In order to get up, we must first fall.

Hi, everyone.
I am 23 years old.
I started to watch porn at 12 and masturbating at about 13 or 14....
initially it was only to blow off steem and back then jerking of was a fashion (crazy fucking friends), and then my parents got separated so i spent a lot of time alone, and to cool off another and another and another, until i got to the point of doing it 5 times a day, stoping for 2 weeks or so...feel good and then back to the cycle of destruction.

Plus we changed countries, went to a underdeveloped nation (my birth country but still, underdevelopment is underdevelopment ), and to cope with the struggle of making new friends,adopting a new culture and face a new reality,no light some times for days at a time, no channeled water(once it went for 6 whole months), the heat,no adequate transportation system, heavy and blatant corruption,complete disregard of the rule of law by officials, and so on,so i didnt even had the time to make friends anyway.

It took me a whole year.

Three years ago, i started to notice problems, when i only started to get erections only after watching porn, and i was unable of wacking off without porn.
Had some terrible experiences in bed with women , and i gave up women at all, because i could not simply get it hard.....

I became lonely, depressed, socially inadequate and awkward,i use to think of suicide every single day after waking up, i had trouble sleeping,i started to drink a lot and watching more porn( by this time, if i didnt stop for a while, sometimes, i could not even get it hard watching it),i dropped out of college, i cant find work because i am under qualified,i cant focus and tend to procrastinate,i am currently under a psychologist, i started to go out less,because to make mathers worst, women find me gorgeous and i dont go after them ,they come after me, i ve been approached by mothers and grandmothers(the hot kind, not the rugged),plus my father is socioeconomically well placed in this society, so i have a higher standard of living than more than half of this country.....

When i go out i am always quiet, but even like so, they come, and all i can do is:
Get drunk and pass out, while promising her we are going to spend the night together.
Pretend to be drunk, and pretend to pass out, while promising her we are going to spend the night together.
Take the phone number and never calling.
Not picking up my phone, and sound like a rude person when im not.
If theres no alcohol, i fake emergencies and so on...

Im afraid to lose my friends and family over this problem,it will be 3 weeks in tuesday, since i started  the honorable NoFap road, i mean no PMO's , MO's , nor O's in hard mode....
But i only was aware of the NoFap road about a week ago, so im counting on estimate, but im pretty sure of my figure.

But i also aquired a marijuana habit about a year ago, it seems to give me a powerful erection, sometimes.
And even after a few days my libido levels are up, and i can actually interact with women in a more provocative way, but always avoiding sex, because untill i reach 90 days i am on hard mode NoFap.

Ive diminished drinking habits(only on weekends, and in reduced quantities).
I workout, Muay Thai, and even in the classes there is a girl that is attracted to me..

My 3 questions are :
Should I, or do I have to quit Marijuana?

It has been helping me cope with the effects of the flatline, but i might be dragging myself to another hole...

Can i continue to drink in small amounts, or should I cut it off completely?


What should I say to the Muay Thai girl that wants me,or to any other girl, should i say the truth, or shove her to the side in the name of my recovery ?

Please help....

Thanks for sharing and I wish you luck on your journey. You seem to be on a good start with 20 days under your belt.

In terms of your questions, it's all up to you. Maybe you don't have to completely cut it off, but it might be helpful to lay off the weed a little. Same with drinking. I would suggest maybe limiting the situations where you find yourself drinking & meeting girls with the potential for hookups. A lot of people suggest not having sex during hard mode, particularly in your case where it seems your unable to get an erection when put in a situation to perform. I think dating women without necessarily thinking of sex as the end goal is a good approach and might be something for you to think about. Focus on getting to know her, doing fun activities together, kissing, hugging, touching...

Thanks for the quick reply, i thought it would go ages until i got one.
It was hard to share the story, but i suppose there is some freedom in confessing and admitting a problem, but since i got educated on the issue it has been easier to know that i am not alone.
Still got a long way to go, but despite the effects of the flatline, i am confident in the future and fortunately i am not having any relapse related emotions, i dont even think about P anymore,not even urge, I only fantasize about women i meet...
And in general i feel good about myself, started meditating, calming the mind.
But until i meet my 90 day goal, i suppose i will follow your advice and try to keep away from such situations when i have to perform until i am ready again, and focus on getting to know, kissing, bonding and so on...
As for the intoxicators(weed and alcohol), i will leave it along with the P, because they are only dopamine substitutes for the P..
Anyway many thanks, and keep on the path

Well 33 days gone by...
So far it hasn't been hard to keep away from porn, once i ve learned of the consequences, even masturbating, not a challenge, this fact makes me wonder if I was really addicted to porn or the combination of a lot of alone time and high speed internet fucked me, who knows....

