I must crush this vice. I need to

T

TheGreenWizard

Guest
I am TheGreenWizard (or simply call me tgw because it's quicker) and like nearly all of us here, I struggle with porn addiction. I'm not going to sugar coat it for myself. I am nearly 30 and MO has been something I've done since a friend of mine got me curious about trying masturbation back in the 6th grade. While it started off like all normal teenage guys, once porn got into the mix it has spiraled out of control gradually. I would cite the metaphor of the frog in boiling water as an appropriate comparison. PMO was something I've always done at least once a day and on my worst binges I've done it upwards of 10-12 times in a single day. But at the height of my problem which I guess is now, I would say my average was 2-4 times a day.

What caused me to examine my problem as a problem, beyond the lack of motivation, anxiety, depression, etc. was because I noticed I was finding more and more deviant things on the net without seeking them out. I stick to the clear web for obvious reasons and refuse consume "extreme" types of porn because it bothers me and makes me uncomfortable. But when you access sites where other users are free to upload what they want, you start to see bothersome things even if you don't want to. That got me thinking about how addiction progresses in people. While it doesn't happen to everybody, people become desensitized and thus seek out the more extreme to attain the same high. Upon reflecting on my own usage, I could tell I too have become desensitized and it scared me. While the only quantifiable and purposeful evolution of my addiction has been the number of times a day and exploration of LGBTQ oriented porn as well as other stranger but still fairly typical porn categories, I have seen the potential path one can go down with porn. While I doubt I have the capacity for taking that path, why take the risk, especially if I already know porn is a hindrance in maximizing the potential of my life? So this needs to stop and it might as well stop now since it's not doing me any favors.

To expand upon my current state, this is the worst its been in my entire life. A year ago, a relationship of 5 years ended with a woman who I thought was going to be the one. So I suppose I turned to PMO as a crutch to curb my libido since I wasn't having sex anymore (confidence was at an all time low because I'm overweight) and I just felt lonely and undesirable. I was the perfect prey for porn. There were times I found myself late for work because of porn or skipping out on studying for exams because of porn. It progressed unchecked and my depression and anxiety weren't doing me any favors. Before posting this, I've tried to quit time after time in the past few weeks and have only managed to make it a day or 2. Even today I am at a full PMO reset. In fact, what pushed me to even write this right now was losing the fight against my brain's dependence on the dopamine rush just hours prior. I'm sitting in a stew of anxiety and depression typing all of this. But I suppose this is the first true step.

Before posting this, I had a small breakthrough or maybe a breakdown. I tossed all the stuff that made PMO more likely to happen (MO aides mostly) put LeechBlock on my browser, listing every porn site I visit regularly and every site I've been to in the past but no longer frequent and set it to lock all settings, thus preventing me from accessing them beyond deleting the entire extension. I use this extension for general productivity (blocking social media for set times in the day) so my motivation for removing the extension is already low as this tool is already habitually used every day. I also like it because you can create multiple sets of blocked sites. I've made my second block set list to add more porn sites as I think of them or stumble across them and will lock those settings too when the list becomes too long. But that's only a tool. My issue is willpower.

I'm triggered by things like anxiety and boredom. Sometimes depression triggers it too but it depends on the extent and the cause. When I feel these things, it's a habit for me to PMO because that's always been the usual coping mechanism. Then it's a game of willpower, which I'm not good at winning regarding this. Sometimes it's like I'm not even controlling the google search for the pornstar I want to see. I'm watching it happen and know I shouldn't but I'm more like the passenger than the driver. That needs to change. Well, I've written almost a novel and I think I should save some for another entry. Hopefully things will be looking up from here on out. I want to change this about me. I want to be in control of myself and live a better life free of this problem before it consumes and destroys my life and my potential to be something better. Hopefully it isn't too late. I don't think it is. I've got more to say so there is more to come.

