There and Back Again, A Hobbit's quest to get hard-ons

Okay, so here we go.

I am 19 years old, male, straight, and have been masturbating to porn since the age of twelve. I got into it because a friend of mine talked about masturbating and how awesome it was, so I had to try it.

Honestly, it seemed harmless.

Well, until my tastes started to change.

I stopped even trying to get off to just any old porno. It had to be asians, or blacks, bondage and ultimately out of my sexual orientation. Which was super confusing. I could never understand why I could get off to gay/bi porn, but I could never find a man attractive in real life. I am thinking that I was just searching for new things to get off after I fucked up my brain. Well, these tastes have to go.

More than that, though, I want my dick to get hard for sex! I find it so weird that you actually can desensitize yourself to sex. When I picture sex in my mind, I get so excited and want it. Actually I want it all the way to the bedroom until, lo and behold, the guy doesn't want to get up. Even after all of the teasing and touching that led to the bathroom, I am still not into it.

At first, I blamed this on my inability to live in the moment and thought I was just so anxious I was not even thinking about sex anymore, but my anxiety. So, I got into meditation pretty hard. ED was like the rabbit hole of self help for me.

Then I found yourbrainonporn.com and my eyes were opened. I stopped for a month twice now, and now here we go again.

I'm going to do it in this time. At least, I think I will. I get so worried that I'm losing my ability to get a boner when I am a few weeks in. It is scary as shit. So, I tested my dick so much both times that at one point I tested, lost willpower, and PMO'd. Horrible. I did the big no-no, too. I masturbated twice in one day and kept doing so for a bit until I decided to stop again.

I don't think I was serious enough at the time, though. Now I am ready, though. This is it. 150 days, and then, hopefully, forever after that.

I will try to make this a little fun, because, come on. Why not? And if I get into a relationship within 150 days, I may have to have sex. I would rather not orgasm this whole time, because I feel deep in my soul that that is the best way to go about it, but if I am three months in and I am not having my ED problem anymore, I am not going to hold back. What a shitty run-on sentence that was. Ugh, gross. Whatever.

I am going to try to avoid social media and the risque parts of the internet. I will definitely have to watch my back on stumbleupon and the like.

I will try to read through some other journals, because I think it sounds like fun. Oh, and when my dick goes seme-perma-limp when I flatline, I will probably need the reassurance that a lot of people go through this shit.

Anyway, day two complete. Here is to 148 more. Cheers.

I am in the exact same boat as you my friend. I am 19 years old currently in my first year of University. And I cannot get it up for the life of me. About a year or so ago is when my tastes started to change. I remember stumbling on to tranny porn by accident but I noticed it got me really excited! I continued to fap to all kinds of trannies even though I would not get with one in real life! But I knew I had a problem when I started watching gay/bi porn. I LOVE women, all kinds of them. The thought of me getting with a man in real life really puts me off but while I am watching porn, it is so different and for some reason it turns me on... A lot. I want to go the rest of my life without porn. My first goal is to hit 90 days free of PMO and then 180 and so on. Good luck to you my friend!

Hey, thanks Lost Boy.

I'm sure you will make it, man. I know I got to the point where I was questioning my sexuality, and got scared. Not that there is anything wrong with being gay, but if I'm not attracted to men, and can't get turned on by women, I'm fucked! Well, actually, I'm not fucked ever in that scenario.

I don't know about everybody else, but I got to that point that I started fearing that I was just one fucked up individual and started dealing out scenarios where I can still be in a relationship with my problem.

"Well, I know with my ex I had a slight problem at the beginning, but got over it at some point. So, even though it might be worse now, maybe if I just get in a relationship and can take *insert supplement or performance enhancer here* for the first few times, I can ease into it. But how will I take it without her noticing?"

God, it sucked.

Anyway, I have been going half-staff all day. I find it ironic that I can get it hard sometimes just tapping my foot, but not when I need it. Infuriating, but funny. You know, I read a few posts now about people fearing wet dreams and them thinking it is like their brain fighting back against the lack of porn, but I can't break the feeling that that isn't necessarily it.

My own experiences agree with that, though. When I was at basic training, I had a wet dream or two near the end, there. And that was about 45 days without porn when it happened, I think. I'm going to think on it and read up a little and maybe I will form a stronger opinion, but for now, nah.

So, periodically throughout the day I end up inevitably checking out women in my proximity. It is like, if they stood there, I would watch all day. But even if I watched all day, I wouldn't feel a stirring in my trousers, for sure! Ahh! I feel compelled to look at all of these women, but it is torture when I don't get aroused. I get down in the dumps about it.

Anyway, another day and another few urges masturbate, but no hiccups.

Oh, wait! Actually, I opened up my phone's internet browser and the last tab I had looked at was hardcore porn! I saw it and flipped a tit! I looked away and fumbled to close the tab. All of which was unnecessary. I mean, I wasn't going to break down. I just don't want to clean my mind of everything.

Okay, quick post.

