Does a fetish ever go away?
- Thread starter Stiffy
- Start date
mousemat1
Well-Known Member
I developed some fetishes due to my porn use. These included HOCD and sissy porn. Since I have stopped using porn I can verify 100% that my craving for sissy porn has completely disappeared. In fact, that disappeared very quickly. My HOCD also disappeared quite quickly, although I've noticed that as my libido is starting to reawaken I had some faint HOCD thoughts last week. I haven't really thought about it since so perhaps it was just a flashback.
I think that if I was curious enough to watch these fetishes, just to see why I was interested in them, they would reignite and become difficult to stop. This is why I have to remain vigilant and avoid all porn.
Some fetishes are probably 'innate' and will never go away. I'm not an expert on this so I could be wrong. The thing to do is to give yourself a good, log period without porn or porn fantasy (actually to quit porn for good) and see what fetishes disappear. Good luck with your reboot!
I think that if I was curious enough to watch these fetishes, just to see why I was interested in them, they would reignite and become difficult to stop. This is why I have to remain vigilant and avoid all porn.
Some fetishes are probably 'innate' and will never go away. I'm not an expert on this so I could be wrong. The thing to do is to give yourself a good, log period without porn or porn fantasy (actually to quit porn for good) and see what fetishes disappear. Good luck with your reboot!
doneatlast
Well-Known Member
There are many reports of fetishes going away after quitting porn, though it doesn't happen 100% of the time. If it was a fetish you had prior to exposure to porn, you'll keep it after porn, albeit in a much more controlled, tempered way. Porn loves bringing out the weird in our tastes, and adding more of its own weird on top of it. Even if your fetish for group sex has a pre-porn origin, it will likely weaken and not be a distraction at all for you. If you're like many of us, then the fetish is where we get weakest with relapses. That is how it was for me for a long time. It does still hold a strange allure for me, but its power has gone from niagara falls to a leaky faucet.
Regarding the origins of your fetish... I've attempted to get threads going with discussions about this because it fascinates me quite a bit. There were some good posts, but not the runaway successful threads I was hoping for. Some fetishes are purely porn based and come from escalation: type a porn bores you, so add some whips, trannies, saran wrap, unicorns, whatever. Eventually the stuff that would arouse a normal person is rather bland, and you need the hard stuff. Some come from early imprinting; I recently heard that sexual experiences in early puberty can leave lasting, permanent marks on one's preferences (particularly problematic for victims of rape, molestation or incest). Others come from a mix of fascination, curiosity and sense of danger/illicitness. The last might be interesting to you... you clearly have strong feelings about how wrong that type of sex is, and maybe that is the connection. Don't be afraid to give it a lot of reflection... maybe you heard about a group sex event as a kid that grossed you out or upset you, and you can't quite get it out of your head. I'm not attempting a diagnosis by any means, just making suggestions. The more you can know about it, the less power it will have over you.
Congrats on 16 days. I'm 9 months now, but prior to that going longer than a week was ridiculously hard. Getting past the two week mark is really darn good.
Regarding the origins of your fetish... I've attempted to get threads going with discussions about this because it fascinates me quite a bit. There were some good posts, but not the runaway successful threads I was hoping for. Some fetishes are purely porn based and come from escalation: type a porn bores you, so add some whips, trannies, saran wrap, unicorns, whatever. Eventually the stuff that would arouse a normal person is rather bland, and you need the hard stuff. Some come from early imprinting; I recently heard that sexual experiences in early puberty can leave lasting, permanent marks on one's preferences (particularly problematic for victims of rape, molestation or incest). Others come from a mix of fascination, curiosity and sense of danger/illicitness. The last might be interesting to you... you clearly have strong feelings about how wrong that type of sex is, and maybe that is the connection. Don't be afraid to give it a lot of reflection... maybe you heard about a group sex event as a kid that grossed you out or upset you, and you can't quite get it out of your head. I'm not attempting a diagnosis by any means, just making suggestions. The more you can know about it, the less power it will have over you.
Congrats on 16 days. I'm 9 months now, but prior to that going longer than a week was ridiculously hard. Getting past the two week mark is really darn good.
F
Finw?
Guest
Yup, absolutely certainly does go away, you just need to stop reinforcing those pathways/behaviors.
Quotes from rebooters:
Quotes from rebooters:
DoneAtLast said:
That makes sense to me. And I agree it is fascinating in a strange way how these things come about. I?ve read about some fetishes that have gotten a hold of people and I feel grateful I haven?t dove deeper into others. It is a silly fetish for me to fixate on and I am glad it seems that there is hope to silence it in the long run.
Unfortunately I have relapsed and will be starting again. What would you say the key to your success has been these 9 months that you?ve managed to abstain?
doneatlast
Well-Known Member
Key to my success... well, years of failure preceding it, and trying and trying again despite that!