Days PMO free: 0
 

Fappy

Respected Member
hey tgw! welcome to the nation.
your story seems very similar to a lot of others on here, including mine. its great that you can recognize all the ways in which porn as assulted your life.
but! please rest assured that you have now found the cure!
what you will begin doing from now is rewiring your brain. porn has unbeleivably fucked-up your neuropathways to the point where it actually changed your brains chemical composition. pretty fucked-up, right?
the only way is to avoid PMO. the worst possible thing you can do in your life at this moment, but im sure youre already aware of that.
after a time of doing this you will start to see benefits and undeniable proof that this whole reboot thing is the shit, and it works! trust me.
how about answering these questions so we can offer you some more personalised advice:
whats the longest time you have been without PMO?
what are your triggers to PMO?
how often, roughly, would you spend per fap session?
you mentioned that willpower was your problem?
 
T

TheGreenWizard

Guest
Reformed Fapper said:
hey tgw! welcome to the nation.
your story seems very similar to a lot of others on here, including mine. its great that you can recognize all the ways in which porn as assulted your life.
but! please rest assured that you have now found the cure!
what you will begin doing from now is rewiring your brain. porn has unbeleivably fucked-up your neuropathways to the point where it actually changed your brains chemical composition. pretty fucked-up, right?
the only way is to avoid PMO. the worst possible thing you can do in your life at this moment, but im sure youre already aware of that.
after a time of doing this you will start to see benefits and undeniable proof that this whole reboot thing is the shit, and it works! trust me.
how about answering these questions so we can offer you some more personalised advice:
whats the longest time you have been without PMO?
what are your triggers to PMO?
how often, roughly, would you spend per fap session?
you mentioned that willpower was your problem?

That's why I'm gravitated to this resource. People understand the struggle here and there is such a wealth of knowledge to help me fight this. To answer your questions:
The longest time I've gone without PMO is probably a week or 2. I gotta be honest with myself about that one because I've rationalized PM without O like it counts many times in the past. But that's just a lie to myself. But there was a time where I had low libido for about a week and I didn't do anything. There might possibly have been longer times but I don't remember them. However that's proof enough to be that it is possible.

My PMO triggers are boredom, anxiety, depression, and seeing photos or art that isn't pornographic but lewd/erotic in intent. I'm sure you understand what I am talking about and how it entices the move to porn. There might be more that I don't realize yet and will gain more insight to as I progress in this reboot.

The amount of time per session varies depending on time between other sessions and how intense the urge is. When there is a spread out of time between sessions and I have high libido it can take me 15-20 minutes. But when my PMO habit is at its worst there have been times I've gone for 3 hours, maybe more on one session, regardless of discomfort and lack of interest.

Willpower is a problem for me. I've tried many times to just not PMO and have failed each time. Sometimes I've even simply tried to just not look at porn and have failed that. In the couple weeks leading up to joining this site there have been times where I know I shouldn't be looking at porn but I'm doing it anyway and I've stopped myself. However it didn't prevent me from going back again not 10-20 minutes later. Even times where I've absentmindedly just started looking at porn without the intent or interest in PMO. The issue I think isn't because of the lack of willpower, but the rationalizations to work around willpower. I can see how I just lie to myself that doing things a certain way is okay when it really isn't any better and ultimately leads to PMO anyway.
 
T

TheGreenWizard

Guest
Journal Entry:

I'm still swimming in some of the anxiety that spurred me to join the site. This is the most intense anxiety attack I've had regarding this for a number of reasons. But perhaps I should see that as a motivator to help me get my head right. I'm confronted with how wrong this all is for my life. I can see how addiction can lead people down a dark road. At the very least it can causes serious issues between forming and maintaining healthy relationships between others. And for the less fortunate, it can spiral out of control and lead someone down an even darker path into habits that aren't exactly legal. I doubt I have the capacity for the latter. But my thoughts on that are: How many people that paid the price thought "I'd never let it get bad like that" before it actually did? Sometimes I feel like unimpeded escalation of an addiction often leads someone to a point in life they never thought they'd end up. I never thought porn would cause a problem with my relationships but it did. Isn't that evidence enough?

