The Renewing of my Mind

May 5th, 2016
(Re-lapsed May 4th, 2016)

I Found a hole in my defenses yesterday and went crazy for a few hours.  The hole is now blocked but I wanted to go back and elaborate a little more on my path to where I am now.  Its disheartening for sure to relapse again, I've done it more times than I can recall and I am ashamed.  The last time I did it I felt so bad I stayed away for a week and then deleted my old account and started again with a new name.  I didn't want to do that this time, on the outside chance my struggle can help someone else find freedom.  There is a man on here named William, he's been free now something like 1000 days, I envy that.  I credit William's honesty and openness with me doing better than I have in a long while.  I followed William's advice and went over to the No-Fap site he'd written on prior to RN and read some of his experiences.  If you've never read his post I recommend you do. 

Below are links to William
http://www.nofap.org/forum/showthread.php?3549-Action!-or-not!!!-Have-you-actually-Prepared-for-it
http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=1256.0;topicseen

At 8 I was introduced to porn by a neighborhood friend, just Magazines at first but there were a lot in his fathers collection, perhaps 200 mags and posters.
At 12 I discovered cable TV and adult channels, hacked my cable box and began to PMO.
At 14 I was watching porn every day/night, whenever I got the opportunity and was PMO'ing 3 to 5 times a day.
At 16 I'd progressed to fantasizing and making my own audio recordings to augment my magazine/cable/PMO sessions. 
At 17 a girl I'd fallen in love with was killed in an auto mobile accident and I withdrew deeper into my Fantasy/PMO habit. 
I began therapy after this to deal with the depression and loss but nothing was ever mentioned about porn or masturbation. 
After a few months he declared me normal with above average intelligence and a positive outlook for the future.

At 18 I begin purchasing my own mags and started a collection.  I also made friends with a girl who shared with me her sexual
exploits and I began weaving them into stories I wrote and shared with friends.  I'd stay up every night writing, fantasizing and
masturbating until I was exhausted.

At 20 my addiction had grown from a small fire into a raging inferno, I looked around at my life and what I was doing and was
completely ashamed.  I was so disgusted with my escalation and convicted in my soul over my Porn/Fantasy MO addiction that I set out
to destroy my entire collection.  I burned my mags in the fireplace, erased all my audio fantasy recordings, deleted all my erotic stories
and UN-hacked my cable box.  I begged God for forgiveness and vowed to stay away from any porn. 

Eradicating all that shit from my life really helped me a lot, I felt better and became more outgoing and less shy towards women, but what I didn't realize was that porn & lust are one in the same.  I made a mistake, as young men often do and kept that girl in my life who was sharing her sexual exploits with me, you see I thought I'd fallen in love with her.  In hindsight it was only lust and fixation, but to my young mans mind and libido she was exactly what i thought I wanted, she just needed reforming.  Her stories kept my mind ablaze with fantasy and I continued to masturbate at least a couple of times a day.  She was dating someone else at the time, a guy who was a world class loser, but I guess bad boys are just as appealing to girls the way bad girls can appeal to us.  I told myself I was just biding my time, eventually she'd see what a waste he was and how loyal and true I was, at least I had a job and a drivers license.  It never happened, he got her pregnant finally with all that activity and simultaneously got arrested for drugs, how marvelous.  She moved out of state to live with family and I was left with nothing but memories, fantasy and my masturbation.  I don't remember how or when the mags found their way back into my life but they did and if the occasional feelings of guilt or conviction ever arouse I just told myself I was educating myself for future marriage sex.  Regardless of whatever excuse I tried to sell my conscience, I still couldn't escape the guilt and shame of what I was doing. 

I was raised in a Christian home and I was able for the most part to keep my parents in the dark about my addiction growing up.  I am also a Christian today, albeit sometimes a miserable one and I'm sure I have done damage to my witness.  I believe the scripture is very clear on lust and fornication, so to me porn, masturbating and fantasy about anyone other than my wife is plainly, "SIN".  I know some on here will be offended or disagree with my blunt assessment, but that is how I see it.  However, I will not throw this up to anyone else, I only throw it at myself. 

At 22 I met the beautiful girl who would become my wife and I confided in her my struggle with PMO. 
At 25 we married, but she was in school and I had free time in the evenings and I explored PPV adult movies, my idle hands found something to keep them occupied. 
At 28 we got internet service for the first time and right away I discovered that internet porn was just too easy and accessible to ignore. 
At 29 when she graduated college we worked different shifts, so I'd be home alone most nights, just me and the PC or Pay Per View cable. 

