How to have sex again?

Sadnancy61

New Member
Hi..I?m a newbie!

My bf quit porn around a year ago and still isn?t able to get erections, it doesn?t help that I?m so traumatised by his porn addiction. However we are still together and want it to work out.

I don?t know what we are supposed to be doing to rewire his brain to me. He wants me to masturbate him but it?s not fully erect and I don?t see the point because it just causes me more upset that he?s not enjoying it and it?s a pointless exercise..

I keep reading stories about other guys recovering and wandering why it isn?t working for us. He doesn?t kiss me or anything or enjoy any sort of foreplay. He is however affectionate out with the bedroom.

Please help because I?m really overwhelmed by it all
 

aquarius25

Respected Member
The first thing he can do to rewire his brain is to stop looking at all porn! That is the most important part. As far as sex, waiting a few months is a good idea. It allows you time to process and him brain time to rewire. One thing that is really important is that his reboot and healing process is different than yours. You both need to figure out what it is that you need. Don't put yourself in a position that you are doing something you don't feel comfortable or enjoy for someone else. That is not good in any situation. I would also add that him asking you to masturbate him and having no other real contact in the bedroom is probably counterproductive to a reboot. It is just simulating his masturbation and isn't really rewiring anything. If his goal is to achieve a hard on than that is probably not the best way to do it. He should really consider hardmode. If his goal is to heal from an addiction and to be able to be intimate with you than there is a lot more than just a reboot that is required. Communicate. Talk to each other. Set goals. Tell him your hurt and listen to his hurt too. If you want strong relationship the foundations are trust, integrity, vulnerability, authenticity. There are a lot of men on here who just focus on getting a hard on again. They swear that having a partner to try to have sex with is better for their reboot, and a ton of other BS. They don't often consider the thoughts and feelings of the partner. They aren't understanding that if they don't dig deep and discover the root causes and make some real changes then they will just end up in the same place again and again. They need to sort out what drove them to the behavior in the first place. They need to figure out who they want to be, what kind of a future they want to have. All of that takes time and effort.

I say all of this to be encouraging. I really suggest you talk to him and the two of you figure out what you want this relationship to look like. Where is it going? Have you communicated how masturbating him makes you feel? Have you communicated the hurt you are feeling and trying to work through? Share and open up with each other. That is the only way to not just heal the sexual intimacy but the relationship as a whole.
 

Redfire03

Active Member
Get him off all social networks. No Instagram,no dnap chat, no pintrest, no facebook. He needs to be off all of it. That all can lead to porn like thoughts and rushs when he see other women. No twitter either....get him off those now. If he isnt that could be the problem.
 
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mf1438

Guest
There is more to life than sex. Be patient. Find other ways to connect with him. And have a long talk with him. Find out what causes arousal. Some things you can't do, but some things you can do, like a nice strip tease may help. But don't put pressure on him. Whatever he does is better than nothing. Eventually he will rewire his triggers to you.
 

mrsturtle

Member
You need to determine why he?s not having good heathy stromg erections. Is he mastubating? How often? Is he still PMO?ing and lying about it? The truth is in his erections. The body never lies! I suggest a hard mode 90 day reboot. No O?s for 90 days or at the very least O?s with you only. No M! If he can commit to that it will lead you both on a beautiful journey to healing and intimacy. As for reconnecting sexually you can begin to practice Karezza, a very gentle style of lovemaking with no goal of orgasm. Search Karezza to find out more. Karezza can be practiced even during a hard mode reboot which is what my husband are doing now. We?ve been together 29 years and are having the best sex of our lives with him having no O?s. See Turtle Journal in the over 40 section of reboot forums.

 
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HumbleRich

Guest
Hey, man and recovering porn addict here,

I am only starting a serious recovery today so take what I say with a grain of salt, but perhaps your relationship needs a few splashes of spontaneity and reinforced chemistry.  I believe that human beings are monogamous and that long term commitment is a good thing, but also that chemistry can fade with time if it is not reinforced.  Also, porn gives artificial boosts of chemistry which could be why he is having a tough time bouncing back.  Do you remember when your relationship first began and you couldn't keep your hands off eachother?  You need to find a way to bring that back.