My last relationship had it's problems, but I think porn helped drive a wedge between she and I. In the beginning, it was okay because it's something we had fun experimenting with together in the bedroom. But later into the relationship, when she became more and more difficult to be with and the sex happened less and less often, I used porn more and more despite how much it bothered us both. There were times where PMO wore me out and I didn't have the energy to perform during sex. Porn became more of the interest than sex with her. I'd sneak it in when she'd go to sleep, when she was taking a shower, or when I'd use the bathroom. She would get emotionally abusive at times and toxic and I would turn to porn to curb how shitty I felt. While she isn't a saint or a victim either with the things she did to me, porn definitely contributed to our issues and I need to take ownership of that. When it ended after 5 years, things got worse as I used PMO to curb those negative post-end-of-relationship emotions. And now I'm here, a time in my life where I never thought I'd end up.

Days PMO free: 1
 

Fappy

Respected Member
Hey, tgw. Ill start by saying; do not leave this site. Let this place and the good people on here be your refuge. A lot of us here speak from bitter experience. reading your story I found so many parallels to my own. Particularly the one about being in an abusive relationship.
This is not an easy thing to admit and confront, so much the more so for men. Men can be victims of abuse just the same as women, but the traditional "be a man" and "man up" perceptions of our modern day have prevented many men from coming forth under the risk of appearing unmanly. Its a sad situation, but unfortunately that's the world we live in.
Did your ex-partner have any personality disorders? borderline personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, histrionic personality disorder, etc... there's a long list; different name, same mask.
I was in an abusive relationship, I should say stuck in, for a number of years with someone who had BPD - Borderline Personality Disorder. I was emotionally, physically and even sexually abused (yes, the last one can happen to men. Not in the way we would associate the term with female victims of sexual abuse, but no less damaging). However I was already so invested in the relationship and she had such a hold over me that despite all of the terrible things inflicted on me I stayed. It was a fatally toxic relationship that destroyed me beyond comprehension, and where did I turn? Well, I couldn't tell my mates as I was sure theyd laugh at me for getting pushed around by a woman, I couldn't tell my family as they would never believe it and I had no one else to tell.
So, I turned to porn.
And honestly, I can barely remember the person I was before it. The things I did, Jesus Fucking Christ, theyd blow your mind. I think back on that and say to myself "who the fuck was I?!" I felt dirty, used, as filthy as a rat's cunt.
Then I found this site and the principles of the reboot and all that other useful shit. It became my religion. I suddenly had an escape out of that stinking rotten prison I trapped myself in!
Sure, I relapsed many times, felt the bitter sting of regret as I sat there, cock in hand, pathetic dribbles of jizz running down the back of my hand while staring red-eyed at a computer screen. But every time I did, it took me back to that darkest of times when I used PMO as a way of escaping my awful reality.
But I stuck to it and ended that relationship and now I can say Ive come out the other side a whole lot fucking better because of it!
Yes I understand fully that you never imagined yourself belonging to a forum like this. No little boy says they want to be a porn addict when they grow up! But I encourage you to feel happy and confident that the choice of getting help in a place like this is the best choice you've made in a long time.
You've canned her abusive arse, shes no longer anything but a fucked-up memory. a new life awaits!
Please post here as often as you feel and ask as many questions as you see fit.
PS - if youd like to know more about personality disorders give me a PM and ill link you to some great videos and online counselling that really helped me.
 