Please understand I do NOT blame her for my inability to control myself when she wasn't home, she always made up for it when she was, but PMO
isn't about sex.  My addiction began to reimerge and became more and more troublesome.  There was the constant guilt, but at night I couldn't get to sleep
most nights unless I snuck off to PMO.

At 33 I was home sick with the flu and read the book, "She said, Yes" by Misty Bernall, the mother of a girl killed at Columbine. 
This book had a profound affect on me, I knew when I finished it that I wanted the kind of relationship her daughter had with God.  My current PMO
kept my relationship to God hindered and virtually dead and I wanted to find a way out.  I installed a filter, but the early ones weren't very good. 
I read books, Like "Every man's Battle" did special online Bible studies like "Setting captives Free", but I still would relapse every so often.  I knew
from past experience that will power alone isn't enough, so I began reading and researching everything available in regards to sexual addictions. 
I looked for a friend I could confide in or someone in the church I could reach out to, but back then it wasn't a well known problem.  I think most people,
at least most women don't believe it is an addiction, the rest just think this it is our natural male behavior.  To me it is our natural, God given desire, intended
for our wives alone, twisted into a perverted, wild, lusty, entangling mess.  This is my journal of my journey out of the pit, that I helped dig and it has led me
here.  I hope I can encourage others and be encouraged as well.

At 45 I found RN and I'm positive with my renewed efforts, dedication and the support of my fellow RN peeps that I too will eventually be able to say I am free.

May  09, 2016  ***I became, "A Man Who Repented of Sexual Sin."***

May  19, 2016  ***Reached 10 Days, NO PMO.***

May  29, 2016  ***Reached 20 Days, NO PMO.***

June 08, 2016  ***Reached 30 Days, NO PMO.***

June 18, 2016  ***Reached 40 Days, NO PMO.***

June 28, 2016  ***Reached 50 Days, NO PMO.***

July  08, 2016  ***Reached 60 Days, NO PMO.***

July  18, 2016  ***Reached 70 Days, NO PMO.***

July  28, 2016  ***Reached 80 Days, NO PMO.***

August 7, 2016  ***REBOOT COMPLETE 90 Days, NO PMO.***



This is my Single & Married Christian Step by Step Guide to breaking the addiction of Porn. 
These are the steps I took, according to scripture on my path to Rebooting.

• Confession - Leviticus 26:40, 1 John 1:9, Psalm 51:1, Proverbs 28:13, Daniel 9:4
  1.  Admitting we have committed the sins of Adultery & Idolatry, through Porn and Masturbation.
  2.  Agreeing with God that we were unfaithful to Him as well as our spouse.
• Repentance - Joel 2:12, Amos 5:4, Matthew 9:13
  1.  This is more than a tearful heartfelt apology, it is to turn away from sin and go in the opposite direction.
  2.  This involves a commitment to living a different way, moving away from sin and towards God.
  3.  This is No longer viewing porn, No longer Fantasizing, No more Pre-Marital Sex, No more Drunken Revelry.
• Plucking Out & Cutting Off - Matthew 5:29-30, Mark 9:43
  1.  This involves is utilizing filters & blockers on your PC's and devices.  K9 Web Protection & Pluckeye Image Blocker
  2.  Using a flip instead of a smart phone.
  3.  Giving Tablets to friends to hold during Reboot.
• Take your thoughts captive - 2 Corinthians 10:5
  1.  A captive is a prisoner and under the control of his captors, so then we must take control of what we think.
  2.  When thoughts and urges present themselves to us, we do NOT engage them directly, we take the offensive and put our minds on other things and let the urge pass.
• Make a Covenant with your eyes - Job 31:1
  1.  This is the practice of averting your eyes: NO Ogling women, NO Nudity or Simulated Sex(TV or Movie), NO Porn or P-subs, a ZERO PORN POLICY.
• Walk in the Spirit - Romans 13:11-14, Galatians 5:16-26
• Meditate on His word - Joshua 1:8, Psalm 119:27
• Pray without ceasing - 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
• Seek the Lord with all your heart - Deuteronomy 4:29
• Read success stories and study, study, study.(Bible, RN and YBOP)
• Learn to HATE porn, PORN KILLS LOVE!
• Setup a counter
• Go read William.

Its important to note, that if you don't have a strong negative opinion of porn, your likely to fall sooner or later. 
You have to decide in your heart and mind that porn and masturbation are disgusting and no longer any part of your life.
There can be no reunions planned for in the future, Porn must be Deleted, De-friended and Despised.

Hey Chip,
Hang in there brother. Your story sounds somewhat similar to mine. You are probably younger than me though. I've been on this and other forums before. Being open about your faith is good. If you stick around you will encounter many rival conceptions of the spiritual life. Since you mentioned yours it must be an important dimension of your life. If it helps you stay centered as you battle with porn then that can be a very powerful thing.