Here's a bit I just posted on another thread:
Lots of things can help, but without going into a long list, I think you're on the right track. Life after porn SHOULD be (and has to be) more than your previous life sans porn. Many of the guys I see fail on here are the ones who maintain a world view consistent with their porn consumption in how they take in life, sex, women and so forth, and are just trying to get better erections. The ones who really want to reinvent themselves seem to eventually get it.
One big thing that I say often is to remember that porn lies. It has many, many lies that go deep into our world. It tells us how sex is supposed to work, it tells us what women want, it tells us what WE want, it tells us we need sexual release to survive (because apparently our gonads will explode if we don't ejaculate twice a day and keep things healthy), it tells us it is a safe, positive work environment for women, it tells us that we aren't worthy of love or affection and thus have to turn to porn for any comfort, it tells us that all sexual tastes are acceptable, except for us and that we're very weird, which is why we need to stick to porn, it tells us that the only way we'll understand ourselves is to "explore" via porn... get what I'm saying?
This can really help. Among other things, if you relapse, go to a cam site, and see a girl there and realize that she is a deeply wounded, confused young woman and that every smile and giggle into the camera is fake and hiding her own misery, most likely being exploited by some dude, somehow it loses some appeal. For me, it has been evaluating what I really believe about sex and having a clear vision of the kind of man I wanted to be. I work on that in every way, not just in quitting porn, and each part helps the other.
Also, blockers are good, but knowing your triggers is better. Triggers often have their own set of triggers, and those triggers have triggers. The further upstream you stop it, the better. The further along you go with the flow of the triggers, the more you enter "zombie mode". If you wait until your pants are unzipped and you're at the computer, no blocker will stop you. Social media is a very common one, dating sites as well. It could be certain daily rituals like a beer in the evenings or netflix, or it could be things that trigger stresses or anxieties, like dealing with family, bad relationships or problems at work.
A bit more:
I did better when I kept relapses as short as possible. For a long time I'd only sometimes get the motivation to quit, have a streak, lose control, and then I wouldn't bother trying again after a "break" from nofap. This doesn't let you reap the benefits of abstaining. That leads to the next point: keeping track of streaks can be good, but also distracting. Relapses are to be avoided, but don't have to be setbacks if you don't let them. If you were a twice a day guy, cutting down to every other day means a lot of times you said "no", and you're slowly rewiring. I spent many months around the once a week mark, and that gave me enough breathing space to really figure out my triggers.
Psychological unpacking is important. Yes, addictions are chemical and many of us become addicted just from sheer brain chemistry, but what gets in the way of recovery is often emotional. The white knuckle stuff SHOULD be able to power through the dopamine problems, but it is the emotional stuff that will get us.
Lastly, I am Catholic and I credit my recovery first and foremost to God and the sacraments through the Church. I firmly believe that is what pointed me towards all the aforementioned techniques (but if you aren't religious, you can just go straight to the techniques ). Ultimately after quitting for a little while (month? two months?) I had a serious onslaught of triggers and thought for sure I'd relapse. I had deactivated my blockers and everything. Then, I just looked at my homescreen on my browser where I had half typed my first go-to site, realized this just wasn't what I wanted to be doing anymore, shut down the computer, pulled my pants up, and went back to what I was doing. I haven't even been close to a relapse since. I call it grace, it could also be accumulated strength from having kept at it, developing those tools, and not letting it all slip away.
My own experience was that the white knuckle stuff where you get real bad physical reactions to triggers, heart rate going up, sweating and so forth, fades at 80 to 90 days, and then you're looking at long game stuff.
I've thought about writing up something like a "quick start guide", but everyone and his brother has already tried it... maybe after a while when I learn more about all of this.
Here's a bit I just posted on another thread:
Lots of things can help, but without going into a long list, I think you're on the right track. Life after porn SHOULD be (and has to be) more than your previous life sans porn. Many of the guys I see fail on here are the ones who maintain a world view consistent with their porn consumption in how they take in life, sex, women and so forth, and are just trying to get better erections. The ones who really want to reinvent themselves seem to eventually get it.
One big thing that I say often is to remember that porn lies. It has many, many lies that go deep into our world. It tells us how sex is supposed to work, it tells us what women want, it tells us what WE want, it tells us we need sexual release to survive (because apparently our gonads will explode if we don't ejaculate twice a day and keep things healthy), it tells us it is a safe, positive work environment for women, it tells us that we aren't worthy of love or affection and thus have to turn to porn for any comfort, it tells us that all sexual tastes are acceptable, except for us and that we're very weird, which is why we need to stick to porn, it tells us that the only way we'll understand ourselves is to "explore" via porn... get what I'm saying?
