T
TheGreenWizard
Guest
I am TheGreenWizard (or simply call me tgw because it's quicker) and like nearly all of us here, I struggle with porn addiction. I'm not going to sugar coat it for myself. I am nearly 30 and MO has been something I've done since a friend of mine got me curious about trying masturbation back in the 6th grade. While it started off like all normal teenage guys, once porn got into the mix it has spiraled out of control gradually. I would cite the metaphor of the frog in boiling water as an appropriate comparison. PMO was something I've always done at least once a day and on my worst binges I've done it upwards of 10-12 times in a single day. But at the height of my problem which I guess is now, I would say my average was 2-4 times a day.
What caused me to examine my problem as a problem, beyond the lack of motivation, anxiety, depression, etc. was because I noticed I was finding more and more deviant things on the net without seeking them out. I stick to the clear web for obvious reasons and refuse consume "extreme" types of porn because it bothers me and makes me uncomfortable. But when you access sites where other users are free to upload what they want, you start to see bothersome things even if you don't want to. That got me thinking about how addiction progresses in people. While it doesn't happen to everybody, people become desensitized and thus seek out the more extreme to attain the same high. Upon reflecting on my own usage, I could tell I too have become desensitized and it scared me. While the only quantifiable and purposeful evolution of my addiction has been the number of times a day and exploration of LGBTQ oriented porn as well as other stranger but still fairly typical porn categories, I have seen the potential path one can go down with porn. While I doubt I have the capacity for taking that path, why take the risk, especially if I already know porn is a hindrance in maximizing the potential of my life? So this needs to stop and it might as well stop now since it's not doing me any favors.
To expand upon my current state, this is the worst its been in my entire life. A year ago, a relationship of 5 years ended with a woman who I thought was going to be the one. So I suppose I turned to PMO as a crutch to curb my libido since I wasn't having sex anymore (confidence was at an all time low because I'm overweight) and I just felt lonely and undesirable. I was the perfect prey for porn. There were times I found myself late for work because of porn or skipping out on studying for exams because of porn. It progressed unchecked and my depression and anxiety weren't doing me any favors. Before posting this, I've tried to quit time after time in the past few weeks and have only managed to make it a day or 2. Even today I am at a full PMO reset. In fact, what pushed me to even write this right now was losing the fight against my brain's dependence on the dopamine rush just hours prior. I'm sitting in a stew of anxiety and depression typing all of this. But I suppose this is the first true step.
Before posting this, I had a small breakthrough or maybe a breakdown. I tossed all the stuff that made PMO more likely to happen (MO aides mostly) put LeechBlock on my browser, listing every porn site I visit regularly and every site I've been to in the past but no longer frequent and set it to lock all settings, thus preventing me from accessing them beyond deleting the entire extension. I use this extension for general productivity (blocking social media for set times in the day) so my motivation for removing the extension is already low as this tool is already habitually used every day. I also like it because you can create multiple sets of blocked sites. I've made my second block set list to add more porn sites as I think of them or stumble across them and will lock those settings too when the list becomes too long. But that's only a tool. My issue is willpower.
I'm triggered by things like anxiety and boredom. Sometimes depression triggers it too but it depends on the extent and the cause. When I feel these things, it's a habit for me to PMO because that's always been the usual coping mechanism. Then it's a game of willpower, which I'm not good at winning regarding this. Sometimes it's like I'm not even controlling the google search for the pornstar I want to see. I'm watching it happen and know I shouldn't but I'm more like the passenger than the driver. That needs to change. Well, I've written almost a novel and I think I should save some for another entry. Hopefully things will be looking up from here on out. I want to change this about me. I want to be in control of myself and live a better life free of this problem before it consumes and destroys my life and my potential to be something better. Hopefully it isn't too late. I don't think it is. I've got more to say so there is more to come.
Days PMO free: 0
What caused me to examine my problem as a problem, beyond the lack of motivation, anxiety, depression, etc. was because I noticed I was finding more and more deviant things on the net without seeking them out. I stick to the clear web for obvious reasons and refuse consume "extreme" types of porn because it bothers me and makes me uncomfortable. But when you access sites where other users are free to upload what they want, you start to see bothersome things even if you don't want to. That got me thinking about how addiction progresses in people. While it doesn't happen to everybody, people become desensitized and thus seek out the more extreme to attain the same high. Upon reflecting on my own usage, I could tell I too have become desensitized and it scared me. While the only quantifiable and purposeful evolution of my addiction has been the number of times a day and exploration of LGBTQ oriented porn as well as other stranger but still fairly typical porn categories, I have seen the potential path one can go down with porn. While I doubt I have the capacity for taking that path, why take the risk, especially if I already know porn is a hindrance in maximizing the potential of my life? So this needs to stop and it might as well stop now since it's not doing me any favors.
To expand upon my current state, this is the worst its been in my entire life. A year ago, a relationship of 5 years ended with a woman who I thought was going to be the one. So I suppose I turned to PMO as a crutch to curb my libido since I wasn't having sex anymore (confidence was at an all time low because I'm overweight) and I just felt lonely and undesirable. I was the perfect prey for porn. There were times I found myself late for work because of porn or skipping out on studying for exams because of porn. It progressed unchecked and my depression and anxiety weren't doing me any favors. Before posting this, I've tried to quit time after time in the past few weeks and have only managed to make it a day or 2. Even today I am at a full PMO reset. In fact, what pushed me to even write this right now was losing the fight against my brain's dependence on the dopamine rush just hours prior. I'm sitting in a stew of anxiety and depression typing all of this. But I suppose this is the first true step.
Before posting this, I had a small breakthrough or maybe a breakdown. I tossed all the stuff that made PMO more likely to happen (MO aides mostly) put LeechBlock on my browser, listing every porn site I visit regularly and every site I've been to in the past but no longer frequent and set it to lock all settings, thus preventing me from accessing them beyond deleting the entire extension. I use this extension for general productivity (blocking social media for set times in the day) so my motivation for removing the extension is already low as this tool is already habitually used every day. I also like it because you can create multiple sets of blocked sites. I've made my second block set list to add more porn sites as I think of them or stumble across them and will lock those settings too when the list becomes too long. But that's only a tool. My issue is willpower.
I'm triggered by things like anxiety and boredom. Sometimes depression triggers it too but it depends on the extent and the cause. When I feel these things, it's a habit for me to PMO because that's always been the usual coping mechanism. Then it's a game of willpower, which I'm not good at winning regarding this. Sometimes it's like I'm not even controlling the google search for the pornstar I want to see. I'm watching it happen and know I shouldn't but I'm more like the passenger than the driver. That needs to change. Well, I've written almost a novel and I think I should save some for another entry. Hopefully things will be looking up from here on out. I want to change this about me. I want to be in control of myself and live a better life free of this problem before it consumes and destroys my life and my potential to be something better. Hopefully it isn't too late. I don't think it is. I've got more to say so there is more to come.
Days PMO free: 0