Whatever you do, always be your own best cheerleader. This is not easy when riddled with guilt. If God forgives you, you have to forgive yourself also. Best wishes as you move forward. 

Welcome Chip.

Hey Chip,

How's it going? I know you've been around the boards a bit but your journal is a little anemic brother. Give us an update, good or bad.
Your opening post mentioned about how you looked for a friend to confide in back in the day. Well, you've got new friends here. Don't be a stranger, especially in your own journal 

We all have a path that will work for us as long as we don't give up, which I've done too many times. No more giving up. This is too important for us to remain enslaved by desires and habits that ultimately rob us of our humanity. Anyway, based on your posts, I know you know all that. I hope you're doing well.

Chip said:

8 days and hanging tough.  Today was good, spent time with my wife getting some work done and shopping.  Tonight I've got some insomnia and at times I've felt distant and distracted during the day.  I'm sure its withdrawal stuff.

Click to expand...

Hey Chip, "Hangin' Tough"- I like that. This is tough stuff man, no doubt. Withdrawals are real and can be different for different people. Just get as much quality rest as you can. It'll get better. It's good that the filters are helping you in this early stage. Whatever it takes.Keep a nice picture of your wife right next to your computer.    Porn kills love , brother. The longer you're able to master yourself the better you'll feel. Remember, one of the fruits of the spirit is self control. (Gal 5:22-23)

Chip,
Congrats on your progress. I know you will reach your goal because you are able to see it in your mind. I look forward to reading of your continued success.

May 5th, 2016

Relapsed May 4th, not sure why or what my trigger was.  Usually its boredom or stress, but I don't recall either of those.  I wasn't as diligent as I should have been and I paid the price.  I erased my other posts and reset my counter.  I don't want to be one of those guys who keeps starting over, but this is where I am, again.  From here forward I'm not gonna number my days in my post, maybe just the date.

May 5th, 2016 (a little later that night)

I think I underestimated how much damage I'd done to my brain over the years.  I was reading that the more porn you watch the less likely you are to resist it because of changes in your PFC or Pre-frontal Cortex.  That makes perfect sense and lines up with how I feel before the relapse or when I finally give myself over to it.  I know inevitably that I'm going to face some really heavy depression because of this over the next few days, its Non-negotiable for me, happens every time.  I realized in my retelling my in depth past that my porn indulgence was fed thru multiple channels into my brain, the viewing of pictures, the viewing of videos, the retelling of first hand experiences, engaging my imagination to create literary and audio stories around real life intimate encounters and personal fantasy.  It was more than just a pedestrian viewing of material for me, I was immersed in a steady flowing river of sensual sensory pleasures to the point at times of physical pain, exhaustion and even to the point of inability to emit ejaculation with orgasm.  I'm not sure what all this means for me, at times in the midst of it I feel nothing, no guilt, no reason, just "Do It".  As pathetic as it sounds I only went 1 day further this time than last, wow that's kind of a bummer.  I understand its my brain tricking me to get a dopamine jolt, but somehow knowing that isn't helpful tonight.  I feel empty, disconnected, without remorse or concern and that worries me in the grand scheme of things to come.  I know continuing as I have will surely lead to pain, suffering and sorrow if I don't get rid of this and that I think is what motivates me the most, the dangling sword over my head.  Even though I feel blank, empty and flat I did take measures to make sure I couldn't relapse again the same way I did this time.

After I relapsed I reread some of my friend William's writings and he recommended making a list of sorts.  So I went back to my first post and updated my background and history with porn.  Most of it I had forgotten, like the writing and the recordings I made.  I look around at some other guys journals and I see where most went much wilder, much more extreme with what they were looking at and most ended up with PIED, I never did.  The more I look at my, "Case History" the more I notice some differences in whats the common path of escalation, mine is different.  Instead of pushing the limit of extremes, I pushed for a more fulfilling delivery, a broader scope of the material, a richer experience I suppose you'd say.  I've always been creative, imaginative and outside the box in my thinking.  I don't really have a clear thought to put here, I know I'm rambling, but I guess I'm hoping if I can somehow let it all out, expose it in its entirety, maybe this too will help me finally get free.  Tonight as I write this I feel completely alone, deserted, empty and most likely a lost cause.  Why me? 