T

TheGreenWizard

Guest
Reformed Fapper said:
Hey, tgw. Ill start by saying; do not leave this site. Let this place and the good people on here be your refuge. A lot of us here speak from bitter experience. reading your story I found so many parallels to my own. Particularly the one about being in an abusive relationship.
This is not an easy thing to admit and confront, so much the more so for men. Men can be victims of abuse just the same as women, but the traditional "be a man" and "man up" perceptions of our modern day have prevented many men from coming forth under the risk of appearing unmanly. Its a sad situation, but unfortunately that's the world we live in.
Did your ex-partner have any personality disorders? borderline personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, histrionic personality disorder, etc... there's a long list; different name, same mask.
I was in an abusive relationship, I should say stuck in, for a number of years with someone who had BPD - Borderline Personality Disorder. I was emotionally, physically and even sexually abused (yes, the last one can happen to men. Not in the way we would associate the term with female victims of sexual abuse, but no less damaging). However I was already so invested in the relationship and she had such a hold over me that despite all of the terrible things inflicted on me I stayed. It was a fatally toxic relationship that destroyed me beyond comprehension, and where did I turn? Well, I couldn't tell my mates as I was sure theyd laugh at me for getting pushed around by a woman, I couldn't tell my family as they would never believe it and I had no one else to tell.
So, I turned to porn.
And honestly, I can barely remember the person I was before it. The things I did, Jesus Fucking Christ, theyd blow your mind. I think back on that and say to myself "who the fuck was I?!" I felt dirty, used, as filthy as a rat's cunt.
Then I found this site and the principles of the reboot and all that other useful shit. It became my religion. I suddenly had an escape out of that stinking rotten prison I trapped myself in!
Sure, I relapsed many times, felt the bitter sting of regret as I sat there, cock in hand, pathetic dribbles of jizz running down the back of my hand while staring red-eyed at a computer screen. But every time I did, it took me back to that darkest of times when I used PMO as a way of escaping my awful reality.
But I stuck to it and ended that relationship and now I can say Ive come out the other side a whole lot fucking better because of it!
Yes I understand fully that you never imagined yourself belonging to a forum like this. No little boy says they want to be a porn addict when they grow up! But I encourage you to feel happy and confident that the choice of getting help in a place like this is the best choice you've made in a long time.
You've canned her abusive arse, shes no longer anything but a fucked-up memory. a new life awaits!
Please post here as often as you feel and ask as many questions as you see fit.
PS - if youd like to know more about personality disorders give me a PM and ill link you to some great videos and online counselling that really helped me.

She was in therapy for other things but I'm very certain she was bipolar and had a narcissistic complex. It all adds up if I consider how she acted and what she did. She'd like to do the emotional end of abuse. I was never abused on the physical end of things but it was always on the emotional aspect of things even regarding the emotions of involved with sex. She'd encourage normal things as normal one minute and then punish me in some way for doing them the next. But she is out of my life. That's one less source to toxicity in my life. I personally feel better about it because I can learn to be myself again. I never used to be like how I am now. When I was younger I looked at porn but it was not really a problem like it is now. It wasn't until that relationship that it really started sinking its roots into my brain. And after it ended it bloomed into a full blown addiction and substitute for healthy sexual behavior. So far, I feel better that I'm making a more active, tangible effort than just saying "no more porn." While the anxiety is still around, I feel confident that it will taper off. I consider myself fortunate that the cause of all of this is something so blatantly obvious. There are addictions in the world that are vastly more complex. While I am not minimizing the seriousness of this issue at all, I can see the problem clear as day. I just need to stick with uprooting it from my life. But we all know that is easier said than done.
 
T

TheGreenWizard

Guest
Journal Entry:

The anxiety is easing itself back. It only comes in small waves here and there now. Either that or I'm acclimating to it because I still have a general feeling of slight discomfort. Feels more like general stress than anything. But that will pass in time.

