So here's my second post, shedding bit more light on me. You'll find here about
1)
My past life with porn
2)
What are my goals?
3)
How I want to achieve them?
I suppose that, the way I'll be writing this journal, people, who know me, could discover who I'm (in real world). And that's OK. I'm tired of trying to hide my problems at all costs. I'm not going to tattoo "porn addict" on my forehead, but I'm not running away anymore neither. Problem can't be overcome by denial.
All comments are welcome and as always, if you find anything wrong grammatically or otherwise, just let me know (probably by PM, so thread won't become too messy, but that's up to you).
1)
MY PAST LIFE (WITH PORN + OTHER STUFF)
When I've come to contact with porn, home internet connection has been still pretty rare, so there was not much danger then (we've even exchange some pictures on floppy disks with friends). (Un)Luckily, I've been able to use internet in public library. No site blocker, computer was in quiet corner, it was just ideal. Bit after that I've come across site featuring only faces of girls in the moment of orgasm. It had only one free sample clip available, but it was all I needed. I've seen it countless times, and masturbated to visions of it back home a lot as well. I was around 15 then. After that I can't recall using porn that much, but I've got my naughty fantasies in the manga comics. I've become more and more drawn to Asian looking girls (mostly Japanese) and didn't find real girls around me (in my class, mostly) attractive. So I've kept on escaping into world of drawn girls, hoping for strong, deep, almost platonic love, as often featured in mangas, which I couldn't imagine with any girl around. By time I've been 19, I've couldn't feel any excitement around real girls, with only one exception, and felt bit scared and ashamed by that fact (and my inexperience), so I just tried to do my best to avoid any relationship beyond being classmates. Still, it could have been just shyness at that time, but worst was just yet come.
-- It is probably worth noting that I've been lousy student at high school, mostly due to laziness and getting lost in fantasy worlds of computer games and comics/manga. Thanks to that I've quickly labeled as kind of person, which may be sometimes amusing, but not to be counted on with more serious stuff. No one (my folks included) expected anything from me and I've sometimes felt like I'm getting further and further away from world of serious adults anyone else was heading to. -> Start of low self-esteem? Could be...
After finishing high school, I've wanted to study environment protection on Uni, but I didn't pass entry exams. I've randomly picked computer college as another option, which turned out surprisingly good choice. For the first time, since elementary school, I've been interested (and successful) in school again. I've had good flatmates there too, they helped me overcome my shyness a bit, especially in talking about girls, sex and similar things. Worse thing was unlimited internet access at the dorm. Since all my flatmates have been watching porn (and didn't seem to be suffering), I haven't seen anything wrong with it. More porn (mostly Asian) probably made me drift even further from real girls around, without me even noticing it. Obviously, as time went by and more of my friends got their girlfriends, which made me feel worse, consuming more porn. After getting bit more drunk (I wouldn't gave the guts while sober) I wrote message to that only girl I thought about (my ex-classmate, didn't know any other girls than from school), kinda confessing and asking her out. She suggested we can meet at the party other friends announced and chat about it. I've agreed but as party got closer, I couldn't imagine asking her out with other people around and I chickened out, not even talking to her much at that party. My lack of guts disgusted myself, turning me away from interaction with real girls even more, leaving me fantasizing (mostly) about hot Japanese schoolgirls being very very naughty
-- Confidence-wise, I've had great success at college, gaining some practical experience during work placements as a part of school programme, and passing my final exams with flying colours. Suppose that balanced out my lack of success with girls a bit, so I still haven't felt too desperate about it then.
Search for job after college proved rather fruitless and frustrating. I took job at the only company (very small one, almost one-man show) I got reply from, working full time, getting paid like part time. Looking for better option, I've decided to go to uni, but it was resolution made more out of lack of better plans and hopes for future, rather than my own drive and interest in it. That probably took its toll on my studying morale, sinking back to the field of average-at-best students. Improved social life, I've hoped for with moving into uni dorm, hasn't happened as I've been already too scared to be more social and that, combined with my natural initial shyness, made me feeling even more lonely than at college (the fact that my expectations were probably largely porn-influenced and not too similar to real life obviously didn't help at all). As I've spent most of the time playing video games, watching porn and getting increasingly worried, anxious and scared, desperation started kicking in way stronger and more often than ever before. For a first time I've tried to deal with my porn consumption which has been getting out of hand (with all that jerking off involved, you could say I mean it literally
). I've felt like "I got it under control", eventually realizing that nothing could be further from truth, but with my willpower, self-confidence and self-worth being deep down, I give in eventually and all hell broke loose. Long sessions of edging to countless porn sites, skipping my lessons, neglecting hobbies (the ones which still had some appeal to me back then, I mean) and contact with friends (which I've grown afraid of as I felt more and more like sick pervert). Shift from "quite innocent" mainstream porn to more shocking one (mostly rape scenes, some bestiality), taboo flavoured (lolita type of actresses) and simply more intense one (hentai with its baseball bat-like cocks, hectoliters of bodily fluids and earth-shaking orgasms) also happened. In the end I preferred to mix it kinda in one big "porn menu" with hardcore porn as foreplay, tons of "mainstream" hentai as main meal and shockers (rape, shota, tentacles, etc.) as desert to "top it up" and push me over the edge.