I think I'm starting to get the picture of exactly what I've lost or given to porn.  When I was a younger man I dreamed of a career in racing, I'd always been good whether it was motorcycles or go karts or automobiles.  When I was little I'd handicap myself by letting my friend ride my bike and I'd ride his when we'd race.  My bike was more powerful so if i wanted to beat him I'd have to try extra hard.  When i began racing karts it was the same, I was underfunded going up against guys with a huge arsenal of equipment and knowledge, I had 1 kart, 1 engine and 2 sets of tires.  I never could manage to keep my finances in shape to actually get a car together, I'd impulsively spend myself into debt and eventually had to sell off everything I acquired, at a loss.  I know none of this matters to anybody here, I wasn't gonna cure cancer or save the world so what does it matter?  I dunno, but it does matter to me.  I've been involved in racing one way or another for 30 years, that's a lot of work and dedication wasted because I was a dopamine junkie...  I think I'm done rambling, its void of any significance to anybody.  I guess the depression is arriving, my writing has turned dark.  Mine I guess is a tale of miss spent youth and missed opportunities, welcome to the cautionary tale.

Later Dudes.

You and I both fell backwards earlier today.  This ain't got the best of us as long as we keep at it.  Let's get right back up and get on it. OK, man?  Let's do this.

Listen to me, Chip.  Yeah, you're depressed.  That's natural.  I've felt that many times.  How many times have I cried--actually come to tears--after pmoing and realizing once again I'd failed, while looking into the abyss and fearing I'll never escape my porn problem?  More times than I can remember. 

Listen.  You're not alone.  Your life has meaning.  Every life has meaning.  You're human.  We all fail.  That's what this website is all about.  We're all fallible, but that doesn't mean our lives are meaningless and hopeless.
 
Your latest entry really hit me and I'm concerned about you.  Porn will show you the darkness, but you don't want to stay there for long.  It's not a good place. I hope that what you're feeling is, or was, temporary.  How are you doing now?

As for the race, it ain't over.  It's still going on.  And you're still in it.  Those of us in the over 40 section of this website aren't young men anymore, but we're not done, either.  We still have work to do and dreams to pursue, or we wouldn't be here, trying to kick this fucking porn. 

You said you were here for me.  I'm here for you, too.  I hope I didn't cross any lines saying this.  It's from the heart, man.

Branch said:

Listen to me, Chip.  Yeah, you're depressed.  That's natural.  I've felt that many times.  How many times have I cried--actually come to tears--after pmoing and realizing once again I'd failed, while looking into the abyss and fearing I'll never escape my porn problem?  More times than I can remember. 

Listen.  You're not alone.  Your life has meaning.  Every life has meaning.  You're human.  We all fail.  That's what this website is all about.  We're all fallible, but that doesn't mean our lives are meaningless and hopeless.
 
Your latest entry really hit me and I'm concerned about you.  Porn will show you the darkness, but you don't want to stay there for long.  It's not a good place. I hope that what you're feeling is, or was, temporary.  How are you doing now?

As for the race, it ain't over.  It's still going on.  And you're still in it.  Those of us in the over 40 section of this website aren't young men anymore, but we're not done, either.  We still have work to do and dreams to pursue, or we wouldn't be here, trying to kick this fucking porn. 

You said you were here for me.  I'm here for you, too.  I hope I didn't cross any lines saying this.  It's from the heart, man.

Click to expand...

May 6th, 2016

Thanks, Branch Its good to know someone can hear me or at least is listening.  I think I've looked at this problem from every angle, dissected it, pondered it, prayed, cried, begged, ad naseum infinitum till I just get fed up with the whole deal, the resisting, the falling, I just want out of this fight.  I get mad, frustrated, resentful and even at times ready to just give in and hurl myself deeper into the world of sexual sin.  From experience I know all these feelings will pass, I will get back on the horse and take up my arms to fight.  I do wonder why some others have been able to succeed and just walk away seemingly so effortlessly.  I apologize for being bleak and downtrodden, I promise very soon I'll be back to being positive and up beat, but for now part of my payment for doing what I did are these feelings.  I wish in that moment of decision I felt them as strongly as I do right now, I'd never do it again, but in that moment it seems like no big deal, so what...

I've never shared this part of me with anyone other than my wife and just to be clear I don't hate my father, but during these times of reflection and downtrodden I remember things he said to me as a child and young adult.  One was he told me that I never finish things.  The second was I'm too destructive.  My 4th grade teacher told my parents not expect much from me, perhaps I could be the garbage man.(Not that there is anything wrong with being a garbage man, just most people don't aspire to it)  I struggled in school from the beginning, I could make friends real easy but staying focused and paying attention was nearly impossible.  I also suffered three head injuries between kindergarten and 3rd grade that resulted in me losing consciousness every time.  The third time I came to and my vision was screwed up, everything looked blue or red to me.  Told my mom when I got home and spent the weekend throwing up, but never saw the doctor about it.  I made C's, D's and F's on course work and straight A's on behavior, because I was lost in fantasy land or "Day Dreaming" as they would tell my parents.  Almost failed 1st grade and 8th grade, but finally did fail 9th grade.  Made it up in summer school and managed to squeak out a 1.8 or 2.0 by the time I graduated high school.  I was so glad when school was over, man.  I always felt kinda muted in the way I felt, is the only way i can describe it.  Things that would send other kids into orbit only mildly amused me, my mother in-law hates this about me too. 

