronger. Maybe they die off at some stage in the reboot?

I am feeling good today... a bit cleaner. It's only day 2....one day at a time. 

Day 3:

The first week is always easy for me. The second week is where it starts becoming a bit more difficult. I am consciously not oogling everything in sight maybe this will help me maintain some sort of equilibrium. I don't have any urges yet. Had a few erections last night but nothing serious.

The last time I tried to reboot, I started having dreams that included porn....maybe it was my subconscious clearing itself out? I suspect it will happen this time around too.

My relationships are going well. I feel peaceful right now but I know that the tough part is yet to come. I want to be stronger when it does arrive. I feel the universe supporting me in this goal, because it is a virtuous and noble goal.

Brethren may we all stay blessed in our pursuit for a good and wholesome life. To those who are still going strong - you are an inspiration to those of us starting. To those who have relapsed - just remember that every time you pick yourself up and start again your intention becomes stronger and you will be more supported - keep going.

Peace and love.

Hey better life,
I am right there with you knowing that I have neglected friends. I sometimes lose all motivation to interact with people and become reclusive. I wonder where the last 10 years of my life went. I feel like I haven't really "lived" yet and I want to start doing that. I have reached out to family and friend and my pastors, and sadly, no one was able to help me, either because they didn't know how, or weren't motivated because it wasn't a problem they identified with or would stick with. So I've been on my own for more than 10 years trying but mostly just giving up. I finally realized life isn't worth living like this. I really fear for my life because I get so depressed sometimes. Hopefully this will help. My longest streak tend to be about 30 days as well.  I did make it about 6.5 weeks once but only because I was so depressed.  Good luck.

MtnClmbr said:

Hey better life,
I am right there with you knowing that I have neglected friends. I sometimes lose all motivation to interact with people and become reclusive. I wonder where the last 10 years of my life went. I feel like I haven't really "lived" yet and I want to start doing that. I have reached out to family and friend and my pastors, and sadly, no one was able to help me, either because they didn't know how, or weren't motivated because it wasn't a problem they identified with or would stick with. So I've been on my own for more than 10 years trying but mostly just giving up. I finally realized life isn't worth living like this. I really fear for my life because I get so depressed sometimes. Hopefully this will help. My longest streak tend to be about 30 days as well.  I did make it about 6.5 weeks once but only because I was so depressed.  Good luck.

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Hi MtnClmbr, its amazing how so many of us have similar stories. It's sad but at the same time it makes me feel like there is nothing inherently wrong with me, as many others have fell into the trap as well. I wish you all the best on the road to recovery...the emotional aspect of this is truly the hardest - even worse than the physical aspect. If we can conquer our emotions we can triumph!

Day 7:

So I made it to one week.

The weekend was challenging. I was in a stressful situation and was so tempted to give in....'what's 6 days without PMO anyways?' my mind was telling me...'you can always start again'. I meditated, I read, I tossed and turned....I held on. I feel proud for being able to do this. I was really tempted to just MO, but after reading on the forums on how it can cause you to relapse - I decided against it.

I also found myself fantasizing and oogling a bit on the weekend. I noticed this and decided to stop. Sometimes I was unaware of how I was going back into the habit. I guess it was my body craving dopamine and trying to trick my brain to play along. I now look at woman's faces and not drop my focus to their bodies. I acknowledge them as human beings and not objects for my physical fantasies. I must continue in this way.

I decided to set myself some milestones to work towards:

Start date = 11 Jan 2016
30 day milestone = 9 Feb 2016
60 day milestone = 10 March 2016
90 day milestone = 9 April 2016

The primary goal is no PMO. I am also going to try to avoid MO during this period as I want to prevent a relapse.

If I can achieve this I want to be rid of porn for the rest of my life. The orgasms I should have are either through masturbation in response to the physical touch or through real sex.

I am committed to this goal. It will get harder but I have to be strong. Lets see if I can make through week 2!

Day 8:

Energy is gone. Slight depression...doesn't help that my partner is upset with me. Wish I could crawl back into bed.

Going to gym later - hope that helps. I am at work but don't really feel like working. I decided to follow a vegetarian diet since the beginning of this year - not sure if that is causing the tiredness because I had a good nights rest.

Was watching TV last night and was tempted to get into full blown fantasies about the actress on the show. She wasn't that hot either.

Goal: Survive this day and get one step closer to the 30 day milestone.

Day 9:

This second week is hard. With stress and fantasies playing havoc with my mind. Got some bad news at work today.

What is the alternative to dopa-mine rushes?

Meditation helps me stay centered. I realized that certain things don't bother me as much as they did before. But I wonder if I am becoming a bit detached from my surroundings?

My energy is still low. Motivation also low. I went to the gym yesterday...was good.

I sometimes feel scared to let go of this aspect of my life. It has been there for me since childhood...my crutch. What if I don't gain anything from kicking this habit? What if everything around me falls apart anyways. Am I wasting my time?