I want to return to normal, healthy sexual behavior free from porn. Fortunately porn has not gotten to the point where I need to act out porn during sex. I've never had that issue and I don't suspect it will be an issue because as a general practice, I've always been in the moment with partners. Even when porn addiction was rampant only a few months ago and I had a bit of a mutual rebound thing with a girl I know. The thing that is going to be the biggest issue with me, I think, is standard MO. Some people come here as an extension of NoFap, which is fine, but that isn't a focus for me. MO has never really been a problem in and of itself. It's PMO that is the enemy. I don't consider it a problem to MO to a memory of a real sexual encounter you had or MO without any kind of mental focus beyond just doing the act. Likewise, I consider MO to be a normal sexual behavior for individuals to curb libido. Because a lot of the time, if you aren't having sex and don't have an opportunity to do so, libido become a hinderance to focus. Libido is a good thing as it can help you accomplish goals and focus better on your aspirations, but too much of a good thing can be a bad thing.

Until porn got mixed up with MO practices, I would MO maybe about 1-2 times a week. I'd consider that a healthy moderation. It definitely was less than that when I was in sexually active relationships. The problem is, porn addiction blurs the lines between what is healthy and was is not. I can't lose sight of that or mistakenly view MO as bad too so long as there are limits to how often I do it and the way in which I go about it. I would consider MO to a memory of a porn scene, superimposing a porn scene into a fantasy with a real person, superimposing a porn star into a real memory, using made up fantasies with porn stars, and using made up people in memories of porn scenes as pretty much the same as looking at porn itself. Pretty much, if porn or some extension of porn is involved in some way even if you aren't looking at it, I'd consider that a reset as it's really the same motivations you have when looking at porn itself.

For me, porn is the enemy and the only enemy. So I've established some simple rules for myself to focus on healthy habits and keep porn out of the equation. MO can happen if I'm remembering a real experience with a real person, and (this is the most ideal) if it is without fantasy or memory, just the physical act. I did so today and it taught me how porn has corrupted healthy sexuality. I felt guilty, like I failed my no PMO streak, even though porn wasn't even involved. With my conscious goal of eliminating porn from my life, I can see that I've unconsciously linked porn and MO together as if they are one unified act. Given that I don't want to look at porn anymore I felt like I some how broke a promise to myself. I need to uproot that train of thought as it is just a unhealthy as PMO.

I think it would be wise for me to limit myself to at least one week between MO. But this has nothing to do with preventing PMO or even excessive MO. I'm a firm believer that changes in vitality plays a big role in MO. There have been times I've been without PMO for a couple weeks. I felt like I was firing on all cylinders. Before porn became a problem, retained vitality motivated me, kept my energy up, helped me accomplish goals, and made my interactions with others more positive. I also had sex more and MO less. So I understand that there is a correlation with saving up that sexual energy to how well you function on the day to day. I want to get that behavior back and my main habit when I had that was the lack of MO for a week or more. I also think it would be wise to only indulge when libido is a hinderance to focus. It shouldn't be something I have to "look forward to." It should be something utilitarian to refocus the mind. This is all just to show myself understanding towards my baser human needs. While NoFap is not a motivation of mine, I would like to aspire towards it to a degree because I see its benefits.

So I'm going to look into making sublimation more of a practice in my daily life and make an effort to be more social. At the very least, the latter will give me more opportunities to get out of the house and away from the computers.

Days PMO free: 2
 
T

TheGreenWizard

Guest
Journal entry:

I am understanding the presence of the chaser effect and the part it plays in abstaining from porn. Even with standard MO, the want for porn seems to creep back in after healthy sexual habits. Last night and this morning all I really wanted to PMO. But so far I've kept my wits about me and stayed away. I even have been doing my best to avoid my triggers. Seeing lewd or erotic, yet non-pornographic, images is one for me because its a halfway point and often entices you to want to see more. I don't consider these photos a problem beyond the effect it has on me though.

I am proud of myself for how I've been handling it so far. Whenever I see them or catch myself sticking around where they tend to be (instagram, iFunny, other social media) I tell myself that I need to get out of there and promptly close out. But that has opened my eyes to how casual erotica and sex has permeated the media. I don't consider that a bad thing because expressions of sex in media/art has been something mankind has always done. It's just so obvious to me now that I am actively avoiding porn. I see the lighter side of sex in the media everywhere now.