As a kid I liked to take my toys apart and see how they worked and also to see if I could make them faster.  You see things that go fast and make lots of noise, those things keep my attention, I feel normal, alive and attentive at 100 mph, the rest of the time everything feels kinda slow and dull.  My father misunderstood my disassembly of my toys as me tearing them up, so I think that's why he thought I was destructive, but as a child it was just one more thing I was failing at.  Short term goals and projects I'm ok, but anything longer term I just can't put together.  Not sure why I shared any of that but whatever.  Finally at 19 after failing out of college I was diagnosed as being ADD, but no treatment.  If its mechanical I can usually fix it or make it faster.  If you need a story or something creative, I'm your guy.  But having a plan and sticking to it I just seem to fail over and over again.  I'm good and comfortable shooting from the hip on the fly, but having a plan, not so much...  Can anyone tell me if this kinda thing gets better after porn? 

I once heard a comedian say you could tell how a person would do in life by determining which of 2 board games they were good at, Monopoly or Trivial pursuit.  The Monopoly peeps strive and are successful and good with money.  The Trivia peeps tend to have trivial pursuits and ...  Ouch, I love Trivia.  Any who, I'm hoping getting off Porn/Dopamine will help with some of my issues.  Thanks for the concern but I am ok and I'll be back to normal in a few days, maybe sooner.

Hey Chip,

Sorry for your struggles of late. This is a difficult thing to control that's for sure. I guess I would go back to my idea of really strengthening your "why". "Why" do you want to eliminate this from your life ?  Every one of us has to finally come to a compelling reason to quit. Also, I am firmly of the belief, which Leon concurs, that we have to purposely take away the perceived power that we've given porn. It's the opposite of operating from a position of weakness.

I refer to it as "mastering your psychology" with mental tips and tricks. As an example, I know you use filters. I'm not criticizing you for going that route. However, I think that is operating from a position of weakness driven by the absence of a strong enough "why". I hear every bit of pain and frustration in your comments. Controlling one's thought life takes great effort and commitment but in the end I think it's the only way. If you're a dopamine junkie who craves speed and excitement you're going to have to learn to master your psychology to the extent that you're cravings for excitement are not as strong.

This world inundates our senses constantly and that makes it all too easy to overload the dopamine receptors. Brother, you have to figure out a way to exist in this world with more peace and contentment. In a sense, we all have to become a little bit like monks. Feetfirst (a member) talks about setting your intention for the day. I think a strong enough "why" is at the root of setting and fulfilling that intention........which is to stay clean.

Boo said:

Hey Chip,

Sorry for your struggles of late. This is a difficult thing to control that's for sure. I guess I would go back to my idea of really strengthening your "why". "Why" do you want to eliminate this from your life ?  Every one of us has to finally come to a compelling reason to quit. Also, I am firmly of the belief, which Leon concurs, that we have to purposely take away the perceived power that we've given porn. It's the opposite of operating from a position of weakness.

I refer to it as "mastering your psychology" with mental tips and tricks. As an example, I know you use filters. I'm not criticizing you for going that route. However, I think that is operating from a position of weakness driven by the absence of a strong enough "why". I hear every bit of pain and frustration in your comments. Controlling one's thought life takes great effort and commitment but in the end I think it's the only way. If you're a dopamine junkie who craves speed and excitement you're going to have to learn to master your psychology to the extent that you're cravings for excitement are not as strong.

This world inundates our senses constantly and that makes it all too easy to overload the dopamine receptors. Brother, you have to figure out a way to exist in this world with more peace and contentment. In a sense, we all have to become a little bit like monks. Feetfirst (a member) talks about setting your intention for the day. I think a strong enough "why" is at the root of setting and fulfilling that intention........which is to stay clean.

Click to expand...