More shame and guilt came with this shift,, which make it even harder for me to just get out and walk in straight line with people around. In my mind everyone knew I'm into that stuff and no one would find such pitiful existence like me interesting or attractive. Fear of staying totally alone was biting hard, causing severe mood swings at many occasions. Unable to even try to find girl I started doubting about my sexual orientation, which has been really bizzare train of thoughts like this: "
I haven't got laid yet, so I suppose I can't be interested in girls, I'm gay then. But I don't even watch gay porn nor think about guys, so maybe I'm pedophile. Yeah, I like to watch some lolita-like actresses, so that's probably it..." After this consideration, I've been very depressed and thinking about suicide quite lot. When stoner's paranoia about my supposed pedophilia hit me once, dragging me the lowest I've ever been, I've been able to think it through and realized I'm really nor pedophile neither gay, so I sorted out, at least, doubts about my orientation. But my abuse of porn continued. Due to excessive amount of explicit images burnt into my brain I developed "porn-vision" of a kind. Thanks to it I've been able to fantasize very explicitely about any girl I saw in a blink of an eye. Basically, I've been generating my own porn movies inside my head with random girls I met on street, in the school, anywhere. After some time I realized I'm no longer in control of it, and it made me, in fact, even less interested in real girls. It was almost like "
why I should be interested in starting any relationship with this girl, going through first date, holding hands, kissing and so on, when, in my head, I've already fucked her in every way imaginable". On the other hand, I was just dying finally get laid with real girl, experience real thing, but thanks to porno-vision, my libido and any confidence in my ability to please a girl, have been almost bellow zero. Combined with total inexperience when it comes to interacting with girls, I think I would probably ran away, if, by some coincidence, I would have opportunity to sleep with girl. I've been slowly turning 25 and felt like I'm completely lost case. Shame from being virgin at that age was crushing me, making me quite lifeless, destroying any confidence I had left in me. All this was not bound to just sexual relationships, it affected everything in my life. With lack of self-esteem, my motivation has died out, schoolwork became almost impossible to finnish, hobbies lost any appeal and I couldn't see way out.
Breakthrough came, when I finally kicked myself to try it with call girl (I'm aware of forum policy not to encourage prostitute, I'm just telling how it's been for me). I've been able to stay more calm when I've seen it as a deal, thus removing any possible rejection due to my lousy abilities, but still, I've been nervous as hell when I was about to see her, trust me. Luckily she's been quite nice and understanding which really worked wonders for me. Thing, which has been turning me into shaking, anxious, impotent fella has been finally taken care of. At least, I thought, from now on I won't be clueless, scratching my head and wondering how to get inside, if I'll ever get lucky with girl
On the other hand, porn induced ED & DE, I haven't been aware of (obviously), showed up, to bother me instead. But truth to be told, it didn't bothered me that much as that previous problem, as I could at least imagine some solutions to that. My new founded hope fueled my self-improvement attempts for several months (even though, obviously, It wasn't without low moments every now and then). I've got enough courage to go volunteering abroad during the summer and there I've met my girl. With her, I've started to drift from porn-land back to reality, and, by the end of second month I've been able to enjoy sex with her without any porn fantasies. Whole summer stay abroad has been very helpful, as I didn't take my computer with me, so I've been almost two months offline, using only public computer in local library to check my mail every now and then. After returning back home (my girlfriend went with me), I've felt much more confident, relaxed and managed to stay clear off porn for about a month. I just didn't have the need to use it. I've been even really looking forward to the last year at university, having quite ambitious feeling about my bachelor's project. But then eventually, probably in some moment of boredom, searching for cheap thrill, I've thought I will just have look at clip or two. As you can guess, it was bad, bad decision.
Fast forward: thanks to some tension in relationship and increased pressure at school I've just returned to my old drug, reaching previous levels of consumption quite fast. My self-esteem started dropping again, motivation and interest in things quickly following. Every now and then I've tried to do something about it, but my approach lack system, didn't know exactly what to fix, and missing some important information about porn addiction as well (at that time I just thought that if I'll be able to watch porn without feeling shameful and guilty, it won't affect me negatively). Even though my interest in my studies went down again steeply, I've managed to graduate, but received no satisfaction from it, and my original, more ambitious goals from the beginning of school year (when I haven't been under such strong porn addiction influence) have been far from accomplished. After that I moved with my girlfriend back to her country, where story has been quite similar. At the beginning, we haven't got internet access in our place and there's been so many new things and challenges to keep my mind occupied. After three months we got internet access and things started to took similar turn. This time I've been already armed with new knowledge, after seeing Gary Wilson's video from TEDx (Great Porn experiment), which blew my mind and allowed me to see things bit differently. Since this January, I've been trying to keep my head off the artificial stimulation of any kind, and plot how to make sure this time change will be more permanent. This involved keeping myself occupied (doing more traveling around, volunteering through HelpX - great thing!) and educating myself more on issue of low self-esteem, which is my another problem, playing its part in my previous relapses.
I feel tempted to say "So far, so good..." but I have feeling that battle won't be over for some time yet. That's also reason why I set up my goal as one year without relapsing.
--my counter is set to 180 days to make it less daunting in the beginning. I will set it to 365 days after achieving this first half of my goal.
btw. I've decided to put the other two subjects (What are my goals & How I want to achieve them) into separate posts, they will appear soon