I'm going to get out of the house today and get some fresh air. Maybe see a movie or something. I think it would do myself good to get some fresh air and some sun while the urge tapers off. It'll also get my mind off of it all.

Days PMO free: 3
 
T

TheGreenWizard

Guest
Journal Entry:

It is now getting to the most difficult part of my journey. Usually the first 3 days are a little rough to get through but it's after day 4 that the rationalizing really starts to set in and the want for porn gets really intense. I've noticed that the mind tries to make deals with itself during this time. For instance, I wanted to look at porn but I consciously wouldn't let it happen and I have a number of failsafes that would prevent it from happening right now just in case. So my head shifted to wanting to see trigger images or remembering past images in my head. I even caught myself absentmindedly looking at trigger images. I promptly stopped myself before things escalated, but it's so strange how this addiction has affected my mind's behavior. I had also run across some porn when I wasn't exactly looking for it. My search was for something sex related but more from a learning motivation than to look at porn. I got very triggered by that as well. I'm not going to consider it a reset and do myself that kindness because it wasn't with the expressed motivation to look at porn and I navigated away quickly. But my motivation was by an extension of a rationalization. So it's all the more evidence of how very real my dependence is on this issue.

It's like my mind is willing to try and find any rationalization or work around to look at porn or MO to a memory of porn. I caught myself working it out in my head, how I could bypass my filters and fail safes. I'm just glad that Leechblock has a setting that let me lock in what specific sites I've blocked without (at least a known way to me) being able to unblock it. I haven't sat down and played with the tool to find its weaknesses, and nor do I want to. I want to remain oblivious to the work arounds because it literally blocks all the sites I've frequented and even ones that were on the fringes of my memory that I didn't visit anymore. Last night in my weakest hour it crossed my mind to look at porn but I remembered that I had prevented myself from even being able to access the sites. I remember thinking to myself 'I can't even look at them if I tried. Good. That's what I need.'

As I wrote that, a wave of happiness has come over me. There is a part of my mind that is free of this struggle, that knows it is destructive and it agrees with what I'm doing. I found a part of me that has my back on this and that's honestly an amazing feeling, whether it's just an extension of my own will and motivation or not. I must sound a bit crazy but I'm just happy that my mind wants to get better. I just need to work to make that voice louder than the destructive one.

Days PMO free: 4
 

mousemat1

Well-Known Member
Hi TGW

Well done on hitting 4 days. I know just how difficult this addiction is to break free from. From my own personal experience, the first month was really difficult. However, even after 8 months my brain is always trying to find some justification for looking at porn. It's a constant battle. The positive aspect is that you've made the decision to rid yourself of this bane.

Good luck with your reboot. I look forward to reading your success story!    ;)
 
T

TheGreenWizard

Guest
mousemat1 said:
Hi TGW

Well done on hitting 4 days. I know just how difficult this addiction is to break free from. From my own personal experience, the first month was really difficult. However, even after 8 months my brain is always trying to find some justification for looking at porn. It's a constant battle. The positive aspect is that you've made the decision to rid yourself of this bane.

Good luck with your reboot. I look forward to reading your success story!    ;)

It is very difficult. Today has been specifically trying because I'm trying to limit healthy MO (remembering a real experience or with no mental image at all) too so I can reap the benefits of having that edge. I'm not specifically NoFap as a goal but I understand the good it can do to refrain from that. But I'm hanging in there. I'm on here now as a way to get my mind off the craving for it. It really kinda sucks having to deal with this, but it's for my own good and the good of my future to stay the course.
 

Fappy

Respected Member
Day 4 , great! Bet it wasn't easy either.
It's usually the first week or so that's the toughest. Just keep on the lookout for those damn triggers and when you notice one just remove yourself from it, physically if you have to.
Keep it up!
 
T

TheGreenWizard

Guest
Reformed Fapper said:
Day 4 , great! Bet it wasn't easy either.
It's usually the first week or so that's the toughest. Just keep on the lookout for those damn triggers and when you notice one just remove yourself from it, physically if you have to.
Keep it up!