I'm left questioning everything...  I've tried it both ways, filtered and non-filtered.  The 18 days I'd done previously I had no filters or blockers at all and for 17 days I felt better than I ever had.  My mind was clear, I felt great and was just cruising when an argument with an old friend sent me over the edge.  I mean I was literally hanging up the phone and typing in a web search for porn.  This landed me in a 4 day binge and feeling so ashamed of myself I didn't come back here for a week and then changed my name and deleted my old account.  I'm not angry with you, we're cool, but I'm left feeling like I'm defective and doomed.  I've explored, psychology, faith, the bible, science and plain old logic, but I end up back here.  I'm sick of failing, I'm sick of falling, my wife deserves better, my God deserves better and the only common denominator is the dude in the mirror.  You know I just don't know what to do anymore, all I do know is it has to do with me.  My dad was right, I never finish anything.

Hey Chip,

I hear your struggle bro. Here's some things to consider:

You felt "better than ever" after 17 days. That should tell you something. That feeling is worth capturing again. You can do 17 more and add 17 on top of that. Remember, a lapse doesn't have to be a relapse (extended period of PMO)

As someone who has faith, you should know that God's forgiveness makes all things "new again". This is a fundamental part of grace and not living in fear and guilt. God wants a contrite heart and I believe you have that.

As far as God, your wife, or whoever else deserving better, I'll say this: YOU deserve better. You need to square your shoulders and lift your head up Bro. DON'T be defined by this thing. The person is rare who possesses no redeeming qualities. I'm sure you possess many. We all do.

You're not defective any more than the rest of us are. All bad habits/addictions are essentially defects of character but good habits are character building. That's the path to take. None of us can let this addiction reside in a vacuum. We have to fill the void with something better. What that is will be different depending on the person.

Look, I am in many ways a narcissistic asshole. Facing what I see in the mirror is sometimes painful for me when I reflect on some of the things I've done. But I've learned to forgive myself and understand that I'm far less perfect than I think I am. If God forgives me, then I forgive me.

Don't live in the shadow of your dad's opinions. Trust me, he had his flaws too. My dad was very critical of me. I could write a lengthy post on his infidelity to my mother, and never being there for me after their divorce when I was 1 yrs. old. No alimony, no child support, nothing. I had a stretch growing up when I saw him 4 times in 10 yrs. (and he only lived 90 min. away) And yet, he was still critical of me.
Well, I've gone on to have a much more successful life than him in every conceivable way.

I was sick of failing at this too as of 33 days ago. Then I made a decision. I burned the mental calories necessary to strengthen my resolve to not be a slave to this unsavory, very long term habit.

I can't increase your feelings of personal power for you. You're going to have to burn those mental calories yourself. But, if you begin the work and shore up your confidence, bit by bit, day by day, you will start to experience what a philosopher called "soaring self worth". You need to cultivate the resolve to not give up on yourself. 

I haven't given up, but I am tired.  I look for motivation, both positive and negative, I've watched vids about people hurt by porn, I've read stories from wives hurt deeply by their husbands PMO.  I think I identify with where Robert Downey, Jr. was in 1999 when he faced a judge yet again on drug charges and he said this,

?It?s like I?ve got a shotgun in my mouth, with my finger on the trigger, and I like the taste of the gun metal.?

I know that is true of me, I like this sewage and that's disturbing, but I still do it.  I've never said this out loud to anyone and I shutter to think it to myself, but in reality I haven't ever really been hurt by porn, not in any kind of sudden life changing moment.  My wife didn't explode or kick me out, I haven't been fired or shamed and I think minus those burns to show me the danger of what I'm doing, I've just slowly boiled like the frog in the pot.  I will say if I look back at my life, especially the last 15 years I can see the damage porn has done to me and my wife in the form of financial distress, but it was slow and over a long period of time, so I didn't notice I was boiling.

I've been reading a book called, "The power to get things done" by Steve Levinson, PHD and I think I've stumbled across a method to help me burn some mental calories as you say.  In order to achieve the mental strength required to resist there needs to be some pain associated with me falling again.  In the book they use this technique to make themselves do things they don't want to do but need to.  One example was a business owner hating doing some reports but without doing them he and his staff wouldn't get paid.  So he gave an envelope to his secretary with 5-$100 bills in it with the instructions to ask him on such an such date if he'd done the reports?  If he hadn't then she was to feed the $100 bills through a paper shredder while he watched...  I'm going to use this method to motivate me to NOT do something, to NOT PMO.  Do you think this is a good way to burn mental calories?  Or am I misunderstanding you?

Absolutely. whatever it takes. You're talking about a play on "negative visualization", which is a tool employed by Stoics (which I fashion myself as). Research that as well as stoicism in general. Stoicism can really help with this addiction but it takes learning and putting into practice what you learn. Just the "thought" of shredding the money is troubling enough to alter events. I totally get it. You'll figure out a way to make that work for you.