I was doing the math, and I have spent thousands of hours watching porn and fapping! What the hell!? I could have masturbated for a month straight and still would not have as many hours into fapping.

Ugh, well, now I spend my time on forums instead. Problem solved. Haha.

Nah, at least these are productive and fun.

Hey man I totally feel your pain man as I could relate muxh to where you're coming from. I too found porn outside of my orientation extremely arousing me bbeing an idiot continued to explore it thinking nothing would happen. It got out of control and after a few years of using it i had escalated to the point where straight porn did nothing for me. This shocked me and I immediately vowe'd to stop. When I quit I noticed my attraction for women was at an all time low and my attraction to this stuff was extremely high. This eventura ll rewired my brain and is something I struggle with on a daily basis now.  It fucking sucKS it really does knowing this isn't who I am or someone I ever wanted to be but throught shear stupidity I am here. Had I known what I was actually doing if I woukd have stopped 2 years ago or even last year I feel like it wouldnt be so bad. Now I am left to pick up the pieces if my broken self on attemputs to recover and I hate to sound pessimistic but where I stand now I am question in if recovery is even possible....

Datkid,

Honestly, thinking there will be no recovery won't help. Ever.
Anyway, I feel like with how distraught you are you will push through this shit. Just like I will. I get the same way you are feeling time to time. I am quite a bit better now that I understand what happened. Actually, with how shitty it is, I have only found girls to be extremely supportive in this.

"Oh, you were addicted to porn? That is definiteldefinitely not what I expected to hear, but whatever."
"Want to just cuddle?"
"Yes, please!"

It is cool how understanding people can be.

Anyway, on the negative side I was edging today and then got on facebook and game over. Relapse.

I need to keep myself from being alone super late at night. I get worked up and screw myself. Literally and figuratively.

Ah, well.

Start again.

I just need to make the first few weeks, and then I will flatline some and it will be easier.

Or I won't flatline and just recover quickly!

Here is to hoping!  ;D
This time for life.

Woah, chaser effect!

It is real, and it is powerful. I just have to keep busy and study. I don't want to study, though, so that isn't helping.

Just wanted to post to reaffirm my need to succeed.

Back in the saddle, it seems.

I am on day 3 and whereas last time I was crazy horny at this point, now I am the exact opposite. It is kind of nice, to be honest. I felt like total shit yesterday. I started talking with a bunch of girls that are friends of mine and tried to flirt pretty hard without success. It is almost laughable how down I got. I was pissed off like a little baby.

What really got me was when a girl I was really hitting it off with decided she was going to get back with her ex. Who, as you can all imagine, broke her heart and left her by the wayside when he started college. He will be back for break and they are going to see each other again. Oh, and then he is going to go back to college. I bet that won't cause issues in the end...

Okay, I'm a little bitter and I and also a total tool sometimes when it comes to women.

I said fuck it, though. If she wants to date him I'm not going to keep texting and snapping her all day to entertain her. I mean, I will still be her friend if she needs one, or whatever, but damn, I am not going to just sit around while she finds out for herself what a fuck she is dating.

Luckily, I struck out with a bunch of women to reinforce that mindset. Haha

Honestly, I'm not that heartbroken and this did not lead me to want to PMO or anything. So, I guess it is whatever. I just thought that maybe venting about it might help.

Anywho, I am on track still and these first three days were not too difficult, but we will see how it goes from here. I think I might do weekly or biweekly posts from now on. I really do not want to spend too much time on the internet. I really just want to check my counter and check on the journals I follow to make sure the rest of the homeboys are keeping themselves on track.

Just checking in to post progress.

I don't know how early a flatline can start, but I have very little libido and it is only day 8. Oddly enough, though, I have been having almost exclusively sexual dreams. Actually, my dreams involve me watching porn, which is a little fucked up.

Honestly, I think that is really weird.

Well, my urge to PMO has been low. I guess maybe the flatline is a gift of a sort.

I MO'd twice today.

Of course, now I feel like crap. I'm not going to act like it is the end of the world.

But damn, this sucks. I feel like my actions don't align with my character. I need to hold my values above my gratification.

Anyway, here we go again.

Hey man ! Rcl here to say that I know exactly how u feel and what u r going through! Its been months since I started this reboot and slowly, u make little gains but it takes a damn while, but gotta be patient. Yeah its a bitch to not get it hard when u need it, trust me man withdrawal symptoms hit me hard man. Depression to the max. But after a while, things get better man ! I know it sucks right now, but just know we all support each other here!

Dominic said:

(...)
Honestly, it seemed harmless.

Well, until my tastes started to change.

I stopped even trying to get off to just any old porno. It had to be asians, or blacks, bondage and ultimately out of my sexual orientation. Which was super confusing. I could never understand why I could get off to gay/bi porn, but I could never find a man attractive in real life. I am thinking that I was just searching for new things to get off after I fucked up my brain. Well, these tastes have to go.

Click to expand...