As it was advised to me, I have diminished the consumption of alcohol and marijuana considerably (the last time i drank or smoked was like 2 weeks ago), i wont lie and say i completely left it, something i have to work on...
Probably the hardest part until now has been the flatline has always, but fortunately i workout and try to do meaningful activities to try and distract myself....

And surprise, surprise, the morning wood is back, and even sometimes, i just get aroused randomly, today my boner was so hard, i even had the time to time it, some like 30 min, sorry for the excitement, but when i started i never imagined that the cure for PIED was so easy as stop watching others doing it, if porn is so nefarious and if the effects of this industry have been proved to be harmful it should be banned or at least restrained but that's another subject....

I wont start having sex again, since i compromised to hard mode for 90 days, and I try to honor all of my compromises, but still, i am much more confident, and it is getting easier...

But my recent libido surge did give me urges, I wont lie, what stops me is the knowledge, it truly is power.

I still got a long way to go to my objective, but I feel i am on the good way to achieve it, but no one can do it alone, the Reboot Nation and other sources of knowledge are an integral part of my recovery, for that i thank all who are a part of this NoFap ecosystem, our relationship might be digital but to me it is truly deep....

Peace

Interesting back story Orange.
I too have "coasted" the first 3 weeks but have hit a bit of a wall now.
I have not relapsed, and technically not been tempted, but I now see how others do get tempted.
Been feeling quite low and anxious.
Started exercising but have not done it for a week or so, also trying to get into meditating but not really found the time yet.
Strange since I now have a few extra hours each day that i used to spend on p 
Be strong and thanks for putting your story down, very helpful to guys like me

Hang on there freshstart@40, we are all in this together...

Besides the exercise and mediation and overall time occupation with pleasurable activities...

One thing that has been helping me is stop being so hard with myself, and stop imposing things upon on myself, go out and meet people, women, if u prefer, and try to really meet the person, with no specific objective...

When I used to go out, I always felt the pressure of having to stay with someone, or if I ended up alone that night wasn't worth it...
Sometimes when I made it, either I had to find a place to watch porn and get aroused or as you have read in my description find an excuse and run..

Now I can see, that the people that have most fun, are the ones that dont pressure themselves, and have no particular interest in material or physical terms..

Go out, watch a movie at random, go clubbing, find something u enjoy and do it, it is proven that the best way to overcome any psychological problem is thru connection, real connection..

Dont let the effects of the flatline get to you, the same was told to me.
This is only a stage in your life, you will get thru it and so will I, we will do it together..

Accept yourself and live your life, its difficult and alternative, believe me, I haven't seen a naked female body in 33 days, for someone with no knowledge that is appalling....
I have been kissing, touching and talking, but somehow that doesn't count.

But we know better, remember, nothing that is easy is worth doing, if Nofap is hard it is because it is worth it..

Peace, my brother and I wish u sucess in your jorney

you are doing awesome buddy.
33 days with no PMO.
that's great.
keep moving.

Can somebody tell me if this is normal?

I have been unable to eat for the last three days, a lot of irritability, the numbness of course,a mild depression, headaches, diarrhea, mood swings,etc...

I have felt the effects of the flatline before, but this one came real hard.
I hung out with some friends and some girls yesterday at a pool,but nothing, not even the slightest shadow of arousal, whats strange, since for the last few days it has been different....

I had a car accident like last monday, could that be the stress, worsening the flatline, or in this stage things only get worst until they get better, and how frequent are this stages when you feel good and then u feel bad ?

And how can I avoid or at least diminish the effects, does anybody know, or do I just have to take it ?

It seems like you've been keeping steady since I last posted. That's great!

I like what you said about not being hard on yourself. That's key (really, it's the key to a lot of things in life - we need to forgive ourselves a little more but still hold ourselves accountable).