When I started out I was sure. Now I feel tired and its only week 2.....bleh!

Hi brother,

We are about the same point i believe as far as days goes (among many other common points), and sometimes i'm also asking my self the same questions as you.

Even today, at some point, i was thinking, is this really worth it ? Will it really change me as person and the man that i wish to be ?

Then it hits me, that when i ask my self such questions, i realise that it's exclusively when i feel down (obviously), as if my mind or my brain was trying to put up some sort of negotiation, bargaining to make me relapse, or sort out some truce deal. Then when i'm feeling good, because we all (you included) eventually feel good after feeling down, i end up believing in this fight i'm doing, that's it's the right thing to do, to get rid of some stuff that i don't need in my quest of becoming a man, the man that i always wanted to be.

It is normal to doubt, remind yourself that when struggle and will struggle again and again before eventually feeling better and better,  doubts are part of the package making us eventually relapse.

I believe that this is not about porn, but dopamine addiction, porn in only a symptom and a big one.  And in order to overcome this symptom, we need to work on other aspects of our lives as well, same as you do with sport, meditation, and hopefully for future projects that i wish to be successful. If we work on all this, all together, it WILL pay, be sure of that. You will gain a lot by kicking this habit.

Much love man, never surrender.

BestVersionOfMySelf said:

Hi brother,

We are about the same point i believe as far as days goes (among many other common points), and sometimes i'm also asking my self the same questions as you.

Even today, at some point, i was thinking, is this really worth it ? Will it really change me as person and the man that i wish to be ?

Then it hits me, that when i ask my self such questions, i realise that it's exclusively when i feel down (obviously), as if my mind or my brain was trying to put up some sort of negotiation, bargaining to make me relapse, or sort out some truce deal. Then when i'm feeling good, because we all (you included) eventually feel good after feeling down, i end up believing in this fight i'm doing, that's it's the right thing to do, to get rid of some stuff that i don't need in my quest of becoming a man, the man that i always wanted to be.

It is normal to doubt, remind yourself that when struggle and will struggle again and again before eventually feeling better and better,  doubts are part of the package making us eventually relapse.

I believe that this is not about porn, but dopamine addiction, porn in only a symptom and a big one.  And in order to overcome this symptom, we need to work on other aspects of our lives as well, same as you do with sport, meditation, and hopefully for future projects that i wish to be successful. If we work on all this, all together, it WILL pay, be sure of that. You will gain a lot by kicking this habit.

Much love man, never surrender.

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Wow I needed that! Thanks for the encouragement and wise words. I am still hanging in there. The tough part is that life is not perfect, and finding a replacement coping mechanism is also quite difficult. Right now I am practicing patience.

Anytime man, that's what we are here for, to help each other go through this mess that shouldn't be part of our lives anymore. We don't need it, it's not useful by any mean.

As for patience, you're right about that. What you're also practicing is will power. Think of it like a muscle that you need to streghten in order to deal better with whatever's next in your life, not only PMO issues. This will definitely make you stronger if you don't give up.

Day 10:

So it's Day 10...made it to double digits lol.

I am feeling very flat with slight depression. Things are a bit difficult at home. Late last year my mom had a disagreement with my sister (who she was living with at the time) and she had then moved in with myself and my wife. It was difficult for us since we were only married for a few months so its a new dynamic early on in our marriage.

Anyways my wife has not been handling this new living arrangement well at all and she takes it out on me. PMO has been my medicine in recent times due to this. The issue has popped up again with my wife attacking me. I found myself less defensive and a bit more empathetic than before. I suggested that we approach a therapist to advise us on how to deal with this new dynamic. It seemed to have diffused the situation. I feel sorry for her ...she was crying last night and didnt want to talk to me.

I'm not sure if its this flatline but I felt apathetic at the time. I asked her if she was ok tho. I wish she could know what I am battling right now in addition to our home problems. I am too terrified to reveal this dark and disgusting aspect of me to her.

I am battling with it by myself and with the help of my fellow brothers here on the forum.

Life is stressful ...we also heard that there are going to be lay offs at work...I hope I dont lose my job.

I have turned to spirituality this year. I feel like I am at the midpoint in my life and I need to evaluate whats happened and where I want to go. All the things I have been doing thus far has not brought me lasting happiness. In fact in the last few years I have experienced alot of suffering in terms of health, relationships, family and work. It reached a climax at the end of 2015 where there were 3 deaths in the family.

I had enough...decided it was time to clear up my karma. Quit eating meat to stop the suffering of animals. And also decided to stop PMO which I believe also has a negative effect on my karma and quality of life.

I don't see any progress in my life yet. Maybe the universe and higher powers are waiting to see how serious I am about this before life gets better.

This is why I am here. And now you know where I want to go. I pray the same for all of you - A Better Life.

