What would you do?

RecoveryJunkie said:

Hey SoBe,

I've been in this very predicament for years now. I've never been married. ED has been an issue for me for a long time for me on and off. Mostly off. I definately have a degree of PIED although I rarely get 100% when watching. Maybe it's because I didn't get into crazy content much I don't know... But the other part that hampers my ability with a real woman is the PA. I'm always stressing about if it will work this time or not. Especially with a new woman. I fear the embarassement and the let down of my partner, of feeling like less than a man. I've known I have a problem for some time now and have dated many woman through this time and ED was not a favourite topic of conversation. Usually I don't mention it till it doesn't happen. Until recently when I found out 3 months ago about PIED. I am a diabetic but was recently cascular tested and they said blood flow is normal. So not to get too melodramatic on you but after my fianc?e left me about a year and a half ago. This was definately porn related and lack of intimacy and lack of interest in sex with her related. She was georgo us by the way.

So rewind about 3.5 months ago and I know this woman who is single who is really sexy and Funny and I like her so I ask her out but this time I just found out about PIeD and I decide to tell her. Of course this is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life but I do it anyways. And to my surprise after the initial shock she decides she wants to continue dating me and be supportive. Things went really good for awhile, while rewiring we did a lot of forwplay and oral and I always got her there. She loved that about me. Then we started getting feelings as this was honest from the start and I think I probably opened up a bit too much about my issue and one night after sex she woke in the night and found me JO in my sleep. I don't even recall doing it. I am trying for strict no M and no P. I have had sex a few times and a few BJs to O. But she was really freaked out all of a sudden and started pulling away wich I tried to control to no avail.

Anyways, it was a bit awkward but I am going through it. Yes it's painfull and I feel rejected but I brought it on myself in a way with the Porn Addiction. Do I regret going though it. Absolutely not! Does it suck sometes, yes. Am I gonna continue to feel sorry for myself, no. Live live, date rewire recover. If it's not meant to be, don't fight it. Just feel the feelings whatever they are they won't kill you and get back out there and try to find love again always start with honesty. Sooner or later it will be great and you will have recovered!

Sorry for the long winded response, I hope when you read this you find it positive and helpful. If not just move on to something that does.

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RuntoSpirit said:

Hi SOBE,

In some ways you will answer your own question by what you find yourself drawn to.  For myself I would be prone to go it alone for a bit, to let some of the issues of the divorce settle in my heart as well as get through the flatline.  Sooner or later you will find yourself drawn to someone that you want to get to know better.  Then you will seek to be with her no matter where you are in your progress towards getting rid of PIED.  I am new to reboot nation (about 25 days) but I believe the infomration given about our brains rewiring once we stop PMO.
It makes no difference how far a person fell into abuse of PMO, the fact is that recovery is the same for us all-- stopping the visual stimulation of porn/ avoiding other triggers to sexual stimulation/ stopping touching ourselves.  There are cahllenging withdrawl symptioms, but we should not be surprised when they come.  Refocusing and riding through the withdrawl symptoms decreases the heural pathways that have been wired to fire from watching porn. 
AS you get skilled in navigating your journey it is possible that you will find a woman who will be able to support you in your journey.  If you are able to be open with her about this it, you and she may find that you are able and desiring to cooperated on a full, continuing relationship.
Hope this helps,
All the best to you as you walk each day.

Thanks RuntoSpirit. I just worry my problem is not PIED. Not sure what else it would be. But I've dealt with it since being a teen and I'm 43. I've used injections to obtain erections and they lasted too long but I was way too embarrassed to go to the ER to have it reversed. However, I didn't have excruciating pain or discoloration so I don't really think it caused damage. So I just can't figure out what else it would be. I am sticking with the reboot though as I figure I have nothing to lose. Thanks for the support and best of luck to you. I think this forum should start actual meet up groups so us guys can actually meet and hang out in real life. I'm tired of hiding behind PIED and now tired of losing out on real world relationships. It would be nice to have some real friends out of this group, not just internet pals.

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Leon said:

Hello, all.

?Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.?

~ Viktor E. Frankl.

I am a man in control of himself. 

My Journey:

While this journey toward freedom started for me back on July 17th, 2003, when it was divulged (to my wife of now 20 years) that I had been periodically visiting porno bookstores, my fight goes further back when as a Christian I entered a sexual addiction of sorts back in the summer of 1993. Being a part of a cult-like and spiritually abusive church didn't help matters any, as the hyper moralization of sexuality, mixed with my loveless upbringing, and finding pornography on the play ground as a 4th or 5th grader, all mixed together to bring me into a place of addiction. Also, as a teenager, there was a major traumatic event that played a formative role also.

I've been struggling with what has been [mostly] an addiction to soft core pornography (though with the occasional hardcore), including masturbation and edging, since 1993, with this struggle being revealed since 2003. I've tried accountability, and certain 'Christian recovery' type of groups since, but with minimal change of behavior.