Anyway, I'm sorry to hear about the accident. I'm sure the stress isn't helping your mind or body. When I did my first reboot last year, I do recall some irritability and anxiety when trying to go to bed. And I remember reading about the possibility of some of the symptoms you listed. That said, you still need to watch that behavior. Since you've stopped spending your time doing certain things, perhaps you need to replace it with other activities. Is exercise an option? Then again, the combination of your symptoms might warrant a visit to the doctor. I hope you get better soon. Stay up!

"When i go out i am always quiet, but even like so, they come, and all i can do is:
Get drunk and pass out, while promising her we are going to spend the night together.
Pretend to be drunk, and pretend to pass out, while promising her we are going to spend the night together.
Take the phone number and never calling.
Not picking up my phone, and sound like a rude person when im not.
If theres no alcohol, i fake emergencies and so on..."

Dude i can relate to that so much! Being top-tier guy in a bar and then realizing all the female attention and someone getting close to me, realizing that PIED + alcohol wont ever let me succeed, i get too drunk or pretend it so nothing would happen. I hope you're doing great with your reboot! I mean realizing all these behaviour and symptoms... woah, how i could ever watch porn again.

Well, i am seeing a psychologist, but i think im just spending money anyway, cause i get more motivation and learn more right here, the symptoms are gone anyway, flatlines are odd...
If u read my description I do muay thay, but since its the holidays, ill have to wait til January

Anyway maikk, this is a hard road, I know a lot of young men that take Viagra and other supplements with no necessity, the withdrawal way is harder but in the long run is better.

One thing i noticed, since i started my reboot, is the realization how society perceives sex and how some people use it to control people...

Besides the whole PMO thing, I stopped watching TV, the news and all of that, and I came to the realization that most of the women that would approach me were only looking for "casual sex", that means sex without attachment, u know...
Society took the love out of sex...
We dont do sex anymore, we fuck, Hollywood, our musicians they all praise the practice of "casual sex", but why are their lives so empty ?

I dont get drunk or run away from such situations anymore maikk, what I do is have meaningful conversations with women, if she is another shallow vessel, she will give up, and its best she does, my objective here is recovery and to become a better person not going back to the "casual sex" culture, because its a mistake and it only takes you back, because if u think about it, people watch a lot of P because of their own insecurities and the fastest way to become insecure is thru a shallow lifestyle and behavior, and as a punishment for something I dont know what, the most shallow people also have an appealing exterior and an empty interior, that's what u have to remember, the interior, someone who is empty inside and insecure will have insecure behaviors, like cheating, breaking up and getting back every two weeks, call all the time like a fucking soap opera, mood swings because u had "casual sex" before knowing the person, and based the relationship on something shallow.

It will be hard sometimes to pass on some, but this is not a path for wannabe "playas", this is an alternative lifestyle even almost a philosophy of life, this path is not for simple minded people, if u recover and go back to a simple minded lifestyle, in a year u will come back with the same or even more problems.

Sex should be intimate and spiritual, not a way to blow off steem.

its not impossible to relate to women without the sex factor.
The pressure to perform, to be the guy who fucks more, or the be a playa, take drugs to enhance performance, are things that dont go thru my mind anymore when I go out, and there is some freedom in that, u can be more authentic.

I commited myself to 90 days hard mode, because  I believe the situation requires it, but if I meet someone I like, and feel that connection before the 90 day mark, I guess I would risk it, even if things dont go as planned, if u are with someone understanding and caring it will be easier, and eventually things will fall in line.

And I plan to keep on this path even after my reboot is done, because it taught me a lot about myself and the world .

I like the Reboot Nation, but I see that a lot of guys just want to recover and go back to the "casual sex" culture, im not saying to become monogamous suddenly or asexual (God knows im not), im not saying that, that is a personal choice....

The premiss of the Reboot Nation is to eliminate or diminish the physical and psychological effects of porn on men and women alike, but to me it is having an even bigger effect, it is teaching me self discipline, simplicity, honesty, becoming a better person in general...
In my opinion if u "depornified" yourself, u shouldnt go back to a pornified lifestyle or hangout with pornified people, and pander to the wishes of a pronified society, that will take u right back, the hardest thing to do is accepting change and living by it....

If u were like me maikk, my only 2 advices to you are :

Embrace the change, surrender control.
Remember that u cant control everything, and mostly dont go in to blame games.

Anyways Salut to everybody, i wright a lot but its part of my recovery, I guess...

Is anyone interest in an accountability partnership ?
If u are read my journal, then send me a personal message if u are interested .....