I find that is the best practice for dealing with them. I accept that I can't 100% avoid them because the internet is the internet. It will pop up from time to time even if I'm not looking for them. But the point isn't shielding my eyes from anything. That's only a temporary solution that doesn't address the underlying issue. The point is to rewire my mind to no longer be affected by them.
 
T

TheGreenWizard

Guest
Journal Entry:

Things are getting tough for me but I'm hanging in there. The withdrawal of that dopamine high has set me into rationalizing things in strange ways. The first of course is the seeking out the triggers. I try my best to avoid them but sometimes when I see a trigger, I get the urge to want more of the trigger. Take instagram for example. I see a scantily clad instagram model, I get triggered, and it leads me to open her profile because I get to thinking that this is harmless because it's not really P. Normally it would be okay for someone without this problem, but given what I know is really behind the motivations, that isn't the case for me. I'm trying my best to keep that under control however. I don't MO and I navigate away whenever I've caught myself. Another rationalization is to look at P but without MO. Like a test of will, to challenge myself. But I know that's a lie I'm telling myself and I have resisted even entertaining that action. I also know I'm way too early in the game to be free of the problem so I assume its just the addiction talking. I find the rationalizations to be the hardest to deal with because it's just too easy.

I've also really wanted to have sex lately. Now I've always had a sex drive that was higher than average, even before P was a problem. I view sex as something very important in a relationship as it not only satisfies our base evolutionary urges as people, but when it is done with a significant other that you love, it is one of the most profoundly mutual and deep expressions of that love. But I question my motivations as to why I want to have sex. Surely the normal reasons are a factor. I think they always will be. But I suspect it is an extension of my craving for the dopamine high that I now lack because I've cut PMO and MO out of my life. This is where I become uncertain about how to progress. I know many people start with the hard 90 as a necessary step in the reboot. But I've always viewed real sex as something natural to do between consenting adults. I mean that's how nature intended it. I don't think I should actively seek it out right now because of my suspicions behind why I want it right now. But I'm trying to be more social and put myself out there again post-end of the long-term relationship. What if it just happens with someone? Do I say no and turn it down or do I let the next logical step in relationship building with a romantic interest happen without over thinking it? These are questions I need to think on. But it is clear to me this doubt is further evidence of the negative affect P has had on my life.

Days PMO free: 5
 

mousemat1

Well-Known Member
If you don't have PIED then I see no problem with having sex with a real living human being. Be warned, however, that it might reawaken the urge to look at porn.
 
T

TheGreenWizard

Guest
mousemat1 said:
If you don't have PIED then I see no problem with having sex with a real living human being. Be warned, however, that it might reawaken the urge to look at porn.

I am fortunate that I do not currently suffer from PIED. I have in the past but I think other reasons might have contributed to the problem at the time along with porn. But I do foresee the risk of the chaser effect coming into play. It's something I would have to consider at the time I suppose. I've decided I'm not really going to over think it and just beware of the risk of reset.
 
T

TheGreenWizard

Guest
Journal Entry:

I've noticed my triggers are starting to be less and less bothersome. Either that or I am noticing specifics. I had originally thought that it was all images of near naked women but that isn't the case actually. For me, there is a differentiation between ones of models just modeling and those with a more erotic connotation. For instance (Possible trigger warning for others ahead) if I see a model just modeling a bikini, there is no reaction. It has to be some sort of sexually suggestive pose or have an actual erotica connotation. I won't go into details for those for obvious reasons and for the benefit of those reading this. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. But I suppose that is some progress in understanding the extent of my issue. That being said, yesterday was a problem avoiding said triggers. I need to get better about that. I haven't broken my streak on no PMO and no MO. I've always navigated away, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't linger a bit longer than I should have. I think it would be best to really limit my time on certain social media apps as that was where I've noticed they are more concentrated at. But they are affecting me less. Either yesterday I just got acclimated to them and bored or the end of the first week is nearing it's close and the withdrawals are chilling out and thus triggers are less powerful. I'm not sure yet.