Back Story:

In seeking to understand my obsessive behaviors, it was important for me to unravel my story pretty far back- the neglect suffered as a child, not just from nutritional sustenance, but more importantly emotional nurturing.

This neglect was compounded by an absent father (who left when I was 4), and a verbally abusive mother who would shame me by calling me degrading and insulting names.

By the time I was in the 7th grade, I was ready to commit suicide. I don't think I had the nerve, but was often contemplating it. Due to some Catholic literature I read at the time, I decided to let my story continue, and see what the next chapter had in store.

It seemed interesting to me that, during each traumatic event in my life, there was promiscuous sex, porn or masturbation that was ironically presented to me in some form or other, as if it were my savior.

The most pronounced example of this time was when I was raped by a man as a runaway teenager living on the streets.

There were other events where, for example while feeling low, would find [printed] pornography on the streets. Or, once when I was caught trying to 'dine-and-dash' from a local restaurant as a 14 year old, a prostitute lady offered to take me to her home. I remember being mystified at different women going in and out of a room. In went a blonde, out came a brunette later on- I didn't know what was going on in that smokey and dimly lit environment.

Once I became a Christian back in 1985, my life did change. I had lust and masturbation issues, but received a limited time of victory from these in 1990-91. This was the best time of freedom in my younger life.

Then I met my wife-to-be. We dated, she was a virgin still when we married 3 years later, but during our dating there was much heavy petting- which caused a big deal of shame in me at the time, as I was a member of a very legalistic church.

During our dating, in the early days, there was a lot of rejection and acceptance from her that kind of caused a constant replaying of rejection and abandonment issues. I was emotionally very needy.

One night I decided to tell her of what happened to me when I was a teenager, and she rejected me at that time for having been the victim of a crime that I had no culpability in. This sparked what has been a 20 plus year addiction that carried over into our marriage.

We've long since worked these things out between us, and she knows the dynamics of it all.

Before Reboot Nation:

Prior to 1995 (between 1993 and 1995) Had an obsession with prostitutes and red light districts, interacting, yet not toward actual sex.

Prior to 7/17/01 (between 1993-2001) I was acting out in various ways up to 3 times a week, and visited porno bookstores about 6 times.

Between 2001 and 2013, had varying degrees of success, albeit mediocre, leaving the actual addiction still intact. 

A year (more or less) prior to joining Reboot Nation, I was acting out on average about once a week, having had a former personal best of 52 days, which I couldn't at that time get back to. There was also many moments of white-knuckling and edging.

God's Grace:

Even after my understanding these things in their psychological context as far back as 2000-03, I still couldn't break free until I began to learn about God's radical grace toward me. Not until I learned how to accept God's unconditional love for me, could I break free from the shame that kept me bound, despite efforts to quit.

What's really helpful to me right now is understanding God's grace, as these sexual issues have been highly moralized under 'law' ("...thou shalt not")- yet instead, this grace says to me, "You are loved and forgiven of all your sins, no matter what!"- all of my sins when Christ died on the cross, were all yet future. This means that as far as God's concerned, I'm utterly and completely forgiven, and not only that- but I'm righteous (in right-standing with God), holy and sanctified (set apart)- regardless of how my behavior is- good or bad. All that is needed is to renew my mind to the truth. 

The above was so important for me to grasp, as toxic shame and a legalistic mentality were what was driving these addictions and obsessions.

My Purpose Here:

I've received a lot of healing in my life so far, and hope to be of encouragement to others on the same journey, whether they're believers or not, we're all human and we all need healing from our brokenness in this area, as these sexual hangups are more symptomatic of deeper issues.

Why 'The End of all Flesh'?

My over all plan began as 120 days without acting out, and from there, to just live life free of it. Yet, as this was not immediately achieved due to a couple of set backs, the 120 Days are now seen as spiritual- as it's not about counting days, but making the days count; it's about progress not perfection.

This number represents the 'end of all flesh' and the beginning of life in the Spirit (see Gen 6:3, 13; Acts 1:15; 2:1-4). This is available to any of us, not after a literal 120 days, but as soon as we believe the gospel. It's simply life in the Spirit, and not in the flesh, as that was crucified away with Christ.

Peace and love to all.

After the 120 Day and the 90 Day Goals:

I've enjoyed the most amount of time from this addiction, without lapsing, with lengthy 'streaks', but see the counting of days now as counter productive (no pun intended). In order for me to track lapses, a new tracking system is developed in the next post below.

Helpful Links:

12 Principles of Recovery

10 Big Ideas About Ending Habits/Addictions- Dr. Amy Johnson

The 5 Components of Resisting Urges to Binge- Kathryn Hansen

Before You Lapse or Relapse!

One Year on Reboot Nation!

My List of High Risk Thought Processes

The Power of Choice

Reasons to Hate PMO

Motivational Statements

List of Helpful Websites

A.W.A.R.E.

Lust? Fantasies? Try the 2-Second Rule

Recovery Timeline.

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