Couple of days since i posted anything, nothing much changed, but since this journal is part of my recovery here we go.

There are always urges, but in general the flatline is the rule, always going strong and all that, good thing the holidays is gone, i can get back to the gym and school, activity is good for a rebooter, I thought by now i would see some differences in terms of libido and other things, but i suppose given my history it might take more time (even more than the 90 days hard mode).

I have been watching some videos on youtube by a cat named B.E Church (props to him for his work), and he said his total recovery took about 2 years, but more importantly he emphasized that even after he recovered he went thru some episodes of bad performance and he said the important thing is to keep trying and not giving up, if u havent seen him, I highly recommend his videos, he speaks so naturally about the issues and is extremely relatable, shot out to Gabe Deem, cant forget about him, it also took him 2 years by the way, its thanks to him I am on the road to recovery but alternative sources of knowledge are always good. If anyone has the time check B.E. Church and his Youtube channel.

Wow 2 years, i have said before that i am ready for this challenge but if you put this in perspective its a big number, but I have a pretty stoic and logic view of all of this and I know it is necessary but sometimes the solitude is hard to handle, in those moments i come here and feel a little bit better, and writing helps me to keep moving on.

As i am writing right now, i have like a 60-70% hard on, but instead of giving in, I write ( that doesnt mean, every time I have a hard on I write LOL), I advise you to do the same, even if u dont write here, just write, it brings an incredible freedom, and who knows, u might make a book out of it or something...

Anyways, peace to you all, and success in all your endeavors....

Wow, 70 days, never taught i would make it this far....
Havent really been seeing dramatic changes, just trying to keep with the program.
The confidence I felt a few days ago, and a few threads ago, I feel it fading...

Dont feel i am going to relapse, porn for me is dead and buried, but i have relapsed on another dopamine releaser, marijuana,the problem is I dont even feel bad about it because it alleviated some of the anxiety, and thats bad because every dopamine releaser while you are recovering is bad, it slows down the process...

Ill get thru this like I went thru the rest, just writing about it alleviates some of the discomfort I have been experiencing, I probably just need a new routine, once my car gets out of the shop im going back to the gym, but if anyone knows of an efficient routine I would appreciate an advice...

I ve seen plenty of different routines and strategies on other journals, and some of them are pretty good, mainly focusing on cold showers, exercise and meditation what is what i already do....

But even with those tools, sometimes its hard, so I just have t otake my own advice and suck it up...

Anyways cheers, everybody hope the best for all of u

buddy don't go into another addiction.
marijuana is addictive as well.

you are doing awesome on PMO side.
best of luck.

Like u can see from my counter, I PMO'd, all the way...
After all i wrote in this thread i feel like a hypocrite, and that i wasted 76 days of my life...
I will try again, same challenge, same goals, but i think i will try a new strategy...

Last few days despair came over me and I didnt, I couldn resist, i read a lot of stories here trough out the days and I never thought it was like that, but your brain actually rationalizes the action...
Thoughts like :"Why are u doing this to yourself, u will never get better, might as well please yourself the only way u know..."

It was amazing and disturbing, because trough out the other 74 days I never taught like this, but suddenly the day before yesterday a general emptiness and sadness came over me and these thoughts came over me, I should have taken a cold shower or took a walk, but I went along and watched P... No M nor O, only intentionally watched P.
And yesterday I finalized the deed...

I feel really bad about this, because I always said I was sure this wouldnt happen, and I kind of tried to breakdown the reboot process in a spiritual way....
I know I need this, but to be honest I dont think I have the strength anymore ... 

The emptiness is staggering...

Hey man. Thanks for sharing your story so openly. Sounds like there's a root cause for your addiction and that porn is a symptom. Abstinence from porn won't heal it for you, only make it more clear where healing needs to happen. Going more than 70 days is a great feat I wouldnt even dream of currently reaching. See the positives in it. It's a milestone.
The emotinal pain is natural. It's always been there, you just haven't been aware. Be present to what is. Allow yourself to feel through it and it will get easier. This too will pass. This is exactly where you have to be.. Whats happening is that your defenses are being broken down and the pain you've hidden away over all the years is gradually surfacing. Its part of a spiritual transformation. Be courageous my friend.