The same thing happened to me. I'm 100% sure that I'm not gay. Even though I have nothing about gay men, it was quite disturbing for me to know that I masturbated to gay porn but I would never have gay sex.

So I hit a flatline. I starstarted dating a pretty cool girl and now I can't perform, like, at all.

This is zapping my self-confidence. I feel like my lack of libido is bleeding through my pores into my outward appearance. I keep having to rwmind myself to stand up straight and shit, and I hAve had awesome posture for a year or so.

Luckily the girl seems okay with my lack of libido for now. I just fear it will get in the way down the road. This on feels deep.

Like, last week I felt on top of the world. Now I feel like complete shit. I have to force myself to not think about depressing shit all of the time.

"What will she think?"
"What if it doesn't go away this time?"
"Where is my zest for life?"
"I'm such a failure. If I hadn't relapsed so many times I would be over this."

Ugh, it is so annoying.

I need to get over this.

I can't fail this time. Mainly because I can't get a hard on, but still. I can't fail. Haha

Just a quick post.

This girl I'm dating is pretty cool, and our relationship inevitably led to the bedroom where I could not perform.

I was super anxious about it and self-conscious (this hasn't happened in a while, but I am in my deepest flatline ever), but I didn't need to be. Both of us are looking for more than sex in our relationship. We want something that means something. A relationship where you get to share experiences and desire each other's company just to have the other person there. We may not be the ones for each other in the end, but I learned a valuable lesson here, whilst my penis wasn't controlling my brain - there is so much more to relationships (and life!) than sex. I have been chasing the wrong thing for a long time.

She said to me,

"Honestly, I don't care [that you can't get it up] and you need to stop being weird about it. I'm not judging you. This is a no judgement zone, right now."

It was magical.

I want everyone who reads this to know that there are good women out there that are sexual, but not controlled by their sexuality. We can make it through this.
7 Days and counting.

With real sex the "rush" of intimacy is what makes encounters exciting.  In porn there is no intimacy so they have to create a different type of "rush" and they accomplish this through shock.  This can be in the form of watching violence or gay/trans sex.  This is why you need more extremes to feel that rush.  It is all artificially induced to mimic intimacy.

Now you know

Day 21.

I almost masturbated once, but that is it. I went through a long flatline (which helped a lot, honestly) and may have more later. Right now, though, I am feeling amazing. I don't know if any of you have read or seen Harry Potter, but you know the potion in the 6th movie/book? The Felix Felicis? It is a potion that makes you extremely lucky and know what to do. I feel like I am on a low-grade version of that. My resting emotional state is way higher, and I can FOCUS so much better.

I am never masturbating again. There isn't much in this world I would take to give up this clarity.

Anyway, my most recent relationship did not work out, and mainly because I was super depressed and needy a few weeks back during my flatline. It lasted the whole time and very abruptly started to get better.

Sleep, exercise, meditation, and healthy foods have all influenced my change, I believe. I did not do anything separately, so I don't know which factors attributed the most to my recent mood increase. I just know I am going to try my damnedest to keep it up! I believe everything is having a profound effect on me.

Any, off to study and then sleep.

Cheers, and keep up the good work, boys.

P.S. Thanks Bibbity for the little fact. I love contemplating the influence that such a change in perspective can cause. I already feel my attitude towards sex changing. It is a magical thing. Also, I am reading this book The Magicians that has an example of a great relationship with healthy sex in it. It honestly makes me stoked to be on the path of recovery. I almost feel like recovering addicts have an understanding of happiness slightly different than most. I'm not saying it is necessarily better or worse, but different.

So, today I saw a girl stretch out and got all hot and bothered.

Hahaha, I feel like it is silly to make a big deal out of something like this, but it is cool! This is one of those things that if I said it to someone not on a forum like this they might say, "I remember my first boner..."

Man, shit gets funnier everyday.Honestly, my sense of humor has always been pretty good (I thank my dad for this!) but it just keeps getting better. I don't find myself having attention jealousy as much, anymore. This may just be a personal growth, though. If it is related to NoFap, then there is another bonus, but there is no way to know.

Anyway, I did masturbate last night, but purely to feeling. Whatever. I don't think it affected me too much. I am not resetting my counter. Fuck that. I haven't even thought about porn in a long time.

Hey man, how are you doing?  Just read your posts, you seem to be on the right track !!


Even if we do relapse we can't lose hope, this a process not a goal.  Getting hard-ons is not something that will happen from a point onwards, it's learning to relate to women at a different level. Luckily, as you say, there are a lot of good women that are sexual but not overpowered by their sexuality.

As for me, I've been relapsing lately, but even still I am happy because I am seeing lots of progress / change on what gets me off.  Some weeks ago I was back to straight porn, I think I got so exited I couldn't control myself, haha. And the last time I masturbated is was to a sexual fantasy with a real girl I know,  I was especially aroused when I thought of how accepting and into me she was.

So this is new, haven't reached my goal yet, but I think that if we focus on the steps we've taken and on the positive changes we see, it gets easier.  Take care !


OTM