Day 3
Its so good to know I have been 36 hours away from the robotic and automatic groove of sitting at the computer, going to the usual sites, spending 45+minutes looking for "the right video" and masturbating to the changing colors pixels on the screen and then doing damage control (cleaning up and deleting the browsing history). Its frustrating to know that this routine highjacks my life every few hours or at most days. I want to be free of that! I just want to be like other people that just go through a day doing something else when they are alone, like going for a run, reading a book, taking a nap, doing some gardening, playing with their kids or praying. But I feel so impotent to do that, Im such a slave to the urges, they are my worst enemy, I fear them to much; and so as soon I hear them coming down the hall of my thoughts I bow down to quick and too easy. I need to learn to face them, to suffer the pain. That is why Im here, that is why Im reading others journals to get tips here and there, to hear stories of hope that tell me that I can face the fears and overcome them; that I can live a "normal life" without going to my boring and unchanging 45 + minutes routine.
For today I have made it to day 3 and Im going to celebrate that and be happy about it. When I think about it 3 days is not too much, but then again I think that If I keep on living the same way, 7, 14, 30, 90, 365 days will go by and I wont even notice it, I wont have even "lived them", I would have only roboticly and automatically wasted them. So Im not going to be discouraged by 3, Im happy that I have made it to 3 and that they have been 36 hours that I have been more conscious of myself and my thoughts , than the previous 120 days.