Good luck Freemysoul, good luck to everyone who is struggling with this problem (porn n masturbation). I wish we could do more than just posting online. We all here to support each other ,but when hard times come we all alone.

Zombieman said:

Good luck Freemysoul, good luck to everyone who is struggling with this problem (porn n masturbation). I wish we could do more than just posting online. We all here to support each other ,but when hard times come we all alone.

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Of course, the forum doesn't allow us to move in with each other. We have to face it alone but this online community helps us to know there are others out there who are fighting the good fight and insights into their behavior that they've discovered can help us avoid the pitfalls that they had fallen into. Nobody ever said it was going to be easy.

Thanks guys for your words of encouragement!

Day 14:

So I am 2 weeks into my reboot. It hasn't gotten easier for me. There were many instances were I would have caved in (in the past). This time around I am more conscious of my decision and am trying hard to stay committed. Between TV programs, scantily clad women, fantasies, stressful situations ...last week has been tough. I am relying heavily on spirituality and meditation to get me through this. I logged onto this website on my phone when I needed some inspiration to get me through.

I actually had a dream that I had relapsed. In my dream I was searching for some porn, but I remember feeling like a loser for giving in. When I awoke I was so glad that it was dream and that I didn't really relapse.

I find that when I am faced with images on TV or even temptations in real life - I decide not to 'save it for later'. I decide in that moment to let it go. It is difficult but I do it - because its the right thing to do. I have decades of programming in my head and that's why most days are a challenge. Its me against myself.

I am not going to lie - life is difficult at the moment. There are many reasons why I should give up and why I should just live for the moment. But there is also something inside me that yearns to be free and yearns to be unleashed. It has been talking to me for most of my life but I have not been listening to it. I always took the easy way out.

I am halfway to my first milestone...I want to get there, I really do. I pray for strength and peace of mind to get me there.

Let's see what week 3 is going to throw at me... 8)

Day 16:

Just checking in. I almost MO'd this morning but was able to stop myself. It feels like much longer than 16 days that I have experienced that sort of release. I want to not MO for as long as possible to prevent any possibility of a relapse.

Last night got into a bit of an argument with the mrs so I was stressed out. Was able to resolve it (resolutions happen quicker now because I get less angry over things), but still experienced anxiety and stress. This morning I was tempted to have my usual 'medicine' in the form of MO but decided against it.

I still find myself fantasizing. Was in a meeting today and was fantasizing about a work colleague who to be honest I don't even find attractive. Its funny how this dopa-mine addiction works....anything to trick you into getting a hit.

I haven't been longing for porn thus far. Much of my challenge comes from seeing real women out in public and off course fantasies. Maybe this was my original trigger all along. This is bad since indirectly I am not being true to my wife by entertaining these thoughts/fantasies.

Post Mortem:

I relapsed last night.

It was a stressful day. Was alone watching tv...a program about the large hadron collider in Cern....not exactly a trigger! But I think it was the days events that put me at an emotional low and made me vulnerable.

Well my mind started wandering...then wondering if the Netflix series Narcos has gratuitous sex in which case I would avoid it. I checked the parental guide on IMDB and the descriptions about the sex scenes started the downward spiral. I then started googling etc...will spare you the details. Eventually PMOd 5 seconds into a porn clip. I was very aware of what I was doing. I could feel the 16 days of no PMO slipping away. I was aware of how my brain was convincing me that since I peeked I might as well go all the way. I did it anyway.

I am not proud but I also forgive myself. This is not an easy journey and when BestVersionOf Myself said that it takes willpower - he was not kidding.

In hindsight, I could have nipped this in the bud. The signs were there....the fantasies the day before, the stress trigger showing up. But it is easier said than done.

I didn't binge last night. I just went straight to bed.

I am going to start again today. Set new milestones and with the help of this forum get back on track.

Looking back over the past 16 days I can take these positives:
I felt better about myself.
I wasn't anxious.
I liked the person I was becoming.
I felt cleaner in body and mind.
I felt healthy.
I felt stable.
I dealt with difficult situations in a good manner.
I felt a spiritual awakening inside me.
I felt more confident.
My emotions were low at times but stable.
My health was better.
I felt the universe supporting me.

My PMO experience only helped me to dull my senses in the moment. It did not offer me lasting solutions to the stress or loneliness I experienced. I realized that this problem is bigger than just porn. Its about my emotional well being. I think if I find a way to take care of this then maybe I won't need the dopa-mine to help me out. I will have to look into this aspect of my life as I start my journey again.

Strive on.

I PMOd again last night. Relapse is a slippery slope and it seems like the night is my enemy.

I am feeling crappy today....woke up feeling a bit feverish.

My mind is also messed up and I feel insecure. When I am on my streak my mood is low and I have slight depression. When I relapse I feel anxious and muddled.
I don't feel good about myself either. My confidence and self esteem are low. Also feel like I am not in control.

I really need to get through tonight without PMO no matter what.