So, yes no porn or masturbation.  But also, if there could be anything positive about porn it is definitely the idea of flirtation and strong chemistry, and you need that in your relationship.

I am definitely NOT saying you should watch porn.  Definitely not.  And HE should not be watching or consuming any kind of erotica.  But perhaps you could find a way to practice that kind of chemistry together.

Remember the saying that sex begins long before you get to the bedroom.  That is an important idea.  Flirting is extremely important, as is intimacy.  He has gotten to a place where he can't feel that chemistry anymore.  The porn, by focusing his Chemistry Centers on other women has made it difficult for him.  Together you need to work on getting that chemistry focused back on eachother.

Best of luck,

Rich
 

malando

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
I would say that unless he has a medical reason, he's still using porn. One year is certainly enough to rebound to some degree of enjoyable functionality. But if he's still using, even if it's a lot less than it used to be, it can keep the issues he had around in a similar way.

The fact that he's not affectionate in the bedroom suggests some sort of anxiety going on or he's all up in his head about whether this is going to be successful - again, signs that he might still be using porn. I don't know how much you trust him, or how hard you are to push for the truth, but I think you need some answers because this problem will ultimately destroy your relationship. If I were you I'd be saying, "If you promise me you haven't used porn for a whole year, we need to go get all the possible tests at the urologist.". For somebody who's hiding his porn use, this will usually be enough to shake the truth out of him (unless he's a pathological liar who's willing to go to extraordinary lengths and expense to hide his lies). If he does comply with the tests, he might have an ED problem that needs treatment.

I'd say it's more likely to be hidden porn use though, I'm sorry to say. The main thing is that you find out the truth because your own mental well-being is at stake if this continues indefinitely. It's not acceptable for any partner to be in the dark and feel doubt and confusion over their partner on an ongoing basis. You have the power to make this clearer - don't let him set the agenda or not face the problem. It must be solved for the sake of you both. 

Best wishes, M.
 

aquarius25

Respected Member
I agree with a lot of the advise given I would also add one thing. If he really hasn't viewed porn and is trying to genuinely rewire be sure that your aren't just turning your physical relationship into a trigger. It isn't necessarily good to just act out all of the thing he would view. That isn't real healing and from what I have read in a lot of cases it prolongs the rewiring process. By masturbating him it could be a simulation of his old porn days. He brain respond to that because it is trying to cling to the past any way it can. You need to connect with him. You don't need to be a placeholder for his old porn use. Physical intimacy is a connection the two of you get to share. It should be enjoyable for both of you.
 

mpkl

Active Member
Stop masturbating him and try real sex.Even limp you Will improve as you do that. I would suggest going Hardmode (no O) for 30 days and try having sex (if hr cant have an erection with a condom do unprotected but still safe for pregnancy).
There is not shortcut to that.
Like some said.. Are you sure he doesnt use porn or any subsitutes like instagram fb or sth that contains graphic stimulation?
Eliminate ALL of them and go for sex after 30 days. Send me your result to that im pretty sure this Will make your thing up.

ALL the best
 

mcube

Member
There are so many factors that come into play. Both of you guys should do gym regularly, and eat healthy foods. Try to change things for him, by making him relaxed, being supportive of him is very beneficial. If both of you can take a short holiday abroad, enjoy yourselves, don't worry about the problems, then it creates a different mindset for both of you, and this aids in the recovery process, but a holiday abroad would do wonders.
 

Inkogniko

New Member
someone has to say it.

Maybe he just pretend that he quite porn.

Maybe he don't love you and your relationship is over anyway.

ok , now that these to options are speaken out , their are some rare implications that his ED is just a medical problems that normal doctors won't find , like a problem with the lumbar vertebrae.

Masturbating him is the totaly wrong approach ! he has to move his (hopefully)fucking pelvis!
In Masturbation man hold their pelvis still and the hand is doing the movement , so the hand is the male and the penis the female. If he lies down and let you do the work , where is the difference?!

He must learn to fuck again! Which means to move his pelvis , which includes the belly and the pelvic floor , booth of them I guess are chronically tensioned.
There are people saying that we don't move in sex for feeling , we are feeling to move ;)
Every kind of consciounes movement , like martial arts , yoga , dancing or so on will help.
 
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