Do what you have to Bro. This path is not very linear for most of us. As you say, you haven't really been hurt badly by porn. That's me. But yet we're still troubled by it. I can only speak for myself and my reasons have already been stated in other posts. I'm done with this s**t.

May, 11 2016 

My Final Solution:

I wasn't going to update anymore until Monday, but I thought this was important to share.  On May 9, 2016, I entrusted my most valuable possession to someone I trust and given them instructions to ask me daily if I have given in to look at porn or PMO.  The item is irreplaceable, one of a kind and is indispensable for the business I plan to start next year, without it I'll be crippled for sure.  It is a collection of my own designs and data I've spent the last 30+years compiling, but I refuse to move forward with porn anywhere in my life.  I don't want to give porn another single minute of my life.  Desperate times I suppose, but I thought it was time I had some skin in the game to provide for me with the leverage I needed.  If I fail even once more, they have instructions to...

Destroy the item as I watch. 

Its currently sealed in an envelope hanging on the outside of my office door so I see it and are reminded of it daily as I enter my office to work.  I'm excited and kinda freaked at the same time, but I need something to make me draw the line.  I've got a couple of counters going to remind me as I approach the DeltaFosB area, between 6 - 8 weeks. 

After that I'm aiming for 90 days, I want 90 and below is my complete plan of attack, I'm taking the fight to porn! 

• First Admitted I was addicted to porn and PMO, and that I needed help.(RN)
• Installed Filters and Blockers on all devices(K9 & Pluckeye)
• A Zero Porn Policy(No Porn, No stories, No P-subs, No Suggestive Music, No Nudity at all, Nothing...)
• No Self Stimulation(No Edging, No Masturbation)
• Research and Education on Porn Addiction(YBOP & RN)
• Interact with other Rebooters daily(RN)
• Replace my old PMO habit with a new healthy habits(ie, Reading & Exercise)
• Turned off my cable TV and stopped drinking any alcohol.
• Adopt and Construct a negative view of Porn and Masturbation.
• Practice taking thoughts & Urges captive.  Practice putting your mind on other things when tempted, instead of trying not to think of them.
• Setup a counter
• Wagered something valuable against me looking at porn even once.
• Read success stories and study, study, study.
• Go See William Often.

After having some conversations with some friends I made on here about a condition I have called ADD or ADHD-pi I've been doing some research.  When I joined RN and began this quest to get free of porn I had no idea that my ADD and PMO and other activities I enjoy are all inter-related.  When I was growing up and giving thought to what I might do with my life the things that interested me where professions like; stuntman or fighter pilot or race car driver or ambulance driver.  I also love motocross and firearms, if its loud or moves fast I'm into it.  You see, for me I always felt kinda muted or like things were moving kinda slow, but let me get moving at a 100mph and suddenly I feel awake, invigorated, plugged in and I become totally focused.  It turns out ADD/ADHD peeps have lower natural dopamine levels and often self medicate in different ways.  Some turn to crime, some turn to illicit drugs and some seek dare devil activities to try and get that plugged in and awake feeling, to feel alive, to actually feel stimulated and most are very creative outside the box thinkers. 

I was finally officially diagnosed at 19 after I failed out of college(1989), prior to that I was always labeled a "Day Dreamer" by my teachers.  I almost failed 1st grade and 6th grade, and finally did fail 9th grade.  My 4th grade teacher told my parents not to expect much from me, that I had a learning disability of some sort and that I'd most likely end up the garbage man.  My parents made an effort to help me do better, tutors and so forth.  They once took me to a, "Sylvan Learning Center" to be evaluated but because I appeared to be looking at the man while he talked to my parents and because I wasn't running around, he declared I had no issue... 

After I was put on academic probation from college I enrolled at a tech school and entered the machine tool technology program and went from flunked out to being on the, "Deans list".  My Dad, who is an electrical engineer, could not understand why I could do so bad in one school(the one he chose for me) and then kill it at another.  Usually if I can get my hands on something I'm good, but theory in books and abstract BS, I'm done.  Half way thru the course we showed up for class and they had fired all the instructors in the program and brought in some schmo that couldn't program the CNC and had never taught.  They pulled us off to the side and told us they wanted to discontinue the program so instead of doing another year they were gonna give us full credit after just one more semester.  What?  Things went from bad to worse with the new guy and I was asked to leave the school for my lack of attentiveness to watching him crash the CNC over and over every night.  Frustrated I went to work and just let thoughts of school go.