This can really help. Among other things, if you relapse, go to a cam site, and see a girl there and realize that she is a deeply wounded, confused young woman and that every smile and giggle into the camera is fake and hiding her own misery, most likely being exploited by some dude, somehow it loses some appeal. For me, it has been evaluating what I really believe about sex and having a clear vision of the kind of man I wanted to be. I work on that in every way, not just in quitting porn, and each part helps the other.
Also, blockers are good, but knowing your triggers is better. Triggers often have their own set of triggers, and those triggers have triggers. The further upstream you stop it, the better. The further along you go with the flow of the triggers, the more you enter "zombie mode". If you wait until your pants are unzipped and you're at the computer, no blocker will stop you. Social media is a very common one, dating sites as well. It could be certain daily rituals like a beer in the evenings or netflix, or it could be things that trigger stresses or anxieties, like dealing with family, bad relationships or problems at work.
A bit more:
I did better when I kept relapses as short as possible. For a long time I'd only sometimes get the motivation to quit, have a streak, lose control, and then I wouldn't bother trying again after a "break" from nofap. This doesn't let you reap the benefits of abstaining. That leads to the next point: keeping track of streaks can be good, but also distracting. Relapses are to be avoided, but don't have to be setbacks if you don't let them. If you were a twice a day guy, cutting down to every other day means a lot of times you said "no", and you're slowly rewiring. I spent many months around the once a week mark, and that gave me enough breathing space to really figure out my triggers.
Psychological unpacking is important. Yes, addictions are chemical and many of us become addicted just from sheer brain chemistry, but what gets in the way of recovery is often emotional. The white knuckle stuff SHOULD be able to power through the dopamine problems, but it is the emotional stuff that will get us.
Lastly, I am Catholic and I credit my recovery first and foremost to God and the sacraments through the Church. I firmly believe that is what pointed me towards all the aforementioned techniques (but if you aren't religious, you can just go straight to the techniques
). Ultimately after quitting for a little while (month? two months?) I had a serious onslaught of triggers and thought for sure I'd relapse. I had deactivated my blockers and everything. Then, I just looked at my homescreen on my browser where I had half typed my first go-to site, realized this just wasn't what I wanted to be doing anymore, shut down the computer, pulled my pants up, and went back to what I was doing. I haven't even been close to a relapse since. I call it grace, it could also be accumulated strength from having kept at it, developing those tools, and not letting it all slip away. My own experience was that the white knuckle stuff where you get real bad physical reactions to triggers, heart rate going up, sweating and so forth, fades at 80 to 90 days, and then you're looking at long game stuff.
I've thought about writing up something like a "quick start guide", but everyone and his brother has already tried it... maybe after a while when I learn more about all of this.
I sincerely appreciate the time you put into your posts. It definitely is encouraging for me to read your success and how you managed to obtain it. I relate a lot with just realizing that ?this isn?t what I want? ... though at times over the past few months of really accepting that this was a problem and goes against my core values, it still wasn?t enough - the realization has allowed me to maintain a constant desire to rid myself of this nasty addiction and continue fighting. I am able to get out of the autopilot mode that seems to take over before my habitual before sleep PMO session. One thing that helps me a lot is just coming here to cap the night off and read wonderful posts such as yours.
Thanks again for your input and keep fighting the good fight. You?ve certainly inspired more than just myself.
Thanks again for your input and keep fighting the good fight. You?ve certainly inspired more than just myself.
doneatlast
Well-Known Member
Yeah, it isn't an overnight thing, and there is never a single silver bullet that will stop it all. It is about having all your tools ready to go, and not getting discouraged. There is a very, very fine line between hating yourself and being okay with continuing the porn addict life style. Either one means continuing with porn, but right down the center is a self respect coupled with a real desire to change, and that can sustain you through the challenges.
It can be helpful to use each relapse as a teaching moment. Why did you relapse? If you know why, what can you do to prevent it? If you don't, can you figure it out? Sometimes we're too discouraged to really do that work. It probably takes a certain number of failed attempts for all of us before we get something that starts to work.
It can be helpful to use each relapse as a teaching moment. Why did you relapse? If you know why, what can you do to prevent it? If you don't, can you figure it out? Sometimes we're too discouraged to really do that work. It probably takes a certain number of failed attempts for all of us before we get something that starts to work.
FirstClassFighter
New Member
Yes, mister, Fetishes go away by the time and I can tell out of experience not just some random expectations.
I was on my four months streak till I relapsed again but that time was enough for me to make some of my fetishes fade away.
It takes time to make stuff working out but it worth it.
Kind regards
I was on my four months streak till I relapsed again but that time was enough for me to make some of my fetishes fade away.
It takes time to make stuff working out but it worth it.
Kind regards