Interesting thoughts regarding sex. I agree with that. I too idealize sex, and believe the casual surface interaction will fulfill me. But that's just being physically close, and not truly intimate and belonging. Yet simply being physically there, without actual closeness is what I grw up to believe connection was. And I think many mistake that for connection. "If only I got laid, then I would feel connection and belonging". Sadly, thats not how it works.
To belong we must allow ourselves to be vulnerable and show our truth. There is no longer any pretending. Thats when we start to find our selves and our place in the world.
Keep on going. Beautiful healing awaits you.

U have a point there Sunborn, porn is a symptom wish i knew of what...
But I have to keep going, given the option I have no choice...

Jean Paul Sartre very accurately said we are condemned to be free; because once thrown into the world, we are responsible for everything we do.
It is up to us to give life a meaning.

This means we are forced to choose one way or another because of our freedom and being free does not mean u will always make the best choices.

Until we reach a time when most of our life lies behind us, we second-guess ourselves interminably. "What if I had done this? What if I had done that?", the anxiety caused by freedom of choice undergirds our mental state.

Until we clarify our career, our profession or our path in life, the angst of free choice runs like an electrical hum in the background of our mind: the hum of indecision is the price we pay for freedom.

So i am using my freedom to say no to PMO, no to apathy, no to the brain fog, i am just saying no...

It's interesting that you mention Sartre. I used to follow much of his philosophy before, but I've changed perspectives over the recent years. They way I see it now that from an ego perspective, Sartre is very right. The ego experiences freedom as being condemned. It is the ego that is anxious about making the right choices, fear the "what if's" and holds on to the past. But this is just one perspective of the human experience and not necessarily true. As we uncover our true self these surface anxieties grow weaker until they gradually disappear entirely. They are instead replaced with clarity and purpose.

From the perspective of the soul there is a purpose behind our existence, regardless of how we choose to see it on a personal level. We enter this world with lessons to learn, some of them based on karma from earlier lives, some of the new experiences we have decided upon. The way I understand it, ultimately the human experience is one of healing and love. It's about peeling away all the layers that are false until we stand rooted in a place of truth and unconditional love.

I'm sure as you keep on working with yourself you will discover the root cause of your addiction. Also, just a small thought I had. But instead of saying NO to PMO, apathy and brain fog.. what if you said YES to love, beauty, connection, intimacy and all of the good things you aren't allowing yourself. How would it make you feel if you focused on saying yes instead of no? do you notice the difference of perspective?

Hi, guys, havent been posting for a while now, Ive found that not coming back to the blog was useful for me...
I learned to erase the negative of my life in order to embrace the positive, I came back because now I think I have enough control and peace of mind to be here without letting it affect me...
Either way all I wanted to do, whether u accompany my journal or not, I wanted to let everybody know that I am alright, what was said is true, if u leave porn , your life will become better, but its not easy, Ive been 102 days on hard mode, it was the hardest thing Ive done in my entire life, but yet I m still here, so for those of u that are losing motivation , dont, just seek the strength to take it...

Im always in a good mood, I actually have the motivation and concentration to be at school and at work, my social anxiety is gone, depression gone, ability to make and keep friends, its incredible what the combination of motivation, routine and discipline can do for your life..
Combining with meditation and exercise, walking , meeting people without ulterior motives, eating right and healthy etc...

But my main issue is this, even though I feel well, I think my libido levels are still not normal, because I know feel very attracted to women, but since I ve been on an almost 180 days streak of no sex,( my first try was 78 days, after that I PMO'd for about three weeks once every two days), I feel that I am too comfortable with this situation, I had a girlfriend a while ago, but I left her because of the flatline, and now that I have fulfilled the 90 days challenge, I notice differences physiological and mental, but they are mostly on social and professional skills, the original objective, is still far...
I ask myself if I shouldnt move and live a strictly spiritual life not having to worry about the material, because I cannot see how I am going to live on a patriarchal society, if I dont fulfill my role as a male...
At the moment because of my youth ignorance, I cannot fulfill my evolutive part in society, and I dont know when I will be able or even if I will be able, so I feel good right now, and maybe that is what is important, feeling good about yourself no matter what are your circumstances and try the best u can to improve them, I gave almost all of  myself to this struggle, I think my strengths are running out...
So I would like an honest opinion, I aint trying to come back, hell no to PMO, but I am trying to make a life choice that will better suit with my new self, my new found freedom....
If theres another more social solution I am open to suggestions...
Hope to hear from yall soon...