So my ADD/ADHD-pi was never treated and since I wasn't in school anyway I gave it no more thought and just did what I was interested in.  Ended up working for several race teams and a racing shock company, I even raced karts myself for about 12 years until my poor spending habits derailed my career.  Its not been till recently that I've learned about the far reaching effects of my special gift(ADD) and the downside of my PMO addiction and their relationship to each other.  I'm not trying to give myself a pass, but learning these new things kinda fits some of the pieces together for me about myself and why at that moment I most feel like PMO'ing that I feel so blank.  It may also explain why I never had PIED, my dopamine was already lower than normal so viewing porn and MO only brought me upto normal levels or so.  Now that I know all this, it actually invigorates me more to quit it and regain my life, restart my career and strive for my goals.

I view my ADD as a gift, I wouldn't want to try medication that it might stall my creativity that I treasure so much.  I do however want to learn more about harnessing my gift and putting it to constructive use again.  Anybody who has an ADD/ADHD gift should check out 2 podcasts that deal with these issues an they explain a lot.  One is, "Distracted" by Dr Hallowell the second one is called, "Faster Than Normal".  Both are on itunes and are free.  I'm in the insomnia phase again so I'm up posting, LOL. 

May 16, 2016

Well I originally said after my last reset that I was only gonna post every week or so, that way I wouldn't be obsessing about it.  Since then I've learned so much and I've implemented a new strategy that I laid out in an earlier post, but in the hopes of helping others I'll break it down here again.  I got the basic idea from a book entitled, "The Power To Get things Done" by Steve Levinson, PHD.

I've been trying to find a way to quit PMO since I was 18(1988), that was when I realized I had an issue and was escalating in my behavior.  Like a lot of boys my first experience was magazines when I was 8, but by 18 I was also writing my on erotica, making erotic fantasy recordings on cassette and renting VHS tapes.  Sometimes my PMO sessions involved all the forms of erotica I had, simultaneously and I would be up late every night indulging.  This level of extreme behavior went on for about 2 years before I made my first attempt to quit and I tried to go cold turkey.  I burned everything I had and made my best attempt to not look at any porn or MO.  Usually after about 3 weeks I'd feel the urge and buy a new magazine and PMO as often as I felt the urge.  Sometimes even at work I'd slip off to the restroom and PMO as somebody else had hidden some mags above the ceiling tiles.  Eventually I'd feel convicted and burn what I had and attempt to abstain.  A few weeks would go by and then the cycle would repeat...

Now for me it was disheartening to keep failing, but I don't think I was fully committed to quitting.  Even though it was troubling my conscience, when the need arouse I could usually rationalize it away or tell myself, "One more time makes no difference".  It always seemed like tomorrow would be the time to finally quit.  I resisted using filters or joining any groups, when I would finally  install a filter, then I'd feel compelled to try and beat it or test it.  Somewhere inside a part of me liked what I was looking at and most of the time I didn't seem to be hurting anyone but me.

Last week I finally realized thru my research and years of experience half heatedly trying to quit, that I needed a way to make getting free more urgent.  In short I needed a way to make NOT quitting really hurt ME for a change.  I looked around and found what possession I have that is most valuable to me and I'm wagering the fear and pain of losing this item for all time will motivate me to stay clean.  I've given my wife instructions to ask me daily if I have PMO'd and if I have even once, she is destroy this item while I watch.  When I first came to the idea I shy'd away from it at first, the price seemed to high.  I reflected on it a few days and realized that, If I'm really serious this time, if I'm really committed, then the item is in no danger.  I can attest to you thus far, I have been hyper vigilant in keeping those old thoughts away and I haven't even considered the tiniest peek.  For me I needed to be backed in a corner, no other way out, to finally muster the fortitude to stand up to the temptation.  At first it sounded crazy to do this but then I remembered a story I'd read about a Spanish conquistador named Cortes.  When Cortes and his men reached the new world, he had them burn the ships.  He did this so his men would be focused and motivated, no second thoughts, no I'll do better next time, the only option was push ahead to the prize or be lost.  I'm tired of being lost; I've wasted years I can never get back, I've spent money that is lost for all time, I've caused pain and suffering to my lovely wife and for what?  For some fleeting pleasure that can not compare to what my wife is more than willing to do almost anytime or in anyway I desire.  The only thing crazy I can see is looking at porn even once more.  As I'm writing this to you I can say without hesitation, EVERYTHING is better, my mood, my performance in bed, my relationship, Es un Perfecto! 

Ask yourself this question, What is the measure of your resolve to quit porn?

William - "Hello Gentlemen. Now we begin."  This Thread is where I really started to grasp things.  Check it out.
http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=1256.0;topicseen

"One more time" does make a difference. It's good you're understanding that now. Although 3 steps forward, 1 step back still gets you there, it makes the journey that much more arduous.

Whatever it takes, do it. Everything truly does get better. Stay committed.