I also had an excellent moment of self-control yesterday too. I had found myself in a headspace where I wanted P and it was pretty compelling. But I asked myself "Why? What's the benefit?" Sure I'd get to see it but I wouldn't allow MO to it. I'd just be sitting there looking at it. What was the point? Not to mention I was cognizant of the difficultly even getting to it given all the measures I've taken. So I just didn't bother. It didn't sound fun to me once I thought about it like that. I didn't even entertain the weaknesses in my prevention measures that I am aware of beyond the initial urge to seek out P. While I'm going to stay realistic and assume I'm not out of the woods yet, I consider that a small victory. Where I could have given in, will and rational thought won.

I starting back to the gym today. It's been two weeks since I last went. The first week was just laziness. But last week I had gotten the flu and that had me out of commission for a few days. I used the remainder of the week to just make sure it was all passed. It was probably a little longer than I actually needed but better safe than sorry. As a general goal, I am trying to lose a lot of weight and get stronger. I'm in the mid 200s and that's been the heaviest I've been in my entire life. I used to be just shy of 200 and I'm aiming to get back to that. Can't say it hasn't been a pain in the ass but I'm sticking with it. I'm considering taking up with a local CrossFit place and seeing if that yields some more efficient results. Plus I'm aiming for a well-rounded fitness level and CrossFit is specific to that.

Days PMO free: 6
 

Fappy

Respected Member
Sounds great! Some nice progress there.
Its a great sign when you have that urge and ask youself: why? it means your slowly but surely winning. Better yet, ask yourself WHY? three or more times
 
T

TheGreenWizard

Guest
Reformed Fapper said:
Sounds great! Some nice progress there.
Its a great sign when you have that urge and ask youself: why? it means your slowly but surely winning. Better yet, ask yourself WHY? three or more times

It's a practice I think I'm going to keep.
 
T

TheGreenWizard

Guest
Journal Entry:

Today is a low point in my efforts to break this addiction. I had a moment of weakness and looked at P and started to touch myself. But moments later, I stopped myself. No edging or O because it never got to that point. It maybe lasted a few second total. It's clear to me that I'm definitely not out of the woods. I'm going to do myself a kindness however and not consider my PMO streak broken. I did break my streak of not looking at P but that isn't the point. It's not my goal to avoid all P forever because that's just impossible in my opinion because the internet is the internet and it's easy to see it on accident. My goal isn't even to avoid MO. My goal is to uproot habitual artificial stimulation as the replacement for real, natural stimulation. I can't lose sight of that. I gave into the urge today and I'm not going to fall victim to the rationalization that I didn't finish so it was okay. What happened was not okay. But the silver lining is that I maintained control after the small failure, said no, and navigated away before much even happened. I don't even think I felt a dopamine rush. I think that is something to be happy about it.

But I'm still pissed at myself because I was looking forward to saying how proud I was on here that I made it 1 entire week. But now I can't enjoy that victory because of what happened today, regardless of how I handled it. I won't reset the PMO counter I have because I feel like the motivations behind it were still present. My PMO streak is based on my ability to consciously avoid it or when I find myself triggered or in a situation were porn is present regardless of how it came about, I leave and maintain self control on my own accord. But going forward, I am going to make myself the promise that if something like today happens again, I'll reset because if it happens again, then I've failed myself in staying true to my efforts. I'll be kind and understanding to myself today and give me that freebie, but I'm better than this and need to be 100% accountable for my actions in this regard. I can't do that if I keep moving the goal post under the pretense that "I need to be understanding" because there is a limit. One can rationalize infinite understanding as a free ticket to keep the same problems so long as you know it wasn't good and feel bad about it after. That doesn't fix anything. That's not accountability and honestly, that was me before I joined this site.

Days PMO free: 1 week and